Credulous Nincompoops and Permanently Bewildered13 Aug 2009 09:13 am
By Nelson

Are you scared of killer robots?

Yes, it does sound creepy, having robots to fight wars. I guess it would be just like in the science fiction movies. Look at Gov Arnie S. from California. He was in science fiction before, a robot and now our Governor. So, it is possible. Now, that doesn’t mean it’s good or that we improved ourselves. It may mean an end to the human race as some of the movie scenarios have indicated.
PAUL DEFAYETTE, United States

Concentrate on the positives here. Arnie’s rehabilitation as a governer shows us that there’s hope even for really, really bad robots. As long as he doesn’t get reprogrammed (again! doh!) by an evil girl-robot, everything should be fine. Personally, I’m a lot more worried about what might happen if his twin robot, Mr Devito, was ever to join forces with Gandalf from X-Men.

112 Responses to “It Is Possible”

  1. on 13 Aug 2009 at 9:26 am john Adair's Gerbil

    Paul, just because you saw something in a film doesn’t mean it’s possible. This is because they are what we call “stories”.

    Some of the movie scenarios indicate the end of the world. I was watching “john Adair’s Gerbil and the barely legal teenage lesbians who really need a gerbil” last night, and I’m afraid to say that that’s not likely to happen either.

  2. on 13 Aug 2009 at 9:32 am Theodore

    I would like to take credit for re-educating Mr Schwarzenegger and turning from his evil quest to destroy mankind.

    A simple “Klaatu Berada Nikto” did it.

    I would also like to thank Baxters Laboratories for creating the swine flu that will decimate the impending Martian invasion force.

  3. on 13 Aug 2009 at 9:37 am millie

    Arnie’s rehabilitation as a governer shows us that there’s hope

    Like with Ronnie R. God bless America :p

  4. on 13 Aug 2009 at 9:38 am millie

    (why P no turn into tongue?)

  5. on 13 Aug 2009 at 9:43 am DoctorB

    Never fear, I know a failsafe way to rehabilitate all evil robots. It’s called the Kadir-Buxton Method….any volunteers to try it on Arnie?

  6. on 13 Aug 2009 at 9:50 am Bored with Craig

    just because you saw something in a film doesn’t mean it’s possible. This is because they are what we call “stories”. john Adair’s Gerbil

    How DARE you! You and your so-called reality should be ASHAMED! As recent SYB encounters have shown; the public’s perception of ‘real’ is just a thin tissue pulled over the eyes of the gullible public by ‘them’. It is far far more likely that Arnold is an evil-robot-turned-good-robot because that is MORE INTERESTING and therefore more true in the mind than your yawn-fest dismissal of so-called fiction. ‘Arnold is just a normal human actor’, tchah, yeah right, in your dreams, buster. Cling to your little rubber ring of normality, you delusional fool.

  7. on 13 Aug 2009 at 9:53 am Tomsk

    Arnie’s plot to get hydrogen fuelling stations across the state of california is just the first step towards his plan for robotic world domination.

    The next step is to implement the Kadir-Buxton Geothermal power stations (classified by the German government) to power his mechanised minions.

    Wellington is currently forging a giant laser out of discarded coke cans and Bernard’s Watch in an effort to thwart his evil scheme.

  8. on 13 Aug 2009 at 10:01 am funny peculiar

    I don’t know about Arnie, but Sarah Palin is definitely an evil cyborg bent on world domination. That’s 100% certain FACT. When the SP2000 first worm-holed into our dimension a few months ago, it’s AI chip was so obviously lacking even basic data regarding humans that it could barely construct a meaningful sentence. But it is assimilating fast.

    She’ll be back.

  9. on 13 Aug 2009 at 10:14 am funny peculiar

    its not it’s / wankety wank with nobs on.

  10. on 13 Aug 2009 at 10:19 am No longer lurking

    Sorry, I know this isn’t anything to do with mental-baiting, but I found this and had to share…

    http://people.csail.mit.edu/rahimi/helmet/

    “On the Effectiveness of Aluminium Foil Helmets: An Empirical Study”

    Normal programming will resume shortly…

  11. on 13 Aug 2009 at 11:14 am alt-f4

    I guess it would be just like in the science fiction movies.

    Typical american – he relates real life to what he’s seen in the movies, instead of the other way around.

  12. on 13 Aug 2009 at 12:05 pm Hunter Hillman

    Time to restore the Hollywood Blacklist, then.

    Clearly a huge Soviet propaganda operation underway in Hollywood.

    Reliable twattishness from Biased BBC:

    http://opinionbeyondeducation.blogspot.com/2009/08/heaven-great-big-blacklist.html

  13. on 13 Aug 2009 at 12:18 pm Herms

    Arnie is not German. He’s Austrian born. :)

    That said, Bored with Craig, I think it’s a bit of a stretch to refer to him as a normal human being! He’s a bionic Republican ex-bodybuilder who can act less well than my desk here. Dang, I’m on the autistic spectrum and *I* can act better.

  14. on 13 Aug 2009 at 12:39 pm dirigible

    So, it is possible.

