Delusions of Grandeur and Plain Weird12 Aug 2009 09:07 am
By Alex

I thought I’d draw your attention to this for three reasons. Firstly, it’s rare to have someone other than Nelson plugging something on here. Secondly, the product in question is proper mental.Thirdly, Louis’s find here is a really, really bad attempt at a plug.

Andy Kadir-Buxton wrote:
Psychopaths are different from other people in that they love themselves and hate everyone else. By using the Kadir-Buxton Method and deleting all thoughts of loving themselves psychopaths can be cured easily.

Do you not think, if you’re going to name your quack method after yourself (or possibly name the method after yourself and then decide what it should involve, perhaps the only thing you’re actually good at, which is what I imagine he did), you should maybe use an anonymous screen name to plug it on the internet? Just so no-one can see it’s astroturf, you know. Andy also seems to have gone horribly wrong in his choice of patient. You see, the beautifully simple Kadir-Buxton method consists of

making a fist of both hands, and striking both ears of the patient at exactly the same time and pressure with the soft part of the inner hand which is where the thumb joins the hand.

Sounds just the ticket for violent psychosis. Maybe try it on that Charles Manson. I mean, if it works on him it’ll work on anyone, innit?

183 Responses to “Brainless Self-Promotion”

  1. on 12 Aug 2009 at 9:16 am Chris

    So his cure for mental illness is a good slapping?

    He’ll probably have a lot of advocates on HYS.

  2. on 12 Aug 2009 at 9:20 am David

    So, you take a man who loves himself and hates everyone else, and delete all his thoughts of loving himself? So he still hates everyone else, he just hates himself as well.

    A psycopath with self-esteem issues – what could possibly go wrong?

  3. on 12 Aug 2009 at 9:27 am I Marxed Karl

    A lot of patients, too.

  4. on 12 Aug 2009 at 9:27 am MB

    His website is absolute gold:

    http://www.kadir-buxton.com.

    Here he explains the difference between his method and just punching someone:

    “With the Kadir-Buxton Method, a patient standing on one leg whilst holding a rose would still be standing on one leg and holding a rose when they were cured. With a punch, the patient would be lying prone on the floor, and could well have dropped the rose. And just to add insult to injury, they would still be mentally ill.”

  5. on 12 Aug 2009 at 9:33 am alt-f4

    AS we’re going to talk about violent psychos this would seem a propiious moment to add the link above – written by one of the more recent shooting-spree beserkers who, by his own testimony, hadn’t had a shag since 1991 and is mightily pissed off about it.

    With a new worth of quarter of a million dollars though, he could have satisified that need with prostitutes.

    Maybe he just wanted to be loved. Fucking hippy.

  6. on 12 Aug 2009 at 9:33 am Chris

    Holy shit. This is Neil Craig style shit, only plastered in fucking gold and diamonds.

    Here’s some of the things he lays claim to:

    The Buxton Geothermal Turbine Generator Economy 7, as put to Harold Wilson

    A water well dug supplies 50,000 people with fresh water, quadruples the amount of food that can be produced and leads to a fall in the birth rate to Western Levels, within three months (The Buxton Gap). I persuaded the UN to have a policy of digging water wells in the Third World for some years, and intend to do so again

    Saved the ‘Dodo Tree’ from extinction

    The Buxton Gap of Third World fertility rates

    The Democratization of Eastern Europe: all as put to Mikhail Gorbachev*

    *The Democratisation of Eastern Europe was allowed by the Soviet Union in return for the USA agreeing to a Peace Package that I put to Mikhail Gorbachev, a Peace Package which has so far given us INF, CFE 1&2, START 1,2, & 3, ant the non-targeting of each other’s countries

    and

    Bottle Banks, as put to Harold Wilson

    SEE, NEIL! YOU CAN SUCCEED!

    I’m still looking at the site, but at some point I fully expect him to claim he invented hydrogen.

  7. on 12 Aug 2009 at 9:38 am Dear Uncle Napoleon

    More brilliance from his website:

    I always tell people that the best way of learning logic is to study and analyse the character Mr Spock in ‘Star Trek.’ Further studies can be of Ancient Greeks such as Plato.

  8. on 12 Aug 2009 at 9:39 am Dear Uncle Napoleon

    Blockquotes right first time as well!

    Result.

  9. on 12 Aug 2009 at 9:41 am markie126

    I have just tried the Kadir-Buxton method on myself

    Now my ears are sore, one of them is bleeding and I seem to have lost my sense of balance.

    Can I sue?

  10. on 12 Aug 2009 at 9:43 am Chris

    No markie126, don’t be silly.

    He invented the legal system. You’d lose.

  11. on 12 Aug 2009 at 9:46 am markie126

    “I invented the Kadir-Buxton Method twenty six years ago, and during this time over 35,000 mentally ill citizens have killed themselves or someone else in the UK alone”

    Is this good?

    Was he aiming for a higher figure?

    How many times do you have to Kadir-Buxton someone before they die or kill someone else?

  12. on 12 Aug 2009 at 9:50 am funny peculiar

    OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooohhhhh deep joy! Surely Andy is Neil’s long lost siamese twin, (brutally separated at birth by vile government policeman in order to harvest their branes and prevent them from unmasking the global conspiracy.)

    Can we please engineer it so that Neil and Andy get into the mother of all dogmatic squabbles.

    ooh check this out!!!!!!
    http://www.kadir-buxton.com/page14.htm

  13. on 12 Aug 2009 at 9:50 am Shackleton

    I invented the Kadir-Buxton Method twenty six years ago, and during this time over 35,000 mentally ill citizens have killed themselves or someone else in the UK alone. This is nearly thirteen times the number of those killed in ‘The Twin Towers’ bombing which lead to both a massive international outcry, combined with spending and action by the British Government

    The question isn’t “is this good?” or “was he aiming for a higher figure?” but “can this man perform simple maths?” Last time I checked, 35,000 divided by 3,000 came to around 11.66.

    But then, 35,000 is “nearly thirteen times” 3,000. But it’s also nearly inadmissable guff.

  14. on 12 Aug 2009 at 9:53 am funny peculiar

    …I knew at once I was on to another invention… As Governments around the world have been looking for a safe alternative to sex this appears to be it. – Andy Kadir Buxton

    (and yes, the alternative is … a slap round the head!)

  15. on 12 Aug 2009 at 9:56 am marc

    “We the undersigned petition the Prime Minister to ensure the use of The Kadir-Buxton Method to cure the mentally ill in the NHS”
    http://petitions.number10.gov.uk/K-BMethod/
    (i have no idea how to blockquote)

    if we all sign his petition we can get nhs doctors curing mental patients by punching them in the head. sorted.

  16. on 12 Aug 2009 at 9:56 am Chris

    For the record, I think he’s Neil’s dad. Or at the very least he was his scout leader at a very formative period in Neil’s life.

    I think he molested Neil, that’s what I’m trying to say.

  17. on 12 Aug 2009 at 9:57 am markie126

    I’ll give Andrew Paul Kadir-Buxton his dues.

    The Kadir-Buxton method is far better than sticking your fingers in your ears and going “La la la la la”

    I am going to spend the rest of the day whacking the mentally ill around the ears and/or giving them orgasms by stabbing at their jugular with my finger.

  18. on 12 Aug 2009 at 10:00 am Dr Poo

    Having just perused his website, I found this priceless nugget concerning his “Buxton Handclap” method of delivering babies:

    “And the handclap? It was a name given to the method so that everyone could remember it. If the deliverer cannot put both hands in the birth canal after birth and clap then the mother is considered ‘tight!’

    Nice. Basically, he reckons that effectively double-fisting a mother in labour will boost the kid’s IQ by 15 points. Fucking spot on.

    Far too much mental too early in the day for me, I’m afraid. I’m going to have to have a little lie down after that.

  19. on 12 Aug 2009 at 10:07 am Chris

    Is this guy actually a doctor, or does he just hang about maternity wards trying to fist the patients before he moves onto the psych ward to slap people about the head?

  20. on 12 Aug 2009 at 10:10 am Dr Poo

    And on reviving the dead by kicking them:

    “All I then had to do was wait until I came across a dead body, and the rest is history”.

    Mmmm, that’s some tasty mental.

