Delusions of Grandeur06 May 2009 12:53 pm
By Nelson
Thanks to Tom for this one from a Times article about some bloke who’s been denied entry to the UK.
I am putting myself on the list. I will never travel to the UK, and will boycott all British Products except salad creme. The beacon of light that was Britannia has gone out.
Carl Alfonse Mueller, Los Angeles, California, United States of America
Like we give a fuck. We got nuff salad cream, bumbaclart.
111 Responses to “Beacon of Condiment”
piss take
We only just have enough English (not British) Salad Cream to supply ourselves so don’t think you’re going to get any.
I bet this bumwipe isn’t complaining about assorted Muslim types being denied access to the UK…
Salad Creme? Sounds forrin to me. Burn the man-witch!
I wonder if he even knows where Britland is.
Americans only know about London England (spoken as one word) and Scotland (which is somewhere in England).
In retaliation to Mr Mueller I am now going to boycott all Fruit Corner yoghurts, except the cherry ones.
he’s not boycotting French though is he. Creme de salade indeed. It’s salad CREAM you forrin.
Sorry Black Lesbian In A WheelChair – channelled you a bit there
Is “salad creme” perhaps a euphemism? Maybe he’s going to be limiting his investments in Britain to our world famous, fine-quality oatmeal, royal-seal-and-tartan-on-the-box, traditional since 1682, bukkake productions.
It does have to be said that Savage is a colossal coypu’s clacker though.
Tossed Salade Crème?
Beacon of Condiment? Isn’t that the title of the next James Bond film?
Mueller? Sounds a bit German to me…
Salad tosser.
No. Harry Potter.
Was the bloke being denied entry to the UK the same as this bloke petitioning the government for a Visa?
http://petitions.number10.gov.uk/sanctu-s-ary/
You can’t escape the matrix by moving countries Leon
Salad cream is the Fanta of condiments.
Salad cream is Nazi-friendly? I feel better for loathing it so violently.
“Leon J Frank”.
Rhyming slang.
Trufax.
Is ‘beacon of light’ rhyming slang as well?
Carl Alfonse is rhyming slang round our way.
This is what hilarious and witty haha shock-jock Michael Savage (you couldn’t make it up! hahah) hahhaa thinks of England(not Britain):
I think the reason he’s banned is because of his superior sense of humour.
Or because he is an unwelcome, racist, badger-slit.
… “Michael Savage (you couldn’t make it up!!)” …
well actually he DID make it up – his real name is something else, so interesting that I’ve forgotten what it is.
ye gods.. his real name is michael weiner. do with it what you will…
There is little I can add to this except a probable failed blockquote.
Listen Weiner you ignorant shitbox, have a go at the muslims all you like, but when you have a pop at my dentist you have crossed the fucking line sonny. His name is Colin, and he will destroy you.
Wasn’t there only one city in the matrix, presumably if you made it as far as the cotswolds, you’d have been alright.
Everything Michael Weiner knows about Britain he knows from ‘Austin Powers’. Sciencefact.
“Americans only know about London England (spoken as one word) and Scotland (which is somewhere in England).”
Freddy,
I think you might be referring to “Scothland” or if you wish to pronounce it “prerperlee” as in the Queen’s English it would be ‘Skirtland”
No surprise, I remember back 15 or so years you turn on BBC you were able to see Iris nationalists talking but Uk were not allowing voices to play.
Jim Wang, New York
wasnt wang (and weiner) american for cock.
Weiner is not American for cock – Wiener is American for cock.
Weiner is German for Wheelwright, or Yiddish for Wine Merchant. It would be pronounced like ‘whiner’, which seems pretty appropriate for a guy whose job appears to be to spend three hours a day on the radio moaning about imigrunts, gays, muslims and how doctors aren’t using vitamin C to cure AIDS like he suggested.
Anyway, we were right to subdue those evil Iris nationalists, trying to use violence to carve out a separate state for a bunch of upstart flowers. Worse than the bloody triffids they were. Good job they couldn’t speak, or our news programmes would have been filled with anti-fauna propaganda. I still reckon they got to Prince Charles you know.
I thought Morrissey, leader of The Gladioli Separatists, sorted out those Iris Nationalists back in the 80s…
Look, it’s late, alright?
