spEak You're bRanes

Miscellaneous Prats08 Apr 2009 01:33 pm

By Nelson

Something about Parkinson bravely joining the Jade Goody circus (to tell us how bad the Jady Goody circus is).

Thank goodness we still have people like Parkinson who’s not afraid to say what most of us are thinking!
Nick, UK

I’m afraid, Nick, that most of us weren’t thinking about Jade at all. For future reference, I just did a quick and very scientific poll and can now tell you what people actually think:

“I hate my job” – 67%
“Ooh look! Tits!” – 13%
“What are we going to have for dinner tonight?” – 9%
“I’ve probably got cancer.” – 5%
“Reckon I can save this poo til I get home. Always nicer on your own bog” – 3%
“Must have a poo before I go home. Always nicer to use someone else’s bogroll.” – 2%
“I wonder if Jade Goody’s still dead?” – 1%

Trufax.

77 Responses to “What We Think About – Science Fact”

on 08 Apr 2009 at 1:39 pm Clovis Sangrail

Everyone I know is all too unafraid to tell me what a circus the JG..er..circus is. Me, I’m in the 13% camp.
on 08 Apr 2009 at 1:46 pm Albert Muffpie

She was a willing participant, and no doubt well-paid for doing the self-styled job. I don’t think she needs any sympathy for that.

Andi Ye, Otsu, Japan

Hang on… has the debate moved back to Max Mosley?
on 08 Apr 2009 at 2:06 pm millie

Had it been truly scientific second place would’ve been “Ooh look! Tits!” &/or “Ooh look! A six-pack!”
on 08 Apr 2009 at 2:31 pm Clovis Sangrail

I can multi task me, and think about both at the same time
on 08 Apr 2009 at 2:33 pm pigfrottage

I find I hover between 1,2 and 3 a lot. No. 1 is the main thought today.

(Fascinating, I hear you think…)
on 08 Apr 2009 at 2:38 pm Dr Shade

Hm. Am I the only 0.01% that thinks:

“(sigh)I miss Jade Goody’s tits…”

then?
on 08 Apr 2009 at 2:41 pm Tenacity

Nah Dr, I miss her saggy minge.
on 08 Apr 2009 at 3:00 pm dirigible

That’s not science! As Brainiac taught us, real science involves blowing shit up. And torturing people. But mostly blowing shit up. Did you blow any shit up to arrive at those statistics?

I think not, as Rene Descartes said.
on 08 Apr 2009 at 3:02 pm Ceannair

on 08 Apr 2009 at 2:41 pm Tenacity

Nah Dr, I miss her saggy minge.
—————–

Then you need to perfect your aim sir!

Should be easier now…!
on 08 Apr 2009 at 3:04 pm Rod Wrongnob

Jacqui Smith is probably thinking every one of 1 to 7 at the same time.

Satire.
on 08 Apr 2009 at 3:19 pm Vicky

Millie, it’s still winter and not a six-pack in sight. Breasts can be seen (or assumed) in all seasons.
on 08 Apr 2009 at 3:38 pm admiral_spunktrousers

I just like the idea that Michael Parkinson is the briny-mouthed voice of the people and the only person you can rely on to cut through media bullshit to present things how they *really* are.

Not Mark E. Smith. Not, like, Noam Chomsky. Not an enfant terrible like Chris Morris before he turned shit.

Michael Parkinson.
on 08 Apr 2009 at 4:09 pm samuel johnson

I’m a “Ooh look a nice arse” man myself.

Just sayin.
on 08 Apr 2009 at 4:17 pm Col John Matrix

“I’m a “Ooh look a nice arse” man myself.”

Gay.
on 08 Apr 2009 at 4:25 pm Dr Shade

Michael Parkinson.

Well, admiral, he’s one of the few who’ve got nothing to lose. He’s rich, he’s retired (apart from the RT column and a few bits & pieces for the press) and he spends most of his time these days in Australia where the vast majority of the populatioon couldn’t give a fuck about (a) Saint Jade or (b) his opinion of her.

