spEak You're bRanes

Delusions of Grandeur and Self-appointed Sages21 Jul 2009 01:14 pm

By Kelvin

Jamie found this wonderful example of bedside manner.

Fact 1: Swine flu was let out into the open by pharmaceutical companies.
Fact 2: People are panicking because despite the fact that 18,000 people a year die from influenza every year in the UK alone, the media are focusing on this issue – why aren’t they focusing on influenza which kills far more annually.
Fact 3: The vaccine is not out yet because pharmaceutical cartels are trying to fix the price at the moment.
Fact 4: It is better to fall ill from whatever rather than be vaccinated.

Dr Mike Norris (M.D. / Ph.D), Liverpool

A woman wakes up in the hospital and says “Doctor, Doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The Doctor replies, “yes, that’s because the pharmaceutical companies have deliberately released a flesh-eating bacteria into the wild and it’s eaten off your arms. Now they’re trying to fix the price of the cure so we probably won’t be able to afford enough of it to save you before it eats your face off from the inside out.” The woman says, “But Doctor, that’s terrible! Surely if there’s proof that’s the case the government can put some pressure on them in order to save lives?” And the Doctor replies, “Oh yes, PROOF. Just like you want PROOF of 9/11?? You can only see the PROOF when you’re not looking for it just like those supposed FACTS they made us learn at medical school with those fucking milquetoast Doogie Howsers vomiting them back up to the professor for ‘good grades’ and ‘qualifications’ and their ‘Daily Mail isn’t a scientific journal’ and their ‘licences to practice.’ I didn’t cut your arms off by the way. Or try to repair them using ham.”

135 Responses to “Definitely A Real Doctor”

on 21 Jul 2009 at 2:08 pm Funny Peculiar

Fact 4: It is better to fall ill from whatever rather than be vaccinated.

But I read that the pharmaceutical companies had let a new killer strain of whatever into the open. But I’m not a doctor, so he may be right.
on 21 Jul 2009 at 2:25 pm not Funny Peculiar

That’s odd… If you put “Dr Mike Norris, Liverpool” into google, it says that the good doctor is in fact a plastic surgeon in Burlingame, California and has been practicing there for the last thirty four years. I wonder why he gave a false address? Perhaps he was worried about the dreaded 4.42am text. Very wise.
on 21 Jul 2009 at 2:29 pm graduatecalling

BURN THE VACCINATION! IT’S A WITCH!!!!!!!!!11111!!!!!!!!!!!!
on 21 Jul 2009 at 2:39 pm AndyS

MrsPharmaceuticalCompany: ‘Time for bed, don’t forget to let the swine flu out before you come up’

MrPharmaceuticalCompany: ‘Yes dear’
on 21 Jul 2009 at 2:45 pm dirigible

Four attempts, four fuckwitteries.

I want a genius futures market to short.
on 21 Jul 2009 at 2:46 pm Scaryduck

Fact 5: Big Pharma and THE MAN have been hiding the cure to the common cold in plain sight for the last four decades under the brand name “Domestos”
on 21 Jul 2009 at 2:46 pm burnel

Did Mike Morris get his qualifications from Disneyland University? Just send a postal order for £1-99.. Fact.
on 21 Jul 2009 at 2:55 pm Funny Peculiar

Swine flu was let out into the open by pharmaceutical companies.

This conjures an imagine of Kate Humble bending over (steady) to open a little animal transporting container and watching the little mites scurry happily into the forest. Awww… another touching Pet Rescue heart-warmer.
on 21 Jul 2009 at 2:56 pm Funny Peculiar

‘image’ – dyslexic dugong’s droppings!
on 21 Jul 2009 at 3:00 pm RadiatorLizard

The good doctor is right. It was obvious from the start that this had nothing to do with our noble English (not British) hogs, but those burrito-muching beaner pigs can also be exonerated. The whole debacle is, in fact, a shadowy conspiracy cooked up by the liberal media and the pharmaceutical industry in order to extract money from the public and possibly to force them into mass Islamic conversions. Thank the ickle baby Jesus that they have underestimated the sense and levelheadedness of the British public!

i am bit worried cos im 34 weeks pregant if i get it i die

natasha turner, nolfork, United Kingdom

Oh.

Well, at least she doesn’t seem to be panicking about it.
on 21 Jul 2009 at 3:04 pm Simon

Mike,

Tautology. Look it up. Dr Mike Norris Ph.D M.D. Very bad form, old boy!!

So Mike is a Medical and Academic doctor. I’m with Burnel on this, although I reckon he paid the equivalent of £1.99 each for his qualifications.

If I’m right.
Which I always am.
on 21 Jul 2009 at 3:07 pm Simon

Im summary:

Mike, you’re an ocelot’s oderous orrifice.
on 21 Jul 2009 at 3:08 pm Mr Cat

This one is my current favourite from that thread… I like the way it builds from a list of monosyllabic grunts to a full blown unpunctuated rant.

China
Quarantine and face masks

Uk
Leaflets
phonelines
as for masks
Gief…the ugly betty & chav brigade wont be seen with last months mobile never mind a paper mask
In uk wearing a face mask would proberly result in a clobbering from a feral gang or the macho shaven headed thugs who congregrate outside pubs smoking
tabloids &media has destroyed all public confidence in the system & the system has too by its blairite dumbing down of a ignorant regressive society in free fall

Voltaire Reason, stoke on trent

Swine Flu is a Blairite virus.
on 21 Jul 2009 at 3:10 pm Call of Davrodu

Now I’m not a fancy city Doctor, (gasp!) nor even wear a pair of Freud slippers. I’m just an ordinary armchair psychologist but I’d like to re-phrase some of those factoids

Fact 1: I cannot envisage other people acting in ways other than my own externally sadistic, internally masochistic character dictates.

