Thanks to Ellie for finding the amazing Catherine Oliver.
“Have you been forced to move back home?”
I havent forced to move back home because i havent been in that situation
Catherine Oliver, Crawley, United Kingdom
“Will you trade in your old banger for a new car?”
I think that cash for banger is a good idea. i cant trade my old car because i dont have a car.
Catherine Oliver, Crawley, United Kingdom
Do you think Catherine ever wonders why the computer is asking her these things? Maybe she’s fundamentally misunderstood the term “online dating” and is sat in Pizza Express right now with her laptop, dutifully answering all its stupid questions and hoping the boring little shit will stop bleating on about MPs’ expenses and the Ghurkas.
84 Responses to “So Many Questions”
Agh. I’ve now got the concept of an HYS dating site in my head. Which leads to the mental picture of certain contributors meeting up, then finding somewhere to mutually masturbate, occasionally ejaculating phrases to spur them on ["Referendum!"; "Lethal injection!"] and finally spooing as one of them whips out a picture of Norman Tebbit.
I hate my head sometimes.
I think I’ll head over to a forum where they discuss model ship building to inform them I know absoultely nothing about it and that it doesnt effect me in any way……
Hmmmm. They told me to fuck off.
“Why did you leave Marillion?”
Catherine Oliver: I don’t know as I am not Fish.
“Will you give back your fraudulent expenses claims as an MP?”
Catherine Oliver: I don’t know as I am not an MP.
Catherine Oliver is fairly harmless though, although her punctuation would cause my old English teacher some heart problems. A nice change from the BNP tossers we normally lampoon.
As you were.
@Fish
Argh indeed. You have sown fearseeds in my mental loam. I can’t shake the notion that my next incidence of penetration will be accompanied by loud barks of “Lethal injection! Lethal injection!” I’ll then look up to see that my paramour has become a composite construction of HYS bile and stagnant fury. Then I’ll turn into a giant anaconda and swallow him whole like a wriggling piglet. This is when things turn nasty.
I don’t like your head either.
@ RadiatorLizard: I think that’s the plot of a Dutch educational / specialist film I saw… uh… a mate told me about.
Next week: Catherine Oliver in “I have never smoked rollups with Pope Benedict” and “Not sure it’s possible to comment on genocide without having given it a go”.
It’s not all negative, though -
That Catherine Oliver and her abstract poetry! They fucking hate her round our way.
I can’t post a response to this because I don’t have a clue what you are all going on about.
Or is it dont have a clue?
@ Radiatorlizard:
I’m sure you’d know he was an HYS contributor long before it ever got to the “horizontal recreation” stage [the lack of social skills, strong odour and drool on the chin are probably dead giveaways]. In an emergency, you could whisper “Dr Caroline Lucas” in his ear just beforehand; if he maintains his erection, he’ll be okay.
The only thing worse than expressing an opinion on HYS is expressing no opinion on HYS.
- The Thoughts of Chairman Dirigible.
you’re being a bit harsh here. if you don’t comment on absolutely every HYS thread, you’re not getting the most out of your license fee.
I haven’t wondered about this because I don’t have a computer or the interwebs, or a brain.
@Fish:
Sage advice. Although wouldn’t my administration of the test set off his radar? Pre-coital invocation of politicians is generally frowned upon, I’ve noticed.
How about whispering “Ann Coulter” at an earlier point in the evening to see if it engenders an erection?
Okay, which of you put this on HYS about Gurkhas ?
———–
Added: Friday, 22 May, 2009, 24:00 GMT 01:00 UK
Well done ,,,Congratulations ,,,I am impressed ,,,To get a Government
to do a U turn ,,,is Magic …
I guess its all the episodes of “AF” ,,,out of this world ,,,
Told you that given Cheek ,and a some push ,anything is possible
and You are right ,,,
Well done
Regards W A Froud
PS please go for PM ,,,methinks a lot of votes behind you !!!
W A froud, Letchworth herts
————–
Look, you’re not in any trouble okay ?
Just tell the truth!
http://ifyoulikeitsomuchwhydontyougolivethere.com/2008/05/14/mr-claypole/
Given cheek and a some push, (and some episodes of AbFab), methinks anything is possible.
If this is Catherine Oliver of St Wilfrid’s Catholic School (The Only Business & Enterprise with Ethics Specialist School in Crawley), then she’s just a kid, which would explain why she doesn’t have a car, hasn’t left home, and cares about acne.
Going by her efforts in the school magazine (which are not bad), perhaps she wants to be a journalist and someone gave her the idea that HYS would be a good place to practice. Poor girl.
Freaky shit! I knew she was a poet, I just knew it. I knew it cos I did.
I find myself wondering what might happen when the BNP, in the middle of a mutual masturbatory froth about Joanna Lumley, suddenly discover that Ghurkas are brown.
