spEak You're bRanes

Found this on the Telegraph website. Do you ever fantasise about power? Do you ever picture yourself as a God, life and death at your fingertips, as you pour boiling water on an anthill and then sprinkle a bounty of sugar for the lucky survivors? Do you imagine puny little beings cowering before your brutal justice, but not ants this time, not ants but human beings screaming with terrified awe? And then do you ever think that’s not nearly enough?

debunker
At the end of WW2 the A bomb was dropped on two japanese cities to avoid a land invasion that could have taken ww2 another 5 years or more and killed millions of soldiers in the process. It worked, and we never heard a peep out of the japanese ever again.

If ever there was a place in the world that deserved the same treatment it’s the middle east.

This got me thinking about what other regions of the world deserve what. I mean, who could argue that Latin America really deserved the strife, the death squads, the coups, the kidnappings and the union busting? On the other hand, Eastern Europe surely deserves a medal for the past sixty years. Should East Anglia get a bonus this quarter? What are we going to do about Belgium? And of course there’s – wait, just a second – HEY YOU! YES YOU! HORN OF AFRICA! Listen to me young lady, if you think you’re going out dressed like that. Jesus woman. Look at the state of you, your ass all hanging out. Put some clothes on it if you respect yourself! No I’m not joking. Look at my face, do I look like I’m joking? And you won’t get any pudding, Bavaria, unless you eat your vegetables.

A couple from “Brothers or sisters – which are best?”. There’s only one way to find out… ask a bunch of rubbish twats.

Historically part of a woman’s social value was to have a good disposition which promoted happiness. Less so for men. It could be argued that it still seen as more damaging to portray one’s sister as a shrew and therefore failing in this social function than it is to portray one’s brother in equivilent fashion.

By apparently disregarding the social context within which their research is taking place (the above is just one example) the authors “results” are questionable.
Jojo, Portsmouth

Hi Jojo. This may seem a little random but after reading your comment I’ve decided to offer you the post of “Professor of Science ‘n’ Shit” here at SYB University. Your duties will involve sitting in a leather chair and writing sentences full of words like “consider”, “conversely” and “therefore”. You know, just like a real professor.

I was also pleased to find my favourite spite-filled banshee, Joy Pattinson, screeching her usual song of hate.

I have cut relations totally with my younger brother. Had he been older than me things would have been different as I believe older brothers tend to protect their sisters. I would have loved a sister. A younger brother tends to order you about as he has a problem being younger. So he makes this up by bossing you about in an effort to push you out of your position as the eldest. He always strives to be better. And in doing it just proves he is inferior. Boys have problems with older sisters.
Joy Pattinson, Switzerland

Yeah. You won that. Cut him off totally. I bet he’s gutted.

Thanks to Eugenie.

I have never bought a record, tape or a DVD/CD in my life. I have had a few bought for me but I refuse to give these so-called pop stars/singers any of my money. There is the radio for listening to music and that is as far as I take it.

I know of people who spend £40-£50 per month on music – quite frankly they are such sad people.

I have never even been to a music concert nor downloaded any music on the web. My money is for ME and not for others to live like lords on it.
Bob Jackson, Newport

Take a tip from Bob and save your money. Then you can pay someone to keep popping round and check whether or not you’re dead yet.

Thanks to “skunkpussy”. Our old friend Joy Pattinson is still tapping away gamely at her keyboard. I’m starting to hear her posts in the voice of Ann Widdecombe.

It’s about the pirates again.

The simplest method would be to use helicopter gunships! Scare them out of the waters and with night vision attached, it should be an easy task to trace them and attack if they ignore warnings. No time should be wasted as lives are being lost of people innocently sailing. Sending warships is ridiculous as they take far too long to reach the vicinity and surprise is of the essence here.
Joy Pattinson, Switzerland

I was going to point out that posting your plan on the internet ruins the element of surprise. Then I thought about it a bit harder and realised that, if the Chief Army Generals start paying attention to the hatstand witterings of bints on the internet, the Somali pirates, along with everyone else in the world, are going to be extremely fucking surprised.

Thanks to Tara.

This makes me so angry – why is it drug addicts and alcaholics and smokers get treatment on the NHS for it and special schemes where people who are addicted to food dont get any help whatsoever from the doctors but are only told “lose weight”. This country is totally backwards if you ask me!
heidi, leeds

If you want treatment on the NHS, learn from the smokers. Keep stuffing cakes into your face until you get lung cancer.

