Armchair Generals and Racists17 Apr 2009 09:29 am

I See Your Zero Tolerance and Raise You Nuclear War

By Alex

What can we do about Somali pirates? Remember that, due to a prolonged civil war, Somalia’s national government is essentially non-existent in any practical sense. So it can hardly say it’s too busy to tackle piracy, and is therefore actively supporting piracy by passively standing around being nothing. We clearly need to pull out the BIG guns, find LONG term solutions and take a HARD line on this, but, impotent in the face of political correctness, the spineless BBC is only letting through limp do-gooders’ suggestions to go soft on Somalians.

Hanging pirates and leaving their bodies on display in various seaway points seemed to do the trick last time we had this issue.

Tony Sweeting, Leicester, United Kingdom

DOES ANYONE HAVE A LARGER PENIS THAN TONY SWEETING?

Simple, draw a “line” in the sea and inform Somalia that ANY boat from there that crosses the line, will automatically be sunk.

Yes, this will be hard on the poor unfortunate fisherman, people of Somalia, etc. They have my full sympathy.

But we do not tolerate other states (e.g. North Korea) sponsoring terrorism or committing criminal behavior and we enforce actions/sanctions there without concern for the citizens, why should we do different for Somalia.

Michael Begley, Stockholm

Compromise might yield some short-term results Michael, but in the long term appeasement only makes us look weak.

Close their home ports. All of them. Then sink all of their vessels at sea or not.

Lou, Baltimore

Pussy.

So they’ve captured an American ship and a British ship?

Here is an idea, lets deploy a regiment of heavily armed SAS Troopers, a few dozen Royal Marine Commandos, a handful of Navy Seals and lets say an aircraft carrier, 3 dozen harriers and a nuclear submarine or two to the area.

Then, if they hijack our ships we should kill the lot of them and then pursue a policy of nuclear disarmament – by getting rid of our trident missiles by firing them at the pirate’s Somalian home ports.

Mark Randall, His own little world, United Kingdom

I know you mean well, but you can’t just mollycoddle pirates.

68 Responses to “I See Your Zero Tolerance and Raise You Nuclear War”

  1. on 17 Apr 2009 at 9:53 am   pigfrottage

    I suggest cutting Somalia a new coastline with a laser satellite, like in “Die another day” That will teach them. They all look like this anyway:

    http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/uncyclopedia/images/1/1c/ROBBY_ROTTEN_AS_A_PIRATE.JPG

    :smile:

  2. on 17 Apr 2009 at 9:57 am   Alex

    They all look like this anyway:

    Pretty much like that, yeah, only in ridiculous cartoon blackface and with a magic AK-47 that fires Islam.

  3. on 17 Apr 2009 at 9:59 am   pigfrottage

    magic AK-47 that fires Islam

    Like this?

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iblYfc2QP-4

  4. on 17 Apr 2009 at 10:19 am   Shinybiscuit

    Pretty much like that, yeah, only in ridiculous cartoon blackface and with a magic AK-47 that fires Islam.

    Laughed, then felt stupid for laughing. Now I’m just sputtering into my tea whenever I imagine this amazing gun.

  5. on 17 Apr 2009 at 10:35 am   The Man That Won The Internet

    I have a bigger penis than Tony Sweeting.

  6. on 17 Apr 2009 at 10:43 am   Felna

    Mark Randall, His own little world, United Kingdom

    Well at least he admits it.

  7. on 17 Apr 2009 at 10:44 am   pigfrottage

    I have a bigger penis than Tony Sweeting.

    I suspect a gerbil has.

  8. on 17 Apr 2009 at 10:47 am   Clovis Sangrail

    Yes – a Somalian Muslim gerbil at that

  9. on 17 Apr 2009 at 10:49 am   A Very Public Sociologist

    Mark Randall’s location says it all.

  10. on 17 Apr 2009 at 10:54 am   Tomsk

    All these comments are soft.

    Send in Hornblower, he’ll sort these ruffians out.

  11. on 17 Apr 2009 at 10:54 am   Wacky Jacqui

    ARRRR! I’m the biggest pirate of them all.

