Delusions of Grandeur and Retired Colonels08 Oct 2009 09:12 am
By Nelson

Thanks to Glenn who points out that this one “works really well if you read it in the style of Saruman just before he duffs Gandalf up”.

Eire – how sad! It’s hopeless – having sold its sovereignty for a few pieces of silver.

And the UK? How is it a former great nation is allowing itself to be subsumed and has lost the will to stand alone and yet take a lead and be distinctive? Of course, a kingdom divided against itself (by “Devolution”) is ruined! And its laws, Mr Megrahi, are in tatters.

In the “plurality” of Europe there is no “common sense” – no sense held in common! It will take a millennium to come to an accommodation.
[incandescere], Barnsley, United Kingdom

48 Responses to “Orthwank”

  1. on 08 Oct 2009 at 9:24 am Jones

    It will take a millennium to come to an accommodation.

    Easy. Just make a bunch of rings, give them to various leaders and make another one to rule them all. Tsk. No imagination.

  2. on 08 Oct 2009 at 9:49 am funny peculiar

    It will take a millennium to come to an accommodation. – Incandescere

    *sigh* non-native speakers and their mangled English. Incandescere… “It will take a long time to find our hotel.” and accommadation is a non-count-noun remember, we did it last lesson?

  3. on 08 Oct 2009 at 10:28 am john Adair's Gerbil

    Why’s he addressing his tirade to Mr. Megrahi?

  4. on 08 Oct 2009 at 10:31 am Chris

    That reads like E.E. Cummings with PTSD.

  5. on 08 Oct 2009 at 10:55 am Scaryduck

    And then Gandalf rose from his shackles and bummed his face off.

    THE END

  6. on 08 Oct 2009 at 11:02 am dirigible

    I find it’s better if you read it in the voice of Disney’s version of Eeyore.

  7. on 08 Oct 2009 at 11:05 am Chris

    I think it’s better if you scoop out your eyeballs with your fingers before you read it.

  8. on 08 Oct 2009 at 11:10 am Sir Alf Ramsey's Porn Dungeon

    NONE SHALL PASS

    (well aside from the em-er-grants obviously)

  9. on 08 Oct 2009 at 11:12 am Sir Alf Ramsey's Porn Dungeon

    @Chris, ain’t that a bit Pan’s Labyrinth?

  10. on 08 Oct 2009 at 11:15 am Chris

    I don’t know, I’ve never bought cookware.

  11. on 08 Oct 2009 at 11:56 am Rod Wrongnob

    As he’s in Barnsley, I say Brian Glover, as that bloke in the pub in American Werewolf In London.

  12. on 08 Oct 2009 at 12:15 pm funny peculiar

    Down periscope! Tin hats on! Crash Postions! There’s a poetry thread on HYS. Moon, June, Spoon, Broon… DUCK and COVER! This is not a drill!

    some comments will get published
    while others comments don’t.
    some later comments get posted
    whilst earlier comments don’t

    is it completey random?
    or do some get special treatment.
    they’re hard worked comments locked away
    where no-one will ‘ere read them.

    if they break the house rules
    then comments should be rejected.
    not left in moderation queues
    simply never to be selected

    taxedintotheground bybrown, ournationaldebtismassive

  13. on 08 Oct 2009 at 1:03 pm Silent Koala

    Oh my sweet suffering fuck. People have actually been kneecapped for less over here.

  14. on 08 Oct 2009 at 1:03 pm Chris

    I see your taxedintotheground by brown, and raise you a Jim Corrigan!

    Some comments will get published,
    whilst others simply wont,
    Later comments oft appear.
    when other earlier comments don’t

    If they break the house rules,
    then why don’t you reject them?
    rather than keep them in moderation purgatory
    never slated for selection?

    Is it truly random?
    or do some get special treatment
    destined to be for ere held back
    so no-one ever reads them?

    Jim Corrigan, Gateway City

  15. on 08 Oct 2009 at 1:04 pm pigfrottage du monde

    Touchingly sad. Poetry sucks…

    The worst words in a stupid order to keep to an artificial metre.

  16. on 08 Oct 2009 at 1:30 pm Gainsbourg

    I can just see Jim Corrigan sitting at a laptop with a worn-out F5 key, hopeful little face and shoulders drooping sadly every time the page reloads. I can actually see him now. I’m looking through his window

  17. on 08 Oct 2009 at 2:18 pm funny peculiar

    I didnt discover kipllings IF untill I was age 30 = ive modelled my life on it ever since.

    Upyours, Hullish


    If you can put down others, before they can put down you.
    And tell the cunt, “fuck off, you twat!”, while you’re about it too.

