I found Bruce Grant happily blathering away in every thread ever.
Should patent theft be criminalised?
Methinks plagiarism should be a criminal offence, let alone inventions. After all, stories are personal ideas and inventions akin to scientific ones. What say you?
Cuger Brant
Bruce Grant
Bruce says “methinks” a lot. He also says “QED” at the end of quite a lot of his posts. You might start to wonder whether he’s some kind of insufferably pompous wanker but, rest assured, there’s another explanation: Bruce is actually better known as the author “Cuger Brant”! Like all great authors, Bruce cannot help but sprinkle his prose with shit like “dear reader” and “what say you?”.
Bruce is more than just an author though, he’s also a publisher and has published several works by the author “Cuger Brant”! I urge you to go check them out on Amazon. You can even do the “Look Inside” thing and read a few pages. They’re mainly about the environment and technology and are bursting with prophetic warnings.
I think my favourite is “Something Wicked This Way Comes” which features a terrifying vision of what can happen when nanotech goes horribly, horribly wrong. Bruce rejects the usual “grey goo” scenario and imagines medical nanobots taking over the body of a man called David. They start off in his leg but soon they take over his brain! The new entity calls itself “The David”. Then a bit of The David’s nanotech jiz goes right up his girlfriend and converts her into a nanotech thingy too. Then they make loads more clones and they all get jobs (“mostly clerical IT-oriented”) and The David decides they need a bigger house. Seriously. It’s fucking brilliant.
I’ll leave the last word to Bruce. Have you got anything really useful you can tell us, Bruce? Life-changing advice that you’ve picked up over the years? Another thought-provoking vision of a dystopian future? Or, if you’re a bit busy, how about the sort of generic Esther Rantzen-style advice that you might get from a fucking vending machine?
So there may be a postal strike. OK lets use this to our advantage. Instead of sending those christmas cards because you feel guilty about not contacting friends or family, ring them. Have a chat, talk about old times, communicate, wish them a merry christmas with sincerity. Both you and they, will be all the better for it.
Bruce Grant
Yeah, man. Them’s the goods right there. Thanks Bruce. Methinks.
100 Responses to “The David”
But I like a cheaply made card of a pair of seasonal looking kittens… it makes me feel festive
Eh?
I think, It, The Bruce, should be classified under ‘the regular twats’ as I feel this isn’t the last we’ve heard of this man…
People who say “methinks” should have their faces set on fire before being locked in a room full of paedophiles and killer wasps.
Just found this little gem on the subject of Pakistan:
What if they fight and turn into self-regenerating nanotech-fed zombies who take over the planet with their advanced clerical IT skills. Bet John Abraham didn’t think of that either.
Ooh, and Something Wicked This Way Comes has a 5 star review… by a user with no real name who has only ever reviewed Cuger Brant books.
I followed the link to this from a Twitter feed, so I will not comment on The Bruce, for I am clearly a massive panda arse.
“Cuger Brant” is a fucking shit anagram. It doesn’t even sound like a name. If that’s the level of imagination and verbal dexterity he displays over ten letters I shudder to think how fucking awful his books must be.
On the other hand, he has a family and stuff. I really hope people aren’t vile to the poor fucker on the Amazon pages. It’s not necessary is it? Keep it here, just this once.
On the other other hand, reading the obvious self-reviews of his books is distinctly reminiscent of Dr Rick Dagless MD picking up a novel by Garth Marenghi and commenting on how surprisingly good it is in Garth Marenghi’s Darkplace.
Right that’s it, I’m banning myself from comments now.
Amazing. I like the review of A Very Dirty Business where CUGAR BRA-ahem I mean LUKEY LOOK “DEN” says that “This terrorist thriller would make a good film”. In case there are any film production companies reading, seemingly.
How dare you accuse Mr. Brant, whoever he is, of having shill reviewers on Amazon! Why, that’s slander! Next thing you know you’ll be accusing him of only ever having books published under vanity labels, and forking out his retirement money on publishing huge print runs of his crap to get some kind of pyrrhic fame!
Of course, when I said the above about vanity publishers, I was just guessing and saying it for shits and giggles.
But apparently I’m a fucking psychic.
The bit where you turn the pages by clicking and dragging is quite nice though.
