Thanks to Mark. Until today, I genuinely believed the internet was anonymous. That was until I read these suggestions for the budget:
Slash the number of civil servants – this will cut rad tape
Slash Public pension funds – level to with private ones
Slash MP’s expenses to £20 a week
Cut Petrol duty
Raise tax thresholds
Tax people with Bushy eyebrows (Even chancellors)
Take us out of the EU – that will save 4+ Billions
Tax all foreign drivers that come here
Lower import Duties for items bought on ebay from abroad
Make Students pay back all their tuition fees
Abolish taxes on flights[POLARIS69], Kent, United Kingdom
You see, all of a sudden, through the digital ether, I realised I could sense [POLARIS69]. Not only that, certain pieces of information about his lifestyle and personal history flashed before my eyes:
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He does not work in or use the civil service
He works in the private sector
His job does not require him to claim expenses
He drives a lot, but does not own a fuel-efficient car
He falls only slightly within his tax bracket
He has thin eyebrows and prides himself on his sense of humour
He does not travel or do business on the continent
He never drives abroad
He buys a lot on eBay, much of it from outside the UK
He never went to University
He flies a lot
Almost had his real name for a minute too, but it was drowned out by the spirits whispering “self-important, whining, stingy cunt” over and over into my ear.
40 Responses to “I’m Psychic”
If POLARIS69FUCKWIT had his way Britain would be a wasteland by 2030, populated by Mad Max style pissflapheads wanking over defunct pound sterling notes and coughing up petrol. Overhead, planes would be queing for months to take the last Britons off to Europaland, whilst Muslims arrive on camels to plunder and rape what’s left of our women and young boys. But he’ll be long dead by then.
I agree with his sentiment entirely. I think we should get rid of all the rad tape and replace it with groovy tape, or cool tape, or whatever word the kids use these days.
Rad tape is so early 90s.
“rad tape”?
Maybe that’s what debunker would use to mark out the places to get the Atahm Bahmb.
Talk about contradictions:
Take us out of the EU … Abolish taxes on flights
Tax all foreign drivers … Lower import Duties for items bought from abroad
And then the killer:
“Make Students pay back all their tuition fees”
Erm, students paid tuition fees up-front until 2 years ago, and now they get it as a repayable loan…
He’s probably gone to the trouble of creating a rudimentary ‘Polaris69 Budget Calculator’ to see who would be the winners and losers as a result of this feast of nonsense.
He would be the only net winner in the whole nation. Until he got ran over by a bushy-eyed graduate public-sector foreign truck driver outside his house, that is.
No Tonymac, I think I’d have tracked him down and run him over long before that particular demographic got their hands on him.
I think his moniker POLARIS69 shows us even more about the plucker in a Freudian way.
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I think his moniker POLARIS69 shows us even more about the plucker in a Freudian way.
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Particularly as Polaris was never fired in anger, and had an appallingly bad record of misfiring prematurely…
Well, his name is essentialy NUCLEAR PENIS METAPHOR.
He’s also mis-spelt the word between ‘POLARIS69′ and ‘United Kingdom’.
I think “He buys a lot on eBay, much of it from outside the UK” isn’t quite right, though. More likely he bought one thing from abroad on eBay recently, and paid a bit too much for it, and has allowed this one incident to dictate his budget plans.
Ah yes, sorry, its Cunt, United Kingdom.
polaris69 should be used as an example of what will happen when you read the Daily Mail. All the shite taken in gets puked out, rather like John Coffey in The Green Mile. Except polaris69 pukes bullet-pointed fuckwittery onto the interwebs.
I am surprised he didn’t mention public/private sector apartheid, gold plated pension pots and going to Hell in a handcart though.
Presumably, as well as never having been to university, that he has no children who will be going to university either.
By which I mean that he has no children, because no wimmin want his babies.
Is it OK if I call my imaginary punk band “Nuclear Penis Metaphor”?
I know what he means by the rampant, almost brazen use of OUR roads, that each of us built with the sweat of our brows, being corrupted by foreign drivers driving their foreign cars.
I saw a German car with a Polish number plate the other day. It makes me want to sick up Brian from Clackmannanshire.
Lest we forget:
He likes to pull arbitrary numbers out of his ass.
H’es also got that nasty premature apostrophe thing. Your just building up to a nice plural possessive (yeah babay yeah babay uhuh uhuh) and suddenly the damn thing squirt’s off on it’s own and ruin’s you’re hole evening.
I think you missed out the word ‘mistakenly’ before the word ‘prides’ there?
Other than that, probably a word perfect summation.
