spEak You're bRanes

Thanks to Ste for finding the artificial sperm discussion. I say ‘discussion’, I imagine it’s some kind of Oulipo project to write a paranoid sapphic version of Brave New World in 500 characters without using punctuation, lower-case letters, intelligence or modesty.

“Scientists claim to have created…; “…the creation of…”; “… have been created…”. So Newton was wrong all along! Who’d have guessed?
Jean Manuforti, London

Sorry Jean, I’m baffled. You might need a few more words.

Dear Scientist:

Please Stop cloning sheep, we have loads of them. Please stop putting fish genes in out tomatoes. Please stop messing with human sperm, we have loads of humans. Please cure Cancer and HIV and Swine Flu.
Thanks,

The human race.
Chicken Little

And how do you expect Scientist to make this cure for Cancer and HIV and Swine Flu? Don’t forget there’s a global shortage of papier-maché and lolly-sticks at the moment.

Having seen some of the women in my town, waddling around in their summer attire I say bring it on. The idea of donating my sperm to any one of them makes me shiver like a Raspberry jelly. Let’s face it, this will be news, as important as the second coming, (pun intended) to lesbians around the world. We, (mankind), seem hell bent on self destruction, and this is just another nail in the coffin. I could see this as being useful only if a comet struck, or disease came making all men sterile.
Worry Wort, Sheffield, United Kingdom

Don’t worry, Wort. There’ll always be a place for your greasy seed. In that grey sock you keep under the bed.

Does it have a microchip? I mean surely we need human microchips now. Oh! maybe it has microwires? Can it be plugged in to a computer? Well at least it’s another grand step in the right direction of continued control.
tiny bin, Arun District, United Kingdom

We’ve gone over this before. You remember when you got ketchup on your shirt, and you said it meant the government was putting shirts in the ketchup, but then the shirt was much too big to fit in the sachet? Well, it’s the same with the spunk on your keyboard.

I am afraid this is not a record.

I developed sperm in a laboratory over forty years ago and I was assured at the time that I was not the first….
Clogged My Pops, Big Town

Astounding! I think your next big research project should aim to find the difference between “developed” and “leaked”.

Thanks to James for this comment on spying.

Graeme Gibson wrote:
The UK government needs to spy on the people.
Islam is spreading with her global plan and it doesnt matter if she uses violence, as long as all cultures get consumed for allah and the counterfeit that is their sharia law.
Many of the ordinary people likewise simply wont behave themselves.
Many teenagers have gone feral and refuse to work (its the same in Australia).
Society is slowly fading.
Give the police a break…let them spy without complaint.
If the people are going to become a rabble and terrorism is going to spread hard discipline will be needed lest civilisation falls.
You police can start with an attempt to ban that foul pornography, that creates so many sex criminals.
It has to go for the sake of the women and children.

You forgot the global warming hoax. Idiot.

Jamie found this one on Afghanistan:

No modern human army, navy or air force can win this war as they are fighting animals who like chamelians can disappear at will and reappear in a different place in different numbers with full gorrilla tendencies. They are being trained in our own country and seem to have far greater resources than the British fighting forces. GB is making them go into battle with 1 arm tied behind their backs-right equipment & vehicles denied. Bring them home while we still can.
Margaret Hart, Redcar, United Kingdom

Why didn’t Bush take into account those mystic Afghans and their Taliban super-powers? Now we’re stuck fighting magical shape-shifting animals with the camouflage powers of a chameleon, the strength, tree-swinging ability and hit-and-run tactics of a gorilla, the teleportation powers of an octopus and the constantly-varying numbers of a swarm of killer bees of indeterminate size. Meanwhile our troops have the missing arm of a spider caught under a glass, and the equipment shortages of a poorly-funded wallaby. You’re right Margaret, I don’t know how we’re going to win this.

I know I should leave Biased BBC alone, but to be honest, if you’re going to use painfully obvious song-title puns to complain about the ethnics on your telly, you’re pretty much asking for it.

If it “makes no difference if you’re black or white” why has the BBC wheeled one black artiste on after another to tell us how important MJ was?

As you no doubt guessed, we at SYB are in league with the BBC, and out of curiosity we forwarded your complaint to the Head of Leftist Activism. We received this statement by return of post:

Dear Speak Your Brains [sic],

Jackson does not dictate policy and, here at the BBC, impartiality guidelines are quite clear about just such controversial assertions. ‘Stand by Me’ must be put on alongside ‘Don’t Stand so Close to Me’, and ‘I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking for’ may not be played unless equal airtime is given to the skiffle standard ‘Blow Me Down, It Was in My Pocket All Along’. As such, the BBC gave, as required, equal consideration to the prospect that it does matter if you’re black or white.

Controller of Political Bias, Broadcasting House, Londonistan

What is the legacy of the Moon landing?

Why will it take until 2020 to land on the moon again? If they’ve already done it 40 years ago, why can’t they just go ahead and do it again now?
Dave Blake

Yeah, fuck’s sake, it’s not rocket science.

Jamie found this wonderful example of bedside manner.

Fact 1: Swine flu was let out into the open by pharmaceutical companies.
Fact 2: People are panicking because despite the fact that 18,000 people a year die from influenza every year in the UK alone, the media are focusing on this issue – why aren’t they focusing on influenza which kills far more annually.
Fact 3: The vaccine is not out yet because pharmaceutical cartels are trying to fix the price at the moment.
Fact 4: It is better to fall ill from whatever rather than be vaccinated.

