Thanks to Tegid for this one from the Rugby Observer. It’s a work of tweedy genius.
TOO LONG BETWEEN COLLECTIONS
While I welcomed the council finally collecting my recycling bin this week, the question remains why it took the council nearly a month between the end of red box collections and the start of the blue bin collections.
The result was a massibe overflow of recyclables at my house – mainly bottles. I am an alcoholic, for my sins, so get through dozens of bottles every week. I do my best to be ‘green’ and religously recycle all I can. When my red box was full I regularly drove to Tesco to recycle the bottles. Unfortunately, on returning from one recyclng trip I was pulled over by the police and breathalysed.
Due to my illness I tested positive and subsequently lost my licence. So now I have no option but to rely on the council to collect my bottles.
By the time my blue bin was emptied I had enough empty bottles to refill it straight away.
Goodness knows how many more bottles I shall accumulate by the time the bin gets emptied again in a fortnight’s time.
So come on the council, help us save the planet.
Kenneth Bubb
Address Supplied
It works best if you imagine it in the voice of Toad of Toad Hall.
40 Responses to “Goodness Knows”
The Toad of Toad Hall comment is spot on. This guy has too much class to be outoftakepissed here; more than any of us pathetic armchair stand-ups who comment here.
Calls himself an alcoholic and drinks out of glass bottles. Bloody sissy. Down our way it’s 2L plastic bottles of cider or cans of Tennents Super – that’s proper alcoholism, that is.
Plus much more compact and don’t alert the neighbours with the clinking… or so I’m told.
I know an alkie who drinks wine, out of bottles n everything. Presumably because that makes it all acceptable and posh. Even when he’s gone yellow and ended up in hospital again.
True alcoholism is drinking Buckfast, hidden inside a Farmfoods carrier bag – nobody will ever suspect you have a drinking problem.
Speak for yourself, T of T H. I’m reet classy, me.
Let me get this straight; it’s the council’s fault he’s a pisshead and gets through so many empties that he decides to ride his bike whilst ‘under the influence’ and promptly gets done by the fuzz? It’s the nanny state gone mad, I tells ye!
Or maybe he should get one of those magic refillable brown paper bags favored by his more, how you say, “homeless” colleagues.
…I was very, very drunk.
It’s a spoof comment. He’s taking the piss.
@Keith, I agree, but done well
Anyway, let’s parse the verb:
I drink socially
You are the life and soul of the party
He is a degenerate wino
@ Bit Special
‘Recycling trip’, not ‘cycling trip’, but can you imagine him cycling precariously to Tesco with carrier bags full of dozens of bottles? I can and it’s brilliant.
I don’t get it.
What this letter to the Rugby Observer is a joke?
He is Mister Bubb though, so I’m not having it.
@keith – I agree, I thought so too. But then I thought – why would anyone bother? It’s a free paper, so no-one reads it (except me, apparently).Why not at least send it to the “proper” local rag?
I prefer to think that there’s someone out there who feels that in the midst of struggling with alcoholism (or the empties, at least) and losing his driving licence, his biggest concern is the frequency of recycling collections.
Actually, I really prefer to think that I’m the president of the world, but that’s one for a different thread…
So when has the local council been a collection service for alkies?
I like to collect all of my empties, build a pyramid and then topple it out of the window onto passing schoolkids. I’ve also built a replica of the Enterprise on our roof and had a collection of bottles and cans shown in the local art gallery under the conceptual title ‘The Soul of Man Destroyed By The Nanny State and Political Correctness Gone Mad’
He’s talking total rubbish. The red bins were still being collected for that period. Either that, or Rugby Borough Council made a special effort to collect mine.
Probably too pissed to read the leaflets from the council.
Mind you, when I read that letter I did consider sending it in to SYB myself. He might as well have written “I’m an alcoholic anteater’s anus”.
> “He’s talking total rubbish. The red bins were still being collected for that period. Either that, or Rugby Borough Council made a special effort to collect mine.”
… or not to collect Bubb’s.
@SJG – Ha! I really thought it said cycling! That’s what I get for reading SYB on my shitty phone screen. On the laptop now so can realise my mistake. It’s gotta be a wind-up written by someone who thinks they’ve created a really clever way to argue a point about bin collections. I can’t bear the idea that it’s totally for-real.
