spEak You're bRanes

Thanks to Colin.

I’ve not got ‘good taste’, or ‘witty style’ or any other middle-class snobby pretensions. And I’ve cetainly NOT got a degree in architecture (thank god!).

But I know Prince Charles is absolutely right. Look at Buckingham Palace. It is beautiful and ‘right’. Now look at that Gherkin, it’s like a big, green, ‘ahem-hem’. You know. It’s stupid.

All modern buildings are clearly rubbish. Architects should all be sacked and we should just copy the old ones. Why does everything have to be new?
Beverley, Shipton

With the mating season fast approaching, Beverley is currently building her nest in a pile of abandoned spitfires.

Thanks to Sarah for this comment from a times article about yet another clergyman who’s more scared of homosexuality than he is of God.

Homosexuality is to most folk unnatural and ought not be considered an alternative lifestyle, nor be viewed in any way as a normal or desirable mode of sexuality. Having said that, nobody should be barred from holding office just because they are homosexual. Can’t gays use another word than gay?
David Griffin, Ilfracombe, Devon

Sarah says:

Clearly it is the word David has a problem with, I might suggest something more exciting like “he is sparkly” or “those two women are total sparkles”. Then you can imagine pretty fireworks and colours as opposed to this unnatural image David keeps thinking about.

Thanks to Phil and Rich for these.

Your Royal Highness Queen Elizibeth. As a loyal servent, I see your Parlimentarians have disgraced themselves and i would recomend they are all removed forthwith and new directions made to their succesors, clensing the filth that has gone unchecked for many years. I regret to inform you all,that its now time the monarchy impose their will on its subjects, in the best interests of the country/subjects towards the men who impose on you and made accountable for their self protected thieving actions
Spitfire Pilot, Low Over, United Kingdom

TO HRM Queen Elizabeth II

Please I beg you as a loyal subject of this once great nation please intervene on the behalf of your loyal citizens and end this era of greed and corruption. We need to be able to draw a line under this whole episode and move forward with confidence. The only way to achieve this is for you to dissolve parliament and order a full audit of the countries finances.
Its time for you to prove your un-doubted worth to the nation, be bold be strong be true to your people help us in our hour of need. If you act we will support you.

Love and Loyalty

WEP
WhiteEnglishProud

Thanks to everybody who sent this one in. Or maybe that should be: thanks to everybody, who sent one this in?

The so called “swine flu” does not exist, as scientists claim it has mutated and “evolved”, which implies evolution, and evolution does not exist. Therefore, this must be the will of God, and nothing can stop that.
RS Diaz, New York

You’re wrong. I’ve seen Pokémon, and you’re wrong.

God knows why, maybe Bob Jackson made me want to up the stakes, but one day, I found myself wondering how our old friend [mugged_as_mp_laughs] lives, and what he actually does for a living. It wasn’t difficult, as he’s rather forthcoming about his lifestyle. In fact I think he wants us to praise and emulate him.

Thats the problem fellas.

You LET them have too much.

A womans place is looking after the home, being there for the children and pleasing her husband.

Shame they took out the bit of the marriage vows “Love, Honour and OBEY”

[mugged_as_mp_laughs]

You know he’s single ladies.

I have lived on my own for 8 years now since I was 44.

Lonely ???? I LOVE IT.

ALL the time in the world to do what I want to do now I’m retired.

I suppose I am anti-social, but I find, that if you talk to anyone, you cannot help but take on their problems or end up moaning about things.

I suppose I am what you call a hermit or recluse. Who cares ? I have no interest in other human beings and their self centred problems.

Jack is alright I suppose but our ‘free’ society made me like it.

[mugged_as_mp_laughs]

You know I never had you down as the sociopath type. Still, it’s good you have all this time to enjoy life’s simpler pleasures, like sitting on the internet moaning about things, wanking and moaning about things some more. Do you use social networking sites by the way? I hear they’re very popular.

150 Million ?????

These children really should get out and meet real people !!!!!

Good grief !