Which he commemorated with his song “Iris Blood – English Heart”.
Iris blood everywhere there was…
Ah yes, that was after he launched his “Get trees out of Camden” campaign with Sheila Take A Bough.
I am so sorry. I hate myself a little bit more.
it must be fucking confusing for the right wing fascists and internet Hitler’s, ‘a country has a right to protect its borders but its 1984 all over again! Jacqui Smith is right and she is wrong, I don’t know what to think! I think I’m going to explode.’
Also why do Yanks have such a problem with English Cuisine, what they don’t like eating fries, burgers, Heinz beans and southern fried chicken. Is KFC too foreign for them is McDonalds a bit too shite for them, can‘t they be bothered with trying something at Burger King? Hold on that’s all your crap cuisine!
Bit Special and Throbbe – thanks for the awful puns; cheered me up no end. Pity the forrun in my office doesn’t get them, DESPITE me explaining them for AGES, chiz chiz
Turns out fish in batter was invented by the Japanese, chips by the Belgians. Next you’ll be telling me Chicken Tikka Massala is forrin…
You couldn’t make it up…
It’s a ZaNuLiarBore plot, that’s what it is, pigfrottage, trying to get us all eating forrin muck. But we’ll never give in to their vile and wrong forrin cuisine, will we? Now let’s go for a pizza and some ice-cream. Yum Yum!
(I once met someone who was eating pizza whilst ranting proudly about never having eating aforementioned ‘forrin muck’ in his life. SIGH)
@Clovis: don’t encourage me – my appalling puns are all too well-known in *real life*
Erm, can’t really think of one, ‘Peat is Murder?’, ‘Magnolia on the Guillotine.’ Well I tried.
I for one am heartily glad that Bliar’s usually-spineless goverment has for once stood up for once to these evil muslim communist american pedo shock-jock trombone-playing ghurhkha jewish geordie berwick swine for once! I vilify him with all the might of my eschewed eruditoin. Stay home “Mr Savage” we all say, with your salad cream and your Carol Duffy books and your disgusting relationship with Mr Umlautless Mueller! I discard you!
Fact.
From the wit and wisdom of the many fine comments on the same story in “The Murdochs”:
Fist amendment, gddit?
No, no NO NO please NO!
Must.
Not.
Shoot.
Fish.
In.
Barrels.
I for one will certainly eschew it.
(Proud to be English.)
Bit Special.
It’s worse than you think. All our english words for food are french. Animal names are english, food names are french.
It’s a conspiracy I tell you. Next you’ll tell me spuds came from America.
More tinfoil on the hat please…
@pigfrottage – AND English is a form of ancient Norwegian! I think Gob-on Clown went back in a timemachine and made it thus just so we’d all speak forrin the future. You couldn’t make it up!
I seem to have used up my weekly kilo of tinfoil, can I cadge a bit off you? Perhaps a tricorn does use up a lot, but heyho. PS Ooh, get me with me ‘thus’!
Fucksticks! There were paragraphs in there, but I’m doing this from my (shit) phone.
What all english(not british)words for food are french, what even chicken kievs or Ginsters steak & onion slice?
Turkey Twizzlers must be forrin. Probably, er, Turkish!
I am curious as to why he thinks this is happening. It sounds a tedious enterprise to undertake without a cause. Makes me wonder exactly what he means when he uses the word ‘legitimate.’ For some reason, the phrase “It was totally within my right to kill those hookers and feed them to my dog!” springs to mind.
It also seems the AAG, despite their power, are not good at being secretive.
How do you know!?
And Morrissey and the gladioli separatists marched and sang:
“A rush and a push and the land that we grow on is ours,”
Badum shhh
Thanks Jenny!
Gingsters is clearly a German word.
Ich bin ein Gingster. Meine Mutter spielt Gingster-Posaune. Ich bin am Wochende in Gingsters gefahren, um meine Posaune in einem Konzert zu spielen.
See? You have to keep an eye on these bastards, they’re everywhere. Eternal vigilance people, eternal vigilance.
poo I meant Wochenende. All that eschewed eruditoin waisted in one spert of incompetence. Tsk. Bloody trombonists.
I haven’t been able to eschew erudition since I got my new teeth.
Bloody English (not British, or European, or Northern Hemispherean) dentists.
