Outsiders and Permanently Bewildered05 May 2009 06:34 pm
By Alex
Thanks to Neil for this letter out of the Berwick Advertiser. A letter so incoherent and cartoonishly right-wing that even the respected journal publishing it couldn’t resist taking a pop.
I read somewhere that global temperatures will have risen five degrees by 2016. We clearly need to hang more deserts. Incidentally I saw ‘The Running Man’ last night. You should watch it Ian, you’d like it. Just make sure you switch off straight after Arnie dies because the ending’s really depressing.
76 Responses to “Deterring World Hunger”
Has Ian just been teleported from The Middle Ages? Perhaps his next letter will outline his genius plan to solve the ecological problem of over-use of water by suggesting we all crap out of the window.
I’m scared of Ian.
“This would be a good way of supermarkets to get rid of their rotten fruit and vegetables.”
“They say that in 40 years time, millions of people will be starving all over the world”
Does this not happen now? Big twat from Berwick.
A plaque, Ian? Who is going to pay for that Ian? Do you think plaque makers will do it for free? Are you advocating cheap forrin plaques? Are you Ian? ARE YOU? It’s the stocks for you Ian, you monstrous twatbasket
can someone transcribe it? It’s hurting my eyes to read
It says something along the lines of “I am a raving lunatic. Please adjust my medication forthwith.”
There you go. If I’m right.
yeh i cant read that, so ill just make a generic slur.
“yeh doesnt he know thats already been done/ would never happen, his idea is flawed at the basic level and whats more he sounds like a fool”
i hope that covers it
If you like prison so much, why don’t you go live there? Or possibly some other secure institution better suited to your particular condition.
Do people like Ian not realise that sometimes the reasons we don’t do things the way we did in the Middle Ages is because we’ve, you know… advanced since then? Not trying to be all ‘modern society is fantastic, we’re at the pinnacle of human accomplishment’, but the reason things changed wasn’t because everyone went ‘Things are working so fantastically, let’s just shake them up and replace everything with shit things!’ – things change FOR A REASON. Sometimes these reasons are bad, selfish, etc, but in the case of putting people in the stocks because they can’t find a job or hanging someone for selling weed down the pub? I think we stopped that because people like Ian were getting stuck with a priapism.
What a pile of unfiltered cuntgunge.
It’s okay; I don’t like ‘The Killers’ either. Apology fully accepted.
I’m a bit WTF today as well myself, must be all this talk of deterring world hunger through capital punishment. Ho hum.
Why don’t we just feed the rotting fruit to the starving folk?
SIR, – They say that in 40 years’ time, millions of people will be starving all over the world. So, why don’t politicians do something about it now?
Bring back capital punishment, why should decent law abiding citizens pay to keep thugs in prison, with computers, hi-fis, TVs, in fact all the comforts of home in their cells.
It is a disgrace that the thugs who kicked and beat a man with learning difficulties to death should have their sentences reduced. They should be strung up by the neck and left to dangle.
Capital punishment must be reinstated immediately and not just for murder.
It should include all acts of terrorism, whether resulting in death or not, -rape and drug dealing. Anyone serving imprisonment should lose all their civil rights until their release. After all, they have violated their victims’ human rights.
This way, we could bring back the stocks and anyone found guilty of violent crimes or vandalism, or able bodied persons who are workshy would be placed in them. This would be a good way of supermarkets to get rid of their rotten fruit and vegetables.
They could give them to the local councils, who could charge people a nominal fee to throw them at the persons in the stocks.
A plaque would be placed in front of each ???? informing everyone of why they were in the stocks. After the prisoners finished their period in the stocks they would have to clear up the mess, and if it meant getting down on their hands and knees and scrubbing the pavement. I am sure ??? vandalism and the need to bring in foreign ??? would be reduced.
However, I am certain that our government is too afraid of what other countries may do to even consider these changes.
IAN HANNAH
He ends:
Well, yeah, it would be a tad embarrassing on an international scale to be known as the country that went back to the dark ages on the say-so of a random single deluded right-wing lunatic and professional frothing busybody.
Nothing’s surer to get the able bodied workshy back into employment than throwing rotten fruit and veg at the cunts. Thank god he isn’t advocating the same treatment for the disabled workshy. That would be madness.
I saw something like this written on cell wall once, except it was written in human shit
Transcribethis – thanks.
He has a girl’s name as a surname
The best thing about this cunt is he thinks that the Berwick Advertiser is the best place to start his lunatic revolution. One shit town at a time yeah, no point going national just yet.
