Thanks to “skunkpussy”. Our old friend Joy Pattinson is still tapping away gamely at her keyboard. I’m starting to hear her posts in the voice of Ann Widdecombe.
It’s about the pirates again.
The simplest method would be to use helicopter gunships! Scare them out of the waters and with night vision attached, it should be an easy task to trace them and attack if they ignore warnings. No time should be wasted as lives are being lost of people innocently sailing. Sending warships is ridiculous as they take far too long to reach the vicinity and surprise is of the essence here.
Joy Pattinson, Switzerland
I was going to point out that posting your plan on the internet ruins the element of surprise. Then I thought about it a bit harder and realised that, if the Chief Army Generals start paying attention to the hatstand witterings of bints on the internet, the Somali pirates, along with everyone else in the world, are going to be extremely fucking surprised.
30 Responses to “Joy’s Military Strategy”
I reckon Joy works at one of those Swiss suicide clinics. When ‘patients’ have last minute doubts, they send them to Joy for a little chat. Hey presto! All of a sudden they can’t wait to get hooked up to the old morphine machine.
Can we have a new tag for ‘armchair generals’ please.
Why does the BBC post ridiculous topics like ‘how would you solve the somali pirate problem’, are the admins as much aware of this bollocks as we are and goading it on?
..I see we already have one, well we need something else to accurately depict the raving of these topics.
I think the BBC has a winning format on it’s hands;
“How do you solve a problem like Somali Pirates?”
Each week a band of grizzled ex-military personnel offer their expertise and training to solve difficult conflicts.
From Black Hawk Down scenarios of being stranded in foreign countries surrounded on all sides, to lambasting the Red Bear as it rolls into ex-satellite states to reassert it’s dominance.
Extra points for inventive ways of obliterating the enemy, bloodshed and explosions offer the largest bonus points.
Then at the end of each episode the public gets to decide on it’s least favourite mercenary who is summarily dispatched to Iraq or Afghanistan. Fantastic.
Surprise is indeed of the essence.
Which is why a fucking loud helicopter gunship wouldn’t be much of a suprise at all.
If I’m right.
Can’t they just use Google Maps like everyone else?
Unless it was cloaked like a Romulan starship – that might work.
The key here is understanding what is motivating these dastardly pirates – they always ask for ransom therefore it’s reasonable to assume they are after money. So, rather than give all our money away to Fred fucking Goodwin let’s bomb these bastards with £5 notes. It’s perfect, no collateral damage, no messy bleeding civilians on the news no need to go to sea in a converted bath tub armed with only pointy sticks and overpowering multi million ton super tankers. Foolproof.
Right then, world hunger next……….
I’m curious to find out where miltary genius Joy thinks these helicopters will be taking off from. I’m guessing either Stronberg’s ocean hideout, or they’ll just use the chronosphere.
It is feasible
THIS IS EVERYTHING I KNOW ABOUT SWITZERLAND. PAT ME ON THE BACK AND TELL ME I’M FUNNY.
I think what Joy is saying is that these pirates needs a bank account with absolute privacy and that if they are interested she could hook them up with a great deal.
Alex – chill mate, seriously!
Alex – is now a bad time to make a cuckoo clocks and Nazi gold shout?
You people are all misunderstanding the subtlety of Joy’s plan. Let me spell it out. HELI-FUCKIN’-COPTER GUNSHIPS. I hope this helps explain it.
What!?! They have banks, cuckoo clocks and Nazi gold too? If only I’d known I wouldn’t feel quite so foolish.
where is that stingray that got Steve Irwin, maybe joy could recruit it into her private attack squad.
And chocolate. The chocolate is very important.
Who goes for a peaceful sail in pirate-infested waters, anyway? (No really, I want to know so I stop picturing it as Duran Duran.)
Just a slight flaw in that plan. As Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home conclusively proved, a cloaked ship makes just as much noise as an uncloaked ship.
What we need is a cloaked, silent, fast-moving anti-pirate zeppelin. With lasers and targeted Air-to-Somalian missiles.
I also think Joy (and most of HYS) underestimate the size of the fucking ocean. It’s, well, oceanic.
Switzerland FACT: Rolle (or Mont-sur-Rolle, a village about a mile away) is a wine-producing town. Therefore, it is my contention that Joy is, in fact, permanently pissed, making her consequently obsessed with super-stealth nuclear-armed pirate-zapping helicopter gunships. Mayhaps
Well, I say Joy has been driven mad by the sound of all those clog factories and windmills.
Wait.
Maybe Joy has so much time to tell the internet about her theories because she has no need to work on account of the Swiss levying so little tax?
Ooh, and she also has so much time because she’s neutral in all global conflicts!!
Or, more accurately, a whine-producing town.
Fuck Romulan starships, Dr Manhattan ought to get his selfish arse into gear and go sort these pirates out.
God, I find the pirate shit boring. And that’s a sentence I never thought I’d *hear* myself *say*.
AND THE SKIING!!!!!?
Or, alternatively, send some Somalian pirates to a big old house in th country to spend a few months as governess to a load of Austrian kids. The beauty of the plan is this: if the pirates turn out to be peedo pirates (the worst kind), it doesn’t matter – they’re only forrun kids anyway!
SHARKS WITH LASER BEAMS. Is that too much to ask?
Fuck it, if we’re going down the sharks route, I’ll raise you ninjas, wizards, ninja wizards, and bears that shoot lasers out of their eyes!
What about Eli, the little girl-vampire out of ‘Let The Right One In’? She could attack in the dead of night, that would make them shit a fucking brick.
And also die.
Wow, I’m so bastard topical right now. w00t.
I’m with Joy on this one -
- but only if the Helicopter Gunships play Wagner as they swoop majestically down from the skies.
We don’t need no ships in the area – we could fly the helicopters in using bigger helicopters, or a jet plane that could fly super fast and carry lots of gunships at once.
And the gunships would have a silent mode, like Blue Thunder, that they could use to sneak up on the pirates or use to perv at girls doing naked yoga in unfeasibly large windowed apartments. And they’d all be piloted by Roy Schneider clones and co-piloted by Ernest Borgnine because he was in Airwolf and all the cloned pilots would have cars that talked in a slightly effete voice and did turbo-boosted jumps when they needed to get away from pirates and muggers and shit. And all the Ernest Borgnines would have mad skillz with the computers and jam the pirates radios and lots of naughty brown peoples would die. But no innocent people would die because the gunships would know not to shoot them. Wheeeee! Kapow! Blammo!
Somalis Don’t Surf.
Nah.
Two words:
ZOMBIE COWBOYS!
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Undead-Or-Alive-DVD/dp/B001TJKVJ6/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=dvd&qid=1240487932&sr=1-1
(Insert your own Dunya jokes as I can’t be arsed)
for real surprise I recommend frickin’ sharks, frickin’ sharks with lasers. Choose big enough frickin’ sharks and she would be able to fly helicopter fucking gunships from their backs straight to the pirates…. About as likely as being allowed to operate such gunships by countries in the region and within stiking distance of the ne’er do wells. Or maybe Somalia should be invaded too.