  12. on 17 Apr 2009 at 11:04 am   Menendo

    I’m a bit disappointed that no-one has suggested “Ninjas” as the solution yet.

  13. on 17 Apr 2009 at 11:17 am   john Adair's Gerbil

    I do.

  14. on 17 Apr 2009 at 11:18 am   wringhim

    I have a simple solution. We attach a nuclear bomb to each British ship wired so that if anybody stands on the deck or even touches the hull, it explodes. We tell the pirates this, and see if they dare to attack.

    NB: For this to work, it is very important that the crews of our ships have no way of disabling the nuclear bombs.

  15. on 17 Apr 2009 at 11:23 am   Serotonin

    im still struggling with the concept of drawing a line in the sea.
    I wonder what material would be best to do this.

  16. on 17 Apr 2009 at 11:26 am   Dr Feelgood

    Bloody Africa again – making us feel bad because of their relentless displays of poverty, disease, famine, civil war, amputations, genocide, corruption, DEATH and (now) piracy.

    Do they not think for one second of the effect this has on us when we are watching the news on the 42″ LCD TV while having our tea? It’s even worse in HD.

    Selfish attention seekers, the lot of ‘em*. Almost makes me turn over to Paul O’Grady Show

    * Except No.1 Ladies Detective Agency – they’re nice; why can’t they all be like that?

  17. on 17 Apr 2009 at 11:34 am   Anasaurus

    Mark Randall’s idea made me laugh SO MUCH. Now the laughing is over, so it’s time to rip his head off.

  18. on 17 Apr 2009 at 11:36 am   Anasaurus

    @ Dr Feelgood:

    You are right about No.1 Ladies Detective Agency – did you notice that even when they show poverty and AIDS, it’s *cute* poverty and AIDS? Mad skills.

  19. on 17 Apr 2009 at 11:44 am   pigfrottage

    The most recommended of all:

    Razor wire welded round the sides of the ships ,spars could be welded on the ships
    Try getting past 6 feet of razor wire
    cheap and effective

    Bring Back Q ships
    a ship posing as a cargo vessel with 20 marines on board with heavy duty machine guns , radio back up , etc

    the pirates captured or killed no mercy

    soon get the message home
    they used sink pirate ships and hang them worked then years ago we need bring back the iron fist

    The 60s were normal uk 2009 i…, Stoke on Trent

    Recommended by 241 people

    Goodness knows what he wants to do with his iron fist. “The 60s were normal uk 2009 i…” is a really weird username, and that’s coming from me.

  20. on 17 Apr 2009 at 11:45 am   TinyMind

    im still struggling with the concept of drawing a line in the sea.
    I wonder what material would be best to do this.

    Obviously a waterproof pen.

  21. on 17 Apr 2009 at 12:05 pm   skunkpussy

    The simplest method would be to use helicopter gunships! Scare them out of the waters and with night vision attached, it should be an easy task to trace them and attack if they ignore warnings. No time should be wasted as lives are being lost of people innocently sailing. Sending warships is ridiculous as they take far too long to reach the vicinity and surprise is of the essence here.
    Joy Pattinson, Switzerland

    Clearly these waters are not policed sufficiently. So let’s have a dozen or so helicopter gunships and keep an eye out for these pirates from above. Surely radar would pick them out as soon as they left shore, Legitimate shipping in the area should possess special signals that they are friendly and these should only be known to them. This is like old times with Long John Silver with his pegleg and patch over his eye. Nothing has really changed has it.
    Joy Pattinson, Switzerland

    It’s clear that Joy has a BIG BLACK CHOPPER fantasy…

  22. on 17 Apr 2009 at 12:11 pm   Boredom Clown

    the spineless BBC is only letting through limp do-gooders’ suggestions to go soft on Somalians.

    Typical BBC / NuLiarBore – soft on Somalians, soft on the causes of Somalians!

  23. on 17 Apr 2009 at 12:13 pm   Col. Richard Hindrance (Mrs)

    @The Man That Won The Internet

    The late HRH The Queen Mother has a bigger penis than Tony Sweeting.

    Do I win £5?

  24. on 17 Apr 2009 at 12:18 pm   Oaf

    Can I have the job of drawing a line in the sea please?

