spEak You're bRanes

Slightly woolly from Glastonbury still. Alex has been busy though, so I’ll start publishing his fine work. Here’s one about the fucking internet.
- Nelson

Thanks to Matthew. How may the internet change to please you?

They also need to keep porn or a well known auction site out of my every search. If I want these I can search for them.
[jackmaxsam]

Exactly. Then they should make it so the words I type into the search engine mean what I meant them to mean and not the other meanings, so I only get results I want. And close down sites I don’t use to make more room. And make sure the ones I do use offer premium subscriptions for free and get updated as often as I look at them. But not too often so I have time to reread ones I like and don’t fall behind and end up confused. And put my TV programmes on when I’m IN, fuckdammit.

I would like the web to be free of pornography, specifically child pornography.
[nicebeeblebum], East Riding, United Kingdom

Odd. Most people just want pornography to be free. Though I suppose then perverts could still have wanks, so maybe your way’s better.

Are there applications that can be built on the web that you would like to see? Get rid of all Porn. Child Porn, adult porn the lot.
We The People

Google should write an application that just abolishes fucking altogether. Problem solved.

Thank God there’s a voice of reason, someone who saw that episode of Coupling with the speech about technology and women’s bottoms and learned from it:

There is a filter in google to stop you getting porn. But don’t dis the porn! If it wasn’t for porn not only would there be no interent, there would be no written word.
Sam

It’s true. The earliest known sample of writing, a tablet of Etruscan cuneiform dating back to fifteen thousand BC, translates roughly as “chubby russian teen (donkey OR goat) anal”.

Thanks to John for this one from the “Points of View” messageboard. I can’t believe I didn’t know it existed.

Does this woman imagine that the only reason there are no centaurs around is because nobody’s fucking their horse these days?

I’ve been thinking about this and finally decided I MUST express my feelings on the ‘personal remarks’ Dr Alice Roberts made about Neanderthals in ‘The Incredible Journey – Europe’, first broadcast on 24th May and repeated in the early hours of yesterday morning.

Had she been making the comments about people of a different ethnic background to herself, they could have been regarded as racist.

I refer to how, when she was talking about the idea of Neanderthals and ‘modern’ humans interbreeding, she looked at a reconstruction of a head, depicting how a Neanderthal might have appeared, pulled a face, shook her head and dismissed the idea completely – “No, I don’t think so”, or something close to that, was her comment.

She also made disparaging remarks about how far apart their eyes were (no further apart than mine and other people’s from what I could see!) and other features.

Many so-called modern Europeans, myself included, possess various Neanderthal-like features to a greater or lesser degree and I felt she was, in turn, insulting those of us who have them by making these comments.
thecats’mother

Photo or STFU.

This chap definitely doesn’t want an MBE. He thinks the whole honours thing is totally shit and pointless. If you offered him a CBE he’d probably sick up in your face. He really wouldn’t ever want one. They’re for losers. Massive rubbish losers. OK?

I feel very honoured because I’m not on the list. It means that I’ve spent my time doing the job I’m paid for instead of spending my time trying to get recognised.

I’m very happy where I am in life and the only pieces of paper which helped me get there are my indentures and my degree – and I earned both by hard work.

Leave the honours system to massage the egos of actors and sports people with delicate constitutions and inferiority complexes – for the healthier among us we don’t need them.
[jackmaxsam]

There’s always next year, eh?

Thanks to RadiatorLizard. Do African women still need men? Quite clearly:

The word “Woman” means taken from Man. Technically, a Woman does not exist, or only as a piece or extension of Man. The concept of “Independent Woman” is absurd; moreover, she was created for man and as a last resort, because Man would not settle for the array of animals that was made instead. She is not a creation in its own right, like any other including Man, not an independent clay statue. She can only achieve superiority to Man in the afterlife by serving him first in this one.

alain, London

Of course, they didn’t speak English in the Garden of Eden, but as any Bibliolologist will tell you, the Hebrew word for ‘woman’ is derived from the א-י-ש root, meaning “otherwise useless bint God made to cook my tea and house my tiny peen once I get bored of humping oxen”. So you can tell that to your imaginary wife next time she wants the key to the imaginary padlock.

Thanks to Ruth.

I will humbly suggest a few things, Rafa, you said it. You did not play your match. Hit down the line more instead of cross court with the forehand most of the time especially against double handed backhands. Not down the middle, down the line. Stand closer to return serve and if you do that the returns will not drop short to allow the likes of Soderling take advantage. Improve the direction of serve and second serve. Pace is not enough. I say all this, meaning there is lots of room for improvement and yet you are 23 with 6 slams, 15 masters shields and world number one. It shows that you have many more successful years ahead and will win many more slams and French opens. Forget the crowd everywhere even those of us that love you. Play your game. Those who love you always will and those who don’t will come around and even if they do not, it doesn’t matter. You are Rafael Nadal and thats darn good enough. Happy Birthday.

