Miscellaneous Prats and Outsiders and Permanently Bewildered17 Apr 2009 01:32 pm

More Mail Monsters

By Alex

Holy crap now this is a magnificent brute. The Daily Mail has really outdone itself in horrific-foreign-beast scare-stories. It’s almost worth actually reading the thing. A 1.2m polychaete worm “covered in thousands of bristles which are capable of inflicting a sting resulting in permanent numbness” and who munches through rare coral like a hot knife through butter.

Its a pity they didnt call it Gordo”…after another worm…..but then it might have given him complex………there are after all worms you dont want to be named after.
Charles, London

To be honest Charles, I think you’re stretching it a bit with this one. Maybe work on your delivery too.

Can we let this worm be let loose on Nu Labour!
paul copus, Heathrow

No, Paul, it wouldn’t attack its own kind.
A J, Great Yarmouth, Norfolk

You two are such a brilliant double act, it’s almost worth reelecting a corrupt gang of inept, fake-left authoritarians just to provide you with material. Don’t shoot yourselves (and your beloved country) in the foot by being too funny!

I hope this is the next animal facing extinction
Valerie, Philadelphia

Sorry Valerie, I rang God, he faxed me the schedule, and it’s actually a hornet whose venom produces boring hallucinations, followed by the Honest British Bobby. I’m afraid this worm isn’t timetabled until 2056, right after the last Xhosa-Estonian interpreter dies in a waterskiing accident.

It’s gross, they should get rid of it permanently. What possible use is its existence? none, I suspect.
Sarah, Bournemouth

Thanks to Mr Tug for this one. As he says “I wonder what criteria you must meet to be deemed suitable to live in a coral reef in Sarah’s world? Obviously being massively rare and a bit creepy isn’t one of them.” And she’s clearly not thought too hard about the hijinks-potential of “permanent numbness”.

30 Responses to “More Mail Monsters”

  1. on 17 Apr 2009 at 1:38 pm   Daley Mayle

    Strangely ironic that a HYSer would question the point of necessity for existence of something gross and useless…

  2. on 17 Apr 2009 at 1:42 pm   RJ

    Ironically a polychaete worm sent in exactly the same comment about Sarah from Bournemouth. What an absolute cretin.

  3. on 17 Apr 2009 at 1:58 pm   Andromeda

    Oops, another worm to give me nightmares!

    I’m shocked, actually, that this foreign menace hasn’t already been blamed for the state of the housing market / violence in our streets / the falling literacy of our children (delete as appropriate)…

  4. on 17 Apr 2009 at 1:59 pm   funny peculiar

    They should shove this abomination down the trousers of those dreadful somali priate nig… people. And then nuke the lot of them.

    What’s the possible use of Somalians anyway? None, I suspect.

  5. on 17 Apr 2009 at 2:03 pm   Mr Cat

    I love Sarah’s expertise here. It is a thing of beauty. Marine biologists watch your back – there’s a new cat in town!

  6. on 17 Apr 2009 at 2:10 pm   Mr Cat

    It causes permanent numbness in humans? Wonder if they ever thought of using it medically for human pain management? Might be useful for those suffering from some debilitating pain. If anyone reads this? It was my idea first.

    - Sydney, Kansas, USA, 31/3/2009 14:51

    Intellectual property rights asserted on a vague idea via the daily mail HYS.

    That’s legally airtight.

  7. on 17 Apr 2009 at 2:15 pm   Rose

    @ Andromeda The Daily Mail readers have done pretty well, though. They’ve made the usual boring, predictable Nu Labour and Gordon Brown jokes. One fuckwit even uses the worm as an excuse to drive his penis extension. Genius:

    ‘So this is the ‘Global Warming’ that’s been killing coral? Big relief. I can drive my big-engined sports car again!’
    lewis sanborn, Fort Worth, Texas, USA, 1/4/2009 14:53

    They’ve missed a trick with immigrant jokes, however. Barry’s got to be a forrin and Daily Fascist readers love their immigrunts!

  8. on 17 Apr 2009 at 2:25 pm   Rod Wrongnob

    I’m not actually a professor of sea worms but I bet those things lay a million eggs when they mate. There’s one in the eye for Kirstine Berry of Bracknell. I like to think of it as smugness-offsetting.

    Also nice to see that Sarah’s comment has a rating of minus nearly 2000.

  9. on 17 Apr 2009 at 2:44 pm   Rogue_Leader

    It’s gross, they should get rid of it permanently. What possible use is its existence? none, I suspect.

    Mr Pilkington? Is that you?

  10. on 17 Apr 2009 at 3:19 pm   Dear Apostrophe Waitress

    I am horrified to see that Sarah has managed to be unimaginative and narrow-minded despite apparently knowing the difference between “its” and “it’s”. Time to upgrade my moron-detector. (Methinks.)

  11. on 17 Apr 2009 at 4:14 pm   fucko the clown

    I vote we put them on paedo’s cocks, therefore they would have no sensation and wouldn’t enjoy making young boys suck them off anymore.

  12. on 17 Apr 2009 at 4:30 pm   Black Lesbian In A WheelChair

    @ Apostrophe Waitress – amusing that your point is then illustrated by fucko getting his apostrophe wrong (when Sarah didn’t)…

  13. on 17 Apr 2009 at 5:02 pm   Rotwatcher

    @BLIAW – there’s plenty not to love about fucko, but in this instance I think he got his apostrophes right, methink’s.

