Delusions of Grandeur16 Apr 2009 12:34 pm

Modest Parents of Gifted Children Offsetting

By Alex

Thanks to Tommie: Is it selfish to have more than two children? Busy-wombed Kirstine Berry disagrees.

I have three children. I feel it is my duty to attempt to repopulate the World with intelligent individuals in an attempt to offset Mr Porritt’s stupidity. Idiocy-offsetting, kind of like carbon offsetting, just a little more immediate.

Kirstine Berry, Bracknell

It’s a good idea in theory, and the only thing that could possibly go wrong in practice is if your offspring pick up any of your personal characteristics or inherit any of your genes.

41 Responses to “Modest Parents of Gifted Children Offsetting”

  1. on 16 Apr 2009 at 12:46 pm   Menendo

    The joy of being The Mother of The New Order will be offset by the pain of having a fanny like a wizard’s sleeve.

  2. on 16 Apr 2009 at 12:46 pm   Tonymac

    I think we should go further with more active offsetting. Such as each HYS post being offset with a strong punch to the poster’s face.

  3. on 16 Apr 2009 at 1:28 pm   funny peculiar

    HYS’s ability to recycle old rubbish and make-do-and-mend with a handful of ideas left over from empire seems pretty green to me.
    Instead of running many complex thoughts and ideas, they are willing to get by with a monocular, one-size-fits-all rant.

    Take today’s thread about “electric cars”. With just one single shared idea (viz: that electricity comes from power stations which pollute) they can happily spend the whole day being far greener/smarter/better/more powerful/informed than everyone else. That is impressively efficient.

    Thinking takes energy and energy has to come from somewhere, (power stations, probly), so thinking ain’t green, it stands to reason, dunnit?

  4. on 16 Apr 2009 at 1:50 pm   Jamie Kitson

    Or indeed your branes.

  5. on 16 Apr 2009 at 1:51 pm   Incontinentia

    Wouldn’t it just be simpler for Kirstine to kill Jonathan Porritt and all his children? Offsetting seems a bit needlessly time-consuming.

  6. on 16 Apr 2009 at 1:54 pm   Bibadee Bobadee Boom

    I hope Kristine’s intelligent children grow up soon, cos Dan’s got some awesome questions that need answering…

    Whilst all this talk over electric cars being the future of transport has anyone considered the following:

    1. The cost of ALL electricity will rise way beyond most peoples means.
    2. The only way to supply all the electricity needed will be to build more and more nuclear stations.
    3. Where have all the anti-nuclear protestors gone?
    4. What happens to lorries, tractors and other industrial vehicles that can’t possibly use electricity?

    Dan Roberts

    well… HAS anyone considered where all the anti-nuclear protestors have gone and the impact there disappearance will have on the electric car being the future of transport?

  7. on 16 Apr 2009 at 2:07 pm   Clovis Sangrail

    “REpopulate the world with intelligent individuals”? Why? Where did all the smarties go? Was there a cull?

  8. on 16 Apr 2009 at 2:37 pm   dirigible

    Well to be fair as long as we discount both Mendelian and Lamarckian genetics her kids are in with a chance.

  9. on 16 Apr 2009 at 2:39 pm   millie

    With grandparents who couldn’t even spell the name “Christine”.

  10. on 16 Apr 2009 at 4:47 pm   Levi

    Mr. Porritt has now left his job as the patron of the Optimum Population Trust. His successor is David Attenborough.

    David-bleedin’-Attenborough.

    Careful who you call an idiot, Kirstine.

  11. on 16 Apr 2009 at 5:21 pm   admiral_spunktrousers

    “Where have all the anti-nuclear protestors gone?”

    Heysham. Shouldn’t have to tell you why…

  12. on 16 Apr 2009 at 5:22 pm   Rotwatcher

    It’s a no-braner that there are too many people in the world, and I think we all know where to start the cull.

  13. on 16 Apr 2009 at 5:39 pm   Albert Muffpie

    Hastings?

  14. on 16 Apr 2009 at 6:02 pm   Bit Special

    You’re thinking the same as me*, aren’t you, Rotwatcher? That there should be some sort of mechanism built into HYS that sterilises someone the second they leave a comment?

    Firm but fair, that’s me.

    *As all of us, surely?