All of them: sauerkraut, frankfurters, pie, pasties, cheese…
are secretly french garlic-sodden, beret-wearing, cheese-eating surrender monkeys. If I’m right.
Without the rancid hot-air of HYS to inflate our sails, SYB is lolling in the doldrums.
What the fuck can be wrong with their Rant-a-Thon website? It’s a week now. I suspect a sinister crtyo-Stalinist plot…
Plot Phase One: Give all right-wing loonies a place to vent and rant and rage (ie HYS) until they are utterly addicted to it.
Plot Phase Two: Switch it off. Thereby causing aforementioned loonies to spontaneously detonate with supressed, furious, impotent rage.
Darn You Joseph McBrown, you fiend! Darn you to heck!
Ah, right. As you were then. In my defence it was 20 years ago. While simultaneously being 30 years in the future. Then, not now. I’ll get me coat.
Cock. Wrong thread. As you were. Again.
You posted in the wrong era, eh Halibut… a rookie time-traveller’s mistake. You wanted SYB in 2029 by the look of it.
TRAITOR, TRAITOR! How dare you accuse the good old English (not Britain, not Europe etc etc)Pie of being a dirty smelly back stabbing frog, how dare you! The Pie single-handedly won the battle of the Nile and was extremely vital in the successful evacuation of Dunkirk.
I thought Ginster’s was Cornish. Mind you, Kernow is basically forrin (or wants to be).
@Jenny – THANK YOU so much for ‘badum ssh’! I’ve been trying to work out how to write that sound effect for ages.
@Bit Special:
Cornish nationalism can be ignored, for the simple reason that “Cornwall (not England (not Britain (not EU)))” has too many brackets in to be taken seriously.
Another hilariously deadpan HYS update has been posted. They seem to be playing a kind of brinksmanship with the HYS hordes, promising a fix, an update, a slightly gnawed bone, ‘early next week’ or ‘as soon as possible’, then waiting until they get all mouthfrothy again by waiting JUST too long before providing a further update. It’s like repeatedly kicking a skinned kitten corpse across the floor just out of reach of a starved, maddened, chained-up status dog.
“UPDATE, 10:40, Wednesday, 6 May: I want to give you an update on the current problems with Have Your Say. We have been using the existing software since October 2005 and in that time it has hosted more than 6,000 debates – which has meant the publication, without fear or favour, of about six million comments across a wide range of topics and political perspectives.
But like all systems it’s not infallible. The engineers are still working on the problems – it is proving very tough to isolate the cause of the outage, but we expect to have much clearer info about the situation soon, and I will obviously update you on that as soon as I can.
I’d also like to thank you for the comments about the functionality Have Your Say offers and the moderation processes we use – they have been extremely interesting to read and reflect much of what HYS users have already told us directly about the system.”
You can see how carefully calibrated it is to mollify, then enrage, the white-dogs of HYS. I particularly like the passive-aggressive, self-congratulatory, provocative reference to their “without fear or favour” moderating and how carefully they’ve considered the comments abou “the moderation processes we’ve used”.
By the way – 6 MILLION comments since 2005. S I X M I L L I O N . A never-ending stream of electronic vomitus. Can we collate them and send them pulsing out into space in all directions as a warning to sentient forrin life forms to steer well the fuck clear of this spitball of a planet?
It’s The People’s Socialist Republic of Kernow (EU(not England)) I’ll have you know and we will not be ignored even if it is a bit of a mouthful.
Basically the short version of the update is:
“The cesspool is full to overflowing. We’re not sure where to find another vat big enough to hold your faecal mentalisms. You look nice today, have you had your hair done?”
I don’t think Ginsters are Cornish, they just do Cornish Pasties….I think their, Ginsters that is, Sausage Rolls smell of arse do you think that’s there special ingredient ?
Ginsters’ head office is actually in Melton Mowbray. It’s true – I’ve just looked it up at Companies House.
Yes, I’m afraid I AM that bored today.
Methinks you are all missing a rather important point here. The Truth is clearly visible for those who choose to see it.
well I’ll be a monkeys uncle, they are from cornwall. Still doesn’t say anything about their sausage rolls smelling of arse though.
isn’t Salad cream Heinz anyway, and isn’t that from the land of the free- to eat ten burgers a day?
cum substitute
Melton Mowbray? Melton Goverment Consipracy Central more like! WAKE UP ENLGAND before its too late!