“So come on the council” is a dead giveaway.
There is a vaguely reasonable point in there: the council should do more to accommodate people who get through a lot of recyclables. It’s also nice that he’s trying to live a green life alongside his drinking habit.
What I find fascinating though, is that he admits that he has a problem, but doesn’t seem to understand that his problem is a problem. Especially when it comes to getting pissed up and driving a car full of suspicious-looking bottles to the supermarket.
That’s so eloquently put. I’ve just fallen out with a friend who’s an alcoholic in exactly that kind of way. I’m sad but my liver’s relieved.
I’d have more respect for him if he said “I lost my license because I was driving my car under the influence of a drug”. Illness my arse.
What’s the difference between a drunk and an alcoholic?
About 70 grand a year.
How does he get his bottles home now that he can’t drive?
Hmm. Alcoholism is a legitimate illness but not one that exempts you from drink-driving laws given that those exist to prevent hideous death. That seems pretty straightforward to me.
Our blue bin has a small sub-bin for glass. It isn’t big enough. Maybe I should be feeling more put-upon?
It’s fantastic how blasé he is about it. “Unfortunately, due to my illness, I knocked down and killed several pedestrians on the way home and subsequently I’m no longer allowed to take my recycling to Tesco.”
I smash my glass bottles. Maybe it’s an optical illusion, but they seem to take up remarkably less space in the bin that way.
I don’t drink and use massive communal recycling bins, so I have triple the lack of sympathy for Rear Admiral Kenneth Jolly-Drunk-Driver-Bubb (if he’s genuine, that is).
Fucking drunk.
As in he is a, not the activity of fucking drunk, which trickier than people say.
I think this mans biggest problem isn’t alcoholism its getting things into fucking perspective. Anyone who considers drink driving to be a non-issue but is deeply suspicious about council incompotence needs to be drowned in a vat of ammaretto and lime.
The fucker.
See, I almost like Bubb. If he’d shown a shred of remorse over the drink-driving thing I’d broadly agree with his letter, and I’d feel nothing but pity for his alcoholism. All it would take would be a passing acknowledgement that he’d done something wrong by getting behind the wheel. But as it is, I find myself despising him. He’s a slug’s slit, assuming slugs actually have genitalia, which I’m a little hazy on.
If they’re anything like these horny snails I reckon they have.
I could’ve forgiven Goebbels all the gassing and genocide and killing his own kids that, but then I read somewhere that he used to occassionally drink and drive and, well, that’s unforgiveable, isn’t it?
That last comment has confused me quite a lot.
by the way, the tiny and utterly adorable clipart of a house next to the home thing at the top looks a cunt. x
Allow me to translate:
“A thing is not bad if it can be demonstrated that something exists that is much worse.”
It’s the basis of much of what passes for debate on HYS.
Mass debate.
I read it as satirising other comments in this thread in a way that made no sense. Then my head exploded.
Well, I read it as him saying he could forgive Goebbels for his part in the Holocaust. Clearly with such moral fiber “St Tim Onious” wins the internets.
And a a year’s supply of Zyklon B, delivered through his letterbox.
I felt that he was mocking us for thinking that drink driving is worse than alcoholism. Which it is. So he’s an arse. I assumed the Goebbels love was hyperbole, although I’m less sure about that now.
Ha! You’re all wrong! I win the internet! I was highlighting the level of self-righteosuness that Drink Driving stirs. It is the No1 pet hate on HYS, more universally loathed than immigrunts even. While it is a bad thing, their rage is disproportionate.
And if you highlight their slightly over-zealous reaction to DD, they perform a lycanthropic change and hurl themselves at the bars with unleashed rage.
St. Tim Onious,
To win the internet you need to privide some context. Otherwise you win nowt. Sorry.
All your base are belong to me.
Ah. I see. I am appallingly self-righteous about drink driving myself, so I didn’t realise you meant HYS. Good to know they hate something more than immigrunts, anyway.
St Tim Onious
If that’s how you ‘highlight’ the sanctimony of disliking the sort of idiots who endanger everyone by driving pissed, I’m not surprised that even normally rabid HYSers react.
And surely that makes you a HYSer yourself? I’m afraid you have lost the internets by default. Still, the Zyklon B is on it’s way, as a consolation.