Fact 2: The public (me) are an ignorant and repressed mass who are bullied and controled by uncaring superiors, see fact 1.

Fact 3: I have not experienced the vaccine for my ills, natural unrepressed orgasm, due to said uncaring superiors machinations, by which I mean my own repressions.

Fact 4: Its better to spend my time broadcasting my sickbrained paranoid views on whatever rather than allow myself to be brought to orgasm.

That will be £50, Dr Norris. Same time next week?
on 21 Jul 2009 at 3:11 pm Mr Cat

Actually – this one appeared the evening before the one above. I think Voltaire reason has a bee in his/her bonnet about chavs….

Today I went shopping ..every single shop assistant licked their fingers when opening bags ,some even were doing it as a habit even when picking up packets!
soon as i got home straight for the bar of soap and hot water !

Plenty of chavs spitting as per usual

things you never hear a football shirted chav say …oh dear are you sure these burgers are vegetarian? ..damn I missed the Chopin concert on radio 3….

Post Modern post Blairite Britain ya canna beat it

voltaire Reason, stoke on trent
on 21 Jul 2009 at 3:12 pm Simon

In summary:

I cannot spell!!
on 21 Jul 2009 at 3:13 pm Naich

Now that Chuck Norris has proven himself to be a complete penis and not worthy of piss-taking with facts about him, how about Dr. Mike Norris Facts instead? “Dr. Mike Norris won’t vaccinate you because it’s pointless to have a virus that doesn’t cause any symptoms”… and so on and so forth.
on 21 Jul 2009 at 3:13 pm My Foot Hurts.

“the macho shaven headed thugs who congregrate outside pubs smoking
tabloids”

I understand the Sun gives quite a buzz when mixed with just the right amount of Daily Sport.
on 21 Jul 2009 at 3:15 pm Dr Feelgood

As doctor, I’m often asked, “Doctor, is there any chance that someone on the interent claiming to be a doctor, isn’t really a doctor?”.

The answer to this is, of course, really very simple. Everyone on the web who uses Dr, doctor, MD and PhD in their username is undoubtedly a genuine doctor of medicinology.

Any doubts you may have are pure hysteria. Now drink this special medicine I’ve prepared for you my dear and lie back on the couch for your special, er, examination.

Gobbler, NO!… SIT!… it’ll be your turn in a minute…
on 21 Jul 2009 at 3:19 pm RadiatorLizard

the macho shaven headed thugs who congregrate outside pubs smoking tabloids

I know some people (e.g. old people, Northerners, people in b&w documentaries about Borstals) call them ‘tabs’, but I didn’t realise this was the origin.
on 21 Jul 2009 at 3:21 pm RadiatorLizard

Bumhats! Pipped to the post!

My Foot Hurts, I tip my hat to your speedy fingers.
on 21 Jul 2009 at 3:32 pm alt-f4

Fact 1 is incorrect.

Swine Flu almost certainly originates from a large pig farm “La Gloria” in Mexico. La Gloria is owned by Smithfield Foods based in Virginia. They have what John Major would undoubtably call “form” in polluting, having received large fines in California before moving the farm to Mexico.
on 21 Jul 2009 at 3:33 pm That Bloke in the Corner

Ooo, nasty, the whatever’s are a bastard, you want to see a doctor about that Dr Mike Norris (M.D. / Ph.D) -sorry you are all ready and your cure for the whatever’s is then?…….. I am sensing fakery here Dr.
on 21 Jul 2009 at 3:34 pm That Bloke in the Corner

Bastard Bloke quotes..

“Fact 4: It is better to fall ill from whatever rather than be vaccinated.”

Ooo, nasty, the whatever’s are a bastard, you want to see a doctor about that Dr Mike Norris (M.D. / Ph.D) -sorry you are all ready and your cure for the whatever’s is then?…….. I am sensing fakery here Dr.
on 21 Jul 2009 at 3:37 pm That Bloke in the Corner

“things you never hear a football shirted chav say …oh dear are you sure these burgers are vegetarian? ..damn I missed the Chopin concert on radio 3….”

Voltaire reason obviously doesn’t listen to Radio 3 either or he would realise that those that do would never refer to a Chopin ‘concert’ urgh how uncouth
on 21 Jul 2009 at 3:41 pm AndyS

too right, it’s a chopin ‘gig’ – shoddy tour t-shirts on sale in the side roads afterwards

i bet voltaire reason applauds between movements too
on 21 Jul 2009 at 3:47 pm A football shirted chav

@Mr Cat. Those two titans of twattery from Mr Voltaire Reason are wasted as thread additionals. They really needed to be given their own spotlight and garnished with a sprinkle of Nelson’s magic fairy dust. They are things of beauty.