Not that know the man/woman/metaphor personally of course, but then I wouldn’t want to. Meet, yes; but not know.
could you escape the eyebrow tax by utilising tweezers? shouldn’t there be a tweezer tax? would it extend to wax strips and threading?
christ, he really hasn’t thought this through has he.
though i notice he’s capped up Bushy, as in the dreadful place in north london. people with Bushy eyebrows… WHAT DOES IT MEAN
Abolish taxes on flights – I was on my way to Costa Del Sol when one of HMRC’s finest demanded my complete tax history for the past financial year.
Cheesy cunts the lot of them, I’ll cut their red tape, rah rah rah…
sure – my new band is called WANKING A SAD PIG*. Maybe we could do a gig together. The posters will be awesome.
*I wrote that in an earlier post put I got CENSORED!!!11 by the STASTIYLISMWDYGLTFASCIST mods!!!!!111 I’d take it up with the European Court of Human Rights, but Human Rights are BLEEDING HEART NAMBY PAMBY LOONY LEFT LIBERAL NAZI MOSLEM BULLSHIT.
I’m being oppressed!
More likely, of course, that I just forgot to press ‘submit comment’ and, mildly satisfied with my little prospective post, wandered off absent mindedly to search Google for PIG + WANKING.
“Tax people with Bushy eyebrows”
Completely agree – I think people with eyebrows like Bush should be asked to do EXTREMELY challenging tasks. Bit unsure how that would benefit the economy though…
I would never do that…
Students pay back their tuition fees, but not thosegraduates. Cheers polaris, you’re not such a cunt after all.
I do like this wonderful sleight of hand these ‘Polaris69′ types use. Whereby ‘slashing’ public sector pensions is a solution to their own problem. That is, a piss-poor private sector pension. Rather than, er, campaigning against those tight-arsed capitalist bastards he works for to give him and his fellow workers a half-decent retirement deal. But I forget! Of course capitalism is completely natural. And anything that happens in the private sector is just the will of God, so no matter what indignity his bosses shove onto him, it’s a case of tugging his greasy fucking forelock and saying ‘”Gawd bless yer, kind sir, for me worth-fuck-all pension. Still, me poverty and heartache are made better for knowing them public sector bastards are just as badly off…”
Oh, nonononono.
I couldn’t resist reading the ‘Ghurkas’ thread.
Shoot me now.
I’m willing to bet 4+ Billions that he doesn’t understand the tuition fee / student loan system.
If I’m right.
Alex, I think “Self-Important, Whining, Stingy Cunt” is his real name.
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GOD REST yE MERRY GENTLEMEN
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I think I speak for al of us when I say: Huh?
I am a member of the Society for the Aboishment of the ‘Etter L. We’re not particuary vigiant.
I am wondering if “foreign drivers” can plug the entire £45bn black hole in the budget? Sure they are unfortunate enough not be British. They probably don’t even have real driving licenses but just some nasty foreign version you get for not mowing down any pedestrians that week. Still they must be mad keen to come here so they can break the Queen’s speed limits with impunity whilst eating onions and I am sure would happily pay some of that pretend Euro money they have for the privilege.
All SYB people are psychic…. And I’m sensing a very strong karmic-aura-phase-energy from this one… there’s something big coming through… it’s round… soft… perhaps a Walrus or a world-record blancmange… no… hold on… ah, Yes, I see it now… it’s a very large pair of buttocks… huge, in fact… wrapped in… a shawl? or shroud? wait, it’s clearing… enormous greying underpants covered with crisp crumbs and dried semen… and the sound of a computer keyboard being struck very aggressively…
And I’m getting a name…
… His true spirit name is Lonely Bitter Pudding. And his spirit guide is a tear-stained, angry McWhopper called Dribble, lost on the astral plane reserved for rabid Elephant Seals. Aww.
I think he wants skinny families to get consumption.
If I’m right.
Or better yet feed the skinnies and their kids to the infertile lard-arse. Then the tubbo will catch consumption from the tainted meat, in the same way you can apparently catch this swine flu stuff just by thinking about bacon sarnies apparently, and will lose loads of weight.
I, for one, think this is a brilliant idea, if I’m right.
Bank!
But..but… what about sending me back where I came from?
That was, for the dimwitted (and other such creatures that expect clarity of thought), a reference to POLARIS69′s brilliant idea.
But no brain dump can possibly be complete without a reference to immigrunts, can it? I’m disappointed.
Just google him. He’s a 22 year old from Widnes who spends an awful lot of time on singles sites. Which suggests why he wouldn’t want his purchases from abroad inspected too closely by the customs people …