[mugged_as_mp_laughs]

If only they could see you, hunched in a fraying dressing gown and egg-stained underpants over a glowing monitor, rattling out anonymous anger to people who wouldn’t care a jot if you keeled over right now. (I mean Have Your Sayers, I for one would be grinning like a chimp for days). One look at your empty eyes, your grim frown and the self-satisfied smirk as you hit ‘Post’, and they’d be out down the Youth Club before you could say “paid mourners”. Anyway, what’s your favourite food?

I have tried them once but I still think Pizza is cheese on toast with leftovers from our dinner plates sprinkled on !!!!

Still, if you want to waste money, go right ahead.

[mugged_as_mp_laughs]

I shouldn’t be telling anyone this in a recession as it could destroy the last remnants of the British food industry, but cheese is actually mouldy milk and toast is just cooked bread. There, I’ve fucked the country, but it’s worth it just to sap another tiny bit of colour from your drab, grey and miserable life.

Thanks to Tegid for this one from the Rugby Observer. It’s a work of tweedy genius.

TOO LONG BETWEEN COLLECTIONS

While I welcomed the council finally collecting my recycling bin this week, the question remains why it took the council nearly a month between the end of red box collections and the start of the blue bin collections.

The result was a massibe overflow of recyclables at my house – mainly bottles. I am an alcoholic, for my sins, so get through dozens of bottles every week. I do my best to be ‘green’ and religously recycle all I can. When my red box was full I regularly drove to Tesco to recycle the bottles. Unfortunately, on returning from one recyclng trip I was pulled over by the police and breathalysed.

Due to my illness I tested positive and subsequently lost my licence. So now I have no option but to rely on the council to collect my bottles.

By the time my blue bin was emptied I had enough empty bottles to refill it straight away.

Goodness knows how many more bottles I shall accumulate by the time the bin gets emptied again in a fortnight’s time.

So come on the council, help us save the planet.

Kenneth Bubb
Address Supplied

It works best if you imagine it in the voice of Toad of Toad Hall.

Thanks to Nathan. On pirates:

meet them with overwhelming force.thats the only thing they will understand invade somalia,turn the pirate bases to lava after giving a warning to the people to leave

donald bastle, grand rapids

Call me a hand-wringing liberal, but I’m still concerned about the effect of lava on members of the civilian population who may be unable to flee, not to mention the indigenous flora and fauna. It would also damage the local economy irreparably, most likely pushing more people into piracy as it becomes their only escape from poverty. Perhaps we should just use ice magic to freeze the pirates and then levitate the civilians to safety.

Thanks to Tom for this one from a Times article about some bloke who’s been denied entry to the UK.

I am putting myself on the list. I will never travel to the UK, and will boycott all British Products except salad creme. The beacon of light that was Britannia has gone out.
Carl Alfonse Mueller, Los Angeles, California, United States of America

Like we give a fuck. We got nuff salad cream, bumbaclart.

Thanks to Neil for this letter out of the Berwick Advertiser. A letter so incoherent and cartoonishly right-wing that even the respected journal publishing it couldn’t resist taking a pop.

I read somewhere that global temperatures will have risen five degrees by 2016. We clearly need to hang more deserts. Incidentally I saw ‘The Running Man’ last night. You should watch it Ian, you’d like it. Just make sure you switch off straight after Arnie dies because the ending’s really depressing.

Thanks to Charlotte for this one about the Poet Laureate.

Unfortunately for Ms Duffy I have no taste for her poetry having had it forced upon me during my Highers. I do however retain a love of Shakespeare’s sonnets and the poetry of Burns. Such is my love of Burns that for a project, I rewrote Tam o’ Shanter with a modern day setting.
J Hill, Edinburgh

I know exactly how you feel. Sometimes the original version, brilliant though it is, starts to sound a bit dated.

I’m currently bringing Messiaen’s Turangalîla bang up to date with a bit of cod reggae and some heavy, heavy dubstep. Disadvantaged kids (from estates and suchlike) will love it. Bass pressure.