  21. on 12 Aug 2009 at 10:11 am TheViolentMajority

    His website is absolute gold:

    http://www.kadir-buxton.com.

    Here he explains the difference between his method and just punching someone:

    “With the Kadir-Buxton Method, a patient standing on one leg whilst holding a rose would still be standing on one leg and holding a rose when they were cured. With a punch, the patient would be lying prone on the floor, and could well have dropped the rose. And just to add insult to injury, they would still be mentally ill.”

    ——————————–

    That was my favourie bit too. The last sentence is one of the most accidentally hysterical remarks I’ve ever heard. There’s something Partridge-esque about it.

  22. on 12 Aug 2009 at 10:12 am john Adair's Gerbil

    This is the stuff! This is what the kids want! This is why the internet was invented!

    Previously you’d have to sit on the bus for ages until you got a loony like this sitting next to you, now you can find them in seconds.

  23. on 12 Aug 2009 at 10:14 am Dr Poo

    Actually, having read this gem:

    “In the 1980s I fended off an unprovoked attack. What I did was hit my attacker in the Jugular vein in the neck hard with the tip of my finger. (The Femoral artery in the leg can be used in the same way as an alternative.)

    Whilst my attacker was incapacitated on the floor by this martial arts technique I gave the person a bruising slap round the buttocks. When the attacker came to it was said that the experience was even better than sex. I knew at once I was on to another invention.”

    I’m convinced he’s a fucking genius and should recieve some sort of medal from the Queen and/or the Nobel prize.

    A deadly, gyno-fetish genius.

  24. on 12 Aug 2009 at 10:19 am funny peculiar

    Here’s how to unblock fallopian tubes

    The procedure for unblocking fallopian tubes is… yada yada or foreign objects such as ball bearings and even pen tops… All blockages that I have found have been dead bacteria, or sometimes lemonade which is a result of a country wide practice of lesbians at Universities.

  25. on 12 Aug 2009 at 10:20 am Dr Poo

    “Paraplegics who cannot have sex also find Post Sex to be a great invention. A simple arm lock from a consenting friend is enough to make life enjoyable. It is interesting that paraplegics are able to feel their whole bodies during Post Sex.

    Post Sex will have many spin offs including brightening the day of HIV sufferers.”

    Game, set, match Kadir-Buxton. Nothing on the internet is going to be this good again.

  26. on 12 Aug 2009 at 10:26 am Bit Special AKA La Spesh

    To me it’s obvious how he developed his winning Kadir-Buxton method of dealing with psychopaths – he picked the wrong woman to fist on the maternity ward and she punched him on both sides of the head and he then clearly realised he was being a nutter and packed it in.

    HE is the sort of person I had in mind when I coined the description ‘snookerloopy stabmental’. I mean him, not his techniques; he’s proper bonkers. I can’t believe there’s an even worse technique for dealing with mental illness that putting your hand on someone’s head and shouting ‘OUT, DEVILS!’, but you live and learn. You live and learn.

    PS I am sat here with my legs firmly crossed. Handclap? Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

  27. on 12 Aug 2009 at 10:26 am Rosie

    The Kadir-Buxton Jumpstart – First, it must be ascertained that the heart of the patient has stopped beating.

    Next, the edge of the shoed, or bare, foot must be brought down hard on the chest just above the heart.(Ribs can be broken with this method) The pain is so intense that it reaches parts of the brain which have not fully shut down, and this revives the patient.

    Yeah, I can just see St John’s Ambulance training you to stamp on someone’s chest if they are in cardiac arrest. Is this method more effective when wearing five inch stilettos? Your public needs to know, Andy!

    Finally, the patient should be taken to hospital as soon as possible as there is a reason for them dying in the first place, which should be treated.

    Really? No shit, Sherlock.

  28. on 12 Aug 2009 at 10:27 am Paul

    I love this guys site. It is amazing.

    His entire philosophy to solving every problem can be boiled down to “kick it, punch it, fuck it”.

  29. on 12 Aug 2009 at 10:33 am Col. Kojack Slaphed III

    Headslapping!!!

  30. on 12 Aug 2009 at 10:34 am Rosie

    Yay! Blockquote success!

    Will now do a celebratory run around the office with my T-shirt over my head. Defining moment!

  31. on 12 Aug 2009 at 10:35 am James Bond

    Said Paul
    “His entire philosophy to solving every problem can be boiled down to “kick it, punch it, fuck it”.”

    Works for me

  32. on 12 Aug 2009 at 10:35 am john Adair's Gerbil

    Is there nothing this man hasn’t invented?

  33. on 12 Aug 2009 at 10:43 am Throbbe

    and when SYB saw the breadth of this mans mental, they wept, for there was no more mental to discover.

  34. on 12 Aug 2009 at 10:44 am Bit Special AKA La Spesh

    SWEET FUCKING JESUS! Not only does he claim that the ear-punching thing cures all trauma caused by sexual abuse and/or rape (nice), you simply HAVE to read his section on curing infertility. I know FP posted it, but it bears repeating:

    All blockages that I have found have been dead bacteria, or sometimes lemonade which is a result of a country wide practice of lesbians at Universities

    What. The. Living. Fuck? Where do you start with shit like this?! What is this lemonade ‘practice’? Is it a peculiarly British version of Two Girls One Cup? Is he suggesting that women who go to Uni are all raging lezzers? If it’s a lesbian practice then why are they only doing it at uni? And most of all, why – no, HOW – does he think that fizzy pop in the vagina can enter the fallopian tubes?

    Less amusingly, but actually very insulting to women, he claims that you can cure infertility by just massaging the skin above the ovaries and prevent miscarriage by tickling the cervix to keep it closed. He also asserts that women with cervical issues in pregnancy are mainly prostitutes. And the way he writes makes it sound like he’s putting his hand inside women and fiddling with their fallopian tubes. Which of course would be physically impossible.

    I’m going to dedicate my life henceforth to finding a cure to Adam Kadir-Buxton.

    I have not felt such hate in a long time. Thank you, Alex, thank you!

  35. on 12 Aug 2009 at 10:45 am Mrs Slocombe's Cunt

    His jumpstart isn’t a million miles away from the sternal rub which is actually in use.

    http://medchallenged.googlepages.com/sternalrub

  36. on 12 Aug 2009 at 10:54 am Tomsk

    “Dear Site Visitors

    The military industrial complex has to be subsidized by the tax payer in order to make a profit.”
    Great uncle Bulgaria will not be pleased.

  37. on 12 Aug 2009 at 11:01 am Jordan

    I…

    I’d love to think this guy is for real.

  38. on 12 Aug 2009 at 11:04 am Max Mosley

    I gave the person a bruising slap round the buttocks. When the attacker came to it was said that the experience was even better than sex.

    Does anyone have his phone number?

  39. on 12 Aug 2009 at 11:05 am I Marxed Karl

    I liked the bit where he cures Alzheimer’s.

  40. on 12 Aug 2009 at 11:07 am smash the cistern

    Being mental on the internet is easy, but it takes real dedication to be a loony in actual print…

    http://www.bournelocal.co.uk/news/Inventor-claims-he-can-save.1983189.jp

  41. on 12 Aug 2009 at 11:12 am XtalDave

    His HYS profile reveals some more of the same…

    DEBATE:
    Is pain in childbirth a good thing?
    SENT:
    14-Jul-2009 04:51
    COMMENT:

    The fastest way of childbirth is the Buxton Handclap Method which, although not taught in the UK, can often be got from Midwives taught in the Third World. It is great for transverse babies and those with cord wrapped around their necks.

    Click to view comment
    RECOMMENDED BY:
    0 people <<<< NO SHIT

  42. on 12 Aug 2009 at 11:15 am Suspended in disbelief

    This, want to say madman but who am I to judge his methods without serious scientific study, has a HYS account as well
    http://newsforums.bbc.co.uk/nol/profile.jspa?userID=6729249

    In response to the question, Can arguments be resolved over a beer?

    “You can drink a ‘yard of ale’ and then hyperventilate until you pass out in order to cure mental illness. Do not underestimate the strength of beer!”