PS I helped paint a warehouse ready for Gingsters to move into. In Bristol. In the 1970s. Fact. It could explain a thing or two.
PPS They are still German trombonists, whatever you Socialists say.
Having said that, the Ginsters factory is only just across the Tamar. Only slightly cornish. My cornish missus spits out the window when we drive past.
Happy times.
Salad cream is made by loads of different companies now. All varieties are high in fat and unpleasant chemicals, which is why it tastes so rich.
A really bad sandwich concept is salad cream, nutella and herring.
I have in my head a disturbing picture of Topsy and Joy and John A all mailing each other complaining about the loss of their complaining forum and how this would never have happened were it not for the EU / NuLiarBore / Forrins / delete as applicable whilst secretly weeping that they can’t air their views on the interwebs. Is this the equivalent of flashing but for even more deranged folk??
That’s cos MRM, besides eyelids,nostrils and bellybuttons, also contains anuses. (ani?)
“A really bad sandwich concept is salad cream, nutella and herring”
Only if you use margarine and not butter
From today’s HYS discussion on ID cards:
“The ID scheme is further evidence that Labour madness continues, spreading political correctness, government intrusion and decay in British standards. Looking forward to the next election to end this destruction of a once Great Britain.
Michael Rees-Evans, Bideford, Devon UK (not Cornwall)”
Even given the normal twisted thinking of a HYSer, can anyone figure out how the issue of ID cards is the fault of the PC Brigade??
From the “Fixing the Have Your Say fault” thread.
You heard it here first, folks. Effort and research.
@Grov:
Englandrise has got a point. Remembering to maintain a festering, irrational sense of injustice and rage at the same time as typing must be hard work for the nation’s disembrained.
Your Phase Two contains errors. The real Phase Two is…
Plot Phase Two: Switch it off. Their rage becomes so uncontrolled that the senders of those SIX MILLION (gulp!) posts predictably take to the streets aggressively brandishing keyboards and twirling mice like maces, smashing windows, etc.
Plot Phase Three: As civil order breaks down Zanu Labour rushes a series of emergency powers through the commons and with these new powers unveils…
Plot Phase Four: DA DA DAAAA, DA-DA DAAA, DA-DA DAAA. The Za-New British Empire! Brown takes to wearing flowing black robes and a full face-mask with a heavy breathing attachment. The Queen (actually a robotic drone secretly built by Clive Sinclair) is crowned Empress and can fart blue lightening. The protestors and any opposition are utterly slaughtered by millions of cloned Labour Party Members secretly reared in vats on the NHS. Their domination will be complete.
Or will it?… One small band of rebel posters huddle in the bombed-out remains of The Daily Mail biulding, guarding the secrets of The Posters Alliance, waiting for The One they call… Little John.
C’mon, own up – who posted this gem in response to the ‘fixing the HYS fault’ statement? It’s too HYS-tastic to be real (surely?):
We are then told:
No mention of his medication being upped, though. Strange.
PS who the fuck is Randal S?! His imaginary glovepuppet friend/spunkrag?
I initially read “outage” as “outrage”. Now, if we could isolate the cause of THAT, we might discover a cure for HYS.
But Boxy Brown takes even my breath away. What must it be like to believe HYS is full of lefties?
Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
This thing does cheer me up sometimes. I hate to admit it it but, God, yes it does.
I’m confused – as an adolescent Trotskyite here in my echo chamber, what should my views be on obesity in the USA? For or against? Help me Boxy Brown, help me.
RESEARCH? MORE LIKE REARSEARCH AHAHAHAHAHAHA.
(they search their arses and pull our shit, see.)
Nobody believes that, the point is – if topsy turvy is a hardline trot, what or who is right wing?
The sad part is they think this earth shatteringly clever, when of course, it is merely shat.
It’s all very well, but I am not sure about the margarine/butter quotient of the sandwich. My impression was that the salad cream in the sandwich was to replace the need for butter and/or margarine. Add marmite and marmalade into the mix and you have the makings of a truly vile sandwich, however many marshmallows you add.
Internet explorer 8 renders this page in a weird font until you post, and then it is back to how it should be. I blame Bill Gates for ruining my SYB high…
You mean you didn’t keep a copy as evidence of government tampering with the published version? Fucking amateurs.