    Also, it’s possible for a long-faced intrinsically unfunny cretin with the world’s most unconvincing hair implants to get the girl every time. Just see any [deleted on legal advice] film!

  15. on 13 Aug 2009 at 12:53 pm ligne

    Also, it’s possible for a long-faced intrinsically unfunny cretin with the world’s most unconvincing hair implants to get the girl every time. Just see any [deleted on legal advice] film!

    berlusconi?

  16. on 13 Aug 2009 at 1:09 pm Oaf

    Jon Bentley from ‘The Gadget Show’.

    A robot? Yes/No – Discuss.

  17. on 13 Aug 2009 at 1:51 pm John Adair

    If anyone has a full size blowup doll of Suzi Perry, could I borrow it, only for scientific research you understand!

  18. on 13 Aug 2009 at 2:09 pm Throbbe

    Dang, I’m on the autistic spectrum and *I* can act better.

    Ah, the autistic spectrum, not seen one in years. That was pretty much the end for Sir Clive.

  19. on 13 Aug 2009 at 2:22 pm That Bloke in the Corner

    Why does it always have to be killer robots, why can’t they be like Metal Mickey?

  20. on 13 Aug 2009 at 2:24 pm My Foot Hurts.

    I used to like pretending to be a killer robot when I was younger: moving around with jerky, artificial movements, screeching “I-AM-A-RO-BOT-AND-I-WILL-KILL-ALL-HU-MANS” in a harsh, metallic voice, with an occasional “KERZOW!!” as I pointed my integral ray gun to disintegrate a passer-by.

    Then they told me they’d kick me out of Uni if I didn’t stop it, so I had to give it up.

  21. on 13 Aug 2009 at 2:58 pm Coconuts

    Someone please show this guy “Small Soldiers” and then get a picture of his reaction…

  22. on 13 Aug 2009 at 3:04 pm Coconuts

    John Adair:

    “If anyone has a full size blowup doll of Suzi Perry, could I borrow it, only for scientific research you understand!”

    Sorry mate – just traded it in for a Vicki Butler-Henderson model and some semolina. Sciencey purposes and all that.

  23. on 13 Aug 2009 at 3:06 pm Andy Kadir-Buxton

    “I would like to take credit for re-educating Mr Schwarzenegger and turning from his evil quest to destroy mankind.

    A simple “Klaatu Berada Nikto” did it.”

    Liar: as any fule kno, it was I with my Kadir-Buxton Method (robot variant, type a) that rehabilitated him with a quick wack around the CPU.

  24. on 13 Aug 2009 at 3:13 pm Jef

    @My Foot Hurts:

    “28 years old I was”

  25. on 13 Aug 2009 at 3:34 pm Oaf

    “I-AM-A-RO-BOT-AND-I-WILL-KILL-ALL-HU-MANS”

    Why do kids think that robots have to go around repeatedly telling everyone that they are robots?

    (except for Jon Bentley).

  26. on 13 Aug 2009 at 4:10 pm fucko the clown

    “i need your clothes your boots and control of the state of cal-i-forn-i-a”

    Paul you are a gorilla’s gusset flap

  27. on 13 Aug 2009 at 4:10 pm That Bloke in the Corner

    @Oaf, it’s so they can differentiate themselves from kids wearing boxes and tin foil saying ‘I AM A ROBOT’

  28. on 13 Aug 2009 at 4:12 pm No Shit Sherlock

    But observe, my good Doctor Watson; Mr. Defayette refers to Herr Schwarzenegger using the posessive pronoun, ‘our’ guvenor. I think it is therefore safe to assume that his domicile falls within The Erstwhile Terminator’s jurisdiction and, thus, it follows that Mr. Defayette must be a Californian gentleman.

    In which case, by the standards of his local community, his opinions verge on brilliant and he is clearly an intellectual of some standing. He should be praised for his rejection of his peer group’s mental paucity and we should seek him out and discuss with him at length the issues of the day. Come, Watson!

  29. on 13 Aug 2009 at 4:37 pm Terminator X

    Paul, Paul, Paul! What films have you been watching?! It NEVER means an end to the human race, we always prevail! Even against Skynet and their evil adamantium-clawed telepathic state governors from Eternia. So I say welcome, welcome to our superior synthetic overlords from the future.

  30. on 13 Aug 2009 at 4:57 pm Admiral Grovworth, III

    Look at Gov Arnie S. from California.

    I read this as

    Look at Grov Armies from California.

    and was both confused and alarmed.

  31. on 13 Aug 2009 at 5:05 pm Pa

    Added: Wednesday, 5 August, 2009, 10:53 GMT11:53 UK
    most of our everyday electronic gadgets are mini forms of robots. The television remote control buttons when pressed change what the television does. On a lot of digital recorders now the recording starts based on an encoded part of the signal. At present all ‘robotic devices need some form of power suppy be it batteries or mains power. The scary part will be when they can power themselves full on natural resources 24 hours a day then they do not need their batteries changing etc.
    Leslie Jarrett, sLOUGH, United Kingdom
    Recommended by 0 people

    A TV remote that changes channel when you press the buttons and which doesn’t need its batteries changing? Hardly the stuff that nightmares are made of…

  32. on 13 Aug 2009 at 5:20 pm westbootle baptist church

    no longer lurking, thank you for bringing this to our attention… there is a pressing need for real helmet-grade tinfoil in the western world.

    and now, evil cyborgs masquerading as evil politicians, where on earth will it all end?

    christ, woman!

