You Hear Me Beyoncé? It’s Absurd! ABSURD!
By AlexThanks to RadiatorLizard. Do African women still need men? Quite clearly:
The word “Woman” means taken from Man. Technically, a Woman does not exist, or only as a piece or extension of Man. The concept of “Independent Woman” is absurd; moreover, she was created for man and as a last resort, because Man would not settle for the array of animals that was made instead. She is not a creation in its own right, like any other including Man, not an independent clay statue. She can only achieve superiority to Man in the afterlife by serving him first in this one.
alain, London
Of course, they didn’t speak English in the Garden of Eden, but as any Bibliolologist will tell you, the Hebrew word for ‘woman’ is derived from the א-י-ש root, meaning “otherwise useless bint God made to cook my tea and house my tiny peen once I get bored of humping oxen”. So you can tell that to your imaginary wife next time she wants the key to the imaginary padlock.
77 Responses to “You Hear Me Beyoncé? It’s Absurd! ABSURD!”
“Technically, a Woman does not exist”
For Alain all women are a figment of his imagination. And a cause of his calloused hands and overly strengthened wrists.
Alex, you are a genius. FACT!
Actually the etymology of the English word “woman” appears to be that it originates from the middle English word “wifman”, where “wif” is the old-english word for woman, and “man” is the old-english word for human (the old english word for man is “wer”).
So yeah, the word woman has the word man in it, but the word “man” has changed its meaning.
Sigh. I had a boyfriend like this once.
He needs hitting over the head with a tennis cue.
I know Nelson has mentioned it before but I find rather odd that alain thinks that the only reason women were created was that man was getting bored with having sex with the animals. So if say tomorrow all females where wiped out by some weird event, alain would grab the nearest animal and start humping it. What an odd man.
whoops, my mistake….I know ^Alex has mentioned….sorry about that, I really should pay more attention.
So in other words, it’s all down to old Adam’s general lack of imagination and creativity?
“And on the eigth day, god invented Japanese tentacle porn and Dodo bukkake”
There. Job done.
“For if thou suckest Alain’s balls now, verily thou shalt have superiority in the afterlife (except when he is banging a goat or whatever)” Leviticus 12.23.
I bet he’s a laugh at parties.
“Wo-man, you do not exist, so you must serve ME!!! Worship my greasy hair and pimples or I shall smite your non-existence.”
@Alison – lol.
And the LORD God said, It is not good that Alain should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. And out of the ground the LORD God formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto Alain to see which of them he would shag.
And Alain gave it a goodly effort with the marmosets, made passes at the goats, and spent many hours chatting up a recalcitrant wombat; but none of the beasts of the field wanted to have sex with Alain.
And from forth Alain’s rib the LORD God created Woman; and she took one look at Alain and decided to cleave instead with the penguin.
I think he’s confusing Adam and Pan.
I think Alain is scared that the Dictatorship of the Matriarchy will find absolutely no use for him. Rightly.
@Dirigible – possibly, but the Christian view would be that he is a giant giraffe’s gonad sac.
@ jbd.
It’s true though – in the bible it clearly states that Adam was unable to find a suitable partner amongst the animals of the garden so god put him to sleep and fashioned a partner out of his rib.
This I think proves 2 things to the world:
1 – The bible is a fairy story
2 – Adam Wasn’t welsh, or he’d have settled for the sheep!
And also a dingo’s danglies
I know it’s only because of the French name, but I picture Alain in a black polo neck, waving a Gauloise around and wondering why none of the other philosophes will talk to him.
‘Pah! The other existentialists never invite me to their threesomes! ‘Ow can I get them to take me seriously? I know, I shall write a witty post-stucturalist treaty proving that women don’t exist. Then EVERYONE will want to sleep with me…’
So -if I read the mental discharge of this prize Tapir’s clunge correctly – Wo-man means “taken from Man”. So therefore, in his own tiny little universe, a Woman equates to less than a man because she is “not quite a complete man”.
So where the fuck does that leave Wombats?
But only the men, coz he has proved women dont exist, but even the blokes will have nothing to do with him,and he will be forced to rely on an elderly passing rat, as the only thing he can catch up with.