“It suddenly became aware, a bit like the Big Bang theory really.”
Fucking. Awesome. It’s so casually written, and yet it makes NO FUCKING SENSE WHATSOEVER.
I also like how the surgeon feels the need to re-explain to David the experimental surgery he’s already explained and undergone.
‘methinks’ Cuger Brant is probably Swahili for “I’m a Cunt”.
Methinks he’s unaware of the idea/expression split, the history of story patents, and the conclusions drawn by economic studies of the impact of patenting. Marry, nuncle, he is verily a decapod’s diseased dong!
Q.E.D
Should the classics be updated?
Noddy on scratchy VHS tape – just as Enid Blyton intended.
And the moral seems to be “Cuger Brant” has the mental age of a 5 year old.
Cuger Brant is an anagram of “cunt barger”.
The back of “Something Wicked Comes This Way” says “Each tale has a subliminal message” and that we should “be afraid… be very afraid” agh.
Well, I had a look at this – ‘Cuger Brant’ is it? And I thought his books looked marvellous – intelligent and thought provoking, methought.
At a cost of £749 for the “Epic” package (which gets you three books), I should fucking hope they’ve got a rockin’ website. I bet they’ve all got rockin’ cars and rockin’ flats on Docklands too. There’s a lot of money in parting fools from their money.
Did you see Cunty Badger’s recommendation for Epic Press on the back cover? Apparently he’s in great company, with the world renowned Peter Haines (who writes of “The Clairion Resource”, “an assassin so ruthless and so beautiful that she is probably the most dangerous woman in the world.”) and Clive Birch, who writes about…
…well, I’m not sure, but I’m damn sure the fucker doesn’t know what you’re supposed to do with a semi-colon, and that he’s badly in need of a lesson on not ending sentences with a preposition.
Only small things, I know, but when you’re calling yourself a writer, you should probably know a few of the rules they follow.
Not that Epic Press give a fuck – in fact, mistakes in your manuscript are great for profits… £45 a fucking hour, no less.
“Cuger Brant” is a fucking shit anagram.
I assumed it was a Spoonerism. Except I don’t know what a “Brager” is.
This guy makes Andy Kadir-Buxton seem almost sane. I’d love the two of them to get together over a pint or two.
I particularly liked this one too, particularly point 5:
DEBATE:
How will you save on your energy bills?
SENT:
10-Oct-2009 20:34
COMMENT:
1. Switch all heating off before you retire
2..Switch kids bedroom heaters off in mornings (thus encouraging them to stay put).
3. Boil my eggs in the kettle, use water for coffee.
4. Wear outdoor clothing in doors at all times.
5. If too cold in mornings, scrape ice from inside of windows and use in kettle for aforesaid tasks (thus saving on water bills).
6. Wash and shave at work instead of home.
7. if really cold, watch a political broadcast telling you how great it is to be british.
[blockquote]he’s badly in need of a lesson on not ending sentences with a preposition.[/blockquote]
That is the sort of thing up with which I will not put
Think your clever do you blockquotes?
how’d you like them apples!
you’re dammit!
This is from a thread about the 2012 London Olympics…
He also ends posts with “Think about it, people!” and ends many sentences with the pompous tag, “is it not?” instead of “isn’t it?”
He is a complete mad man, is he not? What say you, people?
Ooh, anagrams. Almost as much fun as poetry!
Rare GB cunt
Grunt brace
Bent car rug
Brag cunter
OK, that’s enough. I’ll fetch my coat.
But first this from the great wazzock:
Yeah, me too now.
“Customers Who Bought This Item Also Bought…”
Holy shit, customers actually bought this item? Even after looking inside it?
Ar. It’s not like he won’t find this page while googling himself anyway.
There’s already one po-faced review from the highly perceptive “Enzyme” who has spotted that Cuger Brant’s writing isn’t very good.
Methinks his work is very good is it not?
verily he’s a fox’s fundament
Does anyone else read ‘methinks’ and imagine the sentence being read by Timothy Claypole from Rentaghost?
No? Just me then.
Why does the international super spy and ‘most dangerous woman’ look like a slutty librarian?