  33. on 13 Aug 2009 at 6:26 pm funny peculiar

    The BBC has asked the HYS think tank, “What Should Be An Olympic Sport”
    And they have come up with a unanimous answer, the timeless British sport of “Aimless, Twenty Four Hour Whinging”. It should bring a sack full of golds for Team GB. Joy could bring home the women’s gold without breaking a sweat. The men’s relay would be embarassing easy.

    Young Peter Martin looks like he is keen to be picked for London 2012 with this competent and unoriginal display of Geordie bleating…

    Before we consider adding any sport to the charade, lets look at whether the Olympics are past their sell by date.

    Drug taking goes on, politics is used as weapon, huge debts are incurred on the public for the self-aggrandisement of a select few whose aims are not always concerned with sportsmanship but with money, money, money, aided & abetted by sports media who throw huge amounts of money and equipment for covering “games” glorifying ancient military prowess.

    What a waste of resources.

    Peter Marton, Middlesbrough, United Kingdom

    5.9 6.0 6.0 5.9 6.0 5.9 6.0

  34. on 13 Aug 2009 at 7:33 pm Paranoid Mandroid

    Now fp, that’s just wrong! wrong wrong wrong!

    …it’s Smoggie bleating, not Geordie bleating :)

  35. on 13 Aug 2009 at 7:34 pm Mal

    sports media who throw huge amounts of money and equipment

    I believe our own Jim Rosenthal currently holds the world record in this event with a throw of 50.52 metres.

  36. on 13 Aug 2009 at 7:40 pm Paranoid Mandroid

    From the same thread, I particularly enjoyed this one for its bizarrely apocolyptic undertone:

    Underground bunker and faraday cage building on geologically stable high ground, not running tracks on flood plains. This is no time for games.

    Storm Dodger, Snowdon

    Recommended by 41 people

    Run for the hills! The end is nigh!

  37. on 13 Aug 2009 at 7:46 pm Bit Special AKA La Spesh

    @Paranoid Mandroid – I am presuming you ARE a Geordie, so I must ask: do you, by any chance, believe that you have exclusive ownership of inclement weather above the River Tyne? And more importantly, in the event of divorce, will Ceannair get any in the settlement? PS I like to wind up a friend from Barrow-In-Furness by calling her a Geordie (yes, I know it’s nowhere near Noo’assel – that’s the point): does this make me merely an annoying cunt or is it, in fact, a crime against humanity?

    I can’t comment properly anymore; the whole Adam Kadir-Buxton thing has broken me. Nothing much will seem sufficiently twatbasketish/cunty/mental/cuntymental in comparison for a long, long time…

  38. on 13 Aug 2009 at 7:48 pm Magician Assisted Suicide

    From today’s londonpaper, on Baby P:

    Why not castrate the two brothers (the old fashioned way)

    Has it changed? Do we do it with lasers now?

    Elsewhere, an obvious parody:

    Would anyone be interested in a campaign to bring back the death penalty for crimes like the torture that resulted in the death of Baby P? It could be done on a case-by-case basis, using the Internet to gather public votes after a fair trial had already been held

  39. on 13 Aug 2009 at 9:44 pm Paranoid Mandroid

    @Bit Special

    Me? A Geordie?! Good God no!! I ought to give you a severe Kadir-Buxtoning for that. And I’m not a Smoggie, or a Mackem either.
    No, I’m just a pedant. And as this forum clearly shows, pedants can come from anywhere.

    PS I work with someone from Middlesbrough, and so I know how touchy those North Eastern types get about the whole Geordie/Mackem/Smoggie thing. And if you accidentally spell it “Middlesborough”, it’s like you’ve spelt their mum’s name B-I-T-C-H-W-H-O-R-E
    But as far as I’m concerned, no, I don’t think that makes you any more of an annoying cunt…

  40. on 13 Aug 2009 at 9:59 pm Joystons Choice

    “Why not castrate the two brothers (the old fashioned way)”.

    This was before the “Gillete Method”. The first blade gently lifted the balls whilst the second ‘whipped ‘em orf’.

  41. on 13 Aug 2009 at 10:49 pm Geordie Pedant Blerk

    @Paranoid Mandroid and Bit Special

    What’s wrang with bein’ from the Toon yuh southern puffs yuh.

    “Noo’aasel” – sounds like something Arnie might rip you if you keep on calling him a bad acting robot German. A simple old Newcassel will do bonny lads and lasses.

    Now ahm gannin’ oot t’have a bootle of dog and a stotty.

  42. on 13 Aug 2009 at 10:50 pm Geordie Pedant Blerk

    Or even a bottle of dog!

    Fuckin’ southern computta puff mentils!

  43. on 13 Aug 2009 at 11:00 pm Bit Special AKA La Spesh

    @Geordie Pedant Blerk – your pint is a poof. And so is yer Mam’s (as I read your comment, I imagined you sat there typing as a new Biffa Bacon strip).