And I think the answer is that their heads will explode.
The Young Fella just alerted me to this baffling crap from the Daily Telegraph.
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/politics/5363695/Joanna-Lumley-is-coming-the-Gurkhas-traditional-battle-cry.html
We think Andrew Gimson, who wrote it, might have a teensy-tiny crush on Joanna Lumley (for ‘teeny-tiny crush’ read: ‘obsessively masturbating to the point of needing a skin graft, over the Lumley shrine in his shed and has a worryingly lifelike picture of her in her Sapphire and Steel days tattooed across his entire back and a 17-year restraining order still in place), because, well, just read the title and the opener beneath (then the rest). Either he’s mental or it’s a piss-poor joke trying to undermine her cos she’s a laydee and that and should be knitting, not interfering in big boys’ bidniz. And either way, he’s a twatbasket.
Did anyone recommend her non-comments…? They would have to be a touch more sad viewed objectively.
The thing that struck me about that Telegraph article was the “Pictures of the Day” box on the right, which promises “Hazel Blears with a Kit-Kat”. I hate my head.
I resent that accusation. I’ve never posted on HYS and never intend to. Take your foul slurs madam and depart!
On an unrelated note – is Ms Lumley aware that “Ayo Gorkhali” is merely Nepalese for Bukkake? It’s not just the HYSers that are frothing at the drawers.
More sage thoughts:
I don’t think that the lottery is worth a gamble as there is a chance that I won’t be successful. I ask this question – what is the point?
Catherine Oliver , Crawley, England
Exactly. The best gambles are the ones where you are guaranteed to win.
given the tired and emotional way la lumley screamed out “Ayo Gorkhali” i assumed it was nepalese for ‘where are ya then, let’s be having you’
I do not have anything interesting to say about this as I do not have anything interesting to say about it.
The BNP has “no official position” on the Gurkhas! How convenient. Shock-haired Nick claims he personally would be more sympathetic than Gordon Brown to the Gurkhas, but I think that’s as in the same way shooting someone in the head is more sympathetic than cutting two holes in his chest and pulling his lungs out through the slits so that he suffocates. Which is BNP policy for most immigrants, journalists, and council employees.
Semi-officially, though, the line is that they’re just a bunch of wog mercenaries who should be kept out but best not mention it in public or it might harm our electoral prospects.
Unofficially, the BNP position is jackboot on any non-white face.
“Do you think Catherine ever wonders why the computer is asking her these things?”
Catherine probably doesn’t realise hers is just one of many extant computers.
“Computer keeps asking me about getting man part enlargement. You’d think he’d know by now”
‘Man part’? I thought that area was called the ahem-hem…
“No terror of the sun, no pollution warnings, no SPF 152 for the kids,
Do we believe that all this expert information we are constantly bombarded with makes makes our lives better or happier?”
The biggest proof yet that ignorance is bliss for HYSers.
Are you sure that’s not a Radiohead song?
Quite. Not only that, but they have knives. Big ones. And now that well-known leftie bleedingheart liberal Joanna Lumley is trying to put them into a subsidised council house, over the heads of longterm White English citizens, NEXT DOOR TO YOU. They will eat your swans and molest your daughters. You couldn’t make it up, unless you did. If I’m right.
Woof woof
Slurp slurp
Joanna Lumley
Yum yum yumley.
Of course, the BNP will want to get rid of Ms. Lumley, being, as she is, born in furrin lands.
But now she’s got her own standing army, so good luck to them with that.
Nick Griffin, slicyey slcicey slicey
*Poor* Nicky G, getting the fuck-off button pressed on him by the very Establishment he claims to be trying to uphold:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/london/8064723.stm
Talking of slebs born abroad, Cliff Richard is Anglo-Indian and was born in India – if they make ’sending him back to where he came from’ a priority policy, would this get them more votes or lose them loads for going after the housewife’s choice? Racist mongitude* sure is a precarious balancing act…
*It’s a bank holiday and I will make up words if I so wish.
I’ve had a movement in Catherine’s house.
From the ‘Joanna Lumley is coming’ (beg pardon?) article :
“…until she entered the heavily fortified Brown zone, previously thought to be impregnable, where she proceeded to turn the Prime Minister’s head.”
I’m not sure what to say to that. I feel a little bit sick.
To her credit, she at least admits her ignorance (somewhat), which is more than can be said for a lot of HYSers.
This puts her one-up from “frothing, deluded cretin” to “deluded cretin”. If someone can convince her the Internet does not care to read her worthless, ill-thought non-opinions, she might even start to approach the “normal” category.
You know, even though her English is poor and she seems to be one of those people who would have to find a dog to carry up an escalator, there is some accidental quality in her inane posts.