Eve

As one of Britain’s leading sportsmen, Rafael Nadal is always in need of amateur coaching from internet messageboards. We can only hope he takes your advice. Meanwhile, I’ve personally written to the Dictionary and asked them to commission a portrait of you, in oils, haloed in the light of your own intellect. You are clutching a silver tennis racquet in your upper right hand, a solid gold tennis ball in your upper left, and typing out a bounty of indespensible sporting advice with the other two. They will use it, in a double-page colour plate, as their definition of ‘humbly’.

Should all phone and internet use be monitored?

Why do “security experts” & politicians only talk about terrorism? Organised crime’s worse & like methane gas, an invisible killer killin a few at a time with the “drip effect”;it kills 1000s anually more than terrorism & is involved in every single aspect of society unlike terorism which generally involves the destruction of infrastructure and WANTS TO BE VISIBLE. I’d rather have a visible enemy killing less than an invisible one – this feels like manipulation for the sake of Orwells 1984 world
Martin Bandera, Newcastle, United Kingdom

Martin has cut right to the heart of the matter here. What we really need are more visible enemies and fewer “drip-effect” fart massacres.

Thanks to Jon for finding this over at Saint Obama vs the Muslim Dragon. Most of it’s predictably mental and can be broadly divided into two camps:

• People shitting themselves with excitement because Obama talks about peace while he kills Muslims.
• People shitting themselves with fear because Obama talks about peace while he kills Muslims.

Encouragingly, there’s also a solid core of people who are waiting to see what he actually does. Call me some kind of cynical cunt but I think they might be waiting for a long time.

But we’re not interested in those patient, reasonable people. Check out this twat.

The question that is not being asked is “what does God want?” Sure, He wants us to live in peace, but not at the expense of Truth. Does He want us to live as Muslims, Christians or Buddhists? They cannot coexist, because they each believe different things. Saying that we can all live together and believe what we want will not work–it will only lead to anarchy. So, what does God want?
mr. mac, Iowa City

A packet of fig rolls and a two-litre bottle of White Lightning.

Should the Church of Scotland accept a gay minister? The debate rages on and privileges us with a glimpse of some rare intellects, locked in mental combat.

“I haven’t had such a good laugh in a long while.
Atheists are as least as tolerant as any one with a religion.”
jane Coburn, Milton Keynes, United Kingdom

Explain then why the Russians who have a totally secular society recently sanctioned the use of force to break up a gay rally in Moscow…
[Spirit_of_Iona], Aberdeenshire, United Kingdom

I’m still a little confused. Who’s brilliant and who’s shit? I think I’ve got the right answers for “Members of Parliament” and “Susan Boyle” but I’m still stuck on “commies”, “atheists”, “homos” and “the BNP”.

Thanks to Christine and Drew for finding this one over at the Telegraph site. It’s about painting stuff white to mitigate the effects of global warming. A bit like wearing earplugs because your TV is too loud.

Make sure you imagine all the random CAPSLOCK BITS being SHOUTED twice as loud as THE OTHER BITS.

I wish I could think of something ORIGINAL & witty right now, but the MORE IMPORTANT message I have for everyone is this:
Instead of spending another 10 minutes on this comment board, why not write a REAL, PAPER LETTER to this NUTCASE Shu ( or whatever his FKG name is ) & TELL HIM how much of a Truck-up (rhymes with) he is…
HE NEEDS AN 18 WHEELER TRUCK FULL OF HATE MAIL — EVERY TIME THESE JACKGLASSES ( rhymes with ) SAYS SOMETHING STUPID LIKE THIS, WE NEED TO COVER THEM UP WITH PAPER.
E-MAILS DO NOT MAKE FOR PHOTO-OPS, PEOPLE.
SEND ‘EM…. Just use his name, then ” US Department of Energy”, then Washington, DC, 20515.
It WILL get there….
THIS MORON AND THE REST OF ‘EM NEED TO HEAR FROM US EVERY STINKIN TIME THEY OPEN THEIR PIE-HOLES AND STUPID SIT (rhymes with) FLOWS OUT OF IT.
-30-
Gore_Idiot_Sans_Savant

You have to respect the honesty of someone who effectively precedes their brainsquawk with an admission that “I have neither the insight nor wit to make this anything other than bollocks but, fuck it, here goes anyway”.

I think he or she is doing themselves a disservice though. “JACKGLASSES (rhymes with)” is comedy genius.

Thanks to Ellie and Sam.

I recently asked why the emergency buttons at stations are green rather than the logical and expected red.

I was told it was to be consistent with Europe. Guess which way I’ll be voting! For me, this is the most bizarre Euro-decision I’ve encountered. Enough is enough. They must be colour-blind in Brussels.
Martin Watson, Teddington, United Kingdom

Who was it you asked? Was it a guy you met in the pub? Or a face you drew on your own hand?

These ones are too easy. Not just for us to shoot down, but for the poster as well. All the edginess of thinking for yourself, with none of the thinking.

I look forward to the chance to vote BNP. Nothing says “Vote BNP” quite like being told “Don’t vote BNP”
Alison, Colnbrook with Poyle

In that case Alison, vote BNP. And look both ways before you cross the street.