Occasionally on this site, I’ll worry that we’re poking fun at genuine imbeciles or people with severe mental disorders. This is one of those times.
Alain, I hope you’re getting the professional help you require.
Not that he’s likely to read this, of course.
Nah, Alain’s a basic misogynist Biblical literalist. They’re fair game. I hope, or my life will be a lot less amusing.
Actually, mentally ill misogynists are still misogynists and can still fuck off.
His argument has no flaw, his conclusions obvious in their truth. My life’s work was a waste. Good thing I’m dead already, otherwise I’d have to commit suicide from the shame of it all. How could I have missed that, of all the species, only Homo sapiens doesn’t have a female counterpart? Oh well, at least I no longer have to disguise my interest in orangutans behind the facade of scientific research. Bring on the hot Pongo borneo action!
Please can I have just half an hour in a darkened room with Alain tied to a chair; just me, him, a cueball in a sock and a powerpoint presentation* explaining how all foetuses are female for quite a long time and males are created when a certain change doesn’t take place properly**, therefore making males technically malformed females?
Sorry to be unfunny, but this shit is my academic speciality (I’ve seen data from gender scientists/specialists referring to the sexes as female and non-female, so significant is this fact). And Alain is a massive cunt and a mental. ‘Women don’t exist’? What am I, a simulacrum? Don’t get all Baudrillard on me, you hateful, bonkers, GodSquad fucktard or I’ll put on my pointy witch shoes and kick you to death with my metaphorical feet.
Once I’ve got permission from my Dad, obviously.
*I don’t actually know how to do these, but for Alain, I would learn.
**I’ve way over-simplified this, of course.
By ’so significant is this fact’, I mean, of course, the gender thing, not me knowing summat about it. Even I’m not THAT egotistical.
Ah, Bit Special, we and our hairy ilk are clearly wimmin and thus in Alain’s world exist even less than women. I am not sure how degrees of nonexistence work, but then Making Sense doesn’t seem to bother him in any way. Nor do Science or Facts, so I suspect that your explanation would be lost on him, so perhaps you should skip straight to the ultraviolence.
Apologies for assumptions of hairiness, obviously. I am sure you are as smooth and ivory-pale as the rib whence you were shaped.
Woman doesn’t mean “taken from man”. It’s a pictographic representation of man+w+o (a pair of tits and a fanny). I am the first person who has ever thought of that.
And thanks to Donna Kariati for her incisive comment:
@digger – Never mind the Wombats, what about the Wombles?
Don’t African women need men to cook in big pots and eat? Incidentally, the Hebrew word for woman comes from a root meaning to bore or penetrate, meaning if you’re Israeli you can rape and talk about getting your car engine tuned all you like with Biblical justification.
Don’t they have African bicycles? Racialist!
If we’re laughing at creationist fucktards, and let’s face it what other way is there to respond to them, then Robert Mailloux should be considered:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/8032641.stm
To paraphrase:
“Evolution has no substantial science [behind it]…the bible says God created the Earth in six days and we believe that”
Clearly Robert has read Darwin and knows exactly what he’s talking about.
Holy cunting fuck! I hadn’t thought of that!
Alain has shaken my belief system to its core.
*shakes head slowly, turns away with rapidly moistening eyes, sheds tiny tear for Madame Cholet (peace be upon her)*
*sob*
Roberts does indeed know what he is talking,and what he is talking is complete & utter bollocks, from start to finish. In fact every time he, or any other cretinist, opens their bible drolling mouth flaps, then we should have carte blanche to kick them repeatedly in the head before they can start spouting their drivel.
Crikey, has anyone even looked at the rest of the thread for this subject?
Alain is a pathetic giraffe’s lady flaps, yes, but the level of misogyny is surpassed by the others – a meeting place for African diaspora from around the world, apparently).
See here
Robert Mailloux presumably believes that Clement Atlee, Robert Stephenson and Ralph Vaughan Williams were also kings. Either that or he’s a rancid weasel quim, and I know which my money would be on.