    I’m a Northerner but not as Northern as a Geordie. It’s very confusing.

    @Mandroid – good to know I’m the right level of annoying cunt. Today I was only a moderately pisstaking cow; everyone has an off day.

  44. on 13 Aug 2009 at 11:03 pm Pirate Pete

    Re poor Lesley Garrett’s concerns about self-powering remotes, I suspect that she’s concerned about what might happen if she falls asleep on the sofa and they take a particular liking to her a la “Demon Seed”. If I’m right, but very wrong at the same time…

  45. on 14 Aug 2009 at 1:08 am ThreeOliveMartini

    Are you afraid of killer robots?

    Srsly?

    On HYS (no linky)?

    The mods really are just taking the piss now.

    I wonder if it’s possible to come up with a topic so absurd that the frothing HYSers would be forced to call bullshit.

  46. on 14 Aug 2009 at 1:23 am Chris

    I wonder if it’s possible to come up with a topic so absurd that the frothing HYSers would be forced to call bullshit.

    No, but you can come up with the reliably absurd ones they do now and the frothing HYSers will call Gordon Brown.

  47. on 14 Aug 2009 at 8:46 am Set your faces to stunned

    “Why not castrate the two brothers (the old fashioned way)”.

    One particularly enlightened chap in my office expanded on this:

    “With two bricks, take the bollocks and leave the cock!”

  48. on 14 Aug 2009 at 8:55 am alt-f4

    @funny peculiar

    Martan makes a good point about the olympics. It is a waste of resources and has become little more than another underhand means of subsidising corporate profits with public money. Personally, I stopped watching after Atlanta.

    I would like to see the following changes to the games:

    - a complete ban on all advertising
    - all athletes – especially female gymnasts – to perform as originally intended, i.e. naked.
    - addition of the following events:
    -> Team and Individual Patrioitic Flag Waving
    -> Hardest to detect performance-enhancing drug
    -> Highest paid professional masquerading as an amateur

  49. on 14 Aug 2009 at 9:07 am funny peculiar

    Does anybody know the phone number of a competent and affordable assassin? I have decided to launch a terror campaign against employees of the Daily Mail, starting with Richard Littlejohn and then the editor responsible for the category, ‘vile gloating at celebs imperfect beach bodies’. Is The Jackal still in business? No have-a-go thugs or religious extremists please, I need a professional.

    If I get caught, I will blame Nelson; I have become a regular browser of the Daily Mail website because of SYB related visits. It has sent me quite mad. So Littlejohn must die.

    P.S. Finders fee of fifty quid.

  50. on 14 Aug 2009 at 9:36 am alt-f4

    Does anybody know the phone number of a competent and affordable assassin?

    00873 682505331

    Ask for a Mr Laden, Osama bin. Be aware that Mr Laden has a lot of customer enquiries right now and a CSR may not be able to take your call immediately. For quality control purposes your call may be recorded.

  51. on 14 Aug 2009 at 9:38 am alt-f4

    Oh sorry, didn’t see your exclusion of religous extremists.

    You could try a Gospodin Kadyrov in Grozny, but I think it’s personal enquiries only. Beware of the tiger.

  52. on 14 Aug 2009 at 11:03 am Mal

    No have-a-go thugs or religious extremists please, I need a professional.

    Why be so picky? Surely all that matters is that Littlejohn should die a slow and excruciating death? I may be an amateur but I’d be happy to give it a go.

  53. on 14 Aug 2009 at 11:15 am Dr Love

    From the “Should the lockerbie bomber be freed?” thread. Starts out by being at least consistent in its outrage, then just goes all funny:

    The BBC this morning are banging on that he should be released for ramadan. Why should he be allowed this, it is disgusting that he should be treated differently just because he is a Muslim. Will prisoners be released for Christmas then. And if he is innocent, again as trotted out by the biased broadcasting company, why don’t the real culprits own up from their safe havens? If they were men with honour they would do to spare an ill man from prison.

    Jeff, London

    Recommended by 194 people

  54. on 14 Aug 2009 at 11:16 am Goldstein

    the whole Adam Kadir-Buxton thing has broken me

    Was it the ear-bashing or the double-fisting what did you in?

  55. on 14 Aug 2009 at 11:38 am TheViolentMajority

    “Why not castrate the two brothers (the old fashioned way)”.

    This was before the “Gillete Method”. The first blade gently lifted the balls whilst the second ‘whipped ‘em orf’.

    ———————————

    I gather now it also has a lubriacting strip to soothe and cool.

  56. on 14 Aug 2009 at 11:55 am Farmer Palmer

    Huh, townies, the lot of you.

    Put a lackie band tightly round the neck of the ball sack; wait a few days, job done. The Two-Brick Clap is effective, but you risk a solid kick in the face from a highly startled and unhappy patient.

    P.S. Get orf moi laand.

