spEak You're bRanes

There’s a thread up on “What are your plans for the Bank Holiday?” I can’t work out if these are intended as a test to see who can get angriest about spending a pleasant summer’s day away from work, as light relief from the weighty issues of contemporary politics or as a test to see who can get angriest at the very concept of light relief from politics (hint: it’s Topsy Turvy). Unsurprisingly, there’s a lot of smug shite like this:

Probably get my tax return form out and try and work out what I’ll be left with after the government has skinned me.

[unclegrumpy]

Fair enough. Whatever makes you unhappy.

And this:

I will be spending the holiday cleaning out the moat, painting the duckhouse and cutting back the wisteria.

Chris Oldershaw, Cenarth, Ceredigion, United Kingdom

Are you still on MPs’ expenses? Listen, if you’re getting low on material, maybe try clicking on the BBC News Front Page every couple of months instead of going straight to Have Your Say. Then maybe people will start talking to you again.

“This topic will start the usual miserable moaners off who will say that they are not going anywhere because :- 1) …..”
“Having had my say, I will not read any more of this topic until I come back – I’m going away for the weekend, and I’m not telling you where.”

Ron Anderson

Do you see what you’re doing here Ron?? You’re moaning about the moaners. That is even worse!

Glen Thomas

Haha! You’re right Glen! That’s exactly what he’s doing. I tell you what else though: read through your own post again and you’ll get a rather amusing surprise.

Challenge: Can you still be angry and whiny when we’ve won the mf Ashes? Thanks to Nick for this first one.

Exactly whose ashes are they that we seem to have “won”. Shouldn’t they be sprinkled in a garden of rememberance somewhere or do we have to give them back next year?
[Bompas], Northumberland, United Kingdom

Don’t worry Bompas, it’s only Brian Sewell in there.

A man called Freddy is really called Andrew, right, ok, I am with you so far. Now, explain the rules. I have got a couple of minutes to spare.
[Mrs_Sippy]

It’s not my responsibility to explain the rules to you. BUY A FUCKING TEA-TOWEL.

As much as I try, I can’t work out how England winning the Ashes should be a reason for a national celebration.

It has made no difference to my bank balance, my inability to afford a mortgage, and it hasn’t kicked out the Bulgarians who live upstairs from me.
Chao Chee Bai, Third world, United Kingdom

I’m afraid I can’t really offer much here. I mean, most bookies generally set quite long odds on England, so that might make you some money next time, but there’s not much I can suggest for your Bulgarian problem. The only thing that comes to mind is that you could invent your own sport based on something you’re already really good at, like being a self-absorbed racist gobshite, and instead of some burnt bits of wood, make the prize a house and a free ethnic cleansing worth £150. I hope that helps.

Anyone know anything about Burma? Thought not. But the BBC have put a Have Your Say thread up, and comment is compulsory. What can I say?

Who cares?

Anthony, WALES

A classic move from Anthony in Wales. But what if I don’t want to look like a self-absorbed bag of dicks? Maybe I could just say something generic:

I think the time has come to review the UN charter and make it more effective to tackle rogue regimes.

dv, Bellevue, WA ,USA

Yeah, that’s good. If you don’t mind dv, I might borrow that next time a country I haven’t heard of is on the news.

As a country we can
a) Invade
b) Make a loud noise
c) Do nothing and say nothing

[oldlankybill]

Fucking brilliant, I can use that for almost anything! I’ll go try it out right now on the Baby P debate.

The thing is though, I’m anti-war and have been for nearly a year, and these two both sound a bit belligerent. Does anyone have a post I can copy to reflect my strong feelings about Iraq?

Is there any oil in Burma?

No.

Nothing to worry about then.

Dan Roberts

PERFECT! I mean, I can’t use it for debates about Gaza or Afganistan, but next time the BBC asks me about Darfur or Venezuela or somewhere I’ll finally have something intelligent to say. I can’t wait!

Of course, if I was really proficient at ignorance like the most recommended comment, I could get a reference in to the axes I have to grind at home:

I see no difference to what is happening to Ms Suu Kyi, and what the mainstream parties and mainstream media are trying to do to the BNP.

Mrs Pontipine, rejected for telling the truth.

It’s worse when they do it to the BNP though, as they’re actually white. Even I knew that.

The death toll in Afghanistan has hit the sad milestone of 204. The death toll of people we actually care about I mean.