  15. on 16 Apr 2009 at 8:00 pm   pigfrottage

    Trouble is, a lot of them have already reproduced, so it will have less beneficial effect than you would think.

    We need a Minority Report type solution, failing that, a time machine must be invented, now. (it does not need to be as sophisticated as the TARDIS though.)

    :confused:

  16. on 16 Apr 2009 at 8:03 pm   Danny Boil

    The problem is if we don’t have lots of children the world will be full of foreigners.

    Whilst 10 sprogs per couple and the Empire is saved!

  17. on 16 Apr 2009 at 8:56 pm   Mim

    I get very twitchy at the thought of stopping HYSers from breeding, what with the eugenics and all. But then I remember that pretty much all of them believe I shouldn’t exist (offspring of an unemployed immigrant? Vile!) and start planning a sterilisation programme involving the removal of reproductive organs by ravenous rabid rodents.

    Oh and Alex, you have failed to note that if Kirstine’s children are somehow intelligent and reasonable humans they will almost certainly be too psychologically scarred by their upbringing to do much but whimper in a corner. Lose/lose, really.

  18. on 16 Apr 2009 at 9:46 pm   Dr Feelgood

    I am putting Kirstine forward for the Reich’s Mother’s Cross First Class. One day her superior children can fall valiantly on the Ostfront repelling the Asiatic hordes.

    That aside, I’m guessing she is new to this whole interwebby thing – not too smart publicising her willingness to breed. There are some strange people out there.

    Now where’s my map of Bracknell?

  19. on 16 Apr 2009 at 11:13 pm   Bit Special

    Dr Feelgood, I think she needs to have a few more before she deserves that glorious honour. I personally agree with the 2-child maximum policy, but I’m very worried about how to prevent excess pregnancies, as condoms give you AIDS. That’s bad AIDS, incidentally.

    Papal trufax.

  20. on 16 Apr 2009 at 11:19 pm   Bit Special

    (In case anyone’s wondering, me and the Young Fella just use any foil leftover after we’ve made our tinfoil hats for the day. Scratchy AND ineffective! But at least I don’t hear any voices in my vagina)

    Erm, time to sleep now.

  21. on 17 Apr 2009 at 12:21 am   millie

    Like a tin foil aural barrier?

  22. on 17 Apr 2009 at 12:23 am   Bit Special

    Exactly.

  23. on 17 Apr 2009 at 12:32 am   Bully

    But what she is missing is that even if she has super kids they are in Bracknell and she is proud enough to tell us she is in Bracknell.

  24. on 17 Apr 2009 at 12:50 am   Mim

    Is Bracknell specifically awful or just provincial and a bit small and therefore beneath contempt?

  25. on 17 Apr 2009 at 9:11 am   pigfrottage

    Bit Special

    worried about how to prevent excess pregnancies, as condoms give you AIDS

    I am told that the pope said this in the specific case of reusing used condoms. Don’t hurt yourself with that foil. Most western catholics practice some form of birth control, and some even use condoms as they don’t agree with the pope. One of the problems in africa generally is the machismo “I am not wearing that” attitude of the men. I won’t go on about it any more…sorry to bring you down and blah….

    Sometimes I feel it was cruel to have children in a world populated by so much idiocy. As you were…

    Maybe she is Lady Bracknell. Where’s my handbag?

  26. on 17 Apr 2009 at 9:41 am   sir jon dangerous

    Is Bracknell specifically awful or just provincial and a bit small and therefore beneath contempt?

    Specifically awful. Worst place I’ve ever been to. And I’ve been to Dundee, so it just shows

  27. on 17 Apr 2009 at 9:49 am   dirigible

    I am told that the pope said this in the specific case of reusing used condoms.

    And I’m told that he made this specific case as part of a broader case that condoms are ineffective in helping to halt the spread of AIDS.

    Also, I may have to check this, but if we are talking context then I think the Catholic Church’s line on condoms involves something about going to hell.

    Given this I’m not really up for giving Ratty the benefit of the doubt over whether he meant that you should put condoms on your dick rather than your head if you don’t want to asphyxiate or he meant that condom-related asphyxiation is a good example of why you shouldn’t use condoms.

