Activists in my Coffee-Grinder
By AlexThanks to Dave. Something about fox-hunting, not that you’d know.
I’m also fed up of animal rights groups being in charge of everything. They’ve taken over the supermarket, the petrol station, the council, the dog-track, the grocers, the butchers, the bakers, the candlestick-makers, they’re inside my computer and my coffee-grinder and they won’t stop or go away.
Will they never leave us alone!?
Freddy Flintoff, Somewhere up narth, United Kingdom
Just the other day I caught a couple in my noticeboard, pulling all the drawing pins out of pictures of animals. I’ve also found them a few times in my underpants drawer, confiscating the elastic. Oh, and remember! Always shake out your shoes before putting them on, in case animal rights groups have made their nest inside. They might be tiny, but they can deliver a powerful bite!
45 Responses to “Activists in my Coffee-Grinder”
They were in my fridge,
busting the bacteria out of my yoghurt.
I’ve read that if you leave orange peel in your plantpots, they don’t like the smell, which stops them going in.
Animal rights? Where will it all end? They’ll be giving humans rights next.
I got arrested for swatting a fly! You couldn’t make it up!
Some animal rights activists got inside my brain and kept telling me to do bad, bad things.
Quite entrepeneurial, aren’t they? And in these difficult economic times, too.
They won’t last very long once you turn it on.
Go on, I dare you…
They’re in charge of the butchers? Wouldn’t they, like, close it down in that case?
Far from it – the one they took over near me, Edwards & Sons, now sells choice cuts of former Huntingdon Life Sciences personnel.
Now that’s funny!
I wonder what was on his computer that raised the attentions of animal rights activists.
I don’t think Freddy took kindly to the local police arresting him for biting into a sheep whilst he was fucking it.
That’s what all his blustering is really about.
Is no-one else concerned that rather than getting fit for the Ashes, Freddy is apparently having his head turned by Animal Rights Activists? It’s going to give the Aussies the edge in the sledging now that he’s revealed his concerns, isn’t it? He’ll be out batting and then Ricky Ponting will walk up and say “hang on, no, it’s alright, actually. It’s just that for a second there I though I saw an animal rights activist in your bat. Probably wasn’t one, though.”
Great, so animal rights activists are going to cost us the Ashes. They’ll never be happy, will they.
We should kill all the animals now so they’ve not got anything to be all ‘active’ about. Methinks it’s the only solution.
talking of allowing animals too many rights, this is from the thread about Obama’s new start with Islam…
He’s right. D’ya remember the last time a Trojan Horse took over the world? God, it was terrifying. You kow-towed to Troy’s dictats or your capital city got buried under a steaming, gigaton horse-shit. We don’t want that again.
Would that it were so
They’re in my base, killing my doodz.
Having finished his attempt to save the tory party, brownoutnow get’s a sudden violent lust for an aggressive, public-school wankoff. Old habits die hard eh, brownoutnow? How’s brownoutnow Minor, these days?
The animal rights activists keep hiding the remote for the telly. They keep muttering something about batteries…
Apparently, thanks to these ‘hanimal wights’ do-gooders you’re not even allowed to put your penis in your own pet dog’s anus any more. Your own dog! Whatever next?
I don’t think that was what he meant. I think he was referring to the Classical Greek epic where a big wooden horse immigrated to Troy to help rebuild its economy after the war, and then had so many wooden horse-babies that the wooden horse population went up over a thousand percent in a few decades, so by 2015 they constituted a democratic majority and voted in Horse Bin Laden, who then abolished St George’s Day, Magna Carta and being allowed to be White. And do you know, the Muslims are planning exactly the same thing in revenge?
Nah, that’s the Borrowers that is.
i love these animal rights guys, they’ve taken all the attention away from us.
He’s right, y’know. The only reason we’re all against fox hunting is that we’re not allowed to play. Maybe if we ask John nicely he’ll let us shoot some with his big sexy gun.
Tiny animal rights activists hiding in our homes… the voices in my head telling me to try tofu instead of bacon… yes, it all suddenly makes sense. Can I take my tinfoil hat off now?
Where the fuck does Freddy live that it still actually has a candlestick maker – 1864? Anyone would think that the absolute cunt was using it as a weak joke as part of his even weaker bullshit rant about not being allowed to do whatever sick shit he fancies to animals.
I blame the parents.
candlestick makers is a euphamism for dildo makers, freddy is just pissed off that some tree huggers have chained themselves to a rubber tree plantation, and freddy is finding it difficult to source a good size rubber fist.
