Thanks to Rob. Unusually for the internet, someone’s angry about MPs’ expenses.
Jericoa wrote:
All we need isJoanna Lumley dressed as oliver Cromwell to deliver his famous speech when he dismissed parliament
A battle re-enactment society in full English civil war dress
A regiment of retired Gurkhas
An internet petition
A date sometime in the summer
Financial backing
A couple of famous rock bandsNext thing you know a lot of people are converging on parliament in the first instance then buckingham palace in the second instance to petition the Queen to use her powers to disolve parliament.
It could be done if people stop winging about it on here and do something about it. I have already tried to contact abattle re-enactment socisty and Rahere has kindly provided a list of influential people who may be interested in organising a re-enactment of 1643.
We get a lot of unconvincing sarky pisstakes submitted and at first I thought this was one, but by the end Jericoa actually seems to be serious. A look through further posts reveals a bit of a one-track mind, with further suggestions such as:
We could issue medals to all those willing to participate.
But then I read this:
Unfortunately I have to report I have failed in pursuading a 17th century Cromwellian battle re-enacment society to march on Westminster, then read out the roll of dishonour as sugested in post 17 followed by Cromwells famous speech when he kicked out the corrupt parlaiment ‘no longer can you be allowed to defile this sacred place’ etc.
They expressed a great deal of sympathy for the cause and gave a long list of reasons why they could not.
I felt so bad for Jericoa I decided to help. I’ve already got £160 out of the bank and bought some stick-on warts for Joanna. But I’ve been having trouble booking a band. For instance Bob Geldof didn’t consider “dissolving Parliament” a good enough cause and George Clinton told me he’d done it already in 1980. Courtney Love was very rude to me when I asked to speak to Kurt, NONE of Gorillaz are answering their mobiles and when I mentioned expenses to Bono he put me through to his tax adviser. BUT Paul McCartney said he’d ring John and get back to me, so as soon as we hear from him we’re good to go.
Oh, and Coldplay are on board of course.
42 Responses to “All We Need”
Surely The Levellers would want in on a bit of Civil War re-enactment shit?
I don’t think Jericoa getting a date sometime in the summer is very likely.
I’m here all week…
Oh yeah, Oliver Cromwell and a civil war – that’s all we fucking need…
Chair > laughing > fall > off.
The way his post is structured suggests that he feels the keystone of this whole half-witted revolutionary plan is the battle re-enactors.
Unquestionably, our nation’s rulers will be brought to their knees by a group of HR managers from the West Midlands (a disproportionate number of whom are called Alan) kitted out in ill-fitting tunics made from recycled spunk-crusted curtains.
The George Clinton bit nearly caused a tea/keyboard incident. Thanks for that.
I shall believe that this is a committed pisstake because otherwise I’ll have to cry. I realise that I do this with about 75% of HYS posts but it’s the best way.
@Bit Special: The Levellers would never sink to support Cromwell and I suspect Jericoa isn’t up for founding a Digger colony, which is a bit of a shame.
From comment 464:
Anyway, let’s have some New Model Army as well. I liked them. Proper tunes with proper angry shouting, not like the rubbish you get nowadays.
Yessss….
I am very interested in this “motorcycle dressed as a Ghurkha” idea. You’d think the handlebars would get in the way and everything but, dammit, it’s a fine fine idea. All it needs is some cash and frankly I (for one) am very tempted to send some now, just to see how it goes. And then we come to “poped his head” – what can this possibly mean? Like, pope my head, man. Or did he mean “pooped his head”? That could almost work too, if I’m right.
So much weirdness, so little time. Jericoa is the new Carole Anne Dufay of, er, prose. I salute him, her, or them. And now I am off to pope my head.
I see “for medical reasons” and I assume “because my therapist says it’s better than killing more prostitutes”.
What if there was a revolution and nobody came?
I never thought the Revolution would look like a Fat Les video.
And quite surprised that Ye Sealed Knotte are really an underground Maoist paramilitary organization – but only on free Bank Holiday weekends (understandable really when there is double geography to teach on Tuesday and the Volvo to get serviced).
It’s truly a learning experience coming here.
What can this possibly mean? How appalling this man’s affliction must be, if the cure is to spout shite all over the interweb every day. Is this the sort of alternative-leftie-PCGoneMad nonsense you get on the NHS these days. In which case why did I just get bedsores and MRSA?
He must be on BUPA.
Oh adorable, he thinks an internet petition will make a difference! I want to tickle him under his chin now!
In every re-enactment group there is one person who’s considered so anal about the whole thing that he’s shunned by his peers. I bet Jericoa is this guy, and is using this as an excuse to try and get into another re-enactment group ever since he was kicked out of his last one for deriding the bloke with the van’s costume ‘cos he’s an 1648 rifleman with trim on his jacket in a style that wasn’t used till 1649…
Damn, I wanted to get in there first
with the New Model Army reference that is
In my attempt to blockquote, I have deleted everything between the symbols
Or am I the first to invent invisible blockquotes?
To be fair to the poor guy, I currently spout this much shite on the Internet mainly because my GP’s response to my current major depressive episode was to tell me to “stop wallowing”. That said, I don’t choose to do said shitespouting on HYS and I like to believe that that’s a significant difference.
I wanted to mention the new Model Army too. Never mind. Did anyone else get a BNP leaflet through their door at the end of last week? Chilled me to the bone, and made me giggle at the same time….
Fortunately, said leaflets are highly flammable and make the most excellent firelighters. Very thoughtful of them, nicht wahr?