  14. on 17 Apr 2009 at 6:26 pm   apostrophe's

    @rotwatcher

    eh? is there only one paedo in the world and he’s got more than one cock? because surely fucko meant to type paedos’.

    also… methink’s? do you mean to abbreviate methink is?

    or are you just taking the piss. oh

  15. on 17 Apr 2009 at 6:27 pm   millie

    they should get rid of it permanently. What possible use is its existence?

    Exactly. Just cos you’re a sea worm doesn’t mean you have to be
    ugly.

  16. on 17 Apr 2009 at 6:38 pm   admiral_spunktrousers

    The ‘Daily Mail’ online comments section: capable of causing permanent numbness.

  17. on 17 Apr 2009 at 7:01 pm   fucko the clown

    yep there is only one paedo, it is jonathan king, he has the ability to shape shift into gary glitter and other associated toads.

  18. on 17 Apr 2009 at 7:13 pm   ey

    “He seems so prehistoric! 4ft in length… wonder how wide it is… he seems at least a foot wide… ”

    So it’s a 4 x 1 foot plank?
    Really?

  19. on 17 Apr 2009 at 8:11 pm   Mim

    I think Sarah overheard her two remaining decent impulses plotting against her and just got confused. Not as confused as I was when trying to decide whether to laugh, cry or kill all things I deem useless.

    I’m going to look at knitting patterns now before my mind goes on fire.

  20. on 17 Apr 2009 at 11:40 pm   sarahs neighbour

    judging by the noises coming through the wall, sarah and the 1.2 metre worm have been reunited. truely nature moves in mysterious ways.

  21. on 18 Apr 2009 at 4:16 am   Suicidal-Jihad-Lightning-Terrorist Man

    apo’strophe police can s’uck my ball’s.

    s’tick your dam wrangling’s, it’s you’se who ruin the bloody language with your s’mug “har har im s’o fucking clever i know where to put the s’quiggly bit”

    i know where to put the s’quiggly bit

    S’tick it up your ar’se you self righteou’s fuck’s.

    annnnnd breathe….now what were we talking about?

  22. on 18 Apr 2009 at 3:36 pm   Tin Foil Hatter

    Aquarium staff have unearthed a ‘giant sea’ worm that was attacking coral reef and prize fish.

    Mediterranean? check.
    Barents? check.
    Baltic? check.
    Giant? Er…

    None of these respondents, or indeed the journalist, seem to have even the slightest interest in this worm, its classification, geographic location etc. I found that odder than the beast itself, particularly considering that the worm is so scary you actually couldn’t make it up.

  23. on 18 Apr 2009 at 4:41 pm   Polychaete Worm

    I must agree, there are far too many worthless and disgusting creatures on this planet already. DEATH TO ALL HUMANS!!one!

  24. on 19 Apr 2009 at 3:30 am   _synesthésia

    Nothing is more tragic than bitter-right wingers making poor attempts at humour.

  25. on 19 Apr 2009 at 8:02 am   The Gnome Secretary

    Oh God, has everyone seen the Should CIA ‘torture’ staff be prosecuted? Thread.

    When al qaeda stops beheading people on video and slaughtering civilians en masse on a daily basis, we’ll stop holding someone’s head under water for a few seconds. Jihadists kill dozens of innocent people on a daily basis in this world, and you silly liberals are worried about some animal getting his hair wet. Some of you have already been saved by these tactics, I suggest you rethink your positions.

    P McFall, Atlanta, United States

    Recommended by 190 people

    I’d rather die than be complicit with CIA torture. Frankly.

    What a cunt.

  26. on 19 Apr 2009 at 10:49 am   Rogue_Leader

    Jesus:

    Added: Friday, 17 April, 2009, 12:40 GMT 13:40 UK
    No they shouldn’t

    People forget that the majority of these suspects weren’t plucked from quiet little cul de sacs in middle England or nice American towns. They were taken from war zones or places very much like war zones. If you aren’t indigenous to that area, an aid worker or a member of the armed services then yes you should be taken in for questioning in whatever form that takes, don’t blame obama, blame the terrorist scum who have forced world governments to reply in kind!!!

    The Man, Glasgow, United Kingdom

    I’m not going to Glasgow. I’m not from a quiet little cul-de-sac in middle England, you see. Or Glasgow.

  27. on 19 Apr 2009 at 12:23 pm   Polychaete Worm

    I be insulted. Actually, that was my poor attempt at irony; with a quote from futurama. Leave me be, we don’t get good reception down here :o

  28. on 19 Apr 2009 at 12:25 pm   Polychaete Worm

    also, thinking back it was three in the morning and i was hammered…oh well.

  29. on 19 Apr 2009 at 2:16 pm   Human

    You know, ‘Polychaete Worm’, you could stop being such a racist. His name’s Barry.

  30. on 19 Apr 2009 at 7:44 pm   The Gnome Secretary

    @Polychaete Worm I thought that comment was directed at the attempts at humour from the Daily Mail’s comments section.

    I think most people reading that could tell you were being sarcastic.