A spotter’s badge for Mr Cat, methinks.
on 21 Jul 2009 at 3:58 pm A football shirted chav

things you never hear a football shirted chav say…

*sniff* I’m sorry Mr Reason, *sob* please don’t mock me any more, I just can’t handle it. It’s doing me nut in. I confess, I’m no match for your gentleman’s repartee. Just let me go, *sniff*, please. I won’t do nuffin again, honest.
on 21 Jul 2009 at 4:00 pm Neil Craig

I have commented previously on the ease with which people online claim qualifications to which they are not entitled to make their rubbish seem more credible. It is possible Dr Norris is doing this.
on 21 Jul 2009 at 4:03 pm things a chav would say

mr reason is a cunt. lets beat the fuck out of him
on 21 Jul 2009 at 4:07 pm DA PC BRIGADE

I can’t see a post by Neil Craig now without imagining it in the voice of the Simpsons Comic Book Guy

Worst. Doctor. Ever, ay Neil?
on 21 Jul 2009 at 4:08 pm Loop

Yes… we’ve all of us been witness to people claiming things to be one way which are quite another, haven’t we…
on 21 Jul 2009 at 4:09 pm Dr Feelgood

I have commented previously on the ease with which people online claim qualifications to which they are not entitled to make their rubbish seem more credible. It is possible Dr Norris is doing this.
Neil Craig

No shit!?! Oh man, so do you think your ‘blue pills’ might be fakes too?
on 21 Jul 2009 at 4:12 pm Dr Rick Dagless, MD, PhD, DPhil, OBE MBE BSE

“Fact 4: It is better to fall ill from whatever rather than be vaccinated.”

Things were better when we all got smallpox, weren’t they?
on 21 Jul 2009 at 4:14 pm Pob

I have not commented previously on the ease with which people online claim names to which they are entitled, to make their rubbish seem less credible. It is possible Neil Craig is doing this.
on 21 Jul 2009 at 4:19 pm AndyS

I think Neil’s learned this ‘people pretending to be something they aren’t’ lesson the hard way. possibly when 18 year old luci from streatham hill turned out to be barry the trucker from the rhondda valley
on 21 Jul 2009 at 4:19 pm Mr Cat

i bet voltaire reason applauds between movements too

Conjures unpleasant images of HYSers being potty trained
on 21 Jul 2009 at 4:20 pm Matt - BSc, MPhil, PhD (pending)

M.D. isn’t a medical degree in the U.K., here we use M.B. or B.M.. He’s not even any good at faking it!
on 21 Jul 2009 at 4:37 pm Simon

I have commented previously on the ease with which people online claim qualifications to which they are not entitled to make their rubbish seem more credible. It is possible Dr Norris is doing this.

Neil,
Are you really that slow?
See the about page.
BTW,that’s a rhetorical question.

I shall now imagine you like this
on 21 Jul 2009 at 4:38 pm Simon

@Matt,

M.D. isn’t a medical degree in the U.K

You beat me to it.
Bastard.
on 21 Jul 2009 at 4:39 pm That Bloke in the Corner OBE MBE MC DFC (bar) BA MA PHD MD BSC GCE GCSE CSE BTec

“I have commented previously on the ease with which people online claim qualifications to which they are not entitled to make their rubbish seem more credible. It is possible Dr Norris is doing this.”

I cannot believe people would be so dishonest as to make their qualifications up-what is this broken Britain coming to?
on 21 Jul 2009 at 4:40 pm burnel

I just glanced at Neil Craig’s blog, he’s already written a 2000 word essay for fun this afternoon, it’s quite possible that he doesn’t realise that this site is for taking the piss.
on 21 Jul 2009 at 4:41 pm That Bloke in the Corner OBE MBE MC DFC (bar) BA MA PHD MD BSC GCE GCSE CSE BTec

2000 word essay for fun! the pussy 4000 is more a mansize essay
on 21 Jul 2009 at 4:42 pm things a chav would say

i think neil craig should fuck off
on 21 Jul 2009 at 4:45 pm That Bloke in the Corner

Things a Chav would say to Neil Craig
“give us the fucking money out tha till comic book guy or I’ll stick ya, ya noncy paedo innit”
on 21 Jul 2009 at 4:45 pm Philbert

I had whatever once, never did me any harm.
on 21 Jul 2009 at 4:51 pm things neil craig would say to a chav

please…take the comics ….but have mercy and dont take my spunked up keyboard
on 21 Jul 2009 at 4:51 pm That Bloke in the Corner

@Philbert I found ointment to be a marvellous help for the whatever and Lucozade
on 21 Jul 2009 at 4:52 pm That Bloke in the Corner

Things most customers in the shop would say to Neil Craig
“can I have a copy of your finest Manga Midget porn from under the counter?”
on 21 Jul 2009 at 4:55 pm things neil craig would say to customers who asked for manga midget porn

yes and you can have 20% off as the pages are stuck together
on 21 Jul 2009 at 4:56 pm That Bloke in the Corner

“I am Working class in origins ,I tried to get my very bright polite intelligent daughters into a private school
Lets just say that even though they passed the exams they didnt get in

The result zilch zero, Lets just say Money talks
The system favours affulant who send kids to the clique schools who know someone who gives them a good job etc ad infinitum the Old boys network

Money talks allways has allways will in the class driven private club Clique that runs the nation”

voltaire Reason, stoke on trent

See told you he was a frightful oik!
on 21 Jul 2009 at 5:00 pm db

probably they didn’t get in to cliquey high as they inherited their retarded father’s spelling genes
on 21 Jul 2009 at 5:06 pm Nelson

Can you all stop harassing Neil Craig just for being Neil Craig? He’s a climate change denier, right-wing loon and apparently believes his blog is guiding the work of theoretical physics’ heaviest wizards. There’s really NO need for ad hominem attacks

The thing that was originally funny was that he thought somebody here decided his opinion was worth suppressing. Reading through the comments since then, that doesn’t seem quite so daft now.

