spEak You're bRanes

Miscellaneous Prats05 May 2009 11:29 am

By Nelson

Thanks to Charlotte for this one about the Poet Laureate.

Unfortunately for Ms Duffy I have no taste for her poetry having had it forced upon me during my Highers. I do however retain a love of Shakespeare’s sonnets and the poetry of Burns. Such is my love of Burns that for a project, I rewrote Tam o’ Shanter with a modern day setting.
J Hill, Edinburgh

I know exactly how you feel. Sometimes the original version, brilliant though it is, starts to sound a bit dated.

I’m currently bringing Messiaen’s Turangalîla bang up to date with a bit of cod reggae and some heavy, heavy dubstep. Disadvantaged kids (from estates and suchlike) will love it. Bass pressure.

67 Responses to “Unfortunate For Ms Duffy”

on 05 May 2009 at 11:40 am NUCLEAR PENIS METAPHOR

And I’m sure Ms Duffy gives a massive fuck what someone with the family name Topping thinks.

As a resident of Ayr, the town plagued with being Burns’ home, I can honestly say she must be the only Scot who likes the fucker. Every yank tourist we get is convinced ther’re descended from him as well, gah.

If shes going to rewrite poetry she should rewrite Paradise Lost, setting it in 1930s New York.
on 05 May 2009 at 11:41 am Carol Anne

Fuck.
on 05 May 2009 at 11:43 am Robbie Burns

Fuck.
on 05 May 2009 at 11:44 am pigfrottage

I would set “the rime of the ancient mariner” in 1990s Harlem, with Spike Lee and Flava Flav from Public Enemy as the protaganists.
on 05 May 2009 at 11:45 am pigfrottage

Yes I know Spike Lee wasn’t in Public Enemy, and so do you. Read it the right way.

Yeeeah, boyeee!
on 05 May 2009 at 11:45 am Christ En Croute

Well, that’s settled then. They should have given the post to Shakespeare or Burns.

Has anyone accused it of being a decision motivated by political correctness? I really can’t face looking.
on 05 May 2009 at 12:13 pm jh

I rewrote Biker Grove for a modern day setting once, it went a bit like this…

“Excuse me, Sir, but I’m not too keen on Ms Duffy, can I read my reworking of Tam o’ Shanter to the class – I’ve masterfully translated it to a modern day setting?”

“We’ve already heard it Topping and it was a bag of squirrel shit, now just shut the fuck up and answer the questions on Duffy”

“…I’ll get my moment”

Then I realised that it was actually set in the past, but had been written in the present, and then I just got really confused.
on 05 May 2009 at 12:18 pm jh

Byker Grove
on 05 May 2009 at 12:26 pm Melliflouous

Yet again, John Cooper Clarke has been over looked in favour of appointing some bird who is probably a lesbian muslim immigrant liberal lefty…………. (etc etc repeat to fade)
on 05 May 2009 at 12:35 pm Mr Cat

It’s a real shame that people like Ronnie Barker, Pam Ayers and Benny Hill were not considered as Poet Laureate, back in the 1970s. Their kind of witty verse was exactly the kind of thing that was needed, 30 years ago, to stimulate an interest in poetry.
David Hazel, Fareham, UK
on 05 May 2009 at 12:46 pm Joe C

I bet she recites her poem under her breath while she’s mopping up at the supermarket. Everyone thinks she’s mad but she’s just an undiscovered genius! Or perhaps mad.
on 05 May 2009 at 12:46 pm Clovis Sangrail

Mr Cat – Can’t Ms Duffy (bound to be Ms – blimmin’ lefty) rewrite some of Benny Hill’s poems then? “Queenie – and she drove the blingingest coach in the west”. And then run around to yacketty sax with her knockers out. Probably.
on 05 May 2009 at 12:52 pm fucko the clown

I’ve found where HYS posters go on thier day off! http://petitions.number10.gov.uk

its a total goldmine! go to the list of petitions, sort by size, and look at the ones with the smallest votes.

