Retired Colonels07 Oct 2009 08:56 am
By Gainsbourg

I proudly present “Gainsbourg”, our newest SYB author. Hopefully he’ll inject a bit of life into this place and stop me wanting to stab myself in the eye. Either that or he’ll get bored and fuck off, leaving Alex and me alone once again, trudging our bleary way through this blizzard of terrifying wank.
- Nelson

Thanks to Sheldon The Mighty for bringing to our attention this twathammer, who breathed the following, almost unbearably poignant sigh of soft, furry humanity after reading about the death of a 19-year-old man at a freshers’ event.

Is there anyone left in this country who knuckles down to hard work,graft and toil rather than this Sodom and Gomorrah attitude towards everything?

Nobody wishes to be a killjoy but surely social events and celebrations should be at the end of an academic year not at the beginning?

Who is it who runs these establishments? Don’t they have tutorials and curriculae and deadlines anymore? What has happened to competition?No wonder we are the laughing stock of the world and all and sundry are queueing up to get into the country.How can a a student possibly have the spare cash for a drunken orgy? It’s all this lending which creates a louche atmosphere. I even overheard a student recently saying he was going to swap courses because the gown and hood on the other course was better.

In my day you never discussed whether you would get a degree and nobody ever talked about a graduation ceremony. You were just grateful to be there and worried sick about staying the course.
james allen, manchester england

Aye, your day, when a university student had neither the time nor resources to indulge in anything beyond dehumanising toil and sleep. When, robed in sackcloths, he lived his life in terrified silence, never looking his fellow students in the eye, never dwelling for a moment on his privilege, lest it all slip through his desperate, clutching fingers, like a rope made of farts. Upon graduation, he would emerge, blinking, from his first few gloomy years of adulthood, a dead-eyed, unfeeling automaton.

University of Glasgow, class of 1752, yeah?

47 Responses to “The Protestant Work Ethic”

  1. on 07 Oct 2009 at 9:23 am Dear Uncle Napoleon

    How can both Britain be the laughing stock of the world and all and sundry be queueing up to get into the country?

    Anyway, I even overheard a bogus asylum seeker recently saying he was going to swap countries because the pitiful hovels and shitty jobs were better.

    You couldn’t make it up! Although I just did.

  2. on 07 Oct 2009 at 9:26 am sausage

    ‘I even overheard a student…’ what a load of wank, I can imagine him lying awake at night, grinding his teeth imagining things “.. I bet they even swap courses if the gowns are better on a different course. Why, the debt ridden malingerers. I’m going to tell on them about that too..”

  3. on 07 Oct 2009 at 9:30 am millie

    How can both Britain be the laughing stock of the world and all and sundry be queueing up to get into the country?

    /
    A long queue made up of immigrants who like a good laugh?

  4. on 07 Oct 2009 at 9:32 am millie

    bollox

  5. on 07 Oct 2009 at 9:50 am Ecce Romani

    “Curriculae”? Someone seems to have been pissed during their latin lessons.

  6. on 07 Oct 2009 at 10:15 am Romanii ite domum

    So, according to James The Graduate, some poor kid who has a heart attack at his fresher’s ball proves Britain is a lazy, third world country bereft of standards due to immigration and easy credit.

    I think James probably dropped the Critical Thinking module in Year Two in favour of An Introduction to Blinkered Splenetic Ranting with Professor Hitchens.

  7. on 07 Oct 2009 at 10:28 am Bit Special AKA La Spesh

    Not only is James Allen a heartless, thick, ignorant, lying piece of shit, he’s also a plagiarising piece of shit. There was some guff a few days ago in one of the rags – Dail Heil, I believe – about a girl who swapped her course because she found out the graduation gowns for the new course had a pink lining. Despite it being complete bollocks (the journo – if they can be called that – said that they had ‘overheard’ the remark and anyway, who finds out what your cap and gown are going to be like before the day?), it’s now entered the ‘problem with young people today’ section right-wing bandwagon-jumper’s Canon of Proving The Country Is Going To Hell In A Hand Cart, and we can expect this made-up pile of horseshit to be wheeled out every September/October as an opener to rant about students as surely as the whole ‘Winterval’ chest nut is used without fail every bloody December.

    Not funny, but helpful. I wore bright yellow sandals at my first graduation. It seemed a good idea in the 90s.

  8. on 07 Oct 2009 at 10:29 am Bit Special AKA La Spesh

    That should be ‘section of the’. Fucksocks.

  9. on 07 Oct 2009 at 10:29 am Chris

    Hey, that kid died at Koko, and Mr Scruff is on at Koko on the 24th.

    Is that coincidence I got that email? No, liberal fucking conspiracy again.

  10. on 07 Oct 2009 at 10:41 am funny peculiar

    Jeez… Gainsborough’s definitely no oil painting, but his/her portrait of bygone student days made me chortle heartily…

    “lest it all slip through his desperate, clutching fingers, like a rope made of farts.”

    Top quality.