Oh, and he *is* right about the BBC being a propaganda machine. He’s just a bit confused about whose propaganda it is.
on 21 Jul 2009 at 5:14 pm RadiatorLizard

my very bright polite intelligent daughters

I suspect he is actually talking about his fingers. He calls them his daughters for the incestuous frisson. It would also explain why the school wouldn’t accept them.
on 21 Jul 2009 at 5:41 pm My Foot Hurts.

I agree with Lord Nelson on the Neil Craig thing. In fact, I was pleasantly surprised that he’d posted a sensible comment* – it felt almost as though we were bringing him into the fold, like a prodigal son. Now he’ll be all distraught, poor thing.

* Neil, that is, not Nelson.
on 21 Jul 2009 at 5:50 pm Bit Special AKA La Spesh

@Simon – was just reading today’s comments on the bus home. When I clicked through to your pic of Neil Craig, I laughed out loud. Not a quick ‘ha!’, mind, which would’ve been bad enough, but a bellowing ‘A-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!’, followed by uncontrollable snorting. Yeah, cheers, now I am nearly as big a freak and social outcast as the man himself!

(Sorry Nelson)

I think Voltaire Reason’s daughters got a provisional place at private school but then came the parents’ interview…

PS Don’t mock the woman who is pregnant and scared of swine flu. Yes she’s being ignorant but all sorts of official websites are going ‘Women! If you so much as have a runny nose, you must never think of having a child EVER or, if you are already pregnant, then you and it are going to die or it’ll be a horribly mangled freak of nature if you survive’. It’s really quite depressing. Am surprised that the Daily Heil hasn’t found a way to blame single mothers and/or women over 35 trying for babies for swine flu yet.
on 21 Jul 2009 at 5:55 pm My Foot Hurts.

Just had a look on Neil’s blog and take back my comment. The whiney twat has posted someone’s home address just because he disagreed with his comments, which is Just Not On.

Good old Alex has given him a telling off, but personally I think we should just pretend the little cuntwheeze doesn’t exist (Neil, that is, not Alex).
on 21 Jul 2009 at 7:38 pm Kelvin

The whiney twat has posted someone’s home address

Not to diminish the shittiness of that act, but it would have been a lot worse if he’d posted it somewhere people who actually see it.
on 21 Jul 2009 at 7:38 pm Kelvin

Somewhere people would actually see it, even.
on 21 Jul 2009 at 7:40 pm Pirate Pete

would proberly result in a clobbering from a feral gang or the macho shaven headed thugs who congregrate outside pubs

Now that shivers my timbers – Gobbler you can have the lanky one at the back, I’ll have the one with the big arms covered in tattoos – in fact, him and his unshaven friend wearing the England shirt
on 21 Jul 2009 at 7:41 pm Vole

Well, you can prove anything with facts.
on 21 Jul 2009 at 7:41 pm Pirate Pete

*scribbles this down in his big log of ‘homosexual fantasies’ before he forgets it…*
on 21 Jul 2009 at 7:54 pm Funny Peculiar

I sympathise utterly with the pregnant women one. Preggy women are pumped to the top of their cranium with gallons of hormones and have the ever-approaching prospect of squeezing a large coconut out of their love tunnel. Preggy women are allowed to be irrational.

Sit around on drugs for nine months, knowing you’ve got to shit out a bowling ball at the end of it, then laugh at preggy women.

/lecture
on 21 Jul 2009 at 8:27 pm Funny Peculiar

There’s really NO need for ad hominem attacks [on Neil Craig] – Nelson

But… he’s not a hominid. He’s a Hippopotamus’s Hairy Hard-on Holster.
on 21 Jul 2009 at 8:28 pm Felix Castor

I for one am glad of Dr Norris’ expertise, and count myself fortunate that some minor police misunderstandings regarding his brave attempts to inject life-saving chemicals into a popular but doomed king of pop have led to his temporary retreat to the slums of Merseyside.
on 21 Jul 2009 at 8:31 pm Felix Castor

And, please God, enough of the Neil Craig abuse.

His blog is extremely funny, the jibes on here less so.
on 21 Jul 2009 at 8:51 pm Twisted Pair

Fact 1: Swine flu was let out into the open by pharmaceutical companies.

Fact 3: The vaccine is not out yet because pharmaceutical cartels are trying to fix the price at the moment.

So … pharmaceutical companies go to all the trouble of inventing a not-very-dangerous new virus just to profit from the vaccine, but they’re too busy arguing over the price to put the vaccine on the market when the virus goes pandemic and the world media is apoplectic?

No wonder their vaccines are shit.
on 21 Jul 2009 at 9:09 pm Nelson

Jesus. I just visited Neil’s blog Sorry everyone, I hadn’t quite realised what a fool he’s being.

I now don’t think it’s worth trying to argue with him at all. Not that it stopped me trying.
on 21 Jul 2009 at 9:27 pm Alex

Fuuuuucking Hell Kelvin it’s good to have you back. Ham!