real gems like -

commit the use of an adequate number of naval vessels to patrol the areas of seas and oceans where piracy is a threat to British registered vessels, and take appropriate action, using gunfire if necessary, to capture, sink, or disable the pirate vessels, with no regard for the wellbeing of the pirate crews, and to capture the crews alive if possible, provided that the safety of Navy vessels or personnel is not compromised. Mr DAVID ILOTT

increase the number of overnight banking windows to get out of credit crunch m s al-memani

Ban All Loudspeakers- Hasan Husayn

prohibit paedophiles from working self-employed. Dawn Wootton
on 05 May 2009 at 12:56 pm Clovis Sangrail

I may go sign Hasan Husayn’s petition. Was a bit confused by m s al-memani’s demand for more overweight banking widows until I realised that I have just drunk too much coffee.
on 05 May 2009 at 1:03 pm Rogue_Leader

12 months detention without trial if you know someone who’s a known criminal:

http://petitions.number10.gov.uk/detain-thugs/

Furthermore:

On being found guilty of the offence of carrying the weapon with the intention of using it as a deterrent/self defence/or view to using it to harm/threaten, then the person is deemed to have lost the privilege of having any ‘civil liberties’ with regard to any ‘benefits’ which are to be permenantly withdrawn. Any housing support they may have, for them and their family, is to be completely withdrawn should they re-offend post charge being upheld.

Smash the traitors! Smash their families!

Frightening.
on 05 May 2009 at 1:10 pm Melliflouous

I expect Pam Ayres would have delivered a searing piece of social commentary, in poem form, to express the angst of the nation in dealing with these issues. Either that or re-work “I wish I’d looked after me teeth”
on 05 May 2009 at 1:22 pm wringhim

“I rewrote Tam o’ Shanter with a modern day setting”

And, presumably, a baseball cap.
on 05 May 2009 at 1:30 pm coffeebucks

There’s a lot of over-enthusiastic punctuation in those petitions. Is there some kind of study on correct use of grammar and punctuation and its relation to being an insane HYS poster, Daily Mailer, or creating your own slightly fascist petition?
on 05 May 2009 at 1:31 pm gordo

lol, check out the rejected ones:

http://petitions.number10.gov.uk/list/rejected?sort=signers

a few gems in there.not many though. someone needs to expose HYS and the Daily Fail site to the petition site…….
on 05 May 2009 at 1:47 pm Throbbe

Matthew H Corbett! I hadn’t realised you could read failed petitions.

My favourite so far is the ‘Send the Statue of Nelson Mandela back where it belongs”

South Africa… Stautes in London should be reserved for British heroes and heroines. TO REJECT THIS PETITION AFTER IT HAD ALREADY BEEN PUBLISHED AND GAINED 133 SIGNATORIES IS NOTHING MORE THAN POLITICAL CORRECTNESS GONE MAD AND DEFINITELY UNDEMOCRATIC. THE PETITION WAS RAISED IN GOOD FAITH WITH NO MALICE INTENDED. IF YOU DON’T LIKE PEOPLES COMMENTS WHO ARE SIMPLY ABUSING THE SYSTEM JUST DELETE THEM AS YOU HAVE BEEN DOING SO.
on 05 May 2009 at 1:57 pm liberal intelligentsia

This is from the rejected pile:

We the undersigned petition the Prime Minister to stop the benifits to all those now trying to cross the channel daily.

More details continues:

following a rejection cannot see what words were difficult to understand I AM ENGLISH SO WROTE IN ENGLISH.!! I WROTE THAT ITS TIME TO OPERATE A CLOSED DOOR, AS REGARDS PAYMENTS TO ALL THOSE WHO ARE WAITING IN CALAIS TO GET THE CHANCE TO COME AND CLAIM BENIFITS. WE SPOKE WITH SOME LAST MONTH AND ALL SAY THE REASON THEY COME IS PURELY CASH AS WE GIVE THEM ALL THEY NEED . WHY ? SO PRIME MINISTER GET A GRIP AND CLOSE THIS LOOP HOLE WE AS A COUNTRY CANNOT AFFORD MORE IMMIGRANTS, AND PAY BIG EXPENSES TO ALL THE MPS AS WELL. LIVE WITHIN YOUR MEANS LIKE YOU EXPECT OTHERS TO DO EVEN PENSIONERS DONT GET EACH WEEK WHAT YOU WANT A DAY .