PS. Best not used for Reichstags or books though.
To pope the head: Putting a large (usually bright orange) cone shape on the head. Usually done by people in a state of enebriation.
As an aside the Army have a nickname for people who join re-enactment societies: “Walts” as in Walter Mitty.
It’s worse than we thought. I just contacted Blur and the Gorillaz to put in a good word for you and they’re refusing to appear on stage together. How selfish can you get?
@pigfrottage
I feel left out that I haven’t got my BNP leaflet yet. It’s been a bit chilly recently and my hamster likes the warmth of impotent hatred in his bedding.
I’m sure they’ll eventually deliver it this week at the crack of dawn like usual. Nothing like engaging with the electorate, eh?
This fella’s history of comments paints a sorry tale. If you delve far enough back, he makes some relatively normal comments. But at some point he seems to have cracked, and spent several weeks furiously scribbling with chalk on a huge blackboard until finally he has his Eureka moment:
On a similar theme but a different subject BBC news quotes 4 per thousand infected may die from Swine flu.
What is wrong with saying 1 in 250?
Or is it the case that in an office like mine where about 250 people work you can actually visualise what that means.
I wish the media and governmental organisations of all kinds would stop relying on number blindness among the population to keep us all in the dark.
For goodness sake! what does it take to divide 1000 by 4?? Why report it as 4 deaths per thousand in that way professor fergusson of the WHO ??
Why????
Why dont the BBC do the math for him?
He is so pleased with discovery that he broadcasts it evangelically in several further posts. I bet he had a wank over it too.
Deaths per thousand’s a standard unit for ease of comparison. Cheering innit?
I only got the one on pig flu. I’m sure the BNP one must’ve been far more entertaining…
Word is that Lumley is out, this week, as leader of the coup and that its now Esther Rantzen.
The revolution eats its own.
Fuck me, how bad has it got that Joanna Lumley in drag is our only salvation!
Mind you, I’ll support that and join a re-enactment group and dress up as a gurkha in fact anything, as long as Coldplay stay the fuck at home!!
RE: people wanting to mention New Model Army – I think you’ll find I got in there first with the whole Civil-War-band-name referencing (Levellers). w00t and so forth…
I’ll do it. I’ll sing at anything me: tennis, funerals, head-popery events, BNP carnivals, all that sort of shit.
I think the Cromwell thing would be a bad idea. Can’t we reenact something else?
The guy ought not to give up his dream so easily. Ok, so the fake Cavaliers and Roundheads aren’t up for it, but there are plenty of others who like dressing up in silly costumes and pretending to do unpleasant things. The sight of a thousand furries marching on Parliament Square would strike fear into any government.
Especially the ‘erotic’ furries. God, what I would give to see a giant priapic velour bumblebee bumming Jack Straw…
I wish they’d bring back Jim’ll Fix It for stuff like this.
This scenario shall form the bulk of my dreams tonight. And my reaction to the prospect is very much like that I predict to witness in Mr Straw – a curious combination of abject horror and guilt-riddled exhilaration.
I’m afraid a lot of crimes destroy young lives. This man is absolutely right on all counts.
The solution is clearly and undoubtedly nuking countries. I realize our own beloved liberal democracies may have to be hit – but we must make a stand for young lives. They depend on us and it is up to us to lay the foundation of a better tomorrow for them – body counts, diplomacy, human rights and other PC nonsense be damned.
In fact, bring on the bioweapons – death by nuclear armageddon is far too merciful.
Bah – wrong thread. I need sleep. I still insist on the bioweapon, though.
This is clearly a pisstake though isn’t it? It’s surely just baiting HYSers. I mean, the hazy grasp of history, the misplaced sense of their own importance (internet petition!) and tabloid celebrity (Lumley) is just too good to be true. Right?
Oh, I don’t know. This Jericoa is obviously serious. The effort that went into that post is very substantial. Even to the point of using authentic 17th century spelling and grammatical rules. I think.
17th century grammar was much more fun than that. As was 17th century syphilis.
I think the whole thing reads like a very very specialist porn script that Jericoa is trying to get made in the guise of political action. Almost classy.
3 election leaflets in one day.
UKIP – Picture of winston churchill (Can’t remember when he joined them).
BNP – Picture of a polish chap flying a spitfire (Cunning ironic illusion to forruns coming ‘ere and taking our jobs no doubt).
Greens – They just don’t get it do they – Picture of some bloke who looked like a bender and probably never shot a jerry in his life.
I have a Lib Dem one which features a picture of Gordon shaking Thatcher’s hand, labelled “Labour has let the North East down”. Maybe that’s why they only had room for one meaningless bar chart, which is pretty restrained for a Lib Dem leaflet.
I got a BNP leaflet this morning. I don’t rate their chances much in Islington – a borough which is about 50% effnics and 50%lefty liberal fannies like me.
Their headline was “british jobs for British workers – you’ve earned them!”. I’ve not, I’m lazy as fuck me.
I am almost certain that I wasn’t at the Battle of Trafalgar. And in fact I’m pretty sure that, other than the world wars, Noble British Battles don’t tend to have been majority activities. I have earned my right to employability by being from the same country as Sharpe? I see.
Obviously I refer only to my ethnically acceptable side. The other half of me should go back where it came from. Or maybe I’m entitled to work part time? I’ve never quite worked out the finer details because (a)I’m currently far too crazy to be employable and (b)it’s a lot of mental energy to spend on analysing pure foaming evil.
You just can’t get the good stuff, these days.