On the subject of Neil Craig, yeah he’s a nasty little shit for posting someone’s home address, but I don’t think we should be mean to him just for trying to join in the fun here.
on 21 Jul 2009 at 9:50 pm Bit Special AKA La Spesh

Hippopotamus’s Hairy Hard-on Holster

Love this one, FP. May have to refer to the female genitalia as 4H from now on.

PS Sometimes human baybeez come out too!
on 21 Jul 2009 at 10:00 pm The D.G. of the B.B.C.

the ease with which people online claim qualifications to which they are not entitled to make their rubbish seem more credible – Neil Craig.

Oh I say, is that silly little man still here? My God, it was better in the old days, when the BBC didn’t have to kow-tow to every beastly bit of social wreckage who wandered in, clutching their copy of the Idiot’s Charter. Confound the man, why can’t we just shoot NOSP like him and have done? Oooh, half a mo, here’s a wheeze, maybe we can get him arrested for treason or terrorism or something? I’ll phone Boris, he’s always ready to help an old school chum.
on 21 Jul 2009 at 11:05 pm pigfrottage

I didn’t cut your arms off by the way. Or try to repair them using ham

Doesn’t work. I’ve tried it.
on 22 Jul 2009 at 12:17 am That Bloke in the corner

Can we crown Neil as King of HYS, having spent a hour on his blog (that I won’t be getting back trawling through his archives) I have to say unless Joy and Topsy Turvy re-appear Neil gets the crown-All hail Neil
on 22 Jul 2009 at 12:28 am wringhim

The GMC has an online searchable register of all Registered Medical Practitioners in the UK. There are three people with surname Norris and a forename Michael, but none of them has an MD (not surprising, as it’s not usual for British doctors to have one, as has been mentioned). Therefore we can deduce that either Norris has been struck off or is lying. This is a shame, as I was going to report him to the GMC if he existed.
on 22 Jul 2009 at 12:48 am Pirate Pete

Before I retire to my cabin for the night, I will just add that, in addition to it’s contents, Neil’s blog is the ugliest thing I think I have ever seen, barring the second mate, “Four Stumps” Jack
on 22 Jul 2009 at 1:07 am Bit Special AKA La Spesh

“Four Stumps” Jack

Don’t try to pretend you don’t put all four to good use.
on 22 Jul 2009 at 1:11 am Bit Special AKA La Spesh

PS GAARRRRHHH, I be following ye on Twitter now.
on 22 Jul 2009 at 2:05 am Mr Tickle (damply)

“This conjures an imagine of Kate Humble bending over (steady)”

Too late, dammit!
on 22 Jul 2009 at 2:27 am Mr Tickle

“Fact 5: Big Pharma and THE MAN have been hiding the cure to the common cold in plain sight for the last four decades under the brand name “Domestos””

Uh, Scaryduck, I think you might have made that up. I have a slight cold, and tried the Domestos cure.

I’m now trying to clean the vomit out of my keyboard. While vomiting. In fact, I may be dying, probably of “whatever”. Huh – Tony Blair, eh?
on 22 Jul 2009 at 2:42 am Clovis Sangrail

I’ve bin away – can I just say, Neil Craig made it all worthwhile coming back. Cracking.
on 22 Jul 2009 at 8:34 am Post Modern Post Blairite Post England not Post UK

I reckon Dr Norris is a dammed dirty liar and I challenge him to a duel.
on 22 Jul 2009 at 8:55 am Offal

@ Mr Cat:

“China
Quarantine and face masks

Uk
Leaflets
phonelines
as for masks
Gief…the ugly betty & chav brigade wont be seen with last months mobile never mind a paper mask
In uk wearing a face mask would proberly result in a clobbering from a feral gang or the macho shaven headed thugs who congregrate outside pubs smoking
tabloids &media has destroyed all public confidence in the system & the system has too by its blairite dumbing down of a ignorant regressive society in free fall

Voltaire Reason, stoke on trent”

Fantastic spot. Reminds me of Joyce’s Ulysses.
on 22 Jul 2009 at 9:00 am jbd

I don’t contribute anything to this site, and only comment at random intervals ( I have better things to do, well I think of better things to do, when I’m not doing them, then I don’t do them as I have wasted too much time thinking of them) but can I be a Hooray Henry who works for the BBC. You can do it Nelson and co. I am good with numbers, like being around people, good communication skills and I have a Advanced GNVQ in Media Studies. I await your reply.
on 22 Jul 2009 at 9:18 am RadiatorLizard

@ Bit Special and Funny Peculiar

I know there has been conflicting advice and general scaremongering bullshit, but being pregnant (or indeed “pregant” as the lady chooses to call it) is no excuse for stupidity. I mean, she might as well have ended her statement with “LOL!!!!111!!!”
on 22 Jul 2009 at 9:21 am Pirate Pete

Btw I don’t know whether anyone listens to it, but on last week’s ‘The Now Show’ on Radio4, Huge Dennis referenced the insane ‘woman is derived from man’ HYS post that Nelson used last week.

I wonder whether we have BBC researchers lurking here to nick all the stuff that Nelson spots so they don’t have to trawl through pages of mad mind spurts on the site itself…
on 22 Jul 2009 at 9:37 am framlington

“Fact 2. People are panicking”

Hang on a cotton-picking minute. Despite the best efforts of just about every livid headline in every newspaper in the country, people are generally taking the sensible attitude of “So what’s for tea then?”

