Thanks to Poppy. From an article about workplace benefits.
It is not only totally wrong to steal stationery form your employer just as much as it would be wrong to steal from any other source. Theft is theft no matter what criteria you offer as any explanation, however when I asked if I could buy \ pay for the use of photocopy paper the boss laughed and thought I was being awkward, it was an easier and less embarrassing option to go the the stationers and purchase paper direct from that source and leave with a clear un-tarnished conscience.
Frances Lawrence, Chobham, Woking, Surrey, England
I had a very similar experience buying cutlery from Pizza Hut. I mean, you try and do the right thing, and they look at you like you’ve just flopped your cock out and asked them to draw a picture of a rollerskating dog on it.
Got my cutlery from Argos in the end.
41 Responses to “Frances is Untarnished”
If I could put Frances right on one vital legal point: It is perfectly lawful to keep any office products you remove from your place of work *providing* you sell them at a Car Boot Sale within 14 days.
That is all.
In my experience, Argos is no more understanding than Pizza Hut when it comes to rollerskating dogs.
I like how he seems to have forgotten what he was saying halfway through the first sentence. I wonder what he planned to do with the ‘not only.’
Also, ‘Frances Lawrence Chobham Woking Surrey’ sounds slightly dirty.
Grov, Frances is a lady. Francis would be a ‘he’.
I find it rather sad when people put all their effort into learning which statione/ary is which, and no effort into normal social interaction.
On the other hand I just read that comment with a mental red pen at the ready and am spending my free morning on the internet.
Anyone for a game of online scrabble?
To be fair I laugh at Frances every time she speaks to me. Not because I think she’s being awkward, but because she’s a rambling scoper jamrag who won’t stop hitting people with her umbrella.
Frances might have bought her own paper, but the bloody thief still took the toner and the electricity used to make the copy, didn’t she…? DISGUSTING.
The comparison is entirely accurate. I made 16 grand nicking stationery from my employees last year, so clearly they are all scum.
Just yesterday I was round at my parents and they offered me a cup of tea, but when I offered them monetary payment in exchange for it, they first thought I was joking, then were actually offended. In the end I had to go to Starbucks.
Should’ve stolen it, Frances.
Dear Frances,
As I can see you are a person of great moral clarity please answer me this: I once took a paper-clip from work for my own personal use, will I be going to Hell?
Thanks,
Rose
I think Frances will only be happy when the government reinstates antiquated laws of punishment so that small children can be hung for scrumping* a single apple, etc. Or grown-adults for absent-mindedly going home with a biro from work in their pocket or bag. String ‘em up, eh, Frances?
But she’s not mentioned all that oxygen she breathes in, all day, every day, does she? Bet she didn’t ask permission to take THAT, did she? Hypocrite! String ‘er up!
*Although they probably don’t scrump anymore. Unless there’s an orchard scene in KnifeCrime 3 for the X-Box. It weren’t like this in my day, mutter, mutter.
Bit Special – that gives us a modern dilemma.
If there is indeed an orchard scene in said “video game” or whatever kids call em these days, can we still say “it were all fields when I were a lad/ss” ?
Thst point sounded so much better before I typed it.
Bah. I am a llama’s love truncheon.
@Ceannair – sad thing is that you have things arse about face. Where there were once orchards, there are now fields, or in some cases housing estates, because it became financially impossible for British farmers to grow orchard fruit. Which is a shame, since there’s nothing as nice as a fresh British Worcester Pearmain, grown by British (not English) farmers, and nothing as nasty as a forrin Golden Disgusting.
O fuck. We’re not allowed to be serious, are we? Bollocks.
I bet MPs get all the photocopying they want, gratis. And free fax calls so they can send copies of their genitals to each other. It’s an outrage!
Fish, that is why they’re called MEMBERS of Parliament!
Even I hate that one!
Fucking work slave!
Why do I just KNOW that Frances is a total swampdonkey?
And this from a feminist. Sista ain’t representin’, tho’.
