Jamie found this one on Afghanistan:
No modern human army, navy or air force can win this war as they are fighting animals who like chamelians can disappear at will and reappear in a different place in different numbers with full gorrilla tendencies. They are being trained in our own country and seem to have far greater resources than the British fighting forces. GB is making them go into battle with 1 arm tied behind their backs-right equipment & vehicles denied. Bring them home while we still can.
Margaret Hart, Redcar, United Kingdom
Why didn’t Bush take into account those mystic Afghans and their Taliban super-powers? Now we’re stuck fighting magical shape-shifting animals with the camouflage powers of a chameleon, the strength, tree-swinging ability and hit-and-run tactics of a gorilla, the teleportation powers of an octopus and the constantly-varying numbers of a swarm of killer bees of indeterminate size. Meanwhile our troops have the missing arm of a spider caught under a glass, and the equipment shortages of a poorly-funded wallaby. You’re right Margaret, I don’t know how we’re going to win this.
58 Responses to “Zoo Wars”
Now I’m wondering what wallabies would buy if you did give them the proper funding. Pouch accessories?
What…
GB is making them go into battle with 1 arm tied behind their backs-right equipment & vehicles denied.
…have the vehicles denied doing?
And can we be sure they’re telling the truth? Perhaps they’re helping the gorillas?
I didn’t realise we had gorillas training as terrorists in the UK. Quick send in the unmanned vehicles.
are the camels at whipsnade acceptable collateral damage? Or even the chamelians?
Talking of chamelians, why can I picture a camel that can change to fit the surroundings?
“with full gorrilla tendencies”
Love it – what d’ya reckon this means? Something to do with bananas maybe?
Ironically enough, I just watched Predator the other night.
If Arnie only narrowly escaped, what chance does Prince Harry have?
There’s only one thing for it….It’s time to send in the Duke of Edinburgh.
I agree with burnel. If the Talibanists had a good solid award scheme to focus their energies on, such as that provided by the Duke of Edinburgh, then this war would be over sooner rather than never.
It may be against the Geneva Convention but just imagine it…
Bonehead with his Taliban destroying range of racial epithets and the ability to focus the rays of the sun off his shining bonce into a beam of such intensity that no Johnnie Foreigner can withstand it. And if that wasn’t enough, there’s his son, Big Ears with the power to cause typhoons, hurricanes and tornadoes at will, with one flap of his mighty lobes and, to provide succour to our own warriors, his healing power of homeopathy and magical range of luxury biscuits.
Reports that corgis have been used on Taliban prisoners may safely be dismissed as enemy propaganda.
So, as well as being bonkers, Margaret Hart knows nothing about animals!
Is it relevant that there are no decent zoos in the North East of England?
If I’m right.
Afghanistan is indeed a sticky wicket, Margaret, can’t argue with that.
Don’t worry though because they’ve got free and fair elections coming up. No doubt the healing power of democracy will transform the place into a sandy version of the home counties within a few short years.
Unless of course they vote Taliban, the ungrateful anthropomorphic fucks.
“No modern human army, navy or air force can win this war”
Then we should stop sending the modern human army, navy and air force.
Let us send the ye olde worlde clockwork soldiers and lego boats to get this one sorted.
Win?
It’s not about winning. The British blah forces (bless ‘em) have already lost twice up the Khyber, historically speaking. If they can lose this one as well, they get to keep the match ball.
That’s worth fighting for.
” navy or air force can win this war”
Being landlocked I don’t think the Navy have got much to do there, or are they moored off Pakistan with a crack regiment of the PG Tips chimps to take on those Gorilla’s. And free ans fair elections next year? any one told Neil, he may have a good chance of getting 81 votes there.
How about we retaliate with our own animal allies? Mating urban foxes for psychological warfare, viciously dive-bombing seagulls and badger packs heavily infected with TB. Chuck in that Welsh goat too. Goats are just plain nasty.
It’s fine, I’m a fictional veternarian.
I never knew bonehead was a racist. I shall destroy copy of definitely maybe forthwith.
They’ve got far greater resources? Could have fooled me – these gorillas (does she actually mean guerillas?) are quite accurate at throwing their own shit too… i’ll let them show my contempt for Margaret’s opinion. I can’t be arsed to do it myself because I feel like crap
May be the dreaded SF 
Teleporting shape-shifting gorillas. We’re all fucked. Next thing you know they’ll teleport straight into the DSS and start claiming asylum.
“teleport straight into the DSS”
Chris I hate to tell you this but the 1980′s are over.
“GB is making them go into battle with 1 arm tied behind their backs”
Cripes, have they changed the uniform again? Next, it’ll be one leg strapped up and playing British Bulldog for the Empire. Unless the gorillas get us first.
Although… they seemed to treat David Attenborough fairly well.
Yes markie. Apparently we’re now in the middle of the pedantries.
“Chris I hate to tell you this but the 1980’s are over.”
No, you’re wrong. 1984 has returned for real.
You’re only saying that because you support child-rape and Nazis and genocide.
I demand that you apologise for something I just thought of.