The reason give for rejection:

It contained wording that is impossible to understand
on 05 May 2009 at 2:05 pm Blench.

One of the best.

‘We the undersigned petition the Prime Minister to Leonid Komeliagin.

Submitted by Leonid Komeliagin of Family of invalids.’

Also check out any of Teresa Wright’s petitions. Classics include:
‘Ban Mosques in Britain’
and
‘England will never submit to sharia law’
on 05 May 2009 at 2:16 pm Mr Cat

Absolute genius

We the undersigned petition the Prime Minister to Prime minister

UK, US AND IRANIAN TERORIST GOVERNMENT MIN CONTROL AND ELECTROMAGNETIC TORTUREER

Submitted by MUHAMED TAHANI of N/A

Why was that rejected?

Petition Rejected
This petition has been rejected because:

It contained wording that is impossible to understand

ahhhh – ok.
on 05 May 2009 at 2:23 pm Blench.

It’s like shooting fish in a barrel.
(I can’t do block quotes.)

‘We the undersigned petition the Prime Minister to send any muslim who disagree’s with the goverment straight back home.’

‘We the undersigned petition the Prime Minister to Send the unworking imergrants home.’

‘We the undersigned petition the Prime Minister to Hwa Chi Lin pose a threat to India, Indonesia, FiJi Island, Philippine, Australia, Pakistan, Malaysia, & Russia !!, Need to Verify His Internal Heart Value !!.’

‘We the undersigned petition the Prime Minister to THIS IS A MAIL THAT MAKES ME LOOK DOWN ON UK GOVERMENT AND COUNTRY !!!!!’
on 05 May 2009 at 2:33 pm Felna

Personally I like this one:

http://petitions.number10.gov.uk/justgonow/

We the undersigned petition the Prime Minister to just go now.

Submitted by Guido Fawkes of The Gunpowder Plotters

and the reason why it was rejected?

This petition has been rejected because:

It contained party political material
Additional information about this rejection:
This has been rejected on the grounds of including Party political material. It also relates to an ongoing criminal investigation.

What? The gunpowder plot? Thought they got the guy (no pun intended) who did it!
on 05 May 2009 at 2:39 pm outragedofbelmarsh

I for one am very disappointed that Kirsty didn’t post her updated version of the Burns poem on HYS. It’s raining today and I need something to cheer me up…
on 05 May 2009 at 2:48 pm Clovis Sangrail

Well, I think we all need to Verify Our Internal Heart Value every now and then. If I’m right.
on 05 May 2009 at 2:59 pm Bored Lyron

@ outragedofbelmarsh

Have mine:

To the pub he did go
And got well pissed
Then got on his horse
Though he nearly missed.

Through spooky night
He rode a bit
Then saw some warlocks
And a witch, well fit

Who would have got him
But for his nag
Who lost a tail
When she lost the hag

Serves him right though, the lecherous pisshead.

A much shorter version than Burns’ and therefore better.
on 05 May 2009 at 3:08 pm Liar

http://petitions.number10.gov.uk/ban-DHMO/

Nobody likes a smartarse Simon. It’s your own time you’re wasting.
on 05 May 2009 at 3:09 pm Fishfood

We the undersigned petition the Prime Minister to Send Dog Mess fiends Catapulting into the North Sea. More details

Submitted by Rich Price

More details from petition creator:
Many of society’s ills can be traced to the inconsiderate behaviour of dog owners towards their neighbours. I propose some sort of act of horrific public vengeance, like catapulting them into the north sea. I am willing to compromise on the catapult, but reckon Sky could film it, you know like victimcam.
Petition Rejected
on 05 May 2009 at 3:13 pm Rod Wrongnob

We the undersigned petition the Prime Minister to ban the widespread use of the dangerous chemical dihydrogen monoxide (DHMO).