  18. on 08 Oct 2009 at 2:28 pm That Bloke in the Corner

    And its laws, Mr Megrahi, are in tatters.

    As Mr Megrahi’s lawyer I think that the legal system is fine as it is and my Client is over the moon. Keep it up UK

  19. on 08 Oct 2009 at 4:01 pm jbd

    Isn’t Mr Megrahi the bloke who did Darkplace, I really don’t get what he has to do with the law in this country, I don’t even think he is a real person.

  20. on 08 Oct 2009 at 5:42 pm Yossarian

    I thought he was the trainer of the karate kid.

    Wax on…wax off…wax on etc…

  21. on 08 Oct 2009 at 5:54 pm Canary Kid

    At least Barnsley beat Ipswich last Saturday!

  22. on 08 Oct 2009 at 6:08 pm Settle down class Professor Craig here

    I take it there has never been anybody on the “yes we really need to get the Eurocrats to make all our laws & 2 referendums, or none, are so much more democratic than 1″ side it would be possible for Branes to make fun of.

  23. on 08 Oct 2009 at 6:20 pm Manly J. Panda

    Blah blah blahty Craig blah blah blah wankety blah. Blah Comic Book Guy Blah arse bum blahty.

  24. on 08 Oct 2009 at 6:35 pm I No Speako Your Lingo

    I’m sorry Neil, but I don’t speak rural Serbo-Croat. You ought to post in comprehensible English, if you have a question. Look at Manly J. Panda’s post for example, it makes much more sense than yours.

  25. on 08 Oct 2009 at 7:18 pm bedwetting liberal

    I’ve done a pro-EU version of incandescere’s pompous horseshit especially for Neil:

    Eire – how happy! It’s hopeful – having bought its sovereignty for a few pieces of silver.

    And the UK? How is it not a now insignificant nation is allowing itself to be subsumed and has no need of the will to stand alone and yet not take a lead and be distinctive? Of course, a kingdom united in itself (by “Evolution”) is made! And its laws, Mr Megrahi, are not in tatters.
    In the “homogeneity” of Europe there is “common sense” – sense held in common! It will take two minutes to come to an accommodation.
    [incandescere], Barnsley, United Kingdom

    Maybe he will see the funny side?

  26. on 08 Oct 2009 at 8:07 pm He's Spartacus

    Can I suggest substituting incandescere with exstinguere?

  27. on 08 Oct 2009 at 8:31 pm Bit Special AKA La Spesh

    Easy. Just make a bunch of rings, give them to various leaders and make another one to rule them all. Tsk. No imagination.

    And if that doesn’t work, we can flog all them rings to that scary bloke in the Postal Gold advert. He’ll give you good money for all your unwanted gold, honest he will, Gov. I made £346 from some old necklaces I no longer wear. If you’re not totally happy with your quote, your gold will be returned to you. It’s as easy as THAT!

  28. on 08 Oct 2009 at 11:55 pm Pirate Pete

    Ahoy there mateys :) I think incandescere should be made to go on a creative course, because frankly his post is bollox and makes absolutely no sense. Mind you, you’d spout incomprehensible drivel on HYS if you had to live in Barnsley – it’s a f****ng sh*thole

  29. on 09 Oct 2009 at 12:50 am YeGods

    So, a man who “models his life” on Kipling’s ‘If’ decides that ‘UpYours’ is a Kiplingesque name to use on HYS (or Spew your Bile as it might be better termed).

    He’s clearly a Genet’s Genitive Organs.

  30. on 09 Oct 2009 at 5:19 am Chris

    YeGods

    He’s clearly a Genet’s Genitive Organs.

    In this case, genitive does not refer to what you think it refers to…

    …but I agree, in principle. He’s a civet’s cervix.

  31. on 09 Oct 2009 at 7:47 am That Bloke in the Corner

    @YeGods, if we call it Spew Your Bile, then the it will become SYB,which is here, but then thinking about the recent bout of BNP crap that has been flying around, maybe you are right,If I am right?

  32. on 09 Oct 2009 at 9:40 am millie

    it’s a f****ng sh*thole

    Is bad language frowned upon here then?

  33. on 09 Oct 2009 at 9:41 am millie

    A pirate wot minds his P’s & Q’s. Sweet.

  34. on 09 Oct 2009 at 10:42 am Settle down class Professor Craig here

    Nicely done Bedwetting, David miliband couldn’t have put it better.

  35. on 09 Oct 2009 at 11:40 am funny peculiar

    Ulysses S Drivel is a concise and imsightful HYS poster; or at least he would be if he didn’t have the retention of a goldfish and keep getting these FUCKING MOOD SWINGS!!! Here are two of his posts, written 81 minutes apart.