Gadzooks Banger, you are correct. Is he not, people?
ooh, lovely – the Epic Package, for £749, gets you PROFFESIONAL TYPESETTING (sic).
No further questions, Your Honour.
I don’t know, but if it helps clarify things, unlike an actual publisher, Epic Press makes people design their own covers. Search Getty for “sexy+librarian”, or more likely, have a look at some of the cheap porn novels on Amazon and see whose copyright he’s infringed.
I did my own research, and decided that the world’s deadliest and sexiest woman in Haines’ literary world would look something more like this.
From the cover of Endgame:
To be fair, I was planning to piss it all away anyway, no worries there then.
“She was numb at first, then in a coma, then in a few days better again”
Well, that’s rohypnol for you.
I wonder how he came up with *that* title? It couldn’t have been an act of plagiarism, after all.
Epic is a self-publishing house. The world has niot gone mad after all.
I’ve found the motherlode for Cunter Bruge’s oeuvre – it’s all here at Wondermark
Moi thinks it’s not all bad.
At least he put ARGUMENT after END OF.
[blockquote]Oh yes, just to show i’m not too impartial, stop immigration as well! We are full up!![/blockquote]
Medical nanobots? Not the same medical nanobots as featured in Stone by Adam Roberts.
To be fair, mil, it’s the same medical nanobots as featured in hundreds of sf novels.
When its a story it isn’t patent theft it is copyright theft.
The former, which relates to inventions, is far more important & much less well protected but of less interest to people who write newspaper articles.
Gosh, Neil, how incredibly interesting, it’s a laugh a minute when you’re around, isn’t it? I’m sorry to say that Cuger Brant is more readable than you… But then, so is Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings of Greenbridge, Essex.
Yet, methinks there must be thousands of fantastic Serbian authors who have had their books censored and their living kidneys harvested by the Nazi-BBC, are there not? Probably all Jeffery Archer stuff was stolen from murdered Serbs. And Paddy Ashdown’s lie-filled biography is clearly a clumsy re-write of Milosevic’s brilliant diaries. It’s simply shocking.
@Rotwatcher
From the Wondermark article you cite: I nominate La Spechette as the “cherubic girl with pigtails and spunk”. I assume the “spunk” there is short for “cyberpunk”.
You should also (methinks) check out the musings of Storyman (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/debate/debatesearch/debateUserSearch.html?user=2738039), who’s a totally unrelated (methinks) but equally talented writer on related subjects. Methinks.
How much for a Cant Burger?
@Ed – thanks for the compliment, but it’s still a no to the bukkake. Give it a rest, man!
Have been pissing myself with laughter at Cunt Begar’s synopsis and life story over on Amazon:
Weird, crap childhood? Check.
Religious twat? Check.
Bullshit hazy job description? Check.
(Southerner? Chec… sorry, couldn’t resist)
Ladies an’ Gennelmen, I think we have found our Triad of Twatbasketry. Much as the FBI use a 3-point system for identifying the roots of psychopathy in childhood AKA The MacDonald Triad (cruelty to animals, fire-starting, twisted fire-starting and delayed-age bedwetting), so we have our easily identifiable system for recognising Level 1 Fuckbuckets*.
Of course, we could just continue to recognise them by their poor grammar, tiresome self-obsessions, ignorance and mental witterings, methinks. If I’m right.
*Not as good as twatbasket, but it’s the best I can come up with whilst cold-stricken.
Umm.
Err.
Nope, words are failing me here. There are some books I’ve picked up that I failed to get past the first chapter. This one, I failed to get past the first paragraph. Oh dear oh dear oh dear.
It’s not called vanity publising for nothing.
Euew, that one really made me cringe.
@john Adair’s Gerbil
I just had a ‘Look Inside’ too and sorely regret it. It’s like a window envelope containing a pig’s prolapse.
Actually, I have it on good authority that Cuger Brant is his real name and Bruce Grant is the pseudonym.
He’s cleverer than you think. Certainly threw a lot of you fuckers off the scent.
All at once or does he actually move from Kent, to Cornwall, to Devon, to Dorset, to Hants, to Sussex, to Kent and back again in reverse order, on a rota system?
Or maybe he just picks them at random.
See? I told you. Resourceful fellow.