    I think I have some salt water repellant crayons somewhere.

  25. on 17 Apr 2009 at 12:20 pm   Oaf

    The 60s were normal uk 2009 i…, Stoke on Trent

    What?

  26. on 17 Apr 2009 at 12:45 pm   fucko the clown

    I suggest a total embargo on eye patches and wooden legs, and perhaps shoot all parrots too.

    that’ll fuckem

  27. on 17 Apr 2009 at 12:53 pm   pigfrottage

    Oaf,

    See? It is a weird signon, is it not. unlike mine which is normal.

    Col. Richard Hindrance (Mrs) has a great username too.

  28. on 17 Apr 2009 at 12:57 pm   Edwin

    What’s the use of sending seals? Will they charm the pirates to death balancing balls on their snouts?

  29. on 17 Apr 2009 at 1:06 pm   dirigible

    Can someone quote Aliens, please? I can’t be arsed.

  30. on 17 Apr 2009 at 1:07 pm   millie

    The 60s were normal uk 2009

    Me thinks he means he didn’t take drugs and wasn’t a hippy. (So he can’t blame his lack of brain cells on his misspent youth.)

  31. on 17 Apr 2009 at 1:15 pm   G Dogitty Doggy Dogg

    @Serotonin
    You lack imagination, as do the scientists who refuse to create a way of writing on water. Why can’t we do this yet? Why can’t we do this yet? Are they too busy? Probably too busy creating human-animal hybrids so that this new race can come to our once GREAT Britain and claim benefits and live in a 4-bedroom house for free. That’s why the pirates are winning!!!1! Because UK scientists are creating a race of human-animal hybrids rather than arbitrarily drawing lines on water. The cunts.

    I’m new to the internet, is this where we all start cybering?

  32. on 17 Apr 2009 at 1:16 pm   Red

    I wonder where the ships that Joy’s choppers will have to fly from will be based,if she doesnt want any ships in the area?
    And I certainly dont recall Long John Silver having to deal with Apache gunships(although if he sailed the wrong way he could have met real Apache injuns-that would have been a good sequesl)

  33. on 17 Apr 2009 at 1:27 pm   Wilkinson Blades

    Only Mark Randall has a bigger penis than Tony Sweeting.

  34. on 17 Apr 2009 at 1:28 pm   funny peculiar

    The next time you cross a busy set of traffic lights, with cars zooming towards and zooming away from you and cars zooming either side. Just remember the drivers in whose hands you place your life belong to the HYS ‘KILL THEM ALL’ school of diplomacy. And they are all in charge of two tonnes of fast moving metal.

    In the shops, In the cinema, On the tube, wherever you go, behind all those dull, life-less eyes they are all thinking, “ARRRGHGHRGHGH I WANT TO KILL EVERY LAST FUCKING ONE OF YOU BECAUSE IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT I’M LIKE THIS.”

    You are constantly surrounded by an ocean of concealed hatred and violent bitter rage, held in check by paper-thin social convention. And the internet is rapidly eroding the barrier between taboo unspoken private thoughts and acceptable social behaviour.

    sleep well.

  35. on 17 Apr 2009 at 1:31 pm   Twisted Pair

    Clearly these waters are not policed sufficiently. So let’s have a dozen or so helicopter gunships and keep an eye out for these pirates from above. Surely radar would pick them out as soon as they left shore, Legitimate shipping in the area should possess special signals that they are friendly and these should only be known to them. This is like old times with Long John Silver with his pegleg and patch over his eye. Nothing has really changed has it.
    Joy Pattinson, Switzerland

    Ahh … Joy’s little fantasy world … where helicopter gunships have the range of E3s, radar has a special ‘pirate-detection’ mode and every vessel the size of a child’s inflatable banana is fitted with an IFF transponder.

  36. on 17 Apr 2009 at 1:33 pm   pigfrottage

    Only Mark Randall has a bigger penis than Tony Sweeting.

    (Should be “is a bigger penis…”)

  37. on 17 Apr 2009 at 1:52 pm   skunkpussy

    Ahh … Joy’s little fantasy world … where helicopter gunships have the range of E3s, radar has a special ‘pirate-detection’ mode and every vessel the size of a child’s inflatable banana is fitted with an IFF transponder.