    DEBATE: How important is the role of aid workers?
    SENT:19-Aug-2009 13:06

    COMMENT: I often wonder why aid workers bother; they do their utmost to try and help others and they are often rewarded by being attacked, kidnapped or even killed. I’m afraid if it was me I’d leave those countries to sort themselves out.

    .

    DEBATE: Is enough being done to tackle HIV?
    SENT:19-Aug-2009 11:45

    COMMENT:Why do pop stars think their views are so important when it comes to world affairs? ‘Saint’ Bob Geldof, Bono (world’s most important man ( in his eyes anyway ) ) and now Annie Lennox. Oh, and Madonna.

  36. on 09 Oct 2009 at 11:54 am Jones

    Thanks for that. Now I can picture Ulysses S Drivel ranting away whilst dancing to the bleep of a pelican crossing.

  37. on 09 Oct 2009 at 12:43 pm Bit Special AKA La Spesh

    Thanks for that. Now all I can picture is Ravy Davey Gravy.

  38. on 09 Oct 2009 at 1:03 pm lesbian

    I sent a frozen turd to postal gold, they sent me back a cheque for £18.24, it really was very simple.

  39. on 09 Oct 2009 at 1:09 pm asda

    HYS is working itself into a frenzy after Obama got the Nobel Peace Prize, its funny as hell.

  40. on 09 Oct 2009 at 1:09 pm asda

    Not half as funny as the Fox news site, however. I tihnk there might have been a few suicides.

  41. on 09 Oct 2009 at 1:10 pm asda

    ‘The level of deception Obama seems to be capable of perpetrating is astonishing and has extended beyond our borders…on behalf of our citizenry, World, we apologize for unleashing the antichrist on you… ‘

    winstonsmith84 Florida [Oct 9, 2009 7:02:37 AM]

  42. on 09 Oct 2009 at 1:37 pm Chris

    millie

    A pirate wot minds his P’s & Q’s. Sweet.

    I think it’s because he’s gay. They’re a very clean people. And have been ever since they came here from France… I mean there from France. I mean. Peter Griffin. Kathy Griffin! Dangerous Liaisons! STICK THEM ALL IN CAMPS! FUCKING OTTERS!!!!!!!!!!! GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

  43. on 09 Oct 2009 at 1:48 pm My Foot Hurts.

    Hey, I finally figured out what Neil’s post was supposed to mean!

    God, what a waste of time. That’s 20 minutes of my lunchbreak I won’t see again in a hurry.

    By the way, Neil – you should learn when to use the Oxford comma. That would have saved me a good 5 minutes.

  44. on 09 Oct 2009 at 2:03 pm That Bloke in the Corner

    Just been looking at the Obama thing. I think it is a great lesson in how to wind up twatbaskets but this one really made me guffaw.

    This is a DISCRASE! This so called ‘president,’ has done nothing for peace, apart from ending state sponured US torture and trying to cut down on the amount of US nculear weapons in Europe.

    Why couldn’t this be given to a man who has done lots for peace such as Nick Griffin?

    POLITICAL CORRECTNESS GONE MAD.

    Angry Man, Corby

    Classic HYS turdspurting

  45. on 09 Oct 2009 at 3:09 pm Chris

    That’s irony, right? That’s got to be irony. Anything else would just be fucking stupid.

  46. on 10 Oct 2009 at 12:23 pm Settle down class Professor Craig here

    My Foot I doubt you would have – see if you can manage this in 10.

  47. on 12 Oct 2009 at 8:02 pm Ape

    Professor of what, exactly? Presumably Professor of Illiteracy…unless he is actively trying to come across as a gormless, nonsensical fucktard. Given that Professor means ‘a person who professes to be an expert in some art or science’, and having seen the frankly astounding list of subjects that Mr Craig considers himself expert in (for example, in the building of massive lifts into space and nuclear-powered shipping), I think it is highly likely that he is the worlds foremost Professor of Bullshit.
    To be fair, he could be right about it all, in which case (assuming we aren’t all put to death by our evil European conquerors) I will see you all on our Oort Cloud space colony, which I will get to on a gigantic elevator, and we can all laugh about what twats we looked for mocking him. Or not.

  48. on 13 Oct 2009 at 2:29 am chris

    Someone, somewhere, one time, many moons ago in a galaxy far far away, made a joke about Neil being a retarded gibbon with the educational achievements of a retarded gibbon’s cheesy helmet, and called him “professor”.

    The irony of this is that Neil, by his own admission, doesn’t have any Highers, and probably doesn’t have any Standards either (in both the Scottish educational sense and the literal sense).

    Neil, in his retarded attempt to be humorous, took the title on himself, and he’s stuck with it. I’m sure he laughs himself soiled every time he sees it.