Fuck off.
on 05 May 2009 at 3:22 pm Chris

One of my favourite petitions:

We the undersigned petition the prime minister to PRISONS

I quite like the directness and brevity of this chap. I think he could be a good Prime Ministerial advisor. “Good morning Prime Minister. SCHOOLS.”
“Ah, good morning Prime Minister, CIVIL SERVICE REFORM.”
on 05 May 2009 at 3:25 pm Red Andy

I love the ones that petition the PM to “stop rejecting our petitions!” as if Gordon himself sits there in front of his computer every evening, personally checking out all the petitions that the Great British Halfwit has posted on the Internet that day.
on 05 May 2009 at 3:39 pm fucko the clown

The most popular is the petition for gordon to resign with 50,000 votes, I wonder if he will respond in person to that one!
on 05 May 2009 at 3:43 pm Mal

We the undersigned petition the Prime Minister to make a State Funeral compulsory for a serving Prime Minister

Oh, go on Gordon we all want to see if you can get out of the coffin before they bury you.
on 05 May 2009 at 3:44 pm fucko the clown

i’m tempted to start one to get Gordo to fist hazel Bleers in parliment – not sure it will get that many votes though
on 05 May 2009 at 3:52 pm Liar

This is outside the powers of the Government apparently.

“This is a petition to ensure that the Prime Minister completes a pole vaulting session with Elton John in the quest for greatness and to realise gay rights”

If Gordon can’t organise a pole-vaulting contest with Elton John then what chance has he got of fixing all the money stuff and the knifecrime?!
on 05 May 2009 at 4:00 pm The Witch from Next Door

I’m slightly spooked that I am as we speak listening to Messiaen’s Turangalîla Symphony. This fuels my suspicion that somewhere there is a website dedicated to eviscerating everything I say in the way that this site commentates on HYS…
on 05 May 2009 at 4:03 pm Ugly Newt

Fortunately, being stupid enough to submit some of those petitions means they’re unable to read the instructions. So the petition can be rejected on a technicality without a moderator having to spend time addressing the facepalm within.

http://petitions.number10.gov.uk/rougeleg/

“Those migrants that are not British citizens should rightly pay for their childrens education. A free for all is unsustainable and will help to reduce the burden upon council tax payers.”

…rejected for incomplete name information (”Paul”).
on 05 May 2009 at 4:23 pm Hitler's Penis

I think it’s very very bad that YOU IRRESPONSIBLE IMIGRENT BASTARDS have taken this off topic to look at the brainless cockfestering shitepile that is the No 10 Sad Losers Petition Your Arse site. You should all apologize to nice Mr Nelson, who was trying to talk about the new Poet Laureate. Nick Griffin would have stayed on topic. Bless.

Seeing as we have gone offtopic though can I just point out that the HYS taster or prodder or flasher or whatever the fuck it’s called (hmm sounds a bit pedo – memo, burn own house down later) on the News front page currently says this:

HAVE YOUR SAY

Should people be barred from the UK?

I think we may safely assume that the answer is “yes”. I for one am. Assuming that, I mean. If I’m right.

Twatbasket.
on 05 May 2009 at 4:25 pm Hitler's Penis

Oh my giddy aunt, or giddy Goebbels rather:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/theeditors/2009/05/fixing_have_your_say_fault.html#comments

Hahahahahahahahahahaha. Sheesh.
on 05 May 2009 at 4:39 pm Moley

Does the BBC out-source HYS to Pakistan or Iraq,I ask this as it seems to me the moderators dont like to print anything that criticises Muslims,it is ok to criticise Christians,on this they have no problems printing the vilest of comments.
-wxwtcher
on 05 May 2009 at 4:44 pm Hitler's Penis

Meanwhile, back at the topic…

The Poet Laureate position appears to have become a tool in the quest for ‘moderism’.

There’s an *incredible* amount of shit in that thread but this one … I love it. Moderism, ah moderism: thank you, Helen from Bangor, thank you thank you. I can now get the swine flu and die happy. Oh and while I’m at it:

I had to study here 7 years ago for GCSE

What, in Bangor? Oh never mind.