Thanks to Michael for finding Tom mac, who manages to be both incredibly cynical and utterly incapable of thinking for himself.

If Brown claims it was a success,then it probably wasnt.

Tom mac

Academic really, but that one was about the G20 Summit. I wonder if, every time the PM says “To be honest, that one could have gone a lot better”, Tom mac goes “Now come on Gordon, don’t beat yourself up, you achieved as much as could be expected given the circumstances”.

He also has a better idea to save the world than pretending to save energy for an hour.

Under the circumstances I think it would have been more appropriate to have everyone on their knees praying for an hour.I think that would have been more beneficial than the mear act of flicking a switch.We could have prayed for the sick and dying,for the homeless and unemployed,for those suffering from cancer,for bereaved families,for world peace and for our families and friends.We of course would also pray for guidance regarding climate change.I am positive that it would be most effective.

Tom mac

God right, He puts in six solid days building this planet out of nothing – nothing! – with His own two massive Hands. And six days might not seem long to you, but it’s a thousand years to Him so you’d better be fucking grateful. Then right, He sees us jamming CO2 lolly-sticks into His divine air-conditioning system BUT He won’t give us any advice about how to stop fucking up his beloved planet unless we all ask Him simultaneously for an Hour. With friends like these, who needs Muslims eh?

Having listened to Mr Hussein Obamas speech in Turkey I no longer have any trust in him.His love of Islam sure has us all fooled about what America is trying to achieve in Afghanistan.Can we trust him to do the right thing when and if he has to confront Iran.I have suspected his credentials ever since he began his campaign to run for President,there were many stories about him that are now begining to ring true.

Tom mac

Rumbled. Just think, if he’s unscrupulous enough to dissemble his religion just so he can blow up Muslims in Pakistan instead of Iraq, he’s definitely capable of anything. Is there any force of supreme evil he won’t be in league with?

Having listened to Mr Hussein Obamas speech in Turkey I no longer have any trust in him.This lover of Islam sure has us all fooled about what America is trying to achieve in Afghanistan.Can we trust him to do the right thing with Korea,or will we find the answer by looking at the Muslim response to the Korean rocket launch?

Tom mac

Clearly not.

Thanks to Sam for finding this first one on an article about a man who lived with some pigs.

My son took a year out of his job as a furniture restorer to work on a small free range pig farm in northern Spain. He loved it and became a very adept piggy midwife. His favourite pig was “the Teaser” who had the unenviable job of checking whether the ladies were “ready” but he was not allowed to touch. However, Nick occasionally took pity on him. Before Nick left we had to dispose of his working clothes as the smell was permanent. Nick really came to appreciate these intelligent animals and it took him a long time before he could happily eat pork.
Linda Arnell, Chichester, West Sussex

I’ve read this a few times, trying to interpret it charitably, but I keep coming back to the conclusion that it’s an anecdote about a furniture restorer who became very stinky when he wanked off a sad pig.

Or maybe it’s a warning that pig spunk can put you off bacon.

Found this one lower down.

I am interested in how people can connect with an animal such as the pig and happily see it slaughtered at a very young age simply because they taste nice and not through any real need. Pigs are intelligent sentient animals, just like dogs, but we would be aghast at eating dogs. A lot of people seem to suffer from moral schizophrenia.
Brian, Clackmannanshire

Nah mate. We’re just waiting for all the veggies to die of malnutrition so we can enjoy our beagle burgers in peace.

I actually feel pangs of what could possibly be guilt when we post something by Illustrious Frisby. Compared to most of the hate-filled bilge seeping through the HYS columns, she’s actually a fairly pleasant character. She’s also grade-A bonkers, which I think makes me like her even more. Anyway, guilt is for people with a conscience, so fuck that. When asked what she thought about the government plans to sell off the sickly Royal Mail, she makes sure she covers all her bases. She worked there. So did her son (not at the same time). I think she’s allowed an opinion. But sometimes, one opinion isn’t enough.