    Apparently she thought ‘Airwolf’ was a documentary series.

  38. on 17 Apr 2009 at 2:28 pm   Gnome Queen

    whats needed is a trojan horse then blow them out of the water.

    john marsh, wales

    Nice plan. While the pirates are distracted by trying to work out why there is a giant wooden horse bobbing about in the Indian Ocean, a surprise attack can be launched.

  39. on 17 Apr 2009 at 2:29 pm   Throbbe

    You really don’t want to upset those pirates.

    <a href=”http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=angry+pirate”YAAAARRRRRR>

  40. on 17 Apr 2009 at 2:32 pm   Throbbe

    Bums

    YAAAARRRRRR

  41. on 17 Apr 2009 at 2:36 pm   Dr Feelgood

    Let’s not be too harsh on Joy.

    Perhaps the Royal Navy should base its strategy for the north-west Indian Ocean on the ramblings of a deranged post-menopausal old bint* stuck half-way up a mountain in a land-locked and highly affluent neutral country in Western Europe? This must give an insight into the situation in Somalia, and what better background could there be for a naval strategist?

    I went to Geneva once and found it was very like Mogadishu – can’t find an open bar after 10PM in either.

    *Apologies to any post-menopausal old bints who read this and consider my outburst to be in any way ageist or sexist. I take full responsibility for what happened. That’s why the person who was responsible went immediately.

  42. on 17 Apr 2009 at 3:08 pm   Roy Strong

    The Queen Mother was an HM, not an HRH.

    Though your other fact about her is quite correct.

  43. on 17 Apr 2009 at 3:11 pm   Long John Silver

    While we’re being pedantic, I never had a pegleg or an eyepatch. I could probably have done with the peg, but Neptune knows what use the patch would have been with two perfectly good eyes.

  44. on 17 Apr 2009 at 3:34 pm   jezkemp

    I don’t usually post on these – everyone else grabs my oh-so clever comments before I can get them down.

    But these people are BRAZEN SHIT-FACED CUNTS. There is no other description.

  45. on 17 Apr 2009 at 4:20 pm   Freddy Two Trousers

    Me thinks he means he didn’t take drugs and wasn’t a hippy. (So he can’t blame his lack of brain cells on his misspent youth.)

    What does he blame it on then?

  46. on 17 Apr 2009 at 6:21 pm   HM Jeffrey Archer

    @Col. Richard Hindrance (Mrs)

    She did that. What a gent she was. Beat me at soggy biscuit many a time.

  47. on 17 Apr 2009 at 6:27 pm   admiral_spunktrousers

    These comments are kind of revealing about an element of HYS mentality — they’re under the belief that all actions performed by anyone need to get, like, ‘clearance’ from that person’s nation state.

    Therefore: all HYS censorship is due to B-liar; Clown etc and all Somali pirates are backed to the hilt by their (barely-existent) state.

    Is this interesting? No! Why am I bringing it up? Don’t know!

  48. on 17 Apr 2009 at 7:55 pm   Bit Special

    Yes, why ARE you bringing it up? Surely, as a sea-faring man yourself, you’d be much better placed to comment on the whole piracy issue than the rest of us put together.

    On a much more important piratical note than those Somalian japesters, will we still have International Talk Like A Pirate Day this year? Or will Joy Pattinson nuke the living fuck out of me from her top-secret lair (every wall covered with pictures of her father) deep inside the Swiss mountains, simply for repeatedly bellowing ‘gaaaarrrrh’ at my boss, instead of ‘yes’, on Sep. 19th?

    Though rereading that last bit, I prolly deserve it. Worra cunt.

    http://www.talklikeapirate.com/

  49. on 17 Apr 2009 at 7:59 pm   Mim

    funny peculiar, that is why it’s taken me this long to be able to leave the house on my own. Still, at least I don’t look foreign so they won’t be actively aiming for my with their deathmobiles. Probably.

  50. on 18 Apr 2009 at 12:00 am   colour blind old lady hys driver

    don’t think those forren grey traffic lights will slow me down young lady.