In fact
Maybe they’re just too afraid of the Berwick Advertisers rabid readership to venture too close to this landmark piece of backward thinking?
Why are they printing letters from this sort of Badger’s quim. He should be given a column of his own to spout of his mind boggling rightwing asshatedness. You couldn;t make it up… honestly.
It’s not all so bad – at least this twatbasket (thanks Bit Special, that one’s entered my everyday lexicon now) hasn’t discovered HYS, and is therefore subjecting only the readers of his local rag to his inane dribblings.
Either that or he’s simply too dim to use a computer.
Though on reflection, I notice that he sent in his comment by email. So scrap that last line.
Duh! If you really wanted to prevent hunger and fight overpopulation you’d have capital punishment for every crime EXCEPT murder. If you murdered more than ten people you could get a free rummage in the bins round the back of Tesco.
The three missing words from the transcript are:
1. bastards
2. fucking
3. cunts
“Capital punishment must be reinstated immediately and not just for murder. It should include all acts of terrorism, whether resulting in death or not”
Including taking photographs of policemen on duty, for example? BIT harsh, but hey, some of those camera flashes can be quite bright.
Imagine living your life in such a constant boiling froth of impotent rage, surely he’s due for a cerebral aneurysm or similar in the not too distant!! What do you suppose he does to relax? Wouldn’t it be sadly ironic if he headed down to the pub and had a forrin barkeeper sell him a pint of forrin lager before he bought a spliff off the local dealer just to help him quiet the multiple voices in his head.
Surely the answer is to feed the prisoners to the starving?
The added benefit of this is that as they are generally a bit short of exercise, there’s more to go around.
If we’re contemplating the twattery of people who write to local newspapers then try this effort:
http://www.thecnj.co.uk/camden/2009/043009/letters043009_05.html
Camden New Journal – LETTERS TO THE EDITOR
Published: 30 April 2009
This is no place for tall dark and dangerous trees
• OVER recent decades, there has been an obsession about planting and nurturing trees anywhere and everywhere.
This started following the devastation of the rain forests and, fair enough, much of that is an environmental tragedy.
However, the rain forests are in a continent at the heart of the equatorial tropics.
Britain is a little island in a maritime setting many latitudes north. We do not want more foul weather and lashings of rain, thanks.
I have a theory, though I hope to be proven wrong.
I believe that trees make it rain and the abundance of trees, spreading like triffids over this little isle, might be causing the torrential downpours and consequent flooding we have suffered in recent years.
Large trees have a place in woodland, or sparingly in open spaces where their natural shape can develop and be appreciated.
But not in our cities, thanks, where large trees are a menace, rooting up and obstructing pavements, shutting out sunlight, making our houses dark and gloomy and finally now crashing down almost fatally upon a lorry in Lyndhurst Road, NW3 (Driver hurt as tree falls into street, April 23).
Of course we need green areas in our cities.
But please let us have trees of modest size such as almond, cherry or apple, which are attractive, cheerful and low maintenance.
Maggie Milner
“Britain is a little island in a maritime setting”
An island in the sea. Brilliant.
She’s right though – I caught a bunch of yews (the trees, not the misspelled sheep) doing a raindance the other day. Sneaky buggers.
What about disabled people who are also workshy? Do they get off Scott free? Hm? Bloody politically-correct liberal do-gooders like Mr Hannah are the reason this country is going to hell in a micro-chip carton.
‘Almond, cherry or apple’. Some of these aren’t indigenous to England (not Britain)!!!eleventy!!!!
String ‘er up!
She’s right. Cherry trees are cheerful. one gave me a wave as i walked down cherry tree lane in mary poppins the other day.
OVER recent centuries, there has been an obsession about writing to anyone who will listen to whinge about whatever has occurred to halfwit spinsters over their morning cup of horlicks.
This started following the devastation of Middle Earth’s natural forest caused by that great nemesis of the Ents, the printing press and, fair enough, we do like to flick through Nuts and Zoo while evacuating our mighty oaky bowels.
However, with the advent of the compu-web toopointoh, we hoped that such mindless splurge could be avoided.
Middle Earth is a comparatively well-educated land in a faux-medieval fantasy setting many latitudes north. We do not want the confused garblings of Maggie Milner to interfere with our looking for nudie pictures of generic wank fodder, thanks.
I have a theory, though I hope to be proven wrong.