Amusingly, I AM ivory-pale. I also have girly hair, wear make-up and heart fashion and all that – but please don’t tear up my membership card to the Official Loony-Lefty Wimmin’s Club just yet, as I can’t be arsed with all the stoopid illogical hair-removing nonsense. However, as I am the world’s least hirsute adult, I don’t really need to bother, so it’s a kinda fluke-cheat. But enough of my personal grooming – I’ve gone off the pointy witch shoes idea now and am thinking I should just go oldskool with my DMs – what would you suggest?
Erm, that was in reply to Mim.
Wombles? Wombats?
Surely Womracquets.
Alain is in good company: that thread is a goldmine. Or idiot-mine.
“If woman do not need men, how can the future prophet and the scientists be borned. The west cannot still understand wonam should be docile and respect man, but they follow the opposite they bear terrorists and murderers.Let man leads and women follow . That is the only way to make the world a better place.
sulayman babu, Raleigh, NC”
Ms Special
Not knowing Powerpoint is very much a good thing, especially when combined with actually knowing clever/interesting stuff. I don’t care about his business practices or any of the other reasons people hate Bill Gates for, I’d just like to string him up for encouraging people who should just shut the fuck up to tell us things instead, at length, with clip art.
Actually, he’d also get a good stabbing for Project, but it’s less his fault than clueless ‘project managers’ who realise that they can draw really nice complicated diagrams, and then spend the next 12 months furiously trying to bend reality to achieve what their pretty picture tells them. Because the picture can’t be wrong, oh no.
Forget Wombles & Wombats – what’s to become of Womack & Womack?
Wombles, good in a crisis not so good in a sandwich.
My mental image of Alain is of Terry Scott saying “Wo-man” in Carry On Up The Jungle and drawing pictures in the sand. I feel a double-entendre coming on.
If he doesn’t believe in women then his argument is with Animal from the muppets.
Alex is being unfair here.
I think its wrong to attribute Independent Women just to Beyonce… it was a hit for Destiny’s Child. I think Kelly and especially Michelle could do with a bit of credit too… Beyonce always gets the plaudits but they were a group.
Typical bloody men. Refusing to settle for the array of animals on offer. No wonder God’s so angry in the Old Testament.
And the Lord spake unto Alain, “Fuck this goat.”
“No”
“Alright, what about this dolphin?”
“Piss off”
“This wombat’s well up for it”
“Don’t fancy it. How about you take one of my ribs and, er, you know, create one of me, but with an extra hole and bigger titties?”
“Bloody pervert! I’m going to smite you good and proper, you filthy bastard.”
What a question. When and where in the world have woman never needed men? Men are the back bone to every strong nation, home, tent, and yes every damn bedroom. Women were brought into the world through men. And needless to say, men are the leaders, makers, intertainers, the overseers and yes, the ultimate creatures on earth. All women who say or think that men do not have a place in their lives are losers. Such women have themselves to blame for thier plights. And i say shame on you. Men rule.
Samuel Memoh, Chicago, United States
woof woof woof
drool drool drool
pant pant pant
slurp slurp slurp
Down boy (or girl).
Bit Spesh:
It it wrong to be so attracted to your angry ranting?
@RecoveringMisogynist: no it isn’t. Clearly.
@Bit Special: having worn nice comfy vegetarian men’s shoes for several years I now can’t get my feet into the aberrations that are sold to women. Like one of the witches in that horrible book by Roald Dahl. It is a dangerous path, comfort. You will become unacceptable to Alain and that may just not be worth it.
I am ivory-pale with sensitive skin and Arab levels of body hair. My decision to be one of that kind of feminist was largely influenced by the fact that if every single hair ingrows no matter what you do it is not remotely enjoyable.
Maybe I could seduce Alain by claiming to be a monkey.
congratulations, alain, as this week’s star bodoch, you win a whole entire year’s subscription to Elise Sutton’s Female Superiority website.
it’s got pictures and everything.
love and kisses,
a well-wisher
@ sm
Great link to the creationist fucktards. I know it’s like shooting (divinely created) fish in a barrel, but these are my personal favourites:
Yes – about the same time they thought God created the earth: let’s all move on
1. @ sm
Great link to the creationist fucktards. I know it’s like shooting (divinely created) fish in a barrel, but these are my personal favourites:
I must say, I do like the quotes from the HYSers in the US. Men rule, but it’s all women’s fault that terrorists and murderers get born. Who are, in the main, male. But it’s the womens’ fault.