Can you imagine the howls of rage and baying for blood if Ross or Brand or Moyles or any of the other allegedly “edgy” fuckwits had just come out and said what most of us were thinking? They’d have been unemployed and unemployable in a matter of minutes. Not that any of them (or their “edgy” contemporaries) had the brass balls to do it though – they’re all too wrapped up in their cushy little sleb careers to risk them for anything.

Nope, we had to wait for a former “legend of broadcasting” who genuinely doesn’t give a fuck to do it. And the media daren’t unleash the howls of outrage they would at anyone else because of his “iconic” status in the eyes of both the media and the Daily Mail reading public.

Personally I’m pleased.

Not about what he said or the fact that someone finally had the balls to say it.

No. I’m pleased he’s not doing that Sunday morning radio show anymore. Jebus, he played some complete and utter shite on that show!
on 08 Apr 2009 at 4:44 pm Funny Peculiar

8. Everybody hates me. (43% – NB. subconcious only)
(HYS posters are generally from this 43%)
on 08 Apr 2009 at 5:06 pm MacPedro

No-one’s mentioned Parkie flogging life insurance to coffin dodgers on daytime TV.

Perhaps because you all have jobs, whereas I sit on the couch watching re-runs of Hitler’s secrets/Nazi forces/Weapons of Nazis/The search for Nazi underpants and other greats on the History Channel.
on 08 Apr 2009 at 5:31 pm jimmy corkhill

i miss her saggy minge so much im going to dig her up and mung her

now wheres me spade?
on 08 Apr 2009 at 7:49 pm Cadbury Stan

This debate raises a very important issue. Tits are all well and good but arses – especially the arses belonging to afro-carribean ladies – cannot be beat.
on 08 Apr 2009 at 7:57 pm Dr Feelgood

I work from home so very conflicted by 5 and 6. <>

Can one expense loo roll and get the tax back?
on 08 Apr 2009 at 8:35 pm Daley Mayle

#9: What’s that funny smell?
on 08 Apr 2009 at 10:12 pm batmanuel

i’m concerned by all the sexist comments here about ladies’ body parts – nobody has mentioned legs! i like a nice pair of legs, me.
on 09 Apr 2009 at 12:46 am Mim

Is “everybody hates me” supposed to be subconscious? That may be where I’ve been going wrong.

And MacPedro, I am unemployable but sadly also too dysfunctional to be awake for daytime telly and too mentally fragile to be able to stand it. Actually, I don’t mean “sadly” at all, do I?
on 09 Apr 2009 at 1:28 am Suicidal-Jihad-Lightning-Terrorist Man

ima jihad him!
on 09 Apr 2009 at 5:35 am Clovis Sangrail

I’m afraid that when six packs were mentioned I assumed it meant beer. Perhaps I have a problem…
on 09 Apr 2009 at 7:32 am Albert Muffpie

I’ve just had a poo. One of those really quick ones where your body seems to think you’re in a meeting, or something. I’m not in a meeting, it’s half eight in the morning. Why do my bowels think I’m in a meeting? Am I missing something?
on 09 Apr 2009 at 7:33 am Samuel Johnson

Cadbury Stan, I’m with you mate. Tits are a side issue (especially if you’re Picasso).

And Col John Matrix, there’s nowt gay about ogling a girls backside, but preferring to be called Colonel and wearing a big bushy moustache, that’s definitely in “friends of Dorothy” territory.
on 09 Apr 2009 at 7:38 am Samuel Johnson

I take it that would be a meeting of the coprophiliac society.
on 09 Apr 2009 at 8:22 am pigfrottage

“ogling a girls backside”

Peedo. At least wait for them to be women.
on 09 Apr 2009 at 10:43 am fucko the clown

day 22 in the big brother coffin, jade has been quiet all morning
on 09 Apr 2009 at 10:48 am Steve

Albert Muffpie, Im confused. Anyway, enough about my sexuality.