  57. on 14 Aug 2009 at 12:17 pm funny peculiar

    Why be so picky? Surely all that matters is that Littlejohn should die a slow and excruciating death? I may be an amateur but I’d be happy to give it a go. Mal

    Thank you for your kind offer, Mal. Your name will be kept on our files, if we have any suitable positions in the future we will give you our full considertion. But this campaign needs to have the air of just and righteous surgery; a dispassionate removal of wrong-doers.

    Amateurs bashing Littlejohn’s skull in with a cricket bat would be satisying in the short term, but would not send the right message.

    To deftly link this back to original post; does anyone where I can contact Frank Martin (lead character played by Jason Statham in The Transporter film series)? Cos he’d do. Unless he’s a robot.

  58. on 14 Aug 2009 at 1:19 pm My Foot Hurts.

    The BBC this morning are banging on that he should be released for ramadan… And if he is innocent, again as trotted out by the biased broadcasting company…

    I’ve read this story, and nowhere do I see the BBC advocating (never mind ‘banging on’) that he should be released, or claiming that he’s innocent. The BBC is just reporting on the FACT that he wants to be released, and reporting on the FACT that he claims he’s innocent (whether he’s innocent or not I don’t know, but the FACT is that he claims he is, which is all the BBC are saying).

    You know what the trouble is with people like Jeff of London? I’ll tell you, shall I? It’s not the bias of the BBC – it’s the LACK of bias. They want the BBC to act like certain tabloids (“SCUMBAG FURRIN TERRORIST BABY KILLER’S BID FOR FREEDOM”) – if the BBC don’t condemn it, it must mean the BBC supports it.

    I know this is not on topic, or even funny, but I find people like Jeff (and I don’t swear often) bloody annoying, so I’m just letting off a little steam.

    There, I feel better now.

    And before You Know Who chips in, I should say I still don’t work for the BBC.

  59. on 14 Aug 2009 at 1:20 pm Not Officially a Doctor

    Magician Assisted Suicide

    “From today’s londonpaper, on Baby P:

    Why not castrate the two brothers (the old fashioned way)

    Has it changed? Do we do it with lasers now?”

    Sorry to side the HYS-ers here, but nowadays they do it chemically (basically kills your balls rather than remove them) so this seething idiot is actually making a valid point.

  60. on 14 Aug 2009 at 2:15 pm Kelvin

    And if he is innocent, again as trotted out by the biased broadcasting company, why don’t the real culprits own up from their safe havens? If they were men with honour they would do to spare an ill man from prison.

    Jeff, London

    It is a chilling thought, isn’t it, that the people who put bombs on planes filled with innocent travellers set to explode as they fly over towns full of innocent Scots, might not be honourable. Brr. Chill down my spine there.

  61. on 14 Aug 2009 at 2:45 pm Magician Assisted Suicide

    @NOAD: fair do’s. Referring to it as “the old fashioned way” seems a bit quaint tho’.

  62. on 14 Aug 2009 at 2:46 pm alt-f4

    set to explode as they fly over towns full of innocent Scots

    To stick to the FACTS, it was set to explode over the Atlantic. The dead scots are what HYSers might call “collatoral damage”. The targets were almost entirely US servicemen.

    Ironically, the bomb was almost certainly planted on Iranian orders as a reprisal for the shooting down of an Iranian airliner by the USS Vincennes. The chief suspect being a known Syrian bomb-maker now living in Sweden. However, in late 1990 Syrian support was essential in order to kick-off the war against Iraq. This is the point when Lybian involvement was first “identified”, and, incidentally, when British revenge against Qadaffi was demanded for his supplying of the IRA, in itself revenge for the UK support of the US bombing of Tripoli a few years earlier…

    Oh fuck it, let’s go back to the HYS version: “‘e’s a wog. Hang ‘im”.

  63. on 14 Aug 2009 at 2:56 pm Kelvin

    To stick to the FACTS, it was set to explode over the Atlantic. The dead scots are what HYSers might call “collatoral damage”. The targets were almost entirely US servicemen.

    Well, specifically it was set to explode at a rough altitude which the plane could have been expected to encounter at a point in its flight where it was either over the Atlantic, or over Scotland as it did.

    Shocking to think that the kind of honourable men Jeff from London is appealing to would use such an inaccurate triggering method to put people at risk from their entirely honourable terrorist act though.

  64. on 14 Aug 2009 at 3:03 pm alt-f4

    Shocking to think that the kind of honourable men Jeff from London is appealing to would use such an inaccurate triggering method

    Jeff to you and me. Jafferia bin Atta-Laden-Nidal to his friends.

  65. on 14 Aug 2009 at 4:28 pm John Adair

    Well, specifically it was set to explode at a rough altitude which the plane could have been expected to encounter at a point in its flight where it was either over the Atlantic, or over Scotland as it did.

    Shocking to think that the kind of honourable men Jeff from London is appealing to would use such an inaccurate triggering method to put people at risk from their entirely honourable terrorist act though.

    Remind me how many innocent arabs have died at the hands of those “honourable” men Blair and Bush. I think the Lockerbie bomber should hang, but I also think Bliar and Bush should be trailed under warcrimes and hang with him.

  66. on 14 Aug 2009 at 4:28 pm John Adair

    Or even trialed!