She is close to the nadir of HYS comments “As I have no real knowledge of xxxxxx I am in no position to make a valid contribution.” but cannot quite hold her tongue and goes and spoils it all by saying something stupid.
“Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and the baby looked at me!”
Ralph Wiggum, Springfield.
Coincidence?
for the BNP to avoid having a policy on the gurkhas is transparently inconsistent and cowardly. they are not “ethnically british” and the BNP wants noone else resident in the UK. but they know that even less people will agree with them in this case.
even a Catherine Oliver must know that Griffin is a slimy shit
Oh dear lord. The current “Should women be allowed to kill brown people just like men” debate is the predictable clusterfuck of idiocy. I can just about live with ‘wimmins are not as strong’, but I found an apparently genuine ‘wimmins with PMT will shoot male allies’.
My particular favourite came from john Barnes (surely not?)
I think someone has been having rather too many* wank fantasies about Jeanette Crankie.
* for rather too many read any.
Well john barnes (Should that be Lee John Barnes, no John Barnes is better) has a point. Do we want four foot front line women combat soldiers as well. Of course we don’t, but do we want combat for these cute sweet little ladies to be fighting in any war, as some one who hates war, my answer is no. I love the ladies.
I love the ladies, all the ladies. If I ruled the world, I would have all the girls, I would treat them like a lady.
Surely if 4-foot women were in the frontline, the taller enemy soldiers will just shoot over them. It’s actually a clever plan.
Another wonderful example of free thinking on HYS is the “Sociology and Media Studies degrees are useless and only toffs should go to university” rantathon.
Apparently, you go to university just to get a job in engineering and computing afterwards, and not to exercise your brain, broaden your intellect and chase class totty. I wish I’d known this before I’d wasted four years and got into loads of debt!
Fucksticks! After months of absence Topsy Turvy, (Beverage Vending Machine Maintainance ‘Engineer’) is back. The only man capable of licking his own cock while simultaneously shitting down a broadband cable has returned.
Joy Pattison, get your game on, bitch, your crown is slipping.
wow. what a cunt.
on another matter, i really like this site, and think it is very funny, but I think it would be even better if whining cunts didn’t pop in every now and then to tell everyone how they think it could be improved.
fortunately it hasn’t happened for a while.
Topsy has, as ever, hit the nail on the head – what foolishness it is for students to opt for subjects that others will also be choosing! What we really need is to work out how many jobs will be available in 3 years time in every field imaginable and then create only the exact amount of spaces available on the corresponding courses. Then it’s first come, first serve for applicants. Genius! Although that’s not taking into account Humanities and Arts students who deserve to have at least 3 years of fun/self-esteem before they spend the rest of their lives being virtually unemployable, miserable, skint, disillusioned and considered pretentious cocks by everyone else (I speak from bitter experience).
Pissflaps, Nelson is saying on Twitter that he won’t have much time for brane-speaking this week. Hope it doesn’t descend into an online Lord of The Flies situation without fresh cuntery to mock and keep us sane; I just know I’ll end up as Simon. Help us Alex-Wan Kenobi, you’re our only hope!
He’s an engineer now?
Is anybody keeping track of Topsy Turvy’s CV? Just how many careers has he had?
Be honest, in a fight between fullstops and apostrophes, you just know that the girly little apostrophes dont stand a chance..sorry but its true..
And women primping about on the battle field with their tits jiggling just distract the modern, professional soldier from punching the enemy effectively.
Flatdog speaks the hard, honest truth. And I would go further… I believe no woman should be able to become a member of The Cabinet until they have beaten Stephen Hendry over 17 frames of snooker and also been a regional finalist on Channel 4’s late-night poker championship.
Does beating Stephen Hendry with a snooker cue count? I’d well up for that.
I’d BE well up for that, I meant. Arse.
Is fist fighting a requirement of modern combat? I’ve been learning this new form of defence – it’s called ‘using a gun’. Here, you stand in front of me… that’s right.. now then, I’ll point it right at your stupid thick sexist face and.. oooh, what’s this pretty little trigger thing here do?
Could a woman win in a fist fight with a man? Clearly Spitfire Pilot is not from oop North…
Does beating Stephen Hendry with a snooker cue count? I’d well up for that.
G I Jane
Hand to hand combat is still an essential skill, but I believe that these front line wimmins would have special training to cope with broken fingernails and the like.
As someone who used to help out at a ladies self defence class (as token assailant, no really) I regularly had my 6ft+ 15 stone arse handed to me on a plate by the teeny weeny lady taking the class. The HYSers seem to think that brute strength is everything. Presumably modern warfare involves arm wrestling to decide the winner or something similar.
We’ll show you what we can do to Hendry’s balls with a snooker cue.
Gertcha!