  43. on 12 Aug 2009 at 11:23 am Dr Poo

    And from the Express site:

    “At the age of 12 I invented Economy 7 to cut pollution and put the idea to Prime Minister Harold Wilson. For this ‘crime’ Ted Heath attempted to assassinate me. He killed a 14 year old boy in a local school who he thought was the inventor of Economy 7. For the rest of his political career Ted Heath boasted of killing the inventor of Economy 7, even when he knew I was alive. Even today some Conservative Party Members believe that I am dead.Ted Heath is obviously one of the worst Prime Ministers we have had.”

    Er, yeah.

  44. on 12 Aug 2009 at 11:28 am Chris

    But, not satisfied with that, Mr Kadir-Buxton has suggested that his Buxton Geothermal Power Station could be used to power gigantic freezer units at the North and South Pole to prevent the melting of the ice caps.

    Fuck me. He did molest NC – that’s why Neil is so fundamentally opposed to the idea of global warming.

  45. on 12 Aug 2009 at 11:29 am Tomsk

    From his HYS;
    “MPs wages should be inversely linked to CO2 levels, it is the only way to get them to adopt a near-zero CO2 plan before sea water laps over their green wellies.”

    I love the idea of MPs trudging around the palace of westminster in green wellies. All the back benchers would mock the front benchers who had to wear waders.

  46. on 12 Aug 2009 at 11:33 am Chris

    More on curing psychopaths:

    http://www.kadir-buxton.com/page18.htm

    Psychopathic disorder can be treated by asking the patient to think as vividly as possible how much they enjoy lying. When the enjoyment of lying has been taken away the patient now loses their psychopathic personality. Caution must be taken because a liar can think of something else instead of how much they enjoy lying as part of the lying process, and other memories could be erased instead.

    No, seriously. This man apparently has at least one child.

  47. on 12 Aug 2009 at 11:39 am Tomsk

    Forgive me if I fuckgobble the blockquotes.

    [blockquote]DEBATE:
    WW1 Veteran Harry Patch: Your memories

    SENT:
    26-Jul-2009 05:13

    COMMENT:
    From conversation with a WW1 vet I managed to invent a cure for insomnia.[/blockquote]

    How rude!

  48. on 12 Aug 2009 at 11:41 am Knife crimer with a free PS3

    I think it’s clear that Andy Kadir-Buxton is the greatest Hero that’s ever lived.

    We are not even worthy to read his article on curing infertility with lemonade or the double-fisting approach to delivering children. We are scum.

  49. on 12 Aug 2009 at 11:44 am Col John Matrix

    This guy is either a genuine comic genius, a grade-A loony, or both. I love how he appears to have invented a solution to *everything* and named all these solutions after himself.

  50. on 12 Aug 2009 at 11:53 am Pob

    I am deliberately refusing to follow any of these links as I prefer to think that you lot are all making this stuff up for fun.

  51. on 12 Aug 2009 at 11:56 am That Bloke in the Corner

    Wha…..? Uh…..? Why?…… WTF?…
    This man should be paraded throughout the country on an open top bus-ticker tape everywhere. How has the country survived this long without recognising this gynaecological genius-and in all my years in the NHS loony department I have never considered these treatments, but I certainly will now. Move over Neilly this man takes top spot, and he doesn’t look as daft either (more like Harold from Neighbours). Vote Kadir-Buxton, vote Snookerloopy Stabmental (TM La Spesh) you know it makes sense.

  52. on 12 Aug 2009 at 11:57 am Chris

    You can’t make this shit up, Pob:

    I have found that while love making, if the woman’s back is scratched in a pleasurable way at the same time, then during orgasm the lining of the womb is shed… What is interesting is that because the lining of the womb is shed when this back scratching takes place we have a low tech and free form of contraception if carried out once every cycle. It works in a similar way to the coil method of contraception. While the number of women who have tried this method of contraception is low I would like to see it trialed. The population explosion needs a free and easy form of contraception and this could be it.

    This method should not be used if you want to remain pregnant.

    I tell a lie, you can make this shit up. That’s really the only place it could come from. But to be fair to Andy, he doesn’t think he’s making anything up. He’s just delusional, and I’d like to be first in line to slap him around the head and cure the fucker.

  53. on 12 Aug 2009 at 12:04 pm funny peculiar

    At the age of 12 I invented Economy 7 to cut pollution and put the idea to Prime Minister Harold Wilson. For this ‘crime’ Ted Heath attempted to assassinate me. AKB

    Yeeeee-haaaaah! In the last 2 months we have travelled along some sort of invisible exponential curve on the graph that measures internet nutters. Each week we seem to bump into an EVEN MORE crazy fruitcake and insist that ‘you can’t get crazier than THAT!’, and then we find someone who sets the bar to a whole new level. When I look back to the days of 1984rfr threatening to call the police for spam, he now appears a rock-solid example of perfect mental ‘wellness’ (don’t you f’kin HATE that word?)

    C’mon Neil. What do you make of Andy and his claims? Give give give.

  54. on 12 Aug 2009 at 12:04 pm GiveItAGo

    It seems his method for erasing memories is to … well, to smack ‘em about the head until they can’t remember fuck all.

    A volunteer should be asked to write on a piece of paper an everyday piece of information that they are well aware such as the colour of the walls of a kitchen, the colour of the car, or mother’s maiden name. After a third party has got the piece of paper, the volunteer is asked to remember the memory as vividly as possible. The Kadir-Buxton is then administered for the first time. The volunteer is again asked to remember as vividly as possible this memory. For the second time the Kadir-Buxton Method is used. And finally, the volunteer is asked for a third time to visualise the memory, before the Kadir-Buxton is administered. Now you will find that the volunteer cannot remember the answer that is written on the piece of paper, and the third party can reveal what is written down to both of you.

    I think you’ll find the volunteer will struggle to remember most things after a treatment like that.

  55. on 12 Aug 2009 at 12:05 pm Ed aka Nearly Craig

    Look at this HYS comment:

    The whole education system is set up for those with good memories, and those with high IQs get left behind. As the study and use of logic increases IQ it should be studied in schools.

    Truly, he is Nearly’s spiritual twin!

  56. on 12 Aug 2009 at 12:05 pm Pob

    The guy clearly has to have a few years of adulthood behind him, during which time the evidence seems to suggest he’s come up with a stupefyingly mental idea roughly every minute. On that basis I’d say the chance is infinitessimal that he hasn’t, at some point, had just one random idea that’s both so far away from any sort of box as so to be totally original, and also a genuine moment of pure genius.

    Problem is he probably thought that his perfect solution to climate change was boring because it didn’t involve any random violence, and went off to punch a rabbit instead.

  57. on 12 Aug 2009 at 12:06 pm Ed aka Nearly Craig

    (He = Adrain (sic) Kaning-Buttox)

  58. on 12 Aug 2009 at 12:18 pm That Bloke in the Corner

    Has he a theory on the ‘credit crunch’? Something in the order of fisting bankers whilst hitting them around the ears? If it works he can claim the credit till Gordon Clown has him assassinated.

  59. on 12 Aug 2009 at 12:22 pm GiveItAGo

    An item/invention from his ‘CV’:

    A surgical technique for restructuring the jaw bone

    Judging by the manoeuvre employed in the Kadir-Buxton method, it’s not hard to guess what kind of ‘restructuring’ of the jaw bone takes place here.

  60. on 12 Aug 2009 at 12:23 pm markie126

    “I have found that while love making, if the woman’s back is scratched in a pleasurable way at the same time, then during orgasm the lining of the womb is shed… What is interesting is that because the lining of the womb is shed”

    Well bugger me backwards – how big are the women he is shagging?

    My grandad kept all kind of crap in his. It was the only place he was allowed to smoke too.

  61. on 12 Aug 2009 at 12:24 pm Chris

    @Ed aka NC

    Truly, he is Nearly’s spiritual twin!

    No! He’s the anti-Nearly!

    Global warming and New Labour – Kadir-Buxton believes in them.

    Remember, for every fucknut, there’s an equal and opposite fucknut.

  62. on 12 Aug 2009 at 12:25 pm markie126

    “A volunteer should be asked to write on a piece of paper an everyday piece of information that they are well aware such as the colour of the walls of a kitchen, the colour of the car, or mother’s maiden name. After a third party has got the piece of paper, the volunteer is asked to remember the memory as vividly as possible. The Kadir-Buxton is then administered for the first time. The volunteer is again asked to remember as vividly as possible this memory. For the second time the Kadir-Buxton Method is used. And finally, the volunteer is asked for a third time to visualise the memory, before the Kadir-Buxton is administered. Now you will find that the volunteer cannot remember the answer that is written on the piece of paper, and the third party can reveal what is written down to both of you.”