I don’t know if it is a good idea because it’s a bit over-my-head this, but I do know that the postmen work very hard. I worked in a sorting office once, over 5-6 Christmases, before I retired and my son worked there too. Not at the same time. I cannot see beyond what the Government are planning but it is very sad that the Royal Mail are not making enough money; sometimes they are darn sight more reliable than computers – if the “network’s down” for instance.
IllustriousFrisby

Two days later, after forgetting where she put her handbag and taking the wrong dog home from the vets, she discovers an interesting debate on HYS. What’s this? They’re going to privatise the Royal mail?

No, I think it’s an awful idea. I’m very against it. And this Government is supposed to be listening to the people. What about when there is nothing left to privatise?
IllustriousFrisby

Don’t worry love, in a couple of days you’ll have forgotten you even worked there. Is that dog still trying to get out the back door? Why doesn’t he come when you call his name?

Holy crap now this is a magnificent brute. The Daily Mail has really outdone itself in horrific-foreign-beast scare-stories. It’s almost worth actually reading the thing. A 1.2m polychaete worm “covered in thousands of bristles which are capable of inflicting a sting resulting in permanent numbness” and who munches through rare coral like a hot knife through butter.

Its a pity they didnt call it Gordo”…after another worm…..but then it might have given him complex………there are after all worms you dont want to be named after.
Charles, London

To be honest Charles, I think you’re stretching it a bit with this one. Maybe work on your delivery too.

Can we let this worm be let loose on Nu Labour!
paul copus, Heathrow

No, Paul, it wouldn’t attack its own kind.
A J, Great Yarmouth, Norfolk

You two are such a brilliant double act, it’s almost worth reelecting a corrupt gang of inept, fake-left authoritarians just to provide you with material. Don’t shoot yourselves (and your beloved country) in the foot by being too funny!

I hope this is the next animal facing extinction
Valerie, Philadelphia

Sorry Valerie, I rang God, he faxed me the schedule, and it’s actually a hornet whose venom produces boring hallucinations, followed by the Honest British Bobby. I’m afraid this worm isn’t timetabled until 2056, right after the last Xhosa-Estonian interpreter dies in a waterskiing accident.

It’s gross, they should get rid of it permanently. What possible use is its existence? none, I suspect.
Sarah, Bournemouth

Thanks to Mr Tug for this one. As he says “I wonder what criteria you must meet to be deemed suitable to live in a coral reef in Sarah’s world? Obviously being massively rare and a bit creepy isn’t one of them.” And she’s clearly not thought too hard about the hijinks-potential of “permanent numbness”.

What can we do about Somali pirates? Remember that, due to a prolonged civil war, Somalia’s national government is essentially non-existent in any practical sense. So it can hardly say it’s too busy to tackle piracy, and is therefore actively supporting piracy by passively standing around being nothing. We clearly need to pull out the BIG guns, find LONG term solutions and take a HARD line on this, but, impotent in the face of political correctness, the spineless BBC is only letting through limp do-gooders’ suggestions to go soft on Somalians.

Hanging pirates and leaving their bodies on display in various seaway points seemed to do the trick last time we had this issue.

Tony Sweeting, Leicester, United Kingdom

DOES ANYONE HAVE A LARGER PENIS THAN TONY SWEETING?

Simple, draw a “line” in the sea and inform Somalia that ANY boat from there that crosses the line, will automatically be sunk.

Yes, this will be hard on the poor unfortunate fisherman, people of Somalia, etc. They have my full sympathy.

But we do not tolerate other states (e.g. North Korea) sponsoring terrorism or committing criminal behavior and we enforce actions/sanctions there without concern for the citizens, why should we do different for Somalia.

Michael Begley, Stockholm

Compromise might yield some short-term results Michael, but in the long term appeasement only makes us look weak.

Close their home ports. All of them. Then sink all of their vessels at sea or not.

Lou, Baltimore

Pussy.

So they’ve captured an American ship and a British ship?

Here is an idea, lets deploy a regiment of heavily armed SAS Troopers, a few dozen Royal Marine Commandos, a handful of Navy Seals and lets say an aircraft carrier, 3 dozen harriers and a nuclear submarine or two to the area.

Then, if they hijack our ships we should kill the lot of them and then pursue a policy of nuclear disarmament – by getting rid of our trident missiles by firing them at the pirate’s Somalian home ports.

Mark Randall, His own little world, United Kingdom

I know you mean well, but you can’t just mollycoddle pirates.