Fish.
Barrel.
Lock and load.
on 05 May 2009 at 4:45 pm Gobbler the Oral Sex Alsatian

Woof woof
Slurp slurp
Carol Ann Duffy?
Wuff wuff wuffy!
on 05 May 2009 at 4:51 pm Hitler's Penis

Does the BBC out-source HYS to Pakistan or Iraq

What a FUCKING BRILLIANT idea! wxwtcher=genius.

it is ok to criticise Christians,on this they have no problems printing the vilest of comments.

Yes, wxwtcher, it’s a forgiving religion and it turns the other cheek. It’s in the manual. I’ve seen it. Now if you wanted to get all uppity when someone smears your vision of God you should have joined one of them immigrent ones that gets all arsey. As you obviously didn’t, it’s too late now, so shut the fuck up, you whingeing dildo. I disrespect you, like, maximally – put that in your slippers and smoke them.
on 05 May 2009 at 4:54 pm The Idle Johnson

The UK is rightly proud of it’s tradition of allowing freedom of speech and it’s only right that this freedom is protected by preventing its abuse. The published list contains several people who have clearly indicated or already demonstrated their disregard for others appearing to be willing to promote their views regardless of consequence. On this occasion, well done to the government.
Wyndham Clampett, East Barnet, UK

Any chance of having a Name Of The Week competition? I nominate Wyndham.
on 05 May 2009 at 4:57 pm The Idle Johnson

Weyhey, look who can do block fucking quotes!!

Stick that up your Burns Kirsty Fucking Toppyerself!!!
on 05 May 2009 at 5:04 pm The Idle Johnson

I second this petition:

We the undersigned petition the Prime Minister to Peter Church.

Submitted by Peter Church

I also propose that the Prime Minister Roger the Vicar.
on 05 May 2009 at 5:15 pm Mal

I’ve tried the Poet Laureate position with my partner on several occasions but found it unsatisfactory as I failed to achieve ‘modernism’ each time.
on 05 May 2009 at 5:16 pm Bitch Special (Quick-Witted)

Soz.
on 05 May 2009 at 5:42 pm Bit Special

‘Bitch Special’? HAHAHAHAHAHAH! Ha. Ha.

Ha.

God, that was hilarious when you first did it months ago when all I did was say I didn’t like The Killers, but it’s EXTRA funny now you’re keeping it up. Some would say it was petty, tragic and pointless, but it’s clear to me you’re a comic genius. Or an asswhistle. I can’t decide which.

Anyway, I’m all WTF today because by random chance, I found out this afternoon that I share a mutual friend with Alex. Weirdness. Well, if everyone else can go off topic…
on 05 May 2009 at 5:49 pm funny peculiar

We the undersigned petition the Prime Minister that it should be illegal for a Lezzer to be made Poet Laureate. It’s just Political Correctness gone Mad. Pam Ayres has been repeatedly passed over for the post and now this rug muncher swans into the job without having written anything the undersigned have read. Although, to be fair, the undersigned aren’t big fans of poetry if were honest, but that’s beside the point, we pay our licence fee and have a right to be heard.
on 05 May 2009 at 5:53 pm Joe C

That failed petitions site has really got me down. I thought HYS was bad, but this is something else. There’s no dates shown, but you can tell when they were posted because half of them echo whatever the Sun had on the front page that day, along with the general anti-Islamic background noise.

The ones I like best though are those that petition the Prime Minister to their own name, which marks them down as a special sort of idiot.
on 05 May 2009 at 6:15 pm unworking imergrant

i’m tempted to start one to get Gordo to fist hazel Bleers in parliment

Other way round would be far more entertaining. Moicrois.
on 05 May 2009 at 6:30 pm Schroduck

We the undersigned petition the Prime Minister to ban the tv licence fee and make it a persons own choice if they want to watch bbc. Submitted by m.thorley

I know, it’s such a pain when Gordon Brown comes over, straps me in a chair and forces me to watch EastEnders against my will, and then I have to pay him £120 for the privilege, the prick!