Why would you poo in a meeting? Unless it is boreing enought that you shit yourself just to get out of it.
on 09 Apr 2009 at 11:42 am Albert Muffpie

I meant, you’re in a meeting, so your bowels get it over with quickly, so you don’t miss much…

It doesn’t really matter. Point is, Nick, UK, is a twunt.
on 09 Apr 2009 at 12:27 pm Max Clifford

I think about Jade all the time. It’s usually along the lines of “how can I keep making money out of the thick sow now that she’s worm fodder?”
on 09 Apr 2009 at 12:52 pm Funny Peculiar

Parkinson, who’s not afraid to say what most of us are thinking!
Nick, UK

I don’t recall Parky coming out with constant stream of national consciousness…

(SFX: blurring away of reality, reforming in Parky’s studio. Fade out the Parky theme tune…)

“Hello and welcome to the show, I’m Michael Parkinson and for the next hour I’ll pretend I/ hey, look at her in row 2, she’s awesome/ care about various self-important people and their paltry affairs… like you should care. Now, my first guest tonight is/ actually, no, on second thought’s her nose is a bit wonky/ someone we all despise as a talentless little whore who fucked her way to the very top of Hollywood/ Christ I’d love a fag/ hated at the BBC and with a backscreen rep of a dangerous immoral viper/ God, I’m tragically bored with my life/ yes, it’s that god-awful Zeta-Jones woman/ Yeah go on clap ya vapid fucking morons. oooh it’s someone famous, how exciting/ Now Jones, you’re a tramp who sucks dick for money, basically, what’s that like…
on 09 Apr 2009 at 1:26 pm Dr Shade

the arses belonging to afro-carribean ladies – cannot be beat.

Yes they can. You just have to pay extra for it.
on 09 Apr 2009 at 1:29 pm Dr Shade

Now Jones, you’re a tramp who sucks dick for money, basically, what’s that like…

You bastard FP – when I read this sentence I read it with the mental vice of Hugh Grant and I now have a mental image of Bridget Jones/Renee Zellwegger sucking my cock and a huge fucking stiffy under my desk and I can’t get rid of either of them!

And I need to take a shit but I’m not getting up from my desk and walking down the office with this totem pole in my trousers…

Thank fuck I’m not in a meeting…
on 09 Apr 2009 at 1:47 pm Throbbe

I have a picture of Hugh Grant crushing Renee Zellweggers head in his mental vice. It’s a huge one, with massive spikes on.

Dammit, now I’ve got the horn too.
on 09 Apr 2009 at 1:53 pm millie

@ Vicky

it’s still winter and not a six-pack in sight

I make do with ogling BMW Z3s till the weather improves.
on 09 Apr 2009 at 3:50 pm Dr Shade

I have a picture of Hugh Grant crushing Renee Zellweggers head in his mental vice. It’s a huge one, with massive spikes on

Dammit!

NOW I have a mental picture of a mini-skirted Renee Zellwegger bent over a workbench with her head trapped in a vice – which means I’ve still got a massive spike and it’s a huge one…
on 09 Apr 2009 at 3:53 pm Dr Shade

I make do with ogling BMW Z3s till the weather improves.

Oh FFS!!!!!

Will you people STOP IT?

NOW I have a mental image of Renee Zellwegger sprawled across the bonnet of a BMW Z3 wearing only a pair of fishnet stockings and a dollop of Mr Whippy vanilla ice cream on each pert erect nipple…!

I’m going to be stuck behind this desk all fucking weekend at this rate…
on 09 Apr 2009 at 4:03 pm Serge

#9: What’s that funny smell?

#10: shall I own up?
on 09 Apr 2009 at 5:00 pm Alex

Millie: Isn’t that a substitute cock rather than a substitute six-pack.

Hey, did anyonw mention that Jade Goody is dead? ‘Cos she is. Jade Goody is dead, and she was minging and chavvy, and I’d like to fuck her chavvy minging chav-minge, and she’s dead, and I like fucking dead girls, and kids, and death, cancer and paedophilia are all really funny, and I’m really funny and edgy for fucking cancer into dead children, and Jade Goody’s dead and LOOK AT ME I’M FUNNY PLEASE LOOK AT ME I’M MAKING A JOKE
on 09 Apr 2009 at 5:18 pm Bit Special

Any cock is better than no cock (well, if everyone else is going to be smutty. Wahey, big thobbing cocks, eh? Phwoooargh! And so on).