    These should be the new rules for “Call My Bluff”

  63. on 12 Aug 2009 at 12:27 pm funny peculiar

    I love Andy Kadir-Buxton and I want to have his babies. (Using the KB ‘hand-clapping-up-the-love-tunnel’ method obviously). I presently do not possess a womb or birth-canal, but that shouldn’t be a problem for the Mighty KB. I’m sure he’ll think of something.

  64. on 12 Aug 2009 at 12:39 pm Knife crimer with a free PS3

    I presently do not possess a womb or birth-canal, but that shouldn’t be a problem for the Mighty KB. I’m sure he’ll think of something.

    As long as you’re prepared for the high likelihood that his ingenious solution will be a Tango slap that miraculously inverts your genitalia.

  65. on 12 Aug 2009 at 12:47 pm Charles Exford, Oxton

    At last, someone even madder than Mike Corley.

    I cure loonies by bursting their eardrums!

    Nice one, Andy…

  66. on 12 Aug 2009 at 12:48 pm Knife crimer with a free PS3

    However, I would also venture that it’s somewhat criminal that Professor Kadir-Buxton has not yet turned his incredible intellect to curing cancer.

    It could surely take but moments of his time to work out the optimal place to hit a cancer patient to appropriately stun the tumour and cause it drop out of their bottom.

  67. on 12 Aug 2009 at 12:51 pm Shackleton

    Primary Menstrual Cramps can be a debilitating problem for some 10% of women. Conventional treatment can even be as drastic as exploratory surgery whilst looking for a cure. A less intrusive solution is available. Orgasm from masturbation has been found to relieve the painful symptoms of menstrual cramps. Whilst it is not always convenient to masturbate for the necessary five minutes until the pain subsides, hands free masturbation is still possible. In order to do this one simply has to clench and then relax the vagina repeatedly for five minutes. With this method no one need know of the discomfort being suffered, and the pain soon goes.

    Do not try this whilst driving or operating heavy machinery.

    My vote is definitely for comedy genius. It’s better than the Framley Examiner.

  68. on 12 Aug 2009 at 12:57 pm Shackleton

    Apologies for the double post, but…

    @That Bloke in the Corner

    Andy has in fact had a brain-attack about the credit crisis, and hey-ho, what do you know? It involves curing mental illness as well as the mysterious “five Buxton Coefficients of Unemployment.”

    http://www.express.co.uk/posts/view/56638/Are-you-worse-off-under-Gordon-Brown-

    (cmd-f and whack in ‘Buxton’)

    I reckon they just might be:

    1. Fisting (anal/vaginal)
    2. Phsyical violence
    3. Masturbation
    4. Building geothermal power stations
    5. Fisting (whichever you didn’t do for 1)

    Try it in your local community now! I’m definitely going to propose it at my next council Q&A.

  69. on 12 Aug 2009 at 1:16 pm That Bloke in the Corner

    @Shackleton, Christ is there no end to this mans talents? He is even proud enough to publish his picture-he truly is the messiah and he loves Gordon!!

  70. on 12 Aug 2009 at 1:24 pm Bit Special AKA La Spesh

    I still can’t over his idea that masturbation is the cure for period pains.

    Incidentally, his double-fisting birthing method is actually v dangerous – apart from the whole ’2 hands plus baby… are you having a fucking laugh?’ factor, he asserts that he would lift up the baby’s chin to help it come out. Babies need to have their chins tucked firmly into their chests in order to be in the correct position as to not crush their skulls and to come out as safely as possible and to avoid getting the umbilical cord round their neck.

    Not amusing but true.

    Hang on, why am I pointing out such a minor error when the entire website is created from pure wrong?

  71. on 12 Aug 2009 at 1:25 pm The 6th Earl of Cheltenham

    I can’t work this bit out:

    The Invention That is Better than Sex

    In the 1980s I fended off an unprovoked attack. What I did was hit my attacker in the Jugular vein in the neck hard with the tip of my finger. (The Femoral artery in the leg can be used in the same way as an alternative.)

    Does he mean that you can hit your attacker in the jugular vein with the femoral artery in your leg? How do you get it out without bleeding to death? You wouldn’t have the strength left to swing it around.

  72. on 12 Aug 2009 at 1:32 pm Ceannair

    ….. he claims that you can cure infertility by just massaging the skin above the ovaries and prevent miscarriage by tickling the cervix to keep it closed.

    Best. Chat Up. Line. EVER!

    Oh and La Spesh ?

    I still can’t over his idea that masturbation is the cure for period pains.

    Worth a shot surely ????

  73. on 12 Aug 2009 at 1:46 pm That Bloke in the Corner

    [blockquote\]…[/blockquote]

  74. on 12 Aug 2009 at 1:46 pm Hate to say it but...

    sex is quite a good cure for period pains.

  75. on 12 Aug 2009 at 1:46 pm That Bloke in the Corner

    Well that was fucked up

  76. on 12 Aug 2009 at 1:52 pm That Bloke in the Corner

    From Andy’s blog
    “In order to cut down on the deaths and violence caused by Fascism it must be classified as a mental illness. Children are not born racist, they brainwash themselves. Fascists recruit naive school children outside school gates by getting them to think negative thoughts every time that they see someone that is not white. Gradually the children send themselves down a slippery slope. The proven cure for this is to persuade the Fascist to think of a positive thought whenever they see someone that is not white. Eventually the Fascist is able to de-program himself. However, professionally trained people will have to be used in order to persuade the Fascist that self curing is better than ruining their lives, and the lives of others.”

    It starts great, the sentiment is great, but can you see Andy walking through the middle of Rochdale whispering in the ear of the 6ft 5 UJ wearing skinhe ‘he’s a differnt colour and that is good’ You see some of his ideas are are sensible,it’s just the putting them into practice where he fails stupendously.

  77. on 12 Aug 2009 at 1:55 pm David

    I really like the casual reference to knocking someone out with a single finger-jab to the jugular. When he’s not bitch-slapping all known ailments into oblivion he’s busy perfecting the Kadir-Buxton Death Grip. Which shows as tenuous a grasp of anatomy as all the gyneca- gynoco- ladybitological stuff.

  78. on 12 Aug 2009 at 2:03 pm Tomsk

    Again, fuckwaffles if I don’t get it right. Here’s a lovely extract from Andy’s blog.

    I would like to see Heavy Horses used in the Third World.

    That’s all very well and good but what are the people going to eat?

  79. on 12 Aug 2009 at 2:08 pm Expert Scientist

    Holy crap, this is the most amusing website since Timecube.

  80. on 12 Aug 2009 at 2:14 pm coffeebucks

    Utterly brilliant.

  81. on 12 Aug 2009 at 2:15 pm Bit Special AKA La Spesh

    Experience period pains like mine and THEN tell me a quick wank or shag would sort them out (currently recovering from said affliction; had to have the day off work cos of ‘em, heyho)…

    Aaargh, there’s an alky sat yelling weirdness at the bus stop outside – should I go and punch him in the ears? He only looks about 20 stone.

  82. on 12 Aug 2009 at 2:18 pm David

    Hit him with your femoral artery.

  83. on 12 Aug 2009 at 2:21 pm Hannibal Lector

    Please, make it stop. I can’t breathe as I’m laughing too hard.

  84. on 12 Aug 2009 at 2:25 pm framlington

    Andy Kadir-Buxton, you are the illegitimate love child of Dr Nick and L Ron Hubbard and I claim my £5.

  85. on 12 Aug 2009 at 2:28 pm alt-f4

    Experience period pains like mine and THEN tell me a quick wank or shag

    I’m inclined to disagree, on the grounds that any attempt to persuade a woman to shag is a worthwhile undertaking (Buxton-methods excepted, since it will probably involve her shagging someone – anyone – else instead).

    I’m inclined this way due to a myth that an old flame I was sharing once held. That was, she had been convinced earlier in life that men need to have sex at least two or three times a week otherwise their balls will ache due to the build up of unreleased sperm. This is, of course, bollocks, but I saw no reason to disuade her from handing out sympathy shags to guys in a kind of Florence Nightingalean way. Who am I to criticize her reasons for wanting to fuck?