We the undersigned petition the Prime Minister to stop school for people who dnt want o go. Submitted by steven shepherd of student

More info: it is a liberty a right liberty to be forced to go to school help stop it now

This petition was rejected on grounds that “It contained wording that is impossible to understand”. Yeah…
on 05 May 2009 at 7:28 pm alephnaught

Back to the original post of an ecocene age previously. I *can* easily imagine a modern version of Tam ‘o Shanter, though not as Ms Topping imagines: in this version HYS is the witches’ coven…
on 05 May 2009 at 8:40 pm King Emily

‘Unfortunately for Ms Duffy…’????
on 05 May 2009 at 9:54 pm Bernie Issue

“We the undersigned petition the Prime Minister to sing “We’re Going To Hang Out The Washing On The Siegfried Line” through a megaphone while standing in a barrel of custard outside the Houses of Parliament. More details

Submitted by Tez Burke of Gun-totin’ Badgers for Jesus

Petition Rejected

This petition has been rejected because:

* It was outside the remit or powers of the Prime Minister and Government”

What? Gordon Clown and NuLieBore are physically incapable of enjoying a good ol’ patriotic knees up? That should seal his resignation on its own
on 05 May 2009 at 10:28 pm One Trick Cyclist

MacBeth : for the attention span challenged modern day teenagers so very accurately depicted in any edition of The Daily Heil

That was the life
of Mac the Knife.

Ancient Sheikh Speer could bring yet more Islamic subversion to the class room. Why oh why aren’t more ancient texts written big up for de yoof.
on 06 May 2009 at 7:55 am one of the eds

Other way round would be far more entertaining. Moicrois.

Gordo should fist Parliment in Hazel?

Don’t be ridiculous
on 06 May 2009 at 8:53 am Dolly's evil nemesis

Unfortunately for Ms Duffy

King Emily is right. That line is really the _sheer_essence_ of HYS. My word, yes it IS unfortunate for an eminent poet that some titarse with a keyboard doesn’t like her work. She probably cries herself to sleep worrying about it … “oh, oh, if only I could get through to Kirsty Topping; it makes everything else in my career seem so shallow and pointless … crikey yes it is indeed unfortunate that Kirsty has no taste for my poetry etc etc blah blah blah”

Sheesh.

Absolutely classic stuff. You couldn’t make it up and I for one wouldn’t try. If I’m right.
on 06 May 2009 at 9:59 am Steve

Dear Gordo please make Robert Burns poet laureate and read out one of his poems at PMQs.

This petition was rejected on grounds that “It contained wording that is impossible to understand”.
on 06 May 2009 at 10:07 am Clovis Sangrail

“We the undersigned petition the Prime Minister to make the birthday of me(Craig Coppack) a nationbal holiday” submitted by Craig Coppack. Worth a try eh Craig?
on 06 May 2009 at 10:35 am john Adair's Gerbil

http://petitions.number10.gov.uk/list/rejected?sort=signers

My god, it’s where insanity goes to take drugs.
on 06 May 2009 at 12:42 pm unworking imergrant

Wonder if Nelson pulled any strings to get his brother this cushy blogging job?
on 06 May 2009 at 3:32 pm Suicidal-Jihad-Lightning-Terrorist Man

guido falkes is a publisher of a website, he is also either a politition or jerno. hes a rate cunt either way. so no wonder his was turned down. hes being investigated for various shinanigans

also, we should start a petition to make HYS the new parlement of England ™ and get them making laws.

then when they screw up we punish them with their own sugestions. its a winner and will quite frankly be a laff
on 08 May 2009 at 7:35 am Dolly's evil nemesis

J’accuse!!!

Turangalîla

I accuse Nelson of being a member of the liberal educated elite. Note in particular the “î”. That’s very very suspicious. I bet he has a pair of spectacles too, talks foreign, and has some books.

Your sort mate. Come the day.

Fist. Air. Right on.

"If you love Syria so much..
why don't you go live there?"

67 Responses to “Unfortunate For Ms Duffy”

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spEak You're bRanes

"If you love Syria so much.. why don't you go live there?"

67 Responses to “Unfortunate For Ms Duffy”

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"If you love Syria so much..
why don't you go live there?"