Alex, you say what I want to say but miles better. I both thank and begrudge you.
on 09 Apr 2009 at 5:18 pm Bit Special

I’m also fond of throbbing cocks (can’t stop the typo shame, despite Nelson’s absolution)…
on 09 Apr 2009 at 5:53 pm The Gnome Secretary

You cunts should move to Canada. We don’t have fucking Parky or dead Jade Goody.
on 10 Apr 2009 at 9:08 am millie

@ Alex

Isn’t that a substitute cock rather than a substitute six-pack

Depends on your perspective. Asthetically it’s the bonnet wot dus it for me, suggestive of a well-pumped abdomen. It’s only when behind the wheel and breaking the speed limit that it turns into a mobile dildo.

Sorry to continue with the erotica. I blame the easter bunnies and the budding chicks.
on 10 Apr 2009 at 9:45 am Steve

Cock.
on 10 Apr 2009 at 11:48 am Albert Muffpie

Jade Goody’s dead?
on 10 Apr 2009 at 12:13 pm Wonderboy

Yeah, she’s dead, apparently Alex fucked cancer into her or summink…
on 11 Apr 2009 at 12:30 am fucko the clown

perhaps jade was mis.understood. Maybe her beef was with parky not paki ? Anyway after a really serious bout me food poisoning i became all introspective and how fragile human life really is and just how important it is to be able to fart with confidence after recovering from the runs really is.
on 11 Apr 2009 at 11:16 am fucko the clown

fucking predictive text
on 11 Apr 2009 at 11:50 am Easter Bonnet

I think you mean predictable text (Jade, Jade, Jade… yawn).
on 11 Apr 2009 at 1:42 pm Simon

here’s another Trustat from the HYS on CCTV cars:
“What is lacking with the police and their ideas is getting more police on the beat, you have more chance on the lottery than seeing a policeman walking the beat. – tony horner, edinburgh”
I really should start playing the lottery if it’s that easy to win
on 11 Apr 2009 at 1:48 pm Simon

I remarked to my mother that the red light we were stopped at must be an act of god. she agreed. when it turned to green, we both felt that we must have pleased god for him to grant us this favourable happening.
My request to him would be please can good people not get dandruff. Also less babies killed in road accidents.
on 11 Apr 2009 at 1:49 pm Simon

wrong cunting thread. my bad
on 11 Apr 2009 at 7:21 pm Renee Zellwegger

Well, there I was, enjoying a cup of tea and smugly Googling myself and here I am! I’ve been reading all those suggestions on how to improve my sex life and I am, like, soooo turned on right now! I’m versatile too:
For Dr Shade: I’ve got the desk, fishnets, BMW Z3 and Mr Whippy van on standby
For Throbbe: I’ve got the spikey head-vice. However, it’s all about give and take so I have arranged for your head to meet an anvil
For Bit Special: I’ve found loads of strap-ons but, as yet, none that throb. But give me time…
For Alex: I’ll shave my head and play dead
on 12 Apr 2009 at 12:24 am Bit Special

Renee, if I was going to lez up, it wouldn’t be with you, you scrawny, squinty, over-earnest moonface.