  86. on 12 Aug 2009 at 2:29 pm Rob

    I can’t begin to explain how happy this man makes me. Full on, paid up, bought the T-shirt, 100% batshit crazy :-D

  87. on 12 Aug 2009 at 2:32 pm Ceannair

    on 12 Aug 2009 at 2:21 pm Hannibal Lector

    Please, make it stop. I can’t breathe as I’m laughing too hard.

    I have actual tears of laughter, it is making colleagues look at me very strangely!

  88. on 12 Aug 2009 at 2:33 pm Bit Special AKA La Spesh

    Of course, the worst thing about period pains is knowing it’s all my own fault for filling my reproductive organs up with lemonade.

  89. on 12 Aug 2009 at 2:34 pm Hannibal Lector

    Are we *sure* it’s not some kind of elaborate spoof?

  90. on 12 Aug 2009 at 2:35 pm Ceannair

    Of course, the worst thing about period pains is knowing it’s all my own fault for filling my reproductive organs up with lemonade.

    Lezzer!

    Soz Spesh, couldn’t resist!

    Do you need Dr Professor Kadir-Buxton to scratch your back ?

    Or tickle you, I’m not sure now what cure is for what ailment!

  91. on 12 Aug 2009 at 2:39 pm lesbian

    @spesh – a lemonade enema works a treat

  92. on 12 Aug 2009 at 2:40 pm Ed aka Nearly Craig

    I wonder if Nearly (or indeed Kaning-Buttox) could be cured of their mentalness using these methods. Slap them in the head every time they make a bizarre leap of logic.

    Even if it didn’t work, it would make me feel better.

  93. on 12 Aug 2009 at 2:42 pm Ed aka Nearly Craig

    @Hannibal Lector

    Are we *sure* it’s not some kind of elaborate spoof?

    There comes a point when the duration and thoroughness of the activity means it simply can’t be. So many websites? So consistently mental? Over such a long period? So much material?

  94. on 12 Aug 2009 at 2:45 pm Jordan

    He also has two cures for Alzheimer’s that he recommends combining: Teaching the patient logic, and hitting them round the head.

    “Clive Holmes is quoted in ‘New Scientist’ Issue 2668 as saying: “With Alzheimer’s, the damage to the brain happens gradually over a period of years. The best thing you could normally hope for it to keep things where they are. The underlying structure-of dead brain cells-will still be there.” This to me suggests that we might have a loss of IQ, which can be remedied by teaching the patient logic. I have a page on how to achieve this on my website. There could also be changes in personality due to the Alzheimer’s effecting some parts of the brain more than others. People who knew the patient before the onset of illness and also see the patient cured might be able to identify character traits that have changed. These traits can then be reversed using The Kadir-Buxton Method in just the same way as we would use it to erase bad memories.”

  95. on 12 Aug 2009 at 2:52 pm Bit Special AKA La Spesh

    To be fair, if you got slapped around the head enough times, it probably WOULD start to erase memories…

  96. on 12 Aug 2009 at 2:53 pm Jordan

    Yeah, but this is to *cure* alzheimer’s, not give it to someone!

  97. on 12 Aug 2009 at 2:54 pm In humble appreciation

    This is a pretty special Andy statistic too, sod off blockquotes.

    “At present 30% of women have been raped, which leaves mental scars for life.”

    Honestly, you couldn’t make it up!

  98. on 12 Aug 2009 at 2:57 pm In humble appreciation

    Also…

    “Yes, all women can ejaculate. To explain, a clitoral orgasm takes three and a half minutes to achieve whilst a vaginal orgasm takes five minutes. This can be seen in female ejaculation which is achieved after five minutes of pulling gently downwards on the inner labia. (Which is what the Rwandan women have been doing with their stretching routine.) After three and a half minutes the pleasurable sensation goes, but when it is carried on the pleasurable sensation comes back shortly before five minutes and female ejaculation occurs on five minutes, which is the length of time needed for a G spot orgasm.

    Women who suffer from diabetes are the exception to the norm and need to take a little longer.”

    The irony is that he’s so pig-ugly and such a twatbasket that ALL of this is surely wistful thinking??

  99. on 12 Aug 2009 at 2:59 pm Clovis Sangrail

    The great dam of Mental has burst and we can all surf for days on this. I DID have a worried moment about laughing at someone who appears to have some genuine problems, but then…nah…this is almost too good to be true. If it is an elaborate, long-running spoof, well, I take my hat off to Mr K-D (but not standing too close as he’d probably tango my ears)

  100. on 12 Aug 2009 at 3:01 pm Melliflouous

    I see he is also on a breast milk diet as a cure for something or other. I think we’ve hit on the mine of material that Little Britain used.

  101. on 12 Aug 2009 at 3:17 pm Theodore

    And follwoing this link – you can see a photo of the great man himself.

    http://www.express.co.uk/users/profile/RedRoseAndy

    He is utterly insane.

  102. on 12 Aug 2009 at 3:21 pm Simon

    The hunt should now surely be on for a website that is more mental than this:
    Rules for consideration:
    1. Not the BNP/Stormfront/BiasedBBC style sites: They are mental, but just plain nasty. Buxton is trying to help.
    2. Not single-issue site (see above).
    3. The site must be a “sincere” public service.

  103. on 12 Aug 2009 at 3:21 pm markie126

    Whatever you do, do not try boxing a mental lesbian around the ears usingthe K-D method.

    They explode in a Mentos-in-bottle-of-Coke kinda way.

  104. on 12 Aug 2009 at 3:26 pm lesbian

    aye, tis true

  105. on 12 Aug 2009 at 3:33 pm Bit Special AKA La Spesh

    Sadly, quite a few doctors (or should that be ‘Doctors’?) think that colostrum can help/cure illnesses.

  106. on 12 Aug 2009 at 3:39 pm Hannibal Lector

    Is there a colostrum black market?

  107. on 12 Aug 2009 at 3:44 pm Serotonin

    Ive just forwarded his cure for mental illness to my colleagues in the office- we all work in psychiatry. Currently we have a consultant psychiatrist, a community mental healht nurse and an approved social worker all crying iwth laughter at his website.
    We all plan on going out and punching our patients in the ears at the ealriest opportunity.

  108. on 12 Aug 2009 at 3:45 pm Dr Cock

    This is quite a problem to me as it may be many years before the medical profession is made to adopt my invention.

    Er… made?

    Think he needs a dose of his own medicine.

    Form an orderly queue.

  109. on 12 Aug 2009 at 3:45 pm Serotonin

    Bloody cheap NHS keyboards. Excuse the typos.

  110. on 12 Aug 2009 at 3:47 pm Serotonin

    Oh god theres more brilliance.

    On Thatcher’s legacy

    http://www.express.co.uk/comments/view/288316

    “All the Conservative women I have met who knew her said she had not mastered toilet paper. With an IQ of 75 she nearly led the UK into the Third World.”

    This man is a hero.

  111. on 12 Aug 2009 at 3:52 pm David

    Don’t know much about psychiatry, don’t know much gynaecology…

    But I do know martial arts, and I had a similar reaction to the finger-jab to the jugular business – quite staggeringly delusional.

  112. on 12 Aug 2009 at 4:13 pm I Marxed Karl

    I can’t believe that part of me is praying that Andy is genuinely mental purely for my own amusement.

  113. on 12 Aug 2009 at 4:15 pm markie126

    “Don’t know much about psychiatry, don’t know much gynaecology…”

    Bet you know Catherine Oliver of Crawley though….

  114. on 12 Aug 2009 at 4:16 pm markie126

    If you want to meet a single issue obessed loon then check this out from Andy’s old mate and former chemistry teacher Don Matthew’s….

    http://thegreataustralianpolytankdebate.blogspot.com/

  115. on 12 Aug 2009 at 4:18 pm Serotonin

    “I can’t believe that part of me is praying that Andy is genuinely mental purely for my own amusement.”

    Me too. Thats worse given my job however isnt it?

  116. on 12 Aug 2009 at 4:19 pm marc

    http://www.bournelocal.co.uk/news/Inventor-claims-he-can-save.1983189.jp

    oh dear. if only ze germans weren’t keeping their limitless buxton energy secret we would all be saved.