Perhaps the good Doctor should get back to diagnosing skin-failure and treating it with hypnosis of the liver.
on 22 Jul 2009 at 9:54 am Funny Peculiar

RadLizard… being pregnant (or indeed “pregant” as the lady chooses to call it) is no excuse for stupidity.

Actually, it is. Preggy women’s brains are affected by being pregnant. My wife, (normally a high-IQ, chartered architect with a fizzing, sharp brain), at times during pregnancy was a dizzy emotional fluff-head who burst into tears over the smallest things.

“Sainsburys didn’t have any r..r..red aaaaaapples *sob*.”

“The’s baby’s going to be brain damaged ‘cos I h..h..had a glass of w..w..wiiiine *sob* I’m a terrible mother. *sob*”

“Oh, look at the baby ducks… *sob* *sob* *sob* *sob* *massive panic attack*”

etc
on 22 Jul 2009 at 9:55 am Throbbe

Oh marvelous, not only are we all Hooray Henry BBCistas, now we’re all Hugh ‘Huge’ Dennis too.

Can I at least be Rob Newman.

PS This be a repost. I’m not sure if Nelson is censoring my posts a la Craigy*, or I’ve just done something moronic like posting on the wrong thread.

* I’ve decided to adopt him as a friend. He needs one. It is traditional where I come from (Suffolk) to add -y (or at a pinch -o) to the surname of your friends to produce a nickname. I have no idea why.
on 22 Jul 2009 at 9:59 am jbd

No Throbbe, your Steve Punt.
on 22 Jul 2009 at 10:00 am Funny Peculiar

Throbby, can I be Marcus Brigstock then?
on 22 Jul 2009 at 10:08 am A Man of Kent

I reckon I could have Marcus Brigstock in a fight, a mate of mine reckons I couldn’t, but I reckon I could.
on 22 Jul 2009 at 10:19 am RadiatorLizard

@ Funny Peculiar

I assumed it was just an excuse for irrationality, like most female behaviours. Looks like women are even more rubbish and unfit-for-purpose than I suspected.

Oh God, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean that *sob* Must be the hormones

“Oh, look at the baby ducks… *sob* *sob* *sob* *sob* *massive panic attack*”

Actually, that sounds like me on a good day. Lord help all in the vicinity should I ever gestate spawn.
on 22 Jul 2009 at 10:21 am Bit Special AKA La Spesh

Look, I fancy both Rob Newman AND Marcus Brigstocke; please be comedians I don’t have a massive crush on. Thank you.

@FP – you heart her lots, don’t you? Aww.

@Clovis – welcome back! Better make sure Pirate Pete sends out The Minging Mermaid to get you aboard The Cormorant’s Clunge with the rest of us!
on 22 Jul 2009 at 10:40 am Funny Peculiar

If the government had curbed immigration the knife crime would be greatly reduced most knife crimes are committed by immigrants , but of course you wont pass this because its the truth
John 4, EAST SUSSEX

John, aged 4 apprently, sets the tone for another clash of intellectuals on HYS.
on 22 Jul 2009 at 10:54 am Bit Special AKA La Spesh

@radiator lizard – I know what you mean about the baby ducks. I started crying the other day at the gym because of an ad for cancer research on the tv. Then again because I saw a bald hedgehog on some dire animal rescue-style programme later. And then again because TYF had used all the foil* and the shops were shut. Erm, this isn’t spoiling my image as a bitter, heartless misanthrope, is it?

PS I am a ‘dizzy, emotional fluff-head’ most of the time. Except I call it ‘Not Having Aspergers’.
*For hats, obviously.
on 22 Jul 2009 at 10:56 am Nelson

Btw I don’t know whether anyone listens to it, but on last week’s ‘The Now Show’ on Radio4, Huge Dennis referenced the insane ‘woman is derived from man’ HYS post that Nelson used last week.

I wonder whether we have BBC researchers lurking here to nick all the stuff that Nelson spots so they don’t have to trawl through pages of mad mind spurts on the site itself…

And they used Alex’s “I’m 80 years old and that’s exactly what I fought for” post in the same show. Pretty much beyond doubt that they’re SYB readers.

I just wish all the comments weren’t taken from the BBC site in the first place. Then I could get uppity about them nicking them

In other news, Neil Craig is censoring my comment on his blog. Well either that, or he’s just too busy to go through his moderation queue. But I’m pretty sure I’m massively important and my opinions are very dangerous so the “censoring” thing is much more likely.
on 22 Jul 2009 at 11:03 am Funny Peculiar

In other news, Neil Craig is censoring my comment on his blog. Nelson

And mine. I was having much fun paralleling his nutty conspiracy beliefs with ‘Moon Landing Hoax’ conspiracy beliefs. I sent three posts highlighting various similarities (yes, I’m a saddo). He only printed the third one. i.e. he must have received and jumped over the first two. For a man who constantly hammers on about the right to be heard, he’s got a funny way of showing it.
on 22 Jul 2009 at 11:07 am Serotonin

I seem to have missed all the Neil Criag drama, but having been to his site and read the massive thread where he claimed that SYB is run by the BBC, and failed to understand any of the responses as to how the internet works, my only response is what an utter twat.
on 22 Jul 2009 at 11:09 am Mr Cat

In other news, Neil Craig is censoring my comment on his blog.

Who is Neil Craig?