Wow, Mr Spoon has got really bitter and paranoid since his show was cancelled!
What do we pay our licence fee for, eh Leo?!?
Oh no no no no no no no no no please tell me this is a spoof. They want a DISK with ALL THEIR HYS comments on? Hahahahahahaha unbelievable. I am actually in danger of becoming quite unwell over this.
The scary thing is, they probably have under their bed a large sack with all their used tissues since 1998. In the bathroom, a nice wicker basket contains all the toilet paper they’ve ever used. Downstairs in the kitchen, masked and gloved council staff are trying, very carefully, to shift a stinking mountain of cat food tins which is currently blocking the access to the back garden, in which there are 63 fridges and 496 shopping trollies.
“a disc with my comments on here since 2006″? Man, this just gets better and better.
If I’m right.
I recommend getting your fix via Firefox instead.
One can overdose on the self-regarding vomit these idiots spew. That final line – “watching you”. Nasty, very. Bet he glared at the screen, pointed at his eyes and stabbed his fingers threateningly at the cursor before he posted it too.
millie,
I would but Clint Eastwood nicked it.
Thieving bastard. Perhaps an Operatic high instead?
millie,
Whilst I am not a fan of Mr Gates, I find the ubiquity of Microsoft a comfort. Linux and other open source are a good idea to me in principle but will never be as widely adopted. It has always paid for me to make the microsoft stuff work rather than faff about with the competition. That said, microsoft seem very keen to keep shooting themselves in the foot. Office 2007 is a prime example. As is Vista. SQl 2008 licensing looks like a badger’s rectum too. Hey ho.
That LeoRoverman is one of the bestest comments ever!
Perfect imagery too.
I love the fact that these people feel their comments are worthy and that the BBC is honour-bound to store them for them. Do they go over them on cold winters evenings to chuckle at their own witless outpourings?
I can imagine that Leo is looking forward to old age when he can wistfully re-read his youthful outpourings of bile to his grandchildren, despite a net acheivement of nothing – with the bitter smugness akin to a recently castrated dog rediscovering that it can lick its own parts but … alas to no avail.
The real losers on this loss of archives are us! How can we now trawl someones history for more laughable banality?
“Do they go over them on cold winters evenings to chuckle at their own witless outpourings?”
Doesn’t everybody do that?
I am myself a big fan of Bill Gates. OK so he’s a bit of a business bully, but those smouldering looks, that pulsating sex appeal, how could any girl/gay bloke/bi-person not succumb?
ps I forgot come-to-bed eyes.
Did you mean Scotchland?
Note to self: don’t click on links that open up a pic of Bill Gates trying to look sexy when you’ve just had your lunch.
In IE, go to the “Tools” menu, select “Internet Options”, and in the dialog that this brings up choose “Advanced”. Scroll down the list of options until you get to “Browsing”. Look for an option titled “Stop being such a shit piece of software and start doing what I want rather than existing solely to protect Microsoft’s illegal monopoly”. Then install Firefox.
However, I would not have known of the existence of the word “bumbaclart” if it were not for this site. The urban dictionary is a bit scary. It’s not the fact that it happens, but that it happens so often there’s a name for it…
Name the film that that was bastardised from…
dirigible,
I would, but Clint nicked it.
Boxy Brown? The Duke of New York? A#1?
This is Randal S – http://www.bview.co.uk/app/frontend/UserProfile?id=BXNB48MkvOg20Rrg6fp_ES6w
Not only is he a sad weirdo, he’s a total fuckin’ idiot. He’s been there 3 years and still not worked out that all his posts ARE filed and kept in an online opened by clicking on his Membership Name.
Humungous Twat
online… file … opened
How could HYS possibly not use reams of expensive disk space backing up the vitally important opinions of their contributors for future generations?
Just checked out “bumbaclart” in the urban dictionary. Well I never. When I learnt about CBT at nursing school they never once mentioned penis/testicle teasing/torturing.
I think CBT should be included as part of the SYB BSc.
hhahahahah, the hys has lost the members old posts! anyone else feel happy? overjoyed? giddy? touching cloth? no?! just me then.
They lost old HYS posts? Well,the BBC are a public service organisation after all.