I’m guessing these ‘experts’ on women in the armed forces have some of the following characteristics:
1) Rejected Territorial Army candidate
Works in the ’sharp end’ of IT support (but describes himself as an ‘engineer’)
2) Wears combat clothing as leisure-wear of choice
3) Lives in uncleaned bedsit above Spar
4) Would still be a virgin if it wasn’t for a trip to Amsterdam in 1993
5) Has a Browsing History that would lead to a prosecution (as a result of confusing women with 13yr old boys, and finding it strangely arousing)
6) Displays a collection of replica combat knives and firearms
7) Favourite TV channel is Dave (natch)
9) Doesn’t actually know what menstruation is
10) Believe the A-Team accurately reflects modern combat
7)
9)
happy error and fortuitous discovery are the hammer and anvil of progress.
Dr Feelgood, you forgot…
11) Has bitter rage towards all women stemming from complete failure to form a relationship with one. Their very existence is a permanent reminder of his absolute failure as a social animal. His bluster about ‘the sharp end’ is a flimsy tissue to cover the supressed knowledge that in the fight for life, he was an early and very messy fatality.
I’ve seen the “women” in Stockton-On-Tees. The words “shit-house” and “brick” spring to mind. I certainly wouldn’t one fighting next to me as at any moment I might be picked up by mistake and used as a blunt instrument.
@Bit Special
And don’t forget those of us with PhDs in Sociology who had an extra four years of fun/self-esteem before the unemployability, disillusionment etc.
@Dr Feelgood:
Re: number 9 – without a shadow of a doubt, these are undoubtedly those sort of men who are so clueless about the opposite sex that they actually think women urinate out of their vaginas.
You also forgot no. 12: Has worryingly huge collection of true crime/serial killer/war sensationalising books that they don’t read but use the lurid pictures in the middle section to wank over.
@Mal – well, what else are MAs and PhDs for? At my BA Graduation Ceremony, they turned the microphone on early and the Dean was overheard on stage joking with the official brought in to give out the certificates that we (Humanities students) were the ones who would never get a ‘proper’ job.
He was right.
Critical Theory is a cruel and heartless mistress (though I disapprove of such sexist phrasing and could offer a lengthy post-structuralist explanation of why we use it).
Hi FP,
Now I’m
Oh that is good news.
Are you sure it’s United Kingdom? Not England or Great, Britain?
Now Topsy’s back can we take down our yellow ribbons ????
“fulnerable”? What kind of word is that, Spitfire pilot? Perhaps you meant it as a portmanteau* of vunerable, fun and feelable, and if that is your attitude to women and 13 year old boys then the HYS peedohunters will soon be after you. Methinks.
*oh yes, us biology grads know some long words too you humanity-type people
or even ‘vulnerable’ – blimmin’ flip
all together now,
Kick him in the head and then stand back,
while I batter his ball-sack blue and black.
Violent fucking nuts are we,
And we’re gonna go to town on Stephen Hendry!
@Bit Spesh
Don’t get all technical on me now.
No wonder these poor chaps have a problem forming relationships. The Ladies are lovely petite soft gentle fluffy nurturing types concerned only with needlework and kittens – who given a chance will go on murderous rampages with firearms once a month.
I’ll have to start keeping the current Mrs Dr F locked in the cellar next week in case she goes postal with the potato peeler – was this how Fritzl started?
If Joan Smith is sick of this country, there are many others where she and her parliamentary friends would perhaps feel more at home.
Ooops, some context possibly required – this is a direct quote from a Grauniad article
If you’re bored with no fresh branes, try one of these: Topsy in the flesh. He speaks!
It would be nice to find a way to combine these two.
Rob, your nob (sic) may be wrong but your humour is not.
Holy Crap! The BBC has asked it’s nutters “to send us your poems to sum up the feeling of the nation.” (link below) There are many truly truly awful poem-things there, but I chose this one; At first glance, this mad turd-squirt appears dreadful, soul-destroying shite, but half way through the poet tells you what influenced him and suddenly it comes into clear focus and opens into dreadful, soul-destroying shite.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/talking_point/8069367.stm
Sounds like that rubbish bit of rapping Debbie Harry did in the middle of Blondie’s Rapture.
So do you think that whining cunts not popping in every now and then to tell everyone how they think it could be improved would improve it?
I’d pop in and tell everyone, if I were you.
He’s an engineer now?
Is anybody keeping track of Topsy Turvy’s CV? Just how many careers has he had?
I presume there should be one less ‘e’ in “careers”.
@ Rogue_Leader
Irony alert dumbass.
concerned only with needlework and kittens
It would be nice to find a way to combine these two.
Its fun, and so rewarding to get the edges all nice and tidy
I can’t comment because I haven’t seen this blog