  67. on 14 Aug 2009 at 4:38 pm Kelvin

    I rather like the idea of trailing them under a war crime. It feels alternately like a promo played during the end credits of a TV show, or the two of them being tied to the axle of a warthog and driven through Basra.

  68. on 14 Aug 2009 at 4:48 pm Kelvin

    “That was Machine-gunning civilians with Shane Ritchie. Coming up next on ITV4, An Audience With Bush and Blair – ventriloquism fun for all the family!”

  69. on 14 Aug 2009 at 6:51 pm The Pope

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mehmet_Ali_A%C4%9Fca
    “Does anybody know the phone number of a competent and affordable assassin? I have decided to launch a terror campaign against employees of the Daily Mail, starting with Richard Littlejohn and then the editor responsible for the category, ‘vile gloating at celebs imperfect beach bodies’. Is The Jackal still in business? No have-a-go thugs or religious extremists please, I need a professional.”
    You could try this bloke who had a pop at my predecessor, but you may need to spring him from a Turkish jail. Watch Midnight Express which should serve you well as a training video.

  70. on 14 Aug 2009 at 7:55 pm Bit Special AKA La Speshi

    Although Littlejohn must be the primary target, I feel strongly that the Editor responsible for the ‘Women are the subhuman whores of Satan and are always in the wrong no matter what they do (even if it’s what we dictate to be right)’ articles should be a higher priority than ‘vile gloating at celebs’ imperfect beach bodies’. Then Peter Hitchens at no. 4.

    Also, assassins are no good – they would just dispatch these monsters skilfully and with a minimum of pain and foreknowledge. They must be made to suffer. To SUFFER, do you hear me? Something that makes the Saw series of films seem like The Flumps*.

    *Bet everyone over 30 is humming the theme tune in their heads now. Buahahahhaha… oh shit, I can’t make it stop. Arse. Do-do, Do-do, Do-do-do-do.

  71. on 14 Aug 2009 at 8:52 pm Bit Special AKA La Spesh

    La Speshi? What happened there?

  72. on 14 Aug 2009 at 9:23 pm sqrt(-1)

    @La Spesh

    Do-do, Do-do, Do-do-do-do.

    Curse you! I’ll be singing the theme tune to Hong Kong Fooey next! :(

  73. on 14 Aug 2009 at 9:28 pm cpir

    “aphorism” – A brief statement which expresses an observation on life, usually intended as a wise observation.

    My prefered solution would be to never go to war again. Or is that too simple.
    Aaron, Leeds.

    Who is friend who is foe?
    layla perysima, london, United Kingdom

    War never changes.
    Town Cryier, nodnol

    I’m more worried about robots who kill under the pretence of Islam.
    Barrington Bugg, United Kingdom

    As long as the robots can be programmed to resist religion.
    Doctor Sensible, edinburgh, United Kingdom

    Exterminate! Exterminate!
    Jean Manuforti, London

  74. on 14 Aug 2009 at 11:12 pm The Doctor

    I knew they’d get into this thread somehow. I’ve killed you all once, now piss off back to oblivion. Yes, I’m looking at you Dalek Khan!

  75. on 14 Aug 2009 at 11:16 pm Clovis Sangrail

    @ La Spesh – NOT Peter Hitch, please no. Unless he is half killed, then is brought back to life as a killer cyborg robot and has to fight a gladiatorial combat (with appropriate Star Trekky music) with his bro Chris, armed only with rolled up copies of The Daily Mail and The Morning Star. Damn this caffeine addiction of mine

  76. on 14 Aug 2009 at 11:23 pm Commodius Maximus

    Does anybody know the phone number of a competent and affordable assassin?

    00873 682505331

    Ask for a Mr Laden, Osama bin.

    No, I think you’ll find that’s 1984ReturnsForReal’s wife’s mobile number.

  77. on 14 Aug 2009 at 11:51 pm funny peculiar

    (very very very specifically @ Mme La Spesh… Sssssssss I saw you tack that plural apostrophe to the word “celebs” during a standard cut-n-paste quote maneuver… Correct me, would ya? Mock me, would ya? Tidy up my stuff, eh? Well looky here missy pedant-pants, I’ll have you know etc etc etc Why I oughta… ad infinitum)

    assassins are no good – they would just dispatch thes’e monsters skilfully and with a minimum of pain and foreknowledge. They must be made to suffer. To SUFFER, do you hear me? B.S.

    Wrt to “SUFFER”… we seek justice not vengeance. The OH-SO-FUCKING-GORGEOUS luxury of an up close and personal violent orgy of luxurious blood splattered killing of Richard Littlejohn would, sadly, not bring about our long term objectives. Our HYS emotions tell us that the Daily Mail employees should be made to squirm beneath our righteous hand, but our higher minded librulness tells us that we cannot afford the luxury of visceral outbursts. In short we need a sniper to blow Littlejohn’s head off at 500m and it’s clean and it’s done. Hence… we need a professional. Remember Spesh… we are the good guys. Hmmm? *smug face emoticon*

  78. on 15 Aug 2009 at 1:38 am Bit Special AKA La Spesh

    @FP – do you also want me to correct the stray apostrophe in your quote, or have you already spotted it? *shit-eating arsehole grin emoticon*

    Hence… we need a professional. Remember Spesh… we are the good guys

    But… (bottom lip starts to tremble)… that’s not FAIR! Speshy want bloodshed of massive bastards. And Speshy want it NOW. NOOOWWWWWWW! (stamps foot and glares at nasty, stinky FP with pleading eyes brimming with tears)

  79. on 15 Aug 2009 at 1:39 am Bit Special AKA La Spesh

    I may have gone slightly mad with insomnia.