I believe that Maggie Milner causes AIDS and the abundance of Maggie Milners, spreading like AIDS over this mighty land, might have caused the loss of Freddie Mercury, and led to that long haired tosser playing guitar on Buckingham Place that we have suffered in recent years.
Maggie Milners have a place in retirement homes, or sparingly in stocks where their natural witheredness can be mocked and subjected to a barrage of fruits and vegetables, purchased from the local council for a nominal fee.
But not on the hyper-net onetoofree, thanks, where Maggie Milners are a menace, prattling on, slowing down and obstructing pavements, smelling like old people, and finally now crashing their local area networks almost fatally to the chagrin of their niece in the next room (Maggie Milner doesn’t know how to use the widewideweb, April 23).
Of course we need retards to poke fun at.
But please let us have retards such as Catherine Cave, Joy Pattinson or John Adair, which are attractive, cheerful and low maintenance.
Treebeard
@sm, it does seem as though whoeve rat the newspaper came up with the headline to this letter is having some fun taking the piss.
Headline – “This is no place for tall, dark and dangerous trees.”
I found a picture of Maggie!!
http://www.thecnj.co.uk/camden/2009/031909/news031909_04.html
That is hilarious, especially the paragraph at the end quoting “Sue de Nim”.
Fantastic.
If we’re going back to the Middle Ages, please let’s not do it by halves.
I mean the old lady who lives next door with the cat was definitely consorting with the Devil (pause to spit over left shoulder) and all his little imps during Beltane the other night.
Burn the witch! After a fair ducking, that is.
@Bitch Special (She says I’m quick-witted! YES!)
I think Bit Special is mixing you up with me – in a recent spat where I found myself inexplicably defending ‘The Killers’ (who I think are ok but hardly worth going to war over – they’re better than Girls Aloud anyhow) I referred to Bit Special as “Bit Ordinary” which I freely admit was a feeble effort and wholly unworthy.
Talking of lame, IE8 seems to think that this site looks better after a bit of MS tweaking. Either that or I’m wrong.
There’s something impressively cold and logical about the idea of killing people to solve the overpopulation problem. Doesn’t stop it being hilariously misguided.
You could call him and ask him to narrate the letter, here’s his number…(01289) 331947.
If there were no trees there could be no Berwick Advertiser and I’d be sad. A little light rain is a small price to pay.
I’m up for solving world hunger by eating prisoners. Do they taste different depending on the crime they’ve been convicted of? My Gran’s got a great recipe for Pan fried rapists with paedo croquettes on curried shoplifter cream.
I believe for every drop of rain that falls a flower grows. Maybe Maggie and I could be batshit patently-wrong spinsters together! Not in a gay way though.
If you point out the presence of HYS-types in your local media does that make you an Ass-whistleblower?
Just wondering like.
You’d be surprised how often letters page editors take the piss out of a letter with a sarky headline. ITV Teletext’s letters page used to do it all the time.
Why do you goad them, Mim, why?
@Rotwatcher – Christ, YES, they’re better than Girls Aloud. I didn’t think you were my lame-named nemesis, though. The quest for truth continues…
———–
As any fule kno, trees are part of that whole oxygen thang, which was fully necessary for human life last time I checked, but Maggie Milner is not just any old fool… or maybe just not human. Anyone remember that scary kids’ book called ‘Grinny’? Maggie Milner looks EXACTLY like how I imagined Grinny. And, in that article My Foot Hurts links to (cheers!), we see she has all the personality of Grinny too.
Grinny Milner hates trees and children; what does she like to do in her spare time (apart from writing bile-filled twatbasketry, that is) – shit on disabled kittens?
Is that the sequel to ‘2 Girls, 1 Cup’?
We won’t be laughing when Ian Hannah gets selected as the Conservative Party’s prospective parliamentary candidate for Berwick-on-Tweed I can see the ‘Where Ian Stands’ bit of the election leaflets now:
Overseas Aid: Ian Hannah pledges to hang every criminal in the UK and deliver their last meal to Africa, where it will be distributed to the starving. Not the idle starving of course. Only the deserving ones.
“many latitudes north”
How many latitudes north? And how many latitudes d’you get to the metre anyway? We need to know!11!!
I particularly love the way she correlates increasing rainfall with tree numbers that have been declining for several centuries as we build more roads and cities and shit – thereby drowning her twatish theory in its own logic.
That said, the first cedar in Camden to drop a large branch onto Maggie Milner gets a half-tonne of John Innes from me.