Is he as funny as the man from nowhere?

Can`t help wondering why it happened in time when the worlds gov,banks ect are under the microscope and it did not come during the good times ok during it we had other virus threats that came to nothing but again we were in wars dodgy ones.Is it just to focus away from reality to make us worry about our own and family well being as that would comes first before money and others as killed in dodgy wars.And to put in place more of the new world order that you read about.

manfromnowhere, Hillingdon

I think not. End of!
on 22 Jul 2009 at 11:10 am Knife crime with a free PS3

I’m Hugh Dennis and so is wife.
on 22 Jul 2009 at 11:11 am Knifer crimer with a free PS3

I’m Hugh Dennis and so is my wife.

[Hmm, I think I need a lot more caffeine - my first attempt at that completely failed. How I got to be a famous comedian is completely beyond me].
on 22 Jul 2009 at 11:26 am jbd

Can I be David Baddiel.
on 22 Jul 2009 at 11:37 am Funny Peculiar

[Swine Flu] it just to focus away from reality to make us worry… And to put in place more of the new world order that you read about.
manfromnowhere, Hillingdon

hmmm… you see, there’s the chink in the argument, ManFromNowhere. If there truly were a massive global conspiracy of ruthless self-serving all-powerful Jews/Industrialists/Lizards/Comedians/Libruls/Whatever, who can release pandemic viruses and control absolutely everything, THEN YOU WOULDN’T BE ALLOWED TO FUCKING READ ABOUT IT, WOULD YOU?

GAH! GNAH! GAARRGH! URRRGH! KIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLLL HIIIIIIIIIIIIIM! no no noooo eeeeasy boy. deep breaths. phew.
on 22 Jul 2009 at 11:39 am Charles Exford, Oxton

I’m not a Dokta, nor have I ever pretended to be one in order to become a member of an exclusive golf club, but was anyone else amused by the fact that the piece on the BBC news about the Heathen Chinee quarantining BRITISH yoof for having been exposed to Pig Plague was fronted by Chris Hogg?

Just me, then.
on 22 Jul 2009 at 11:59 am RadiatorLizard

@ La Spesh

It’s quite possible to spend a disproportionate amount of your life cooing at small fluffy animals and still be a raging misanthrope – I’m living proof of that.

And yes, charity adverts can be a nightmare. At the first sign of that Dogs’ Trust one, I have to dive for the remote in order to avert Alice Cooper-ing.
on 22 Jul 2009 at 12:52 pm Simon

Can I be Bernard Manning?
on 22 Jul 2009 at 1:03 pm Bernard Manning

You racist bastard
on 22 Jul 2009 at 1:10 pm Jim Davidson

At least I’m a live racist bastard.
And a misogonist to boot.
Bernard Manning 1 : 3 Jim Davidson
on 22 Jul 2009 at 2:16 pm Neil Craig

Strangely enough my post here, saying that Nelson’s post saying that I had censored his post on my blog, was untrue, seems to have been censored from here – again.

However Nelson, being a reputable citizen, will obviously have already posted another post here apologhising that his previous post was untrue. Oops – it isn’t here – has it been censored?
on 22 Jul 2009 at 2:21 pm Rosie

Oh bore off, Neil. You paranoid, delusional buffoon.
on 22 Jul 2009 at 2:27 pm Ben

I can’t be the only one who thinks that the word post has lost all meaning now, after Neil’s post about his post being censored because of Nelson’s post about an untrue post.
on 22 Jul 2009 at 2:37 pm My Foot Hurts.

Nelson, stop censoring the poor man with your lightning fast censorship skills, removing his posts before they even appear on this entirely unmoderated comment-appear-as-soon-as-you-submit-it* blog.

You’re making him look like a sad, paranoid, friendless freak.

* is that the technical term?
on 22 Jul 2009 at 3:08 pm Nelson

I think “post-moderated” or “reactively moderated” are the terms. Though they both imply I might actually “moderate” stuff, which I never do, as everyone except poor Neil seems to understand.

I’ve posted another thing on Neil’s blog that’s not there yet either. There’s only 320,235 explanations for this, and I don’t believe any of them.
on 22 Jul 2009 at 3:43 pm Ben

320,235, eh? Call me paranoid, but it seems a big coincidence that you would choose that number…

If the Mayan calendar is right, the world is going to end in 2012, which when multiplied by 3 (the real value of pi, until the jew-tocracy took over), and added to the number of mistakes in the “moon landing”, is 52.60101084. Which, coincidentally was the exact age of Christopher Reeve when he died.

Or did he?
on 22 Jul 2009 at 4:22 pm Nelson

Come on Neil, hurry up and approve my latest post, or I’ll just post it here where people will actually see it.
on 22 Jul 2009 at 4:29 pm Serotonin

*CENSORED*

By order of Nelson, BBC TV Studios, London.
on 22 Jul 2009 at 4:32 pm Kelvin

Come on Neil, hurry up and approve my latest post, or I’ll just post it here where people will actually see it.

I wouldn’t bother Nelson. If he doesn’t feel like posting it he’ll just screech hysterically about how you never sent a post and now you’re just being a fraud.

Of course had we said the same about his “censored” posts he’d say we were lying liars full of lies and lieness.