  11. on 07 Oct 2009 at 11:14 am Parrott

    I think it’s fairly impressive how in 1752 they had deadlines before the course actually started.

  12. on 07 Oct 2009 at 11:52 am Knife crimer with a free PS3

    No, liberal fucking conspiracy again.

    Damn liberals and their orgies.

  13. on 07 Oct 2009 at 12:46 pm Makhno

    Hey, have the Nazis gone? Good to see we’re de-blahed, hope the site survives – I seriously thought it was dead.

  14. on 07 Oct 2009 at 12:53 pm Mine's a yard of vodka !

    hmm yes this “sodom and gomorrah” concept is pretty damn new !

    http://www.google.co.uk/search?q=history+of+drunken+behaviour+at+cambridge+university&hl=en&sa=G&tbs=tl:1&tbo=u&ei=ZH_MSt74HdDW-QaV8ozpBA&oi=timeline_result&ct=title&resnum=11

  15. on 07 Oct 2009 at 1:00 pm Angry, Yates

    WHY WAS I NOT CONSULTED BEFORE THESE SO CALLED’ ‘YOONEEYVERSITIES’ PLANNED THEIR SOCIAL CALENDER?

  16. on 07 Oct 2009 at 1:07 pm Tegid

    ‘YOONEEYVERSITIES’?

    Looneeyversities, more like.

    If I’m right.

    No, wait. I just checked. I’m not.

  17. on 07 Oct 2009 at 1:38 pm millie the pink

    @vodkadrinker
    Pretty dull between 1473 and 1885!

  18. on 07 Oct 2009 at 1:39 pm That Bloke in the Corner

    It’s all this lending which creates a louche atmosphere

    mmm, so if I lend my neighbour a cup os sugar,am I creating a louche atmos?
    Ban all lending of anything,no more louching.

  19. on 07 Oct 2009 at 1:45 pm Stewart

    The original article reports how the poor boy was suffering heart palputations before he even went to the nightclub, while having lunch with his parents.

    Mr Allen presumably feels one should not use ones heart until the school bell rings to mark the start of class. Certainly there is no evidence of Mr Allen using his heart in the above posting.

  20. on 07 Oct 2009 at 1:49 pm That Bloke in the Corner

    Having now read the article I discover,

    ‘At the weekend, I believe on Sunday, he had lunch with his family and complained of a rapid beating in his chest.

    ‘He then went to a nightclub in Camden High Street where he subsequently collapsed.’

    Reading more, there appears to be no suggestion that this lad was a typical binge drinking layabout student,apart from the Heils suggestion that drink was in his general vacinity. So as per usual the Daily Heil is whipping the olides up to a frenzy and will no doubt start an online petition to have all drinking,parties and fun banned until one reaches the age of 56. Once this age has been attained you shall be allowed a weekly small sweet sherry at the vicarage of a Friday (Of course it will be a male vicar and CofE,none of these paedo Catholic charlatans.

  21. on 07 Oct 2009 at 1:53 pm Chris

    Actually loved that he obviously didn’t get to the end of that article – Koko’s had an all-you-can-drink for £15 offer on that night.

  22. on 07 Oct 2009 at 1:55 pm john Adair's Gerbil

    Nobody wishes to be a killjoy but…

    Can I point out something to you, james?

    Any sentence that starts with a proposition and then follows it with “, but…” is being asserted by a possum’s paltry penis.

  23. on 07 Oct 2009 at 2:01 pm hillhunt

    Why oh why is everyone ignoring the real big issue? Apparently the commies who work at the BBC would happily shag five-year-olds to preserve the licence fee.

    Well, Biased BBC thinks so. But then they also think that people volunteer to sniff Gordon Brown’s underpants.

  24. on 07 Oct 2009 at 2:08 pm Xiu

    Apparently James pays for his orgies, like any honest, hard working Brit!

  25. on 07 Oct 2009 at 2:11 pm My Foot Hurts.

    who finds out what your cap and gown are going to be like before the day?

    I did, actually – at my uni, those reading my subject (and BSc’ers) traditionally wear palatinate-lined hoods at graduation. Honestly – three years’ hard graft and I had to wear pink* when I took my degree.

    Anyway, I took my degree before all these new-fangled loans and stuff, but from the sound of it, freshers’ week is no different to what it was in my day, and imao is VITAL to a healthy university life – most freshers are young, away from home for the first time, don’t know anybody, and are frankly scared shitless.

    Getting pissed and shagging anything that moves is a great way to break the ice.

    Maybe James Allen was worried sick about staying the course because he simply wasn’t clever enough to be there? Or perhaps because he uses words like ‘curriculae’ instead of ‘curricula’ so his tutors thought him an annoying prat?

    * they say it’s purple, but I know pink when I see it.

  26. on 07 Oct 2009 at 2:24 pm Mine's a yard of vodka !

    Millie the Pink – If i recall correctly James Allen was dean of Cambridge University between 1473 and 1885

  27. on 07 Oct 2009 at 2:47 pm millie

    That explains how he got to be so wise.