The rising death toll among british forces is horrendous. What does me is there seems to be an air of acceptance among the british people. I dont mind saying this but i wept last night. How many more soldiers are going to have to be sacrificed. How many are going to come home with shattered bodies and minds. How long is going to before the british get angry and demand the end to this carnage. RIP to the 380. You will always be in my thoughts.

steve orton, loughborough, United Kingdom

“I don’t mind saying this but I wept last night”? Ok so it’s good you’re man enough to admit it but what? YOU CALL THAT FUCKING GRIEF? You’ve ballooned the figure to nearly double and you STILL can’t do better than “I wept last night”. Do you even care about the troops, or are you just another tool of George Bush and the Taliban? Show him how it’s done, [philpeacerob]:

I WEEP for the families who have lost loved ones,I cry in ANGER when I hear Gordon Brown say we are fighting to keep Britain safer,and I cry in ANGER when I hear the Bob Ainsworth use the word ‘THEATER’ , His he ashamed to admit that it is a war zone, and his government are sending are troops into the killing fields, If he and any other MP are committed to the Afghan course, I suggest they go into ‘THEATER ‘
I will WEEP for joy when our boys are home, and this government is laid to rest

[philpeacerob], birmingham, United Kingdom

That’s more fucking like it! This guy blubs at established phrases like “theatre of war”. Beat THAT. Come on you fuckers! CRY FOR THE TROOPS! Do you love the Queen? Do you love Winston Churchill? Well then let’s see some fucking TEARS you PUSSIES! Yeah!

But it’s not all about raw emotion. Sometimes you need to take the rational approach.

I am a reasonably intelligent adult. I do not understand what we are doing in Afghanistan.

Bring the soldiers home.

AA

Well AA, all I can say is, keep using that brain-training thing your aunt got you for Christmas. When you make it up to “actually intelligent” it’ll all seem obvious.

How can we tackle drug-driving?

Perhaps it might be an idea to clamp down on drug dealing.

harry portsmouth

I wanted to take the piss out of this one, but just couldn’t. The more I thought about it, the more sense it made. I mean, why treat the symptoms when you can treat the cause? Cut off the supply and all the problems derived from it will be solved instantly, and it might even have other beneficial social effects like reducing the burden on the NHS from overdoses and cutting drug-related crime. I’m surprised nobody tried this one before.

Barack Obama and his uppity Harvard buddy have done the unthinkable: called a stupid racist a stupid racist for doing something stupid and racist. Bryan Lambert has everything you need to know. But can a mere beverage atone for such a crime?

Better beer than bombs.
Simon, Ibiza

You’re absolutely right, Simon. Beer is better than bombs, and the drone strikes on Sgt. Crowley’s home were a tad uncalled for.

Provided the participants agree on beer, that tool, in reasonable quantities used, surely is a better modus operandi for an amicable settlement than guns. Good luck to them and to their good health
joe sussmann, bucharest, Romania

What a refreshing point of view, you’ve reaffirmed my faith in internet commentary. Beer can be a better way to settle trivial personal disputes than guns, though of course only with the very specific caveats you mention.

Unfortunately the most recommended comments were not quite as enlightened as these two.

I feel bad for the officer. He was insulted for doing his job. Now he really has no choice but to sit down with the person who both insulted him and continues to look down on him. It’s hard to say no to the president, who’s just looking to cover his rear end.
Mark Bauder, Chicago, United States

It’s amazing the lengths HYSers will go to to sympathise with the white guy. I mean, the professor could be reading a book, or polishing his diplomas, or letting keen young grad students lean provocatively over his desk. And Obama could be wandering round continental Europe, watching zookeepers fall over themselves to name baby animals after him. Instead the two of them have to sit down for the evening with some officious little tosspiece who probably got a semi when he put the cuffs on. I know who I feel for, anyway.

Isn’t it a little demeaning offering a beer? Is the beer offer telling the world police have no culture and would not appreciate a fine wine or a 25 year single malt whiskey. Just another condescending view of the police by the elite.
[soldierret], Jackson, United States

Good point [soldierret], obviously there’s no way elitists like Gates and Obama could actually like something as proletarian as beer themselves. You’ve definitely isolated the vital issue in an urgently relevant story. Well done.

Identity politics again. Obama owes his position to it, so does Henry Louis Gates.