Erm, John Evans, the anti-hunting campaign was EXACTLY about cruelty to animals. Class envy? Since when has anyone wished to be a chinless inbred posho riding around on a pony to see terrified animals being ripped apart alive by hounds? Also, I think you’ll find most anti-hunt folk also disapprove of fishing. The only reason they don’t go on marches, etc., about fishing is that it’s much, much lower down the ‘why do humans think they’re allowed to make animals suffer for their fun’ scale than hunting, which is a gruesomely cruel, selfish and pointless activity pursued by sick, ignorant sociopaths (also, people who enjoy fishing aren’t doing so for the sole and deliberate purpose of getting their rocks off on animal cruelty and death). Aaaargh!
Time for my medication. Matron!
Everytime I try to crack one out to streaming web porn some cunt in a pig mask sticks his head up and tells me about how they punch pigs to death in slaughter houses. It always ruins the moment.
I get that too, Kieran. That’s the reason I keep a small rabbit handy so’s I can blow my load into it’s eyes as a form of revenge.
The only reason.
@ Dr V Gann
Since the 16th century.
What would Garrincha think – he lost his virginity to a goat. Where have all the nice goats gone?
I think it’s cruel to take the piss out of HYS readers like this. Some of them are nearly human and should have nearly human rights. er hang on a minute.
They accidentally got onto the 184 from Bounds Green tube, when they had clearly and repeatedly been told that only the 299 and 102 go straight on up Alexandra Park Road to Colney Hatch Lane. Sadly, they did not realize that once the 184 turns left you’re screwed, if your plans included Muswell Hill Broadway. It just goes to show that you can’t be too careful. Poor, poor goats. I think of them often.
@Disgustipated, unfortunately your plan is flawed, jizz is entirely a ‘no tears’ formula – unless of course you poke its eye out with your bellend. i’ve tested the no tears concept many times on mrs clown, although admittedly not on animals
Bad sadwich idea – Animal rights activist, on cheap brown bread with marmite. Worst sandwich ever…
(500 hours spent debating fox hunting, 5 hours spent debating invading Iraq. Priorities just about right I think.)
Don’t you think there’s a chance that he was being sarcastic?
@ fucko the clown: jizz is entirely a ‘no tears’ formula? Leave off! The stuff’s like battery acid!
I asked an animal rights person I work with if they wanted to help free a one eyed trouser snake the other day. Apparently that is sexual harrasment! PC gone mad I tell you!
The Borrowers are animal rights activists?
I bloody knew it. You couldn’t make it up.
If Animal Rights Campaigners really want to stop the abuse of British Wildlife then bugger the toffs and their fox-hunting, ‘cos by far the biggest threat to wildlife is The Evil Moggie; a highly violent, killing machine, harboured by bitter, lonely women of all ages, who keep them as a savage displacement activity to alleviate the disappointment of not being a pneumatic blonde with a bubbly personality.
The Moggie is a devilish, gifted hunter. Its owner trains it to recognise the RSPB’s endangered list and they actively target rare, indigenous species. After catching a victim, unlike the dim hounds, who swiftly pull the fox to pieces, the wicked moggie returns to its Mistress and drops the pretty songbird on the kitchen floor. Then they both coldly stare through narrowed eyes as it gasps and flaps in its feeble death throws. When, finally, the rara avis breathes its last, the woman hisses incantations like, “that’s for Scarlett Johansson’s ridiculously thin ankles.” or “that’s for the smug bitch in shipping and her stench of sexual gratification.”
Long term moggie keepers tend to develop a hideous, rough cackle from all the gin and cigarettes consumed while watching soap operas and body-makeover programs. They are often seen in supermarkets buying extremely cheap spirits and ruinously expensive Moggie food. Famous ones include Pauline Quirk, Jacqui Smith, Carol Thatcher and Julian Clary.
I’m the proud owner of a thoroughly Evil Moggie and I’m not jealous of Scarlett Johansson’s ankles. Mind you, you’ve got me bang to rights on the extremely cheap spirits and expensive cat food though…
I’m saving up for a porcelain pussy.
funny peculiar is oppressing me! Help! Help!
Although my cat is in fact an evil killing machine, so fair enough. she is a family pet, though, and not directly related to my unshaggability.
keep reading that in the style of a lol!cat – Imagine a picture of some bloke in a balaclava sat in a fridge, then redo the text to read:
‘I’s in your fridge, busting bacteriaz out your yogurtzz’
could be the start of a whole new internet craze.
God, I’d love to see HYS use a lolcat generator for a day for all comments . Although most would just be along the lines of: ‘NuLiarBore – Ur doin it rong’ or ‘immygrunts stoled mah bukkit’…
Millie, those porcelain nightmares are ace. In a wrong way.