I hope Frances was on a work break when she posted her holier-than-thou comment.
She’s quite clearly an aadvark’s mingepiece. Stealing office supplies is not a crime, it’s a duty, though you should think about slowing down once you have amassed enough CDs to construct the mirror for your new 100″ astronomical telescope.
What about the toner!?!? That thieving bitch.
Stealing office supplies is basically just compensation for having to work in an office. Everybody does it so it’s ok.
In that sense it’s analogous to wife-beating.
(Frances, are you single and available?)
@ Fish – I’m now trying to work out the logistics of getting ones genitalia through a fax machine. Might try after lunch.
If I’m not back in a hour or so, someone call the fire brigade.
I did say copies of their genitalia. Although I didn’t, to be fair, specify what material they’d be made out of. Genetic engineering FTW?
Ignore my comment. I just found a paperclip in my bag and a photocopy of my bum from when I was drunk at the office party. Can’t say much more, the instruments of torture (staplers) that I stole from the boss won’t go through my hands them selves! Bye!
Vicky – all red pens are absolutely mental.
Apologies for the obviousness of this, but Frances stole 30 seconds of my life when I read her post. Nelson is an accessory to the crime.
Transportation to Botany Bay seems an appropriate punishment in this instance.
Being self-employed, do my seventeen daily wank-breaks count as theft? And if so, from who?
Oh, I know that look so well. I’m more of a badger-playing-Kerplunk enthusiast though.
As to Frances, BEFORE YOU JUDGE HER, note that she doesn’t say she did any photocopying – she just wanted some paper.
The mental.
My dad still hasn’t got over the injustice of being formally cautioned at work for taking a pencil home in 1959. I think something snapped in him that day because when we came along (many years later), he was always coming home with carriers full of paper, pens, notebooks, etc. He even nabbed electronics and furniture that was going to be replaced. He did it quite openly too (although he does look like a Ukranian hitman*, which helps shut folk up). Top bloke.
*I look like my mum, before you ask.
Being self-employed, do my seventeen daily wank-breaks count as theft? And if so, from who?
Just think of it as “cash in hand”, as it were.
I wanted some fancy glass from Pizza Express. I offered good, hard earned currency for it. The serving chap looked at me like i’d called his mother a donkey’s muck stick. So i nicked it and laughed all the way home. I broke it and cut myself two days later. Justice was served. Fact
It started out as paper clips and the odd photocopy of my nutsack. It ended up as death-by-cop at the Ilfracombe branch of Pizza Hut.
I’ve not tried the death-by-cop at PizzaHut, is it like death-by-chocolate?
Fish,
Why did you leave Marillion?
Frances, we’re on the same level. After taking a shit at work I wait until I get home to wipe my arse because I don’t want to use paper I haven’t paid for.
Archie you are using office water and the machanism for flushing.
Hold it in your pants man!
Don’t you realise you are using valuable office space by leaving it in your pants? Why not eat all biproducts? Then you’re also gaining your own energy rather than stealing it. And while your at it. GET AN OXYGEN TANK AND STOP STEALING OUR OXYGEN! WHAT? YOU DON’T HAVE ONE? AND CAN’T GET ONE? WELL, JUST HOLD YOUR BREATH WHENEVER YOU LEAVE THE HOUSE! God, the nerve.
I like biscuits.
@Francis:
One of my good mates is a bloke by the name of Gladys. Another took his wife’s name when they married. I’m not good at judging that sort of thing anymore.
Er… I mean…
It’s all forrin names anyway, they should have proper ENGLISH names. And anyway if she’s a girl person why does she have a job? It’s political correctness gone mad!
You got it the wrong way round Grov, that makes your judgement more valid, not less.
Of course, posting to HYS from work is stealing your employers’ time & internets. Start clearing your desk, Frances.
Fortunately my workplace has a “reasonable use” clause in the contract (you can use the internet for personal stuff, but don’t take the piss), but HYS would be automatically excluded from that for obvious reasons.