You owe all Americans a beer Obama. Pity we will be stuck with the bar tab.
[belezabot]

Intelligent Hating is so 2008. “It’s just about immigration” is about as out as wanking over Odin. It’s all “identity politics” in 2009. For the benefit of those behind the fashion, that means “Blacks and Muslims having stuff that should rightfully be reserved for White Christians”. Though fuck knows what all that beer and bar tab shite is about.

Mr Gates should have been prosecuted for being such a tool.
More Cowbell, Ny. Ny, United States

As well as biting commentary like this, More Cowbell knows all the latest internet catchphrases and has captioned over a thousand pictures of animals and celebrities. Keep watching this guy if you don’t want to miss out on one of America’s most insightful upcoming satirists.

Iran’s Supreme Leader has formally endorsed Mahmoud Ahmadinejad as winner of the presidential election. Will this lead to greater stability?

Only the BBC could ask such a really stupid question.
The man was ‘elected’ through vote rigging!
What a suprise Ali Khamenei ‘endorses’ the winner. May the revolution in Iran continue until this despotic and thoroughly undemocratic shower are booted out!

I loathe NuLab, They know the price of everything and the value of NOTHING!!, United Kingdom

Sorry I loathe NuLab, could I have a quick word with you in private? I just thought I should point out to you that this isn’t the BBC’s actual opinion. This is just a provocative statement to stimulate discussion. No, no, it’s a bit different to PC. Let me put it a different way: this question made you angry, didn’t it? And because you were angry, you wanted to say something. That’s the BBC’s idea. It wants you and people like you to disagree because it gets more comments. That way it can pretend it gives a shit about what dull-witted racists think without having to skew its editorial line towards their half-baked bollocks opinions. Yes, like with… no, no not quite like that… LOOK! For FUCK’s sake! You know what they say about ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer? WELL UNLESS IT ASKS A STUPID QUESTION, HOW DO YOU EXPECT THE BBC TO GET ITS STUPID ANSWERS!? Jesus.

These next two twats obviously know each other. From the internet.

Good old Western hypocrisy !

[Secratariat], Liverpool, United Kingdom

You know what’s hypocritical Ben? Signing off with that and siding with despotic mullahs while you chose to live in Liverpool instead of Tehran.

Bill Grant, New York, United States

This is probably the most eloquent iylismwdyglt I’ve ever seen. Congratulations Bill. You’re a thick cunt with a silver tongue.

“Are you scared of killer robots?”

Yes, it does sound creepy, having robots to fight wars. I guess it would be just like in the science fiction movies. Look at Gov Arnie S. from California. He was in science fiction before, a robot and now our Governor. So, it is possible. Now, that doesn’t mean it’s good or that we improved ourselves. It may mean an end to the human race as some of the movie scenarios have indicated.
PAUL DEFAYETTE, United States

Concentrate on the positives here. Arnie’s rehabilitation as a governer shows us that there’s hope even for really, really bad robots. As long as he doesn’t get reprogrammed (again! doh!) by an evil girl-robot, everything should be fine. Personally, I’m a lot more worried about what might happen if his twin robot, Mr Devito, was ever to join forces with Gandalf from X-Men.

Topics must be running dry.

Bee keeping needs to be done by people who know what they are doing, not just on a whim.
Janet

Bollocks. I mean what exactly do you need for beekeeping? Honey, paintbrush and a good solid bucket to keep the buggers in. Maybe some newspaper down if they’re not housetrained.

I thought I’d draw your attention to this for three reasons. Firstly, it’s rare to have someone other than Nelson plugging something on here. Secondly, the product in question is proper mental.Thirdly, Louis’s find here is a really, really bad attempt at a plug.

Andy Kadir-Buxton wrote:
Psychopaths are different from other people in that they love themselves and hate everyone else. By using the Kadir-Buxton Method and deleting all thoughts of loving themselves psychopaths can be cured easily.

Do you not think, if you’re going to name your quack method after yourself (or possibly name the method after yourself and then decide what it should involve, perhaps the only thing you’re actually good at, which is what I imagine he did), you should maybe use an anonymous screen name to plug it on the internet? Just so no-one can see it’s astroturf, you know. Andy also seems to have gone horribly wrong in his choice of patient. You see, the beautifully simple Kadir-Buxton method consists of

making a fist of both hands, and striking both ears of the patient at exactly the same time and pressure with the soft part of the inner hand which is where the thumb joins the hand.

Sounds just the ticket for violent psychosis. Maybe try it on that Charles Manson. I mean, if it works on him it’ll work on anyone, innit?