  117. on 12 Aug 2009 at 4:21 pm yukino

    I love this one about martial arts

    There has been a recent interest by the Government in knife related crimes. Using only a martial art cross block a knife can be taken off an attacker with ease. Similarly, Elvis Presley used to show ways developed to disarm attackers armed with guns.

    Love me teeeeeender! Love me true…

  118. on 12 Aug 2009 at 4:21 pm David

    @ markie126:

    I’d love to hear her version of that song: ‘Don’t know much about history; don’t know much biology; don’t know much etc. etc. … So I can’t really comment on any of them, but I just thought I’d let you all know that.’

  119. on 12 Aug 2009 at 4:31 pm bob

    More from him in the Express:

    “Neil Kinnock did not leave his job in Europe early, he got kicked out for failing a DNA Test to proove he was who he says he is! He turned out to be a team of CIA Agents microsurgically altered to look like him. Why is the EU paying these CIA Agents a pension?”

  120. on 12 Aug 2009 at 4:35 pm Richard

    He turned out to be a team of CIA agents? A team?

    I don’t know why that seems so much more absurd than everything else he’s said but really…a whole team?

  121. on 12 Aug 2009 at 4:44 pm Richard

    http://ec.europa.eu/health/ph_determinants/life_style/mental/green_paper/mental_gp_co105.pdf

    A letter he’s sent in which he apologises for his website, saying:

    “I apologize in
    advance for the quality of my website, I am an inventor rather than a
    computer whizz”

    so he’s humble to boot.

  122. on 12 Aug 2009 at 4:45 pm Chi

    @Richard

    Yeah, it’s a scary thought… an entire team of men, all microsurgically altered to look like Neil Kinnock; an actual Kinnock army! Horrifying…

  123. on 12 Aug 2009 at 5:05 pm Pob

    The difference between this guy and that clockwork radio bloke is actually microscopically small.

    Clockwork bloke – has idea, “clockwork radio!” idea works, comes up with a gazillion other mental ideas for world-changing inventions, all based on clockwork, none of which work. Verdict: “Genius Inventor”

    AK-B – has idea, “ear-punching!” idea *doesn’t* work, comes up with a gazillion other mental ideas for world-changing inventions, all based on ear-punching, none of which work. Verdict: “At home on HYS”

  124. on 12 Aug 2009 at 5:06 pm funny peculiar

    Has anyone mentioned the irony that Andy Kabir_Buxton (aka the Mayor of Whacko City) has dozens of cures for mad people but is a barking loon of the highest level. I suspect the main recipient of the Kadir-Buxton method, especially during it’s early stages, was poor old K-B. I think he’s probably been bashing himself in the head for years; growling abuse at himself and thumping his temples :-( .

    He is wonderful, but tragic. And he’s infinitely nicer than Niel Craig because he cares. Plus, he’s touched a ladies foo-foo which is more than Neil ever has.

  125. on 12 Aug 2009 at 5:25 pm smash the cistern

    A little dollop of joy at the bottom of his letter to the European commission.

    This paper represents the views of its author on the subject. These views have not been adopted or in any way approved by the Commission
    and should not be relied upon as a statement of the Commission’s or Health & Consumer Protection DG’s views. The European Commission
    does not guarantee the accuracy of the data included in this paper, nor does it accept responsibility for any use made thereof.

  126. on 12 Aug 2009 at 5:25 pm merciful millie

    @ alt-f4

    she had been convinced earlier in life that men need to have sex at least two or three times a week otherwise their balls will ache

    Fkinell, you mean to say it’s a myth?1?!!

  127. on 12 Aug 2009 at 5:45 pm saprotrophic eubacteria

    Since we are making AK-B and Neil C comparisons, at least AK-B’s website doesn’t make your eyes hurt; and whilst I have to read a Neil C comment several times to disentangle his piss-poor English (before giving up), for AK-B I have to read the comment several times only to confirm it really does say what I thought it said on the previous reading. I’m going back to AK-B’s website now, just to re-check that that it really does contain all that mad stuff.

  128. on 12 Aug 2009 at 6:10 pm Bit Special AKA La Spesh

    All I then had to do was wait until I came across a dead body, and the rest is history

    I can’t stop rereading this and laughing. Apart from the confusing mix of tenses, it’s so hilariously and unintentionally sinister.

    I think AKB’s work/madness offers new hope for anyone interested in helping their fellow man (or clapping their hands inside a lady’s chuffchuff, whichever): let’s all make up our own remedies for all of life’s ills! Tension headache? rub your nipples with the eraser end of a 4B pencil 5 times anticlockwise, 7 times clockwise! HIV+? Reverse it totally by humming the theme tune to ‘Happy Days’ whilst masturbating using only your left big toe! Ebola? Get a friend to slowly work a lit torch up your arse and make shadow puppets with your hands across your stomach!

    The possibilities are endless!

    (Notice I made sure they were all a bit pervy, just like AKB. We must learn properly from the master)

  129. on 12 Aug 2009 at 6:20 pm Mim

    It is very very difficult for me not to wade in and talk in horrible detail about periods but I shall resist and instead thank Alex for brightening my day, nay my life, with possibly the best website ever.

  130. on 12 Aug 2009 at 6:23 pm Bit Special AKA La Spesh

    Gah, I dropped a capital letter. Will punch myself in the ears as soon as I press submit…

  131. on 12 Aug 2009 at 6:30 pm markie126

    Well I have had a marvellous day doing care in the community work.

    Spent much of it slapping strangers across the ears, poking them in with jugular to give them the best sex ever and dishing out lemonade to the local lesbians.

    Thought I might be arrested but then I live in Hastings.

  132. on 12 Aug 2009 at 6:42 pm Clovis Sangrail

    How did he know it was lemonade? Did he taste it?! After he got his hand ALL the way up his (presumably now dead, but that’s ok, he could kick her back to life) girlfriend’s Fallopian tubes…ow…just bloody OW. And I’m not even a GURL, me.

  133. on 12 Aug 2009 at 6:44 pm Black Lesbian In A WheelChair

    Phwoooargh, that Andy Kadir-Buxton can give me a full Post Sex orgasm anyday, then lovingly fist our child into the world 9 months later. I’ve see his picture and he’s totally turned me straight.

  134. on 12 Aug 2009 at 7:10 pm funny peculiar

    this from The Welwyn and Hatfield Times, 22/11/2006. They wrote an article on his revolutionary idea for a power station; a 10k deep hole filled with water that generates steam at the base under its own pressure…

    …Andy said he had tried to convince governments to adopt his clean energy idea throughout the 80s and corresponded with both Mikhail Gorbachev and West Germany’s chancellor Helmut Kohl.

    He claims both countries tested his idea but the results were classified, although he read reports the Russians filled a 30km deep hole with water with almost apocalyptic consequences.

    “The resulting steam cloud was noticed by NATO who thought it was a secret weapon,” he said. “I almost caused the Third World War!”

    I…Love…This…Guy!

  135. on 12 Aug 2009 at 7:27 pm Schroduck

    I was with a girl friend, and we thought it would be worthwhile to see if it was feasible to unblock fallopian tubes. When we entered the womb via the cervix, which had to be done very slowly we found that the womb needs lubricating to avoid immense pain… I was then able to feel the fallopian tube all the way to the ovary and manipulate it as a practice for unblocking fallopian tubes.

    We can learn many things from this. Mostly that his “girlfriend” was an inflatable doll. And a bit of a puncture, by the sounds of it.

  136. on 12 Aug 2009 at 7:47 pm Egbs Smelly Sox

    Hate to rain on your parades folks, but I call bulldoody on K-D. I have evidence of the so-called “Kadir-Buxton method” being performed early as 1992. On national telly!

    Behold: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I1jywlZG74o

    K-D, you don’t fool me!

  137. on 12 Aug 2009 at 7:59 pm Egbs Smelly Sox

    Oh for Cliff’s sake:

    With rape victims, the Kadir-Buxton Method should be done only twice, so that most of the trauma of the rape is taken away, and yet the victim can still remember the incident for any future court case. Similarly, paedophiles can be made to stop attacking children when the Kadir-Buxton Method is used twice, if my method is used three times the paedophile can be so shocked by their previous behaviour that they commit suicide. The victims of paedophiles could have the trauma limited until a court case, and then erased after the court case so that they are not haunted by the attack for the rest of their lives.