Moe, in that article My foot hurts linked to, she slags off mothers with buggies on buses for being the same women who drive around in 4×4s, ie selfish bitches. If they’ve got 4×4s, why the fuck are they getting on the bus, with all the hassle, shitness and weirdos that involves? Logic ain’t her strong point! Or having a soul, come to think of it.
@Bit Special: ‘Grinny Milner’ – love it!
Listen very carfefully; I will say this only once. Maggie Milner was a massive ‘Allo ‘Allo fan and has never forgiven a tree for caving in the head of that bloke wot played René in that big storm in 1990.
If I’m right.
Gordon Kaye, that’s him.
Ian Hannah’s letter is typical of the soft liberal agenda that is wringing the guts out of Britian’s former greatness. He should get back to his communist trombone-playing friends in er er er er Berwick. Upon Tweed. If I’m right. Or wrong. I for one certainly am.
Scarily, this fella is preaching to the converted by writing to the Berwick Advertiser. A couple of years ago I took some Norweigan visitors down to Berwick on a Saturday afternoon (they love a bit of history and all that). We were treated to the sight of a clearly deranged middle aged woman doing a sad, grotesque striptease in the centre of town. Worse, the locals were acting as if this was the best entertainment they had seen since the last witch was burned and were cheering her on. I was bloody mortified I tell ye.
I once saw a rat trying to climb over the medieval walls of Berwick and a local chap said “Even the bloody rats are scarpering!” I then wrote to the Berwick Advertiser suggesting we hang all rats for leaving the town. I’m now Conservative member for Tweedmouth East.
Pour encourager les auteurs perhaps?
Sorry. I’ll get my coat.
please can i be the one to tell maggie that it floods coz we chopped all the trees down ? please x
“rape and drug dealing”
What’s rape dealing?
Never mind all that: Arnie? Dies? At the end of The Running Man? Not in the version I saw he didn’t. He did wear a rather disturbing yellow leotard throughout though.
They faked his death for the viewing public though. I think that’s what Alex wanted to get across. If you stop watching at that point, thinking that Arnie was dead, buffoons like Ian will be happy.
If I’m right.
Ah, right. As you were then. In my defence it was 20 years ago. While simultaneously being 30 years in the future. Then, not now. I’ll get me coat.
Arnie died twenty years ago? So how come he’s elected President of the US in 2016? Don’t tell me we have to go back in the DeLorean again? Groan.
“…our government is too afraid of what other countries might think to even consider these changes.”
I for one don’t think our politicial leaders should be taking advice from an INFINITIVE SPLITTER!
If anyone deserves the noose, it is he, for crimes against English (not British).
All because Jessie Ventura refused to fight as well….he became a Governor too.
blockquote/Caroline
“rape and drug dealing”
What’s rape dealing? /endblockquote
The sale of hyper-yellow oil-bearing crops
And you can stick your block quotes up your blockquote arse /blockquote
It goes:
Poverty> Hanging> Prisons> human rights> the stocks> supermarket waste> local authority spending> dirty streets> foreign workers> interfering foreigners
True “stream of consciousness” fuck-wittery.
I hope Carl realises the enormous carbon footprint he is generating by eschewing locally-sourced condiments. He should be bottling and burying his own rectal gas as a CO2 offset.
This guy has really insulted my country. I should hijack a hang-glider and crash it into his nearest salad bar.
BUT NOWADAYS THAT WOULD MAKE ME A “TERRORIST”!!! YOU COULDN’T MAKE IT UP!!!
Arse.
Wrong thread.
Wot a twat.
Ian Hannah?
What a spanner!
Daryl Hannah?
Now you’re talking…
This is how I imagine mille looks:
http://media.photobucket.com/image/daryl%20hannah%20nurse/romeosredhead/Kill_Bill_1024.jpg
Pigfrottage you just made me laugh out loud.
I’m sad to say that the image isn’t wholly accurate, I recently had my hair cut short. But I am growing it again
Glad to be of service…
how do you do the smileys?
I only know
and 
on this DIY site. Lots more to chose from on Blah Your Brains but not as much action as here 
Oh yeah and 
“I believe that trees cause it to rain”
Bloody fool. The meteorological phenomenon brought about by trees is the wind.
They do it by waving their branches.
Pelting with fruit is too good for the twat.
D’you think this is the same Ian Hannah? http://www.berwick-advertiser.co.uk/news/Plea-for-Meals-on-Wheels.4501217.jp