In some ways it feels like Neil will disagree with anything, as long as it gives him the chance to be Right On The Internet.
on 22 Jul 2009 at 4:37 pm Serotonin

Thats because Neil is a grade A internet loony Kelvin. His blog reads like the scribblings of the green ink brigade.
on 22 Jul 2009 at 4:40 pm Kelvin

Thats because Neil is a grade A internet loony

That’s a bit harsh, isn’t it?

He’s grade B at best.
on 22 Jul 2009 at 5:03 pm Throbbe

Serotonin. I feel you might be being a little too generous. Green crayon, def info.
on 22 Jul 2009 at 5:35 pm Neil Craig

“screech hysterically about how you never sent a post and now you’re just being a fraud.

Of course had we said the same about his “censored” posts he’d…”

You did Kelvin
on 22 Jul 2009 at 6:21 pm Daley Mayle

Neil Craig, are you actually 6 and that picture on the website is of your Granddad?
on 22 Jul 2009 at 7:35 pm Ed aka Kelvin

Nelson,

Further technical problems. Now the comments RSS feed (http://ifyoulikeitsomuchwhydontyougolivethere.com/comments/feed/) is dropping posts, at least as seen on Google Reader. For instance, “Sensible Skeptic”‘s post showed on here but not on GR.
on 22 Jul 2009 at 8:27 pm alt-f4

I am Working class in origins ,I tried to get my very bright polite intelligent daughters into a private school….

…and failed.

Conclusion: Somebody else is to blame.
on 23 Jul 2009 at 1:09 am Loop

[Swine Flu] it just to focus away from reality to make us worry… And to put in place more of the new world order that you read about.
manfromnowhere, Hillingdon

hmmm… you see, there’s the chink in the argument, ManFromNowhere. If there truly were a massive global conspiracy of ruthless self-serving all-powerful Jews/Industrialists/Lizards/Comedians/Libruls/Whatever, who can release pandemic viruses and control absolutely everything, THEN YOU WOULDN’T BE ALLOWED TO FUCKING READ ABOUT IT, WOULD YOU?

GAH! GNAH! GAARRGH! URRRGH! KIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLLL HIIIIIIIIIIIIIM! no no noooo eeeeasy boy. deep breaths. phew.

No no, dear; it’s called plausible deniability! Simply, you do the opposite of what the raving unwashed masses say you’re doing and THEY look like the fools!

I mean, us BBC-folk… I mean, Nelson et al, are doing it brilliantly – by *not* moderating anything here, we’re making Mister Neil ‘People Told People Where My Shop Is And This Is Bad because advertising Is Presumably The Tool Of The Devil” Craig look like the gibbering loon.

… and yes, Typing Like This has made me feel all sullied and dirty. I shall hasten to the flogging room and prostrate myself to the merciful Grammarati.
on 23 Jul 2009 at 1:10 am Loop

… those block quotes don’t look quite right, but fuck it, it was my first time.

Now if only I could say the same about my virginity.
on 23 Jul 2009 at 9:38 am Spiggy Topes

This will be a police thing on Tuesday
on 23 Jul 2009 at 11:53 am Funny Peculiar

Strangely enough my post here, saying that Nelson’s post saying that I had censored his post on my blog, was untrue, seems to have been censored from here – again. Neil Craig

You don’t mind testing the reader’s patience, do you Neil?
on 23 Jul 2009 at 1:16 pm Neil Craig

Nope.
I’m told this site is here to laugh at people & by golly its working.
on 23 Jul 2009 at 9:34 pm Egbs Smelly Sox

Yes, but not in the way I suspect you intend to mean.
on 24 Jul 2009 at 11:10 am Voltaire reason

Bigots

have a nice day

creeps
on 24 Jul 2009 at 1:06 pm My Foot Hurts.

Three HYSers in as many weeks! We’ll be outnumbered if this carries on.

Hi, Voltaire reason. Welcome to the site.

Incidentally, Dave Blake’s comment hasn’t yet been deleted by the BBC. It’s like some kind of weird interent magic – the comment exists here… AND on the BBC site AT THE SAME TIME.

Frankly, I’m spooked (not literally).
on 24 Jul 2009 at 2:30 pm Funny Peculiar

Yaaaay Voltaire! How y’ doin’? One of HYS’s finest. We’re honoured. Come on in, pick and give us your ‘thoughts’. In the immortal words of our St David Mitchell, “Let us enjoy the full majesty of your uniformed, ad hoc reckon.”

Put us liberal nonces in our place.

But, please, don’t try to call the police if it all goes wrong, 1984ReturnsForReal had a bash at that one. It was a bit of backfiring plan, if we’re honest.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OQnd5ilKx2Y

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6YkAuDaLKpI&feature=related
on 24 Jul 2009 at 10:04 pm Admiral Grovworth, III

Bigots

have a nice day

creeps

He seems undecided. I imagine the post would continue:

I like you

idiots

lets be frends

fasists

fancy a nice cup of tea?
on 01 Aug 2009 at 10:17 am Doc Rods

Oh bless this poor fake Dr, watching too many episodes of House, not realising that M.D is not a medical qualification in this country, we get given MBBS or similar. Leave him to enjoy wanking over Grey’s Anatomy

"If you love Iraq so much..
why don't you go live there?"

135 Responses to “Definitely A Real Doctor”

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spEak You're bRanes

"If you love Iraq so much.. why don't you go live there?"

135 Responses to “Definitely A Real Doctor”

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"If you love Iraq so much..
why don't you go live there?"