  51. on 18 Apr 2009 at 4:36 am   Suicidal-Jihad-Lightning-Terrorist Man

    does anyone know joy pattersons adress or contact details?

    i am from a major middle easten recruitment agency and would like to perchase some of joys 100,000 mile ranged mach 10 helicopter gun ships. her super radar of knowledge and what ever other superweapons she has intimate knowledge of.

  52. on 18 Apr 2009 at 8:42 am   admiral_spunktrousers

    Ha! Weren’t Ms. (has to be ‘Miss’, really — no one could tolerate, let alone love, that cunt) Pattinson’s contact details actually made valid public upon zis very blog at one point?

    Obviously to dig them up again for any nefarious purpose would be an act of tragedian twattery. But I just found the above post rather amusing in light of past events.

  53. on 18 Apr 2009 at 8:43 am   admiral_spunktrousers

    ‘Valid’ is not the same word as ‘very’, no matter what I think.

  54. on 18 Apr 2009 at 11:39 am   The 6th Earl of Cheltenham

    These are not proper pirates. No mention of pieces of eight and a forgotten number of men on a dead man’s chest. Pathetic.
    Sorry, just passing through.

  55. on 18 Apr 2009 at 1:25 pm   Duncan

    Hanging pirates and leaving their bodies on display in various seaway points seemed to do the trick last time we had this issue.

    I dunno Tony, it didn’t work in ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’ did it?

  56. on 19 Apr 2009 at 4:57 am   Joe C

    It seems that the idiot magnet was set to full power that day.

  57. on 19 Apr 2009 at 2:40 pm   Tin Foil Hatter

    I’m still struggling with the concept of drawing a line in the sea

    If everyone plants a tree in their garden and doesn’t breathe out, it will suck all the carbon dioxide out of the air causing global cooling which will freeze the ocean allowing the line to be painted on the ice. And pirate ships couldn’t sail in the ice anyway. And it would solve this catastrophic global climate change problem which I keep hearing about. Hankyu!

  58. on 19 Apr 2009 at 5:43 pm   Bit Special

    I don’t have a garden and I like to breathe out, on the grounds that it keeps me alive. Does this make me as bad as Hitler?

  59. on 19 Apr 2009 at 6:14 pm   Suicidal-Jihad-Lightning-Terrorist Man

    it makes you selfish

  60. on 19 Apr 2009 at 7:35 pm   Bit Special

    Oh, go jihad yourself.

  61. on 20 Apr 2009 at 12:11 am   Suicidal-Jihad-Lightning-Terrorist Man

    =( i was only joking

    even us islams have feelings

  62. on 20 Apr 2009 at 12:46 am   Bit Special

    I was also joking. BTW, are you allowed to speak to unmarried woman? You might have to jihad yourself after all :0

  63. on 20 Apr 2009 at 10:14 am   Mim

    Oh, Bit Special, your poor lady brain is all confused. It is not his fault, it is your fault for being there!

    I hope he doesn’t respond to this or I too will have to be stoned.

  64. on 20 Apr 2009 at 10:27 am   pigfrottage

    In Islamic countries, women who commit adultery get stoned, in western countries women who get stoned commit adultery.

    (Or something) from Yes Minister.

    I was at a wedding on Saturday where the two most drunk people there were muslims. you couldn’t make it up. !!ONE?!!

  65. on 20 Apr 2009 at 10:28 am   pigfrottage

    Should be a capital Y on “You” above. Never mind.

  66. on 20 Apr 2009 at 1:22 pm   Joris Bohnson

    @funny peculiar- Ya, but you try and tell that to a doctor and they’ll lock you up quick smart. Sociopaths.

  67. on 21 Apr 2009 at 3:15 pm   Jonatton Yeah?

    But surely if we kill them, they will just come back as ghost* pirates, and they are far scarier.

    *or whatever the Muslimic equivalent is.

  68. on 21 Apr 2009 at 5:52 pm   outragedofbelmarsh

    Oh, be fair on the HYSers. They’ve not got anything against the Somalian pirates in particular. They just want to lynch and immolate Africans in general.