And by “you” I mean “someone I imagined earlier or someone I might meet later”.
I think they should use quieter bombs, or to really keep the noise down might it better to use gas?
Tell that to Johnny Morris.
It’s getting very hard to know how many conversations I’m having. I think it’s less than 1 but I lost count.
Sending our own problem species over to fight the gorillas and camel lions is an excellent idea. We should scoop up a crack platoon of grey squirrels and feral pigeons immediately and ship them over. I guarantee that within a week the Taliban will have swapped their Kalashnikovs for bags of nuts and grain and would instead all be taking photos of each other crouching down making kissy noises.
Peace in our time! (and fewer tree rats, and less bird poo everywhere)
Gorillas are less of a worry than shame-lions.
I seem to be having a beneficial influence here – somebody who notices my words has actually thought sufficiently deeply on the subject to notice that our navy is unlikely to be able to liberate Afghan waters.
I think our troops should stay there until the late Mr bin Laden has been killed.
is he joking? or is he just a twat? it’s all so delightfully post-ironic, i may just write a fucking musical or something
Thanks for the new thread. I am worried by our soldiers fighting animals. Maybe they should fight those Taliban chaps instead?
Loonpants. The Navy actually sails up the Helmand river when the rains come in jolly little boats. I know this because my naval-type sister* with her naval-type moustache is currently there waiting for the monsoon season and a ticket out.
Hrmph. I *think* the name “Navy” comes because they generally start out on boats, not because they only actually ever fight on boats. That could get a bit messy, like Under Siege.
* I know – women in the armed forces. Anyone noticed we haven’t had a good war since they allowed that kind of thing?
There not mutually exclusive.
I think he’s joking a bit (as far as he’s capable – which isn’t very far really) and he’s a twat.
they’re – cockmonkeys
Teleportation, invisibility, super-powered gorilla attacks…Jesus H. Christ! Just who are we up against in Afghanistan…the fucking X-Men?
How are our brave boys supposed to fight cockmonkeys? Oh, is that what the women officers are for?
Relax, I’m a misogynist.
Wouldn’t Mr Bin Laden already be dead if described as late? Think about it 81!!!
I had a cockmonkey once.
His name was Neil Craig.
I hated that cockmonkey.
So I smashed it’s face in.
Hey, fucking chill out! We’re about cruel and merciless piss-taking here, not yobbish violence.
Sorry, got carried away. Had just finished reading his website and felt like perpetrating some yobbish violence on him.
“Finished” or just couldn’t take any more?
It was hard work but I managed about 40 minutes before I noticed my left hand drawing a blade towards my throat.
How did this individual get 81 people to vote for him?
Actually Margaret is a visionary without compare.
Obviously we should be breeding a super-army of cloned Neanderthals. thecats’mother can provide the initial breeding stock.
i don’t know much about gorillas because i’m not signourney weaver.
“It was hard work but I managed about 40 minutes before I noticed my left hand drawing a blade towards my throat. ”
40 minutes? Fucking hell, I was ready to give up the second I saw the horribly misaligned images spilling out underneath Neil’s ‘clever’ introductory text.
Dear Speak your Braners,
I am a SCIENTIST and I feel I must apologise. You have for this past week suffering from an unintentional side effect of my tax payer funded SCIENCE experiment, testing the hypothesis that an infinite amount of monkeys on an infinite amount of typewriters can after an infinite amount of time produce the complete works of Shakespeare.
Unfortunately due to budgetary and time constraints our lab was limited to four diseased geriatric orang-utans, a hamster and a second hand Dell laptop. Even more unfortunately the primates and the rodent (between flinging shit at each other) were able to gain access to a working internet connection allowing them to create the gestalt identity “Neill Craig”.
While the damn vegetarian ‘elf and safety crowd won’t let us disconnect them citing cruelty to animal regulations, I must assure you that all opinions and blogs created by Dunston, Lucy, Clyde and Richard Gere do not reflect the opinions of Glasgow Zoo and are in fact the result of random pounding on a keyboard subject to spell checking by Microsoft©
Who wants to break it to Margaret that chameleons can’t ‘disappear and reappear somewhere else’?
Wel Mr scientist you were approaching half way to witty till you proved you couldn’t spell my name correctly.
Idiot
Neil, did you remove an ‘L’ from ‘well’ to make up for Mr Scientist’s superfluous one in your name?
Seeing as you’ve never managed to spell your bum-chum Secretariat’s name correctly, usually defaulting to “Sectariat” which makes him sound like some kind of bureaucratic loyalist, are we allowed to draw the same conclusion about you? Or is it only your name, like your opinions and your scientific “arguments” that really count?
Niel, Mr Scientist is spelled with a capital “S” – it’s a proper noun.
If you’re going to criticise someone for making a mistake, at least get your criticism right.
Good idea, I might start signing my posts too.
Awesome-monger.
Now that one actually is rather witty.
Neil, you have finally exceeded your amusingness threshold and gone full retard. Bonus points if you get what that’s a reference to. Double bonus points if you just fuck off.
Ed aka who cares
You seem to be losing it. Relax & enjoy.