  138. on 12 Aug 2009 at 8:01 pm Schroduck

    K-D, you don’t fool me!

    At the age of 12 I invented the Tango Slap to inform people when they have been “Tangoed” and put the idea to Prime Minister Harold Wilson. For this ‘crime’ the Tango Man attempted to assassinate me. He slapped a 14 year old boy in a local school who he thought was the inventor of the Tango Slap. For the rest of his political career Tango Man boasted of killing the inventor of the Tango Slap, even when he knew I was alive. Even today some Britvic Members believe that I am dead.Tango Man is obviously one of the worst Fizzy Drinks Promoters we have had.

    SORTED.

  139. on 12 Aug 2009 at 8:02 pm john adair

    I got this from the Andy Kadir Buxton appreciation society on facebook

    Jack wrote at 08:03 on 27 May 2009
    I have some slight concerns that Kadir-Buxton method might not be original. Research has lead me to understand this method was used to cure patients with liver problems and mental symptoms by 1889, when this was published by Jerome K Jerome:

    “I had the symptoms, beyond all mistake, the chief among them being “a general disinclination to work of any kind.”

    What I suffer in that way no tongue can tell. From my earliest infancy I have been a martyr to it. As a boy, the disease hardly ever left me for a day. They did not know, then, that it was my liver. Medical science was in a far less advanced state than now, and they used to put it down to laziness.

    “Why, you skulking little devil, you,” they would say, “get up and do something for your living, can’t you?” – not knowing, of course, that I was ill.

    And they didn’t give me pills; they gave me clumps on the side of the head. And, strange as it may appear, those clumps on the head often cured me – for the time being”

    and this

    Dave wrote at 05:06 on 27 May 2009
    What are my responsibilities vis a vis kicking the dead back to life? I have had some profoundly unsettling experiences with the The Kadir-Buxton Jump Start technique so far, and some of the families of the deceased have even been quite rude! Is there an upper limit on how long The Kadir-Buxton Jump Start Technique revivee can have been dead for? And does anyone know any way to reassure the family of the soon-to-be-not-deceased? I tried saying “Stand back – Andy sent me.”, but they did not seem to know what I was talking about, not to mention that they seemed the very opposite of reassured.

    Any advice gratefully received.

    Hys is becoming to look sane.

  140. on 12 Aug 2009 at 8:34 pm Pamplemoose

    The Kadir-Buxton method is an elaborate troll.

    Right? Right?!

  141. on 12 Aug 2009 at 10:04 pm Clovis Sangrail

    Pamplemoose – it may be, but it’s still a fkn brilliant genius troll

  142. on 12 Aug 2009 at 10:54 pm deadestfish

    The hunt should now surely be on for a website that is more mental than this:
    Rules for consideration:
    1. Not the BNP/Stormfront/BiasedBBC style sites: They are mental, but just plain nasty. Buxton is trying to help.
    2. Not single-issue site (see above).
    3. The site must be a “sincere” public service.

    Ahem –

    http://tedjesuschristgod.org/

  143. on 12 Aug 2009 at 11:54 pm Joystons Choice

    “For the war to end all wars to be meaningful we must end all wars”. I’m with you there Andy. I mean if the war to end all wars ended then another war started afterwards then that war that ended all wars wouldn’t have been……..can I not be arsed?

    Either Andy is a massive hoax or an enourmous possums prepuce.

  144. on 13 Aug 2009 at 12:54 am Chap

    Couldn’t the fat, bald cunt leave off the cunt thing for a bit, and devote some more of his efforts to finding cures for fat and bald?

  145. on 13 Aug 2009 at 12:57 am Chap

    Ah dammit, it’s a hoax. Shoulda clicked past the FP before writing hilarious derogatory comment.

    Fifty lashes for me.

  146. on 13 Aug 2009 at 1:11 am Ed aka Nearly Craig

    Nooooooooooooooooooooo!

    It can’t be a hoax!

    (Seriously, it can’t)

  147. on 13 Aug 2009 at 1:42 am Pirate Pete

    If this is a hoax it is the most elaborate and detailed one I’ve ever seen online – just look at the amount of material he’s published other than on his own site.

    No, I think this guy really is bat-shit crazy – funny how people can fall through the cracks of the mental health system isn’t it? Not that he’s doing anyone any harm I guess…

  148. on 13 Aug 2009 at 1:59 am Ricardo

    I’ve gone deep into the well of internet mentalism after reading this. My hands are hurting from Alex Chiu’s immortality rings, I’ve worshipped the TedJesusChristGod, and I’ve won £1000 for disproving TimeCube. And yet…

    Andy Kadir-Buxton is still the worst. The absolute bottom of the pit. It’s so perfect, so complete, that I can’t believe it’s anything other than a hoax, but quite literally, the greatest one ever carried out.

    He must live his entire life as some kind of post-modern joke. If that’s not Art, I don’t know what is.

    If I’m right.

  149. on 13 Aug 2009 at 5:47 am Chris

    Unfortunately, this isn’t a hoax. It’s not even a hoax of any kind of artistic proportions. No hoax is this well worked out. No, if this is a hoax, it’s a hoax on the scale of global warming – in other words, it’s no hoax from the point of view of the person who’s arguing for Andy’s side. Andy actually believes in this like people believe in global warming and like NC believes in a fucking tunnel to Pyongyang under Whitehall, or whatever the fuck he believes.

    See, the problem inherent in Andy Kadir-Buxton isn’t that he’s a gigantic twat – although he does have an obsession with female genitalia – but that he’s actually a person with the best intentions for the world, who apparently isn’t a twat but nevertheless suffers from delusions of his own ability and a worldview so skewed it’s slipped into another dimension.

    Andy is just pure mental. He’s the kind of mental that doesn’t even listen or deign to reply to what the outside world thinks of him, as evidenced by this lonely blog post on the Telegraph website.

    I hope that link is right. :)

  150. on 13 Aug 2009 at 6:06 am TomTom

    I’d read AKB’s website before – Ben Goldacre mentioned him a while back – but even second, third and fourth times round it’s pure internet gold. Have you seen his CV? Under ‘inventions’ he lists:

    [blockquote]‘Michael Foot,’ the HIV Destroying Machine which prolongs the life of sufferers.[/blockquote]

    WTF? No, scrap the acronym, WHAT THE FUCK? Michael Foot? If he has (and I for one believe him) invented a machine that destroys HIV and prolongs the life of sufferers, couldn’t he have put a bit more thought into the name? Or is it a life-sized animatronic model of former Labour leader Michael Foot, which stomps around the plains of sub-Saharan Africa, shooting anti-retroviral laser beams from its cock? I bet it is.

  151. on 13 Aug 2009 at 6:07 am TomTom

    OK, I’m new. Fucking cunting blockquotes arsebiscuits… now someone tell me how to do them in a quirky yet condescending way. I believe that’s the procedure.

  152. on 13 Aug 2009 at 7:32 am Chris

    No, the procedure is to do the exact opposite of what you want.

    Do this like this:

    Hello, this is some quoted text.

    Only remove the spaces where they don’t belong. If you can’t work that out, then

    Insert quirky and condescending comment here

  153. on 13 Aug 2009 at 7:33 am Chris

    That quite clearly didn’t work.

    Replace your [] with

  154. on 13 Aug 2009 at 7:34 am Chris

    Ah, shitnuggets.

  155. on 13 Aug 2009 at 8:27 am tegid

    From a Daily Mail article about Sir Terry of Discworld

    Alzhemier’s can be treated by the Kadir-Buxton Method. The patients can be kept in the here and now by this simple invention. The more the disesase progresses the more often the Method has to be used, but it takes only thirty minutes to learn. As long as a partner, friend, and neighbour are shown how to use it there is no need for a relapase. And it is free. Muhammad Ali cured many mentally ill people with it until hospital authorities threatened to lock him up as well.

    This surely has to prove that he is 100% Gen-U-wine mental. To have your own site to dedicate to your crazed ramblings is one thing, and some of the comment posts could be seen as a fraud going a bit too far (even given the amount of time he’s been doing it for).

