Millie, those porcelain nightmares are ace. In a wrong way.

They were in my fridge,
busting the bacteria out of my yoghurt.

keep reading that in the style of a lol!cat – Imagine a picture of some bloke in a balaclava sat in a fridge, then redo the text to read:

‘I’s in your fridge, busting bacteriaz out your yogurtzz’

could be the start of a whole new internet craze.

Although my cat is in fact an evil killing machine, so fair enough. she is a family pet, though, and not directly related to my unshaggability.

The Moggie is a devilish, gifted hunter. Its owner trains it to recognise the RSPB’s endangered list and they actively target rare, indigenous species. After catching a victim, unlike the dim hounds, who swiftly pull the fox to pieces, the wicked moggie returns to its Mistress and drops the pretty songbird on the kitchen floor. Then they both coldly stare through narrowed eyes as it gasps and flaps in its feeble death throws. When, finally, the rara avis breathes its last, the woman hisses incantations like, “that’s for Scarlett Johansson’s ridiculously thin ankles.” or “that’s for the smug bitch in shipping and her stench of sexual gratification.”

Long term moggie keepers tend to develop a hideous, rough cackle from all the gin and cigarettes consumed while watching soap operas and body-makeover programs. They are often seen in supermarkets buying extremely cheap spirits and ruinously expensive Moggie food. Famous ones include Pauline Quirk, Jacqui Smith, Carol Thatcher and Julian Clary.

Nah, that’s the Borrowers that is.

The Borrowers are animal rights activists?

I bloody knew it. You couldn’t make it up.