  80. on 15 Aug 2009 at 12:59 pm Mal

    On reflection and being a good librul maybe Daily Mail journalists aren’t actually evil* just ill and that a course of Kadir-Buxton slap ‘n’ fist might cure them thus allowing them to once more be useful citizens and make a contribution to civilized society.

    *Amanda Platell excepted as being the living proof of the reality of evil in the world, giving herself in pain and pleasure to her father Beelzebub each night and then vomiting forth his black and bitter seed from her body to defile humanity with lies and hatred.

  81. on 15 Aug 2009 at 4:36 pm 442

    To stick to the FACTS, it was set to explode over the Atlantic. The dead scots are what HYSers might call “collatoral damage”. The targets were almost entirely US servicemen.
    alt-f4

    Passengers almost all US servicemen? Source please, or else you’re a member of the tin hat brigade.

  82. on 15 Aug 2009 at 6:39 pm Bit Special AKA La Spesh

    @Mal – do you fancy Amanda Platell or summat? That bitchwhore of Satan doesn’t deserve to be let off the hook with an almost affectionate description like that.

  83. on 15 Aug 2009 at 8:02 pm Mal

    @La Spesh

    Just old fashioned gallantry. Despite all this new-fangled womanism (or whatever it’s called) I still think women are the weaker sex and should be treated more gently. OK, so technically Platell is a fiend of Hell in woman’s form but still…

    Either that or the way she trembled in orgasm on hearing of the death of Max Mosley’s son got me hard.

  84. on 17 Aug 2009 at 9:11 am That Bloke in the corner

    Well this thread seems to have gone a little stale.

  85. on 17 Aug 2009 at 10:57 am mejoff

    I have to admit, I am slightly scared of the killer robots. When the company than manufactures the EATR (the autonomous combat robot which can power itself from ‘biomass’) for the US miltary feels the need to issue a press release which boils down to ‘It’s ok, we can totally program them not to eat the people they kill’ I don’t think it’s irrational to worry just a little bit.

  86. on 17 Aug 2009 at 12:17 pm Paranoid Mandroid

    @ mejoff

    Jesus Christ, I’ve just googled that EATR thing…is it for real?! Why build something like that? I can’t think of any non-evil applications for a giant armed robot that needs to eat things to stay alive. They’ll be building death rays next.

    If I’m right.

  87. on 17 Aug 2009 at 12:31 pm mejoff

    I was unconvinced that it was real at first, but they are a genuine company and that is their genuine site.

    Sadly, looking at it again today, I find they’ve updated the ‘Important message’ to be more genuinely reassuring, and therefore less amusing than the original.

  88. on 17 Aug 2009 at 12:39 pm Paranoid Mandroid

    Desecration of the dead is a war crime under Article 15 of the Geneva Conventions, and is certainly not something sanctioned by DARPA, Cyclone or RTI.
    “We completely understand the public’s concern about futuristic robots feeding on the human population, but that is not our mission,” stated Harry Schoell, Cyclone’s CEO.

    That still made me laugh though…

  89. on 17 Aug 2009 at 12:42 pm Chris

    …feels the need to issue a press release which boils down to ‘It’s ok, we can totally program them not to eat the people they kill’ I don’t think it’s irrational to worry just a little bit.

    The press release said nothing of the sort. EATR is designed to use foragable plant matter and conventional fuels. It’s not in any way designed to eat or process flesh of any kind into fuel, except maybe bugs that get caught up in the plant matter.

    Nor is there any suggestion that EATR will be a machine that takes part in fighting, except as a support unit – to carry, fetch and support humans doing the fighting.

    We can’t create a Mars rover that doesn’t fuck up at the first hurdle on an unpopulated planet, you think we’re at Terminator stage yet? Christ, you’re as bad as Paul.

    Civvy applications for the robot technology would include search and rescue and scientific exploration. And you’re forgetting the core of the project, which is the biomass engine itself – that alone is worth DARPA’s money in research for civilian applications.

    Er. End message.

  90. on 17 Aug 2009 at 12:53 pm Paranoid Mandroid

    Yeah, well, don’t come running to me when your planet gets taken over by evil vegetarian robots from the future…

  91. on 17 Aug 2009 at 12:54 pm Paranoid Mandroid

    Oh, and I seem to remember Hitler being a vegetarian…

  92. on 17 Aug 2009 at 1:21 pm Ceannair

    Now Hitler, HE could have done with the Kadir-Buxton method!

  93. on 17 Aug 2009 at 2:46 pm Rotwatcher

    Oh, and I seem to remember Hitler being a vegetarian…

    So was Gandhi, the dhoti-wearing bastard. Which just goes to prove that vegetarian = genocidal nutjob.