  28. on 07 Oct 2009 at 3:29 pm James Allen's mummy

    My son has always been a bit peculiar. His favourite pastime was wanking, he would also openly question his self worth with total strangers. We got him a broadband subscription for his birthday and he’s just so much happier now..

  29. on 07 Oct 2009 at 3:41 pm millie

    @Mrs Allen

    My son has always been a bit peculiar. … so much happier now

    Funny peculiar?

  30. on 07 Oct 2009 at 3:44 pm That Bloke in the Corner

    You were just grateful to be there and worried sick about staying the course.
    james allen, manchester england

    Bet you think that everynight James when you get in bed with Mrs Allen

  31. on 07 Oct 2009 at 3:48 pm Martin Brundle

    Bah! I thought we’d heard the last of James Allen.

  32. on 07 Oct 2009 at 4:05 pm naich

    My son has always been a bit peculiar. His favourite pastime was wanking…

    What is peculiar about that?

  33. on 07 Oct 2009 at 4:35 pm He's Spartacus

    James, old sock, you forgot to mention the daily diet of clay and deadly nightshade c
    gruel, the floggings and the two hours a day on the treadmill.

    Those were the days, eh?

    I wonder what your take is on the Bullingdon Club.

  34. on 07 Oct 2009 at 6:25 pm Unpaid Bill

    Wow James Allen you formed such a succinct argument. Must be great being a sociopath. Cunt.

    P.S. Your mum!

  35. on 07 Oct 2009 at 9:00 pm funny peculiar

    …But then they also think that people volunteer to sniff Gordon Brown’s underpants.
    hillhunt

    marginally preferable to sniffing Gordon’s brown underpants, I suppose.

  36. on 07 Oct 2009 at 9:51 pm hillhunt

    Indeed. Sniffing Gordon Brown’s brown underpants is precisely what they have in mind. Along with ramming red hot pokers down people’s throats.

  37. on 08 Oct 2009 at 12:32 am funny peculiar

    I wore bright yellow sandals at my first graduation. – Bit Special

    Who is it who runs these establishments? Don’t they have tutorials and curriculae and deadlines anymore? What has happened to competition?No wonder we are the laughing stock of the world and all and sundry are queueing up to get into the country.How can a student possibly have the spare cash for a pair of lesbian immigrant sandals?

  38. on 08 Oct 2009 at 7:13 pm ThoughtGrenade

    Wow, this is really gearing me up for university life. I can’t wait to have a pair of lesbian immigrant sandals of my very own…

  39. on 09 Oct 2009 at 12:02 am Pirate Pete

    I saw Bit Spesh’s post and read “yellow immigrants wearing sandals” – anyway I thought lesbians invariably wore big bovver boots?

    That being said, I do wonder whether these HYSers foaming at the mouth at other people’s enjoyment would benefit from regular sex and booze and, as a consequence, might keep their thoughts to themselves. Probably if, of course, I’m right.

  40. on 09 Oct 2009 at 1:44 am Bit Special AKA La Spesh

    I’m not a bloody lesbian. My incredible fashion sense is clearly lost on you naff bastards.

  41. on 09 Oct 2009 at 8:44 am Knife crimer with a free PS3

    It’s OK, Spesh, you don’t have to hide your true self: we accept you as you are *hugs*

    Arf.

  42. on 09 Oct 2009 at 11:26 am Alex

    And the Nobel Prize for Inappropriate Caveats When Someone Has Died goes to:

    Nobody wishes to be a killjoy but…

  43. on 09 Oct 2009 at 12:37 pm Bit Special AKA La Spesh

    Try that again and I’ll throttle you with my dungaree straps.

  44. on 09 Oct 2009 at 2:04 pm My Foot Hurts.

    I hate to sound like I belong on HYS (and I like students, I really do), but the spelling and grammar on the following (from the student loans thread) almost made me fetch up my lunch:

    I aplied for my loans well back in March and still havnt receaved any money. I also spent my last 30 pounds on credit just to use it all up Being put hold hold. Only to be told they didnt have my details and i would have to re-apply and it will take up to 6-8 weeks! Staff are not trained enough to cope with so many desperate student’s. The thing that ticks me off the most is that they can’t evan offer you just a mini loan til they catched up?

    Joe Clayton, Tetsworth

    To be fair to the guy, maybe he was just seriously hungover. Yeah, that’ll be it.

  45. on 09 Oct 2009 at 3:03 pm Chris

    No, he’s just a really desperate student. I mean, that cunt can’t even fucking spell. I’d be desperate to be a student if my spelling looked like it came from a dictionary written by a Samuel Johnson who was being constantly raped throughout the manuscript state.

  46. on 13 Oct 2009 at 4:14 pm Katie

    This is my favourite comment on that article:

    This article speaks for itself. What else can one add?

    - Frank LeMoyne, North Carolina US,

    I can’t believe there are still people who read ‘Leave your comments below’ and interpret it as an instruction.

  47. on 17 Oct 2009 at 10:45 am link test

    Natural Environment Blog