Dr Mike Norris (M.D. / Ph.D), Liverpool

A woman wakes up in the hospital and says “Doctor, Doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The Doctor replies, “yes, that’s because the pharmaceutical companies have deliberately released a flesh-eating bacteria into the wild and it’s eaten off your arms. Now they’re trying to fix the price of the cure so we probably won’t be able to afford enough of it to save you before it eats your face off from the inside out.” The woman says, “But Doctor, that’s terrible! Surely if there’s proof that’s the case the government can put some pressure on them in order to save lives?” And the Doctor replies, “Oh yes, PROOF. Just like you want PROOF of 9/11?? You can only see the PROOF when you’re not looking for it just like those supposed FACTS they made us learn at medical school with those fucking milquetoast Doogie Howsers vomiting them back up to the professor for ‘good grades’ and ‘qualifications’ and their ‘Daily Mail isn’t a scientific journal’ and their ‘licences to practice.’ I didn’t cut your arms off by the way. Or try to repair them using ham.”

Thanks to Sarah for this one from Times Online. This looks very much like the work of the same “rjaggar” from this post the other day. I had a look around and realised we’ve featured him before as well.

If it takes an insider like you 3 years to get your pound of flesh, what hope for an outsider rebel like me, particularly one who has probably enraged the CIA and, more notably, Dick Cheney, in addition to more normal ‘usual suspects’ within New Labour?
Rhys Jaggar, Leeds, UK

The CIA and Dick Cheney are indeed powerful enemies but I can’t believe that even they could suppress a genius like yours. Why aren’t you on telly or something? Maybe God thinks you’re a dick.

Thanks to Nathan and Liam for this comment on a terrifying vision of wind-powered Britain. I like it, it makes me think of World of Goo.

I am very concerned that these wind farms will affect the natural wind patterns thereby affecting weather patterns. A consensus of my friends who are scientists believe that a wind farm of this scale will shift the earth off its rotational axis and send it hurtling toward the sun in a matter of decades. Who stupid are these Brits? Don’t they realize that human actions on such a scale have worldwide consequences? Such an attempt to destroy the planet should be considered an act against humanity and declaration of war. Where is the condemnation from the UN?
— Lyle Vos

It’s fine. We’ve got a pact with Australia. We build one, they build one, sorted. Better still, by 2035 we hope to have a system in place whereby they shut two or three of theirs off in July to give us a hotter summer, and we do the same in December and have a white Christmas. It’ll be great.

Thanks to Peter. On the Iran kerfuffle:

Fence ourselves off from the middle east entirely. Let them live in their Murderous Islamic paradise, But leave us alone.
Stan, Billingsgate

Best vote BNP then, as they’ve pledged to build Britain a moat.

Thanks to Thomas for finding this hilariously self-important tit commenting on Nick Robinson’s blog.

I hope that this whitewash is not connected with an email I sent this morning to a cross-party representation of the HOC about surprising monitoring of my PC with rather close links to Sky Sports, the Sun and the Daily Mail.

Perish the thought that FURTHER INFORMATION would lead to cases being dropped………..
rjaggar

This is a textbook example of the basic malfunction that drives these idiots to comment all over stuff. Obviously, many of them are also very, very thick and startlingly racist, but the thing that propels them to share this with the rest of us is the delusion that the world gives a freshly minted fuck what they think.

This theme leads me on nicely to these next comments which were posted on this very site. I love it when the disgruntled gnomes of Have Your Say venture out of their incredibly important world and arrive here, only to discover that everyone else has been pointing at them and howling with laughter. This time it was the turn of “1984ReturnsForReal” who is convinced that:

1. He’s dangerously subversive
2. That there’s some kind of librul conspiracy, hell-bent on destroying him
3. That other people give a shit about any of this

Anyway. He’s mid-flow here:

Thanks for the text at 4.42 this morning.

I assume its only the owner or agent of this site who can trace an IP address.

[...]

Unfortunately whover texted made the mistake (& I assume its a mistake) of texting my wife who has newly announced (yesterday) she is pregnant. Now if you take that text & read it back it would somewhat have undeniable threatening tone to a pregnant woman, wouldnt it?

I would advise all posters that possibly either the site owner or agent cannot be trusted with your details & should you have jobs that depend on a certain degree of discreteness you stay well away from this site.

Feel free to text her back & apologise.

It seems some people are not as intelligent as they pretend to be. Idiot.
1984ReturnsForReal

The idea that I can somehow determine his wife’s mobile number is merely very, very stupid. The idea that I would give a fuck is pure comedy genius.

There’s plenty more though:

Just got my first ever email from a dating site.

On top of the text to my wife at 4.40 this morning.

Funny that you all seem to think that this website is run by the righteous.

Like I said if your job means you need to maintain discretion I wouldn’t touch this website with a bargepole.
1984ReturnsForReal

Spam you say? YOU GOT SOME SPAM? Fuck me. They really ARE out to get you.

Still reading? Are you ABSOLUTELY SURE you want to keep taking the risk? I might not be as righteous as I pretend. I could be clearing your bank account out right now using electrickery.

Ready for the grand finale?

[...]

As for the text at 4.40 this morning you have had the opportunity to reverse it & yet done nothing. Its publish or police time. No choice after you arranged the email. Wifes mobile & my email, where do you stop?

I hope for your sake its a throw away sim in a throw away phone.
1984ReturnsForReal

See? He REALLY believes it. I would pay SO much money to be there as he explains to the police that he wants them to do something about his spam problem and a text that woke his wife up.

Just in case he’s still reading, I should tell him that I know he has Sky Broadband. I also reckon I know his name and the county he lives in (it’s surprising how much info people leak through HTTP headers). So I could have a guess at his landline number, if he’s not ex-directory. But, as I explained to him at the time:

“Rather than a technical solution, I actually used magic instead. If you go to the police I’m going to use more magic to prevent them from being able to imprison me.

There’s literally nothing you can do against this kind of power.”