  94. on 17 Aug 2009 at 4:17 pm mejoff

    @Chris
    Jeez man, calm down. If you read my second post you’ll see that they changed the statement (this happened about a week after it was brought to my attention) taking out the comedy references to programming, and replacing them with comedy references to war-crimes.

  95. on 17 Aug 2009 at 4:24 pm Ed aka Nearly Craig

    So was Gandhi, the dhoti-wearing bastard.

    “Dhoti”. That’s pronounced “fish”, right?

  96. on 17 Aug 2009 at 9:49 pm George Bernard Shaw

    @Ed aka Nearly Craig. That’s “ghoti”, as you well know.

  97. on 18 Aug 2009 at 2:33 am Ed aka Nearly Craig

    Obviously you’re a genocidal Nazi. How else could you work for the BBC?

  98. on 18 Aug 2009 at 4:40 am Chris

    mejoff

    @Chris
    Jeez man, calm down. If you read my second post you’ll see that they changed the statement (this happened about a week after it was brought to my attention) taking out the comedy references to programming, and replacing them with comedy references to war-crimes.

    Yes, but arguing with the internet makes my day, because not only won’t the cat argue with me, but it also won’t respond emotionally in any way.

  99. on 18 Aug 2009 at 8:02 am That Bloke in the Corner

    @Chris, that’s bastard cats for you.

  100. on 18 Aug 2009 at 9:09 am Ceannair

    Yes, but arguing with the internet makes my day, because not only won’t the cat argue with me, but it also won’t respond emotionally in any way.

    Little know cat fact – “muroow” means “bastud furrins taking my Whiskas”.

    Just FYI – the cat might be making a valid political statement/illogical mad rant*

    * delete as per cat.

  101. on 18 Aug 2009 at 9:49 am Tomsk

    Wellington’s laser misfired and somehow re-energised Jimmy Tarbuck’s career.

    Run for your lives!

  102. on 18 Aug 2009 at 1:00 pm Mim

    Ceannair, my cat says “Mao, Mao!” but I have no idea what that could mean. She can’t be a communist as that’s about as un-cat as you can get. Maybe she’s mocking his lack of ambition.

  103. on 18 Aug 2009 at 1:06 pm Magician Assisted Suicide

    I really hope this story spawns a HYS topic.

  104. on 18 Aug 2009 at 1:26 pm Clovis Sangrail?

    @Magician Assisted Suicide – I agree; less for the zombies and more for the professor named Robert Smith? – question mark being part of his name no less. When the zombies come I’m throwing him to them first.

  105. on 18 Aug 2009 at 1:34 pm Liberal Left And Proud

    Clovis Sangrail?

    @Magician Assisted Suicide – I agree; less for the zombies and more for the professor named Robert Smith? – question mark being part of his name no less. When the zombies come I’m throwing him to them first.

    ………………….

    You know what the comments will be “Bloody zombies, coming here and killing everybody, they’re all on benefits you know. Shouldn’t be allowed, its a nulieba plot to kill BNP voters.

  106. on 18 Aug 2009 at 1:49 pm Paranoid Mandroid

    I think if Prof Robert Smith? is so concerned about being confused with the singer from The Cure, he should just get rid of the Smith entirely, and go by the name of Professor ?
    Then he could be a Batman villain and unleash his zombie hordes across eastern Canada. Until the Americans send their EATR machine over the border to gobble them all up…

  107. on 18 Aug 2009 at 2:10 pm Chris

    @Mandroid

    Clearly the EATR is designed to eat dead flesh, and as zombie flesh is most patently undead, you are guilty of the highest form of robot-zombie related ignorance possible.

  108. on 18 Aug 2009 at 3:21 pm That Bloke in the Corner

    I can’t help wondering if Robert Smith (the Cure) has been is on the Prof’s radar-last I saw of him on’t telly he was looking extremely Zombie like.
    PS. what does purrp-mewop mean in cat speak?, mine keeps doing it of an evening and it is getting annoying now, any translation would be good ‘cos shouting ‘bugger off you fury bastard’ isn’t really the reply I feel he is looking for.

  109. on 18 Aug 2009 at 3:48 pm Paranoid Mandroid

    @Chris

    Oops, sorry, my mistake. I’ll Kadir-Buxton myself on the head as punishment.

    @TBITC

    A rough translation of purrp-mewop is “I can has remote now? Heroes on in five min”

  110. on 18 Aug 2009 at 3:54 pm Ed aka Nearly Craig

    @TBITC

    Please, PLEASE say: “lol kthx”

  111. on 18 Aug 2009 at 4:00 pm That Bloke in the Corner

    No cat gets the remote in my house (takes me all my time to prise it out of the good lady’s hands)

  112. on 18 Aug 2009 at 7:38 pm Henry's Cat

    Why not castrate the two brothers (the old fashioned way)

    If the Baby P guys are due a castration, what’s in store for the mother? A Kadir-Buxton double handclap?

    Oh, and none of that kthanxbai nonsense from me, thank you very much!