  28. on 17 Apr 2009 at 10:00 am   millie

    some even use condoms as they don’t agree with the pope

    How could anyone, let alone a Catholic, not agree with the pope when he has such erudite people to explain his policies?

  29. on 17 Apr 2009 at 10:09 am   pigfrottage

    For the record.

    Pope’s opinion on condoms = stupid and unhelpful.

    Catholic views on condoms = not entirely to blame for AIDS in Africa, but certainly not helping.

    Ratty the pope = former Hitler youth, so suspect by association, not entirely proven to be a helmet, but certainly a former one.

    millie = lovely

    Kirstine Berry, Bracknell = complete babirussa’s minge

  30. on 17 Apr 2009 at 11:27 am   Rotwatcher

    Bit Special – yes, the idea of somehow sterilising contributors to HYS had crossed my mind, despite the obvious problems (the interwebs being essentially disconnected, being one).

    It would be much easier, and much more practical, to limit population by impregnating The Daily Hate with abortifacients and other defertilising chemicals. No-one in their right mind would touch the paper, newsagents and paper recycling workers could be supplied biohazard suits to limit collateral damage. If this didn’t have the desired effect, the programme could be rolled out to The Daily Torygraph, The Spectator, The Sun and even The Express, although of course Express readers are well beyond child-bearing years.

  31. on 17 Apr 2009 at 1:10 pm   dirigible

    pigfrottage – Sorry. The asphyxiation was funny but in retrospect the rest was a bit serious. Mea fuckup.

  32. on 17 Apr 2009 at 1:51 pm   pigfrottage

    dirigible – Apology not necessary. I reread my message and it could mean that the condoms themselves don’t agree with the pope, which would be ideal. I suggest they go off and form a sect all by themselves.

    I find it is good to slip in an animal fanny reference to lighten the tone. Or a reference to a really bad sandwich.

    Tuna fish and nutella?

  33. on 17 Apr 2009 at 4:18 pm   tinkerbell2

    Is it possible that Kirstine is kidding? I mean, obviously she’s missed the mark, but to me her tone seems sarcastic. No? Oh.

    Also, I grew up near Bracknell. It’s pretty bad. The ‘what’s on’ section on here: http://www.trousers.co.uk/bracknell/harbinger/
    sums it up nicely.

  34. on 17 Apr 2009 at 7:49 pm   Mim

    I didn’t think Dundee was that awful, but then I’ve only ever been there to escape St Andrews, which truly is a dreadful place.

    Perhaps we should all move to London and just shut the rest of the country down? We’d have to find something else to patronise, but it’d be worth it for the museums.

  35. on 17 Apr 2009 at 8:11 pm   Moore Blx

    “Is Bracknell specifically awful or just provincial and a bit small and therefore beneath contempt?”

    Worse than Portsmouth (twinned with Beirut) ? Come on

    Mind you Portsmouth is trying hard to loose its island mentality by being a tad trendier and widening its gene pool towards Brighton, apparently they are thinking of renaming it Chavalona

  36. on 18 Apr 2009 at 4:49 am   Suicidal-Jihad-Lightning-Terrorist Man

    i think we have ran out of nuclear protestors becuase they have finally grown a brain cell and realised how much cheeper, safer, cleaner and powerfull it is compared to fossil fuels, either that or they defied the pope, used a condom and died of aids.

    either was i couldnt realy give a shit

  37. on 18 Apr 2009 at 4:49 am   Suicidal-Jihad-Lightning-Terrorist Man

    way….balls

  38. on 18 Apr 2009 at 4:51 am   Suicidal-Jihad-Lightning-Terrorist Man

    and “more powerful”

    fuck off its 10 to 5 in the mornin give me a break

  39. on 18 Apr 2009 at 4:39 pm   Joris Bohnson

    These people shouldn’t breed. My idea would be to have everyone forcibly sterilised at birth, and then anyone with useful characteristics could be reproduced using our reproductive technology. Alternatively, a cull does sound like a good idea. :)

  40. on 18 Apr 2009 at 10:34 pm   Disgusted, Tunbridge Wells

    “…just a little more immediate.”

    Is she giving birth to them fully grown?

  41. on 20 Apr 2009 at 1:46 pm   pigfrottage

    I’m surprised no one picked up on this:

    http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/south_asia/6161691.stm

    Does this mean they use less foil in their barrier method?