    But to post a comment to an article about a man with Alzheimers, suggesting not only that you know the cure, but that (possibly) one of the world’s best known Alzheimer sufferers also knows the cure – although for some reason, despite its simplicity has never taught it to anyone he knows so that he could be cured.

    That takes either a special type of sick or a special type of mental – or probably both.

  156. on 13 Aug 2009 at 8:50 am Blockquote Bore

    Blockquote help:
    http://lifethefinalfrontier.spaces.live.com/blog/cns!B0B472C186FA9E4D!308.entry

  157. on 13 Aug 2009 at 8:52 am Blockquote Bore

    That link above split over 2 lines. The link is the whole thing, ending with 308.entry

  158. on 13 Aug 2009 at 8:56 am Simon

    I think The Artist Formerly Known As Casius Clay has Parkinson’s Disease, not Alzheimer’s.
    2 quite different things: Parkinson’s, I think, does NOT affect you cognitive abilities, but “just” your motor abilities, ie you can have Parkinson’s and be sharp as a pin, but not be able to express it in a way that people could discern that you’re still sharp.
    AKB does not claim to be able to cure Parkinson’s ….
    yet !!!

  159. on 13 Aug 2009 at 9:04 am Simon

    I have this image of Andy Kadir-Buxton going up to Mohammad Ali and punching him in the neck and slapping his buttocks. After having looked at AKB’s photo, I reckon that Mr Ali, after he’s been forced to orgasm, will turn round and cure AKB’s madness permanently, but Mr Ali is a gentleman, so will probably not kick to life afterwards.

  160. on 13 Aug 2009 at 9:14 am Hannibal Lector

    “I invented the Kadir-Buxton Method twenty six years ago, and during this time over 35,000 mentally ill citizens have killed themselves or someone else in the UK alone”

    Umm… The method invented 26 years ago must have been called the Buxton Method since he only married Ms Kadir in 2000. If I’m right. It’s quite sweet that he took her name too, though.

  161. on 13 Aug 2009 at 9:16 am tegid

    @ Simon

    You are indeed correct.

    I believe I just had an HYS moment there – so blinded was I by my horror at what I had read that I didn’t stop to consider whether my response had a basis in reality.

    I will, as is expected, serve penance by reading an entire HYS thread, just to remind myself of the dangers of thumping the keyboard in rage.

    I stand by my statement though – A K-B is a special type of Mental…

  162. on 13 Aug 2009 at 10:07 am billyo

    You’ve all missed that he kept the Queen Mum alive for thirty years by feeding her Breast Milk. Which, given he invented Economy 7 in 1974 when he was 7, means that he advised the Queen Mum on her longevity at the grand old age of 3. Top Work. He must have had his IQ improved at birth.

  163. on 13 Aug 2009 at 10:19 am Hannibal Lector

    And from the Express site:

    “At the age of 12 I invented Economy 7

    He was born in 1952, and given that he says he invented Economy 7 at the age of 12 this means that the momentous event happened in 1964…

    God, my head hurts even thinking about all of this. Andy Kadir-Buxton: international man of mystery!

  164. on 13 Aug 2009 at 11:21 am ThreeOliveMartini

    Any one bored enough to calculate Kadir-Buxton’s crackpot rating?

    http://math.ucr.edu/home/baez/crackpot.html

    I’m not. I’m too busy writing about a magical musical flu uncle. Being a copywriter in a foreign country is awesome.

  165. on 13 Aug 2009 at 1:51 pm Bad Example

    http://www.kadir-buxton.com/page16.htm

    “this is probably not how Jesus cured the mentally ill. A genuine halo is the reward.”

    Punch me, just fucking punch me!

  166. on 13 Aug 2009 at 1:55 pm Knife crimer with a free PS3

    Any one bored enough to calculate Kadir-Buxton’s crackpot rating?

    I think you’ll find Professor Kadir-Buxton invented that system during a conversation with Carl Sagan and Stephen Hawking when he was 13 and a half.

  167. on 13 Aug 2009 at 4:51 pm Richard

    I started from the bottom with the crackpot index, but when i got to the top and found

    # 1 point for every statement that is widely agreed on to be false.
    # 2 points for every statement that is clearly vacuous.
    # 3 points for every statement that is logically inconsistent.

    I gave up.

  168. on 13 Aug 2009 at 11:32 pm Pirate Pete

    I know this is going to sound a bit weird but, unlike comic-shop man, I think I’d actually enjoy sitting in the pub and listening to his theories one evening. He does seem quite nice, although the ladies should probably sit on the other side of the table behind some sort of modesty shield, just to be on the safe side. La Spesh and the other ladies, you aren’t heavily pregnant are you? That might be too much for the poor bloke…

  169. on 14 Aug 2009 at 1:15 am Chris

    Do you think he goes up to pregnant women in the street and “advises” them, or do you think that there’s an injunction against him or something?

  170. on 14 Aug 2009 at 8:31 am Admiral Grovworth, III

    Both.

  171. on 14 Aug 2009 at 1:42 pm I Marxed Karl

    @Simon

    Parkinson’s can affect your cognitive abilities, just not always.

    I like how the AK-B Method is context sensitive. Especially that it can both erase memories and revive them depending on what’s wrong with you. I wonder what would happen on a psychopath with Alzheimer’s?

  172. on 14 Aug 2009 at 2:12 pm Kelvin

    You know, there’s lots of free wiki software out there and the name crankpedia.com is unregistered…

  173. on 14 Aug 2009 at 3:18 pm Simon

    crankpedia.com is unregistered…

    conservapedia.com have their eye on it

  174. on 14 Aug 2009 at 3:41 pm stormyfriday

    [Post Sex can be used for recreational purposes but it is not an alternative to contraception as the sexual act is also far more fun.]

    errr…?!

  175. on 14 Aug 2009 at 6:40 pm ravenbait

    I am concerned by this warning about one of the pitfalls of clearing pen caps and ball bearings from fallopian tubes:

    If live bacteria is encountered the procedure should be stopped until it has been treated.

    How do I know? How do I tell? Do they nibble the ends of my fingers? Is this where the lemonade comes in?

    Also, can I get a G spot in British Racing Green?

  176. on 16 Aug 2009 at 1:15 pm crumhorn

    This guy reminds me of Flann O’Brien’s De Selby (e.g. “De Selby…develops a substance capable of extracting all oxygen from an airtight enclosure, of disrupting the sequentiality of time, and of producing fine mature whiskey in a week”. cf Wikipedia).

    Re the Terry Pratchett ref earlier; maybe AK-B actually is Pratchett.

  177. on 16 Aug 2009 at 5:45 pm Kadir-Buxton's election agent

    sometimes lemonade which is a result of a country wide practice of lesbians at universities.

    “Milk, milk, lemonade…?”

  178. on 17 Aug 2009 at 3:11 pm Louis

    Holy fuck, this was actully published. I feel weirdly proud and ashamed; as if I’d found a massive dog turd, carried it home to my parents, and they started cooing over it and bringing their friends round to show it off. or something.

  179. on 18 Aug 2009 at 4:18 pm my name here

    I have a pain from trying to laugh, trying not to laugh and trying not to scream ‘no’ in disbelief at his website.

    I’ve had to leave the office to calm down.

    Please Oh Please, internets, let this man be real.
    Comedy gold, SYB. Hats off.

    First post, but fucking up blockquotes can wait for another day.

  180. on 18 Aug 2009 at 8:57 pm Two Sandwiches

    Ballbearings, pen tops and lemonade. Check. All I have to do now is accommodate those two sandwiches I stole from Andy and I’ll have a picnic in my ladybits. The bacteria are invited, of course.

  181. on 19 Aug 2009 at 12:51 am Gypsy on Benefits

    You know when you’ve been Kadir-Buxton Methoded.

  182. on 19 Aug 2009 at 1:11 am Gypsy on Benefits

    Sign his petition:

    http://petitions.number10.gov.uk/K-BMethod/

  183. on 19 Aug 2009 at 1:52 am Chris

    Gypsy on Benefits

    Sign his petition:

    http://petitions.number10.gov.uk/K-BMethod/

    The best thing about that petition is that, aside from the usual lulzy entries – for example, Interdenominational Q Engine and Gorbals Monkeytesticle – there is apparently a real name on there.

    Deborah Rock? William Robson? THAT’S NOT FUNNY.