But I do, however, appreciate the sentiment. Happy Reanimated Corpse Day (or ‘Easter’ as some call it)
on 12 Apr 2009 at 1:11 am Psychonaut

Gah. Just got blockquotes sussed so the Clown & Bit Special raise the bar by introducing Smileys to the mix.
on 12 Apr 2009 at 1:11 am Psychonaut

Go figure. Who new that would work…
on 12 Apr 2009 at 1:34 am fucko the clown

please don’t talk about reanimated corpse’s in a thread about jade. I don’t think i could cope with her coming back from the dead. Although max clifford would on doubt tastefully sell it to the public, with as much ease as he would pimp out his own daughter for the right money. But do feel free to talk more about lezzing up. Its late and i’ve already got a lazy lob on
on 12 Apr 2009 at 7:30 am Renee Zellwegger

@ Bit Special Awww nuts! I thought I was in there!
on 12 Apr 2009 at 4:27 pm Bit Special

Just walk away Renee (big shout out there to any Left Banke fans… anyone? Anyone? No?)…
on 12 Apr 2009 at 4:59 pm Red Andy

She said it was just a figment of speech…
on 13 Apr 2009 at 7:09 am Clovis Sangrail

…and then she cut her hair, and i stopped loving her
on 13 Apr 2009 at 8:02 am millie

I stopped loving her once she started looking like Pete Burns.
on 13 Apr 2009 at 8:47 am Bit Special

Christ on a bike, why the fuck did I just click on that link? No-one needs to see that shit before breakfast (mmm, viva la Bank Holiday lazing about)!
on 13 Apr 2009 at 2:19 pm Jade Goodie

Youl neva guess wats appened 2 me
on 13 Apr 2009 at 2:21 pm Simon

Just walk away Renee (big shout out there to any Left Banke fans… anyone? Anyone? No?)…
================================
i have the Four Tops version, brilliant song. don’t know the left banke one. which is the original?

these lazy bloggers have taken a bank holiday. it’s almost as if this whole site is just work-avoidance for them!
on 13 Apr 2009 at 3:25 pm Bit Special

The Left Banke wrote it (1965; single released ’66), but The Four Tops version (1968) was/is probably more well-known, cos everyone’s heard of The Fours Tops. My Young Fella is a massive alt-60s music geek (it’s ruined my Amazon recommendations!), so I’ve learnt many little-known music factoids since we got together/I ensnared his youthful, innocent, trusting soul forever (buahaha, etc.).

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x2pnet_walk-away-renee-the-left-banke_music

I’m not getting too worked up about Nelson & posse having the thoughtless audacity to take a Bank Holiday – new posts only ever seem to go up when I can’t get access to the interwebs at work, so I’m resigned to the anticipation…
on 13 Apr 2009 at 4:02 pm Bit Special

Eeeeek! Just seen Nelson’s latest Twitter… I think I live near him. :-\
on 13 Apr 2009 at 4:02 pm Bit Special

(that was meant to be the confused wobbly mouth smiley)
on 13 Apr 2009 at 6:18 pm Freddy Two Trousers

2. “Ooh look! Tits!” – 13%

I think you will find that it’s acyually 50%
on 13 Apr 2009 at 6:19 pm Freddy Two Trousers

And 0.037% “I can’t actually spell actually”.
on 14 Apr 2009 at 8:46 am sarko

8. “Dipping my scrotum into a teapot full of lukewarm water while my missus masturbates me with one hand at the same time as blowing through the spout of the teapot creating a jacuzzi-like sensation around the scrotum.” 0.9%
on 14 Apr 2009 at 3:19 pm John Adair

Oh look tits, no not interested. I must have a poo whilst blowing Rupert.
on 14 Apr 2009 at 8:59 pm Luis Drayton

Had to do a double-take on reading Nick’s post; for a moment I thought it said, “Thank goodness we still have people with Parkinson’s who’re not afraid to say what most of us are thinking!”
Christ, I’m pissed…
on 16 Apr 2009 at 9:24 am Joris Bohnson

Actually, i was wondering about number 4; I’ve not been feeling well. Also, is Jade actually dead then? When did that happen?

…p.s. @luis drayton- I laughed out loud. And snorted vodka and coke out of my nose and all over my stash. And keyboard. You bastard.

"If you love Peadophiles so much..
why don't you go live there?"

77 Responses to “What We Think About – Science Fact”

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spEak You're bRanes

"If you love Peadophiles so much.. why don't you go live there?"

77 Responses to “What We Think About – Science Fact”

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"If you love Peadophiles so much..
why don't you go live there?"