Which nicely sums up most religions.
oy! not all religions! just the crappy ones. ahem. *you know who you are*
All are equal in my eyes, except Joy Pattinson and Nick Griffin, who are clearly inferior beings.
I think we should all just back away from abusing poor Alain. He is clearly, as we not-really-psychiatrologists call it ‘A Bit of an Mentalist’. I mean:
What’s he trying to say, that even though men are real they are clay statues, but the women aren’t real because they’re not made of clay.
I have a nasty feeling he wanks himself raw and bloodied over venus de milo every night.
And so long as it keeps him out of the gene pool, who am I to argue with his behavior?
You know, I think this whole thing probably flips a goodly proportion of the trigger switches for my Fucking Infuriated Mode. First we’ve got alain, who must be one of the western world’s leading throwbacks and wouldn’t deserve a capital letter even if he wanted one. He’s something you could quite easily recreate in plentiful detail in the first stage of ‘Spore’ if you played really REALLY badly.
Further, he infuriates me – which is to say, he really, deeply and intensely fucks me RIGHT OFF – not only because of his own utterly mindless moronity (not sure that’s actually a word, but it’ll do), which in itself makes him deserving of an eternity of unremitting shoeing; but also because he in turn will provide a trigger for similarly reactionary fucktardery from the militant anti-men crowd who will cheerfully claim him to be representative of all males everywhere.
And then, not only that, but he justifies his imbecilic, witless sphincter-squirt of an opinion by pointing at Genesis, which is an open invitation to every anti-religionist in the place to start laying into idiot ‘faith-heads’ on the basis that they must all surely believe what alain here seems to believe.
Oi! “Unknown Pleasures” is a classic of alternative rock.
…oh wait
also: alain is a twat
Mith, you know that thing that happens on HYS where people make up a possible argument in their heads and then foam at the mouth about it?
That.
What?
@Bit Special
Powerpoint presentation *I don’t actually know how to do these
====================================
don’t worry your little head over it. i’m sure some nice man will make the presentation for you. if you like, you can make a handout by printing it (he could help with that too) and adding glitter
@Throbbe
Not knowing Powerpoint is very much a good thing
=================================
LaTeX beamer FTW!
@Simon – can I use my favourite pink Hello Kitty paper?
@bit special: just twat the old tosser repeatedly with a sackful of spare ribs, while showing him photographs of his mother.
The pointy witch shoes are as bad as the doc martens if you ask me.
Are you single by the way?….
It’s Ms Special to all you inferior male scum.
It is well-documented that I am sickeningly smitten with the long-suffering and downtrodden live-in he-slave known as The Young Fella (he being a lot younger than me), who, for reasons unclear to myself, reciprocates my affection. No other man could so jovially tolerate my clutter, shrewish bad temper, insecurity, moderate OCD and insistence on talking like Clay Davis from The Wire for hours on end. Sheeeeeeeeeeeeee-it.
“It’s true though – in the bible it clearly states that Adam was unable to find a suitable partner amongst the animals of the garden so god put him to sleep and fashioned a partner out of his rib.
This I think proves 2 things to the world:
1 – The bible is a fairy story
2 – Adam Wasn’t welsh, or he’d have settled for the sheep!”
Why? Can an all powerful God not make a woman out of nothing? Why did he need a rib?
S BAS – stop press! you may have found a flaw in the bible. i know it sounds unthinkable, but you’ve only gone and bloody done it. we must inform the president
The Bible doesn’t actually say that God is infallible. At all. Anywhere in it.
Also if you read your weird Hebrew myths (weirder than the ones in the Bible) you’ll find that God tried making a woman out of dirt first the same way he made Adam, but she was banished for refusing to “submit” to him. Eve was the second (in some stories the third) model.
If men are clay statues, does this make Morph Jesus? And what of Chas – is he the devil? I need clarification!
I suspect it was an arm wrestling contest, that the first two kept winning.
Obviously Chas is James the Just (brother of Jesus). Duhh…
They fucking did.
I’m afraid I haven’t had time to read all the responses, so someone might have said this before, but–
No, Alain, the word “woman” means “person with a womb”.