spEak You're bRanes

Thanks to Tommie: Is it selfish to have more than two children? Busy-wombed Kirstine Berry disagrees.

I have three children. I feel it is my duty to attempt to repopulate the World with intelligent individuals in an attempt to offset Mr Porritt’s stupidity. Idiocy-offsetting, kind of like carbon offsetting, just a little more immediate.

Kirstine Berry, Bracknell

It’s a good idea in theory, and the only thing that could possibly go wrong in practice is if your offspring pick up any of your personal characteristics or inherit any of your genes.

An old one from the thread when Wendy Richards died.

She wasnt what you would call a “great” actress, but could hold her own against many who were thought to be and was able to emote more than most actresses in soaps do in a lifetime.
She will be missed, but leaves a legacy of work that will long be fondly remembered.
[andie99uk]

Thanks for that.

It reminded me a bit of Jeremy Paxman desperately trying to dredge up a plausible opposing position and keep things “balanced” when he can blatantly see, along with everyone watching, that one of the guests in his “debate” is making some kind of sense while the other is talking freshly-squeezed horseshit.

Thanks to my namesake Alexander. Should prisoners have the right to vote?

I would say NO, they shouldn’t have the vote,but does it matter what I say or think, The European Court of Human Rights doesn’t care about my views otherwise they wouldn’t come out with this sort of ridiculous ruling

kevin ball, Plymouth- rejected by the mods for no reason, United Kingdom

It’s tragic really. Your opinions are so important and unambiguously expressed, the European Court of Human Rights would surely bow immediately to them if it only knew who you were, and then think what a beautiful place the world could be. But don’t go blaming the PC brigade or any of that nonsense. It’s just because you’ve not made a name for yourself. You should collect a cardboard box full of baby squirrels, set it on fire, and film yourself having boisterous sex with it while singing Barry White hits in a high-pitched squeaky voice. Then dress up as Bootsy Collins, turn yourself in to the police, and appeal your sentence all the way to Strasbourg. I guarantee they won’t ignore you after that.

Thanks to Tony. Love the last line of this one.

I believe the whole world system has to be regulated. If children don’t listen to the teacher the Principal has to step in. So be it some will be suspended and the others removed from the school. Most will be safe without them.

Hope some one is listening.
vibhu kapoor, bombay

Poor, innocent Vibhu is obviously new to HYS and isn’t (yet) convinced that Barack Obama, Jesus “Respawn” Christ and Gordon Brown are reading every word.

Thanks to Dave. Something about fox-hunting, not that you’d know.

I’m also fed up of animal rights groups being in charge of everything. They’ve taken over the supermarket, the petrol station, the council, the dog-track, the grocers, the butchers, the bakers, the candlestick-makers, they’re inside my computer and my coffee-grinder and they won’t stop or go away.

Will they never leave us alone!?

Freddy Flintoff, Somewhere up narth, United Kingdom

Just the other day I caught a couple in my noticeboard, pulling all the drawing pins out of pictures of animals. I’ve also found them a few times in my underpants drawer, confiscating the elastic. Oh, and remember! Always shake out your shoes before putting them on, in case animal rights groups have made their nest inside. They might be tiny, but they can deliver a powerful bite!

You know how to predict easter right? It is the weekend after the first full moon after the spring equinox.

And why is that? Because that was the timing of the pagan festival. Nothing to do with Christianity. Likewise Christmas (which corresponds to the winter solistice).
William, Manchester

Brilliant! Another victory for us atheists! I challenge anyone to maintain their faith in the face of this astounding revelation about dates.

Something about Parkinson bravely joining the Jade Goody circus (to tell us how bad the Jady Goody circus is).

Thank goodness we still have people like Parkinson who’s not afraid to say what most of us are thinking!
Nick, UK

I’m afraid, Nick, that most of us weren’t thinking about Jade at all. For future reference, I just did a quick and very scientific poll and can now tell you what people actually think:

1. “I hate my job” – 67%
2. “Ooh look! Tits!” – 13%
3. “What are we going to have for dinner tonight?” – 9%
4. “I’ve probably got cancer.” – 5%
5. “Reckon I can save this poo til I get home. Always nicer on your own bog” – 3%
6. “Must have a poo before I go home. Always nicer to use someone else’s bogroll.” – 2%
7. “I wonder if Jade Goody’s still dead?” – 1%

Trufax.

Thanks to Sam. “What message would you leave for God?”

I remarked to my mother, when the weather was awful, when it disrupted the country, that this was an act of God, and when it changed to being nice and sunny and the snow was gone I said to her that God felt guilty so he was giving us wonderfully spring-like weather. She agreed. My message to him would be please can good people live longer and please – if the snow was an act of God – can we have no more of it? Also less of the very elderly being treated badly in old people’s homes.
Catherine Cave (Illustrious Frisby)

And I’d be really grateful if you could see to it that Peter Mandelson contracts a completely new (and deadly) disease that cannot be cured but whose progress toward his black, evil heart can be halted as long as he eats two pounds of fresh polar bear shit every morning.

While you’re at it, I’d pay good money to watch him, sat atop the dwindling remains of the last melty iceberg, weeping (for himself of course) as he watches the last polar bear drown.

You’ve heard of NATO and you probably remember that “so ronely” chap from Team America so I reckon you’re about ready to launch your diplomatic career.

Now then, here’s an easy one to start off with. “What response to North Korea?”

The world reaction to North Korea’s provocation will be to do what it always does when tyrants provoke: speak loudly and carry a small stick.
Gary, Japan

You hear that Mr Obama? You can keep shouting all you like but nobody’s going to listen while you insist on carrying a ridiculously tiny stick. You look like Harry fucking Potter, waving that thing around.

GET A BIGGER STICK.

Japan, the US, South Korea and other concerned nations in the area should, of course, carefully watch any such launch and be prepared to deal with any erratic behavior–but they should be quiet about it. North Korea likes to seek attention, like a spoiled brat. It’s best to just ignore their proclamations and attention-seeking behavior. In other words, carry a big stick, but speak softly and close your ears. Constantly responding in angry tones to each NK action is counter-productive.
Derek Kelly, Aberdeen, United States

Now we’re getting somewhere. Soft-spoken but with a massive stick. I’m thinking maybe Yoda? He’s got a linguistic advantage too, as he speaks a bit foreign.

We have been too softly softly. now it’s time to use a big stick as these fools are just pushing the line too far …

The only way to win is to make them crumble from inside ….
[POLARIS69], Kent, United Kingdom

You’d need exactly the right kind of stick to make them crumble from the inside. So, while your idea is very good, to be honest you’re just restating the central question: “Which stick?”.

From military point of view “nuclear N Korea” is a fiddlestick – [... goes on for some time ...]
Anton Cheglov, Auckland, New Zealand

That’s the WRONG KIND OF STICK. Idiot.

hmmm.. carrots or sticks. North Koren’s want more carrots, yet use the biggest sticks in their arsenal in an atempt to get their
way.

Obama needs to tell KJ where to he can stick those carrots.
Tim Proctor

What do you mean “carrots or sticks”?? It’s fucking sticks alright???

You dick.

Jesus.

This reminds me of when adult smokers tell kids not to smoke. N. Korea’s being an immature punk, saying (with their action) “we’ll do what we wanna do”. The reality is, they shouldn’t have to explain, sure they can get away with it. But what do they actually have to say about it? Communications? We should send them a bag of balloons with a card that says “here, blow these up.” If they laugh at the joke, the courier gets to slap them in the face. This hand could be ugly, I say test them back.
Charles, Jersey City, NJ

Perhaps you’re right. We were getting a bit too obsessed with the sticks. We should send Inspector Clouseau to deliver a bomb disguised as a cake.

Thanks to Alex.

I like the sentiment here, but you do have to worry about someone who’s struggling to tell the difference between the “paedos who love our children” bogeyman and the “terrorists who hate our freedoms” bogeyman.

All of our children play outdoors – unaccompanied – and we live in London!!!!

Are we mad? Nope! Just not willing to wrap our kids up in cotton wool because of the occasional paedophile! Otherwise, it’s the paedophiles who have won.
[Nihilist_Materialist]

You need to spend a bit more time relaxing between opinions.