He lives in Essex, the ex-wife and kids are in Cornwall.
…don’t waste your money on amateur sci-fi.
…where despite his angelic choirboy looks, he bravely ask for better conditions from Mister Ebeneezer Badcharacter.
(a shiny 5-pound coin to anyone who can google up a modern children’s home that used to be a victorian workhouse)
I’m still trying to come to terms with that line I posted earlier.
The horror!
I’m going to have to get the first mate to read some Stephen Baxter to me and then go and have a little lie down…
@History Crow
Don’t worry, it’s just side effects. Very soon you’ll feel rebuilt, created, then in a few days better again.
according to wikipedia he is a resident of Tunbridge Wells, and some bloke called Dilly Braimoh is making a programme about Cuger and that children’s home he was in. The name of that home is Beecholme…now can I have my 5-pound coin.
Having skimmed the reviews and read a little of Cuger Brant, I have decided that yes, he is an author of merit and shall now remove Old Moores Almanack from it’s number one spot in the outside lavvy.
I do hope that Mr Brant’s work has the same absorbency.
Fuck me! According to his post on this CNN blog (10th one down)http://inthefield.blogs.cnn.com/2009/04/02/spirit-of-the-mob-lives-on-in-
london/
Endgame took him two years to write!!! What was that old adage about monkeys, type writers & the complete works of Shakespear?
In fact even better is Bruce Grant’s review of Al Gore’s An Inconvenient Truth at Waterstones online, which he considers to be a “silly book” of course he much prefers Cuger Brant’s Prediction.
You couldn’t make it up. Oh sorry you just did, didn’t you Brian?
Funny Peculiar
Don’t encourage Neil! We’ll get blahed again.
never mind encouraging Neil, I want my shiny 5 pound coin.
He’s badly in need of an editor. Luckily, I have little to no experience in this field.
I don’t like posting twice in a row. It suggests I don’t read anything and jump straight down to post a comment. I don’t, but I couldn’t help just throwing this into the ring.
This was my favourite:
It really doesn’t.
I love that Cuger Brant apparently doesn’t actually know what ‘synopsis’ means, and thinks it means ‘tell your life story making it sound as hard and difficult as possible while still trying to make yourself seem vaguely important’.
Well, they seem to have fixed that, but….they obviously don’t include spell-checking the front cover in their list of services – I mean, who ever looks at the cover of a book anyway? Oh – just me and the other sad fuckers (EAB excluded of course).
http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/reader/1906557055/ref=sib_dp_pt#reader-page
Beechholme. In the history you can see that when Berc Ratgun added the link to his own Amazon page, he failed to notice that he was cutting off the end of the sentence he himself had added 4 minutes earlier. You can also see his ip address – now we have him at our mercy.
…and Dilly Braimoh is a half Jewish, half Nigerian waif who does a cookery programme.
Honest – I’m not making it up. One couldn’t, dear reader. http://tinyurl.com/yh7xqky
whatever you lot say, I still get the 5 pound coin. I found that link first.
Cuger Brant is an anagram of “Grab ‘er Cunt”.
A yorkshire subliminal message, methinks?
My name is Neil Craig and I fuck children.
No Neil, it is not funnier and sillier than you. You are the biggest joke we all find so amusing, and that practical joke intended to make a mockery of any notion of international justice and muddy the waters so clowns like you can dive in and twat your head on that brick at the bottom was nowhere near as funny as the deluded, self-absorbed, “9%-Growth-Is-This-Blog-A-Joke?” five foot plus stack of dog shit that makes up your corpus.
Honestly. I wouldn’t lie to you, at least as I deign to give you any attention at all.
Do let me know when you find your next tenuous link to something you’re interested in so I can come and call you a cunt with me fancy book-learned words.
Neil Craig:
No.
Fuck off Neil, you willy. (That should get a larf!)
What you need is a proper job. I just saw this: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/scotland/glasgow_and_west/8306582.stm
Apparently they need someone to translate Glaswegian into English. I realise that’s probably a step up from translating it into bollocks, like you do already, but feel sure that with a little homework you could manage. And it pays one hundred and forty of Her Majesty’s finest pounds per day. I suspect that includes a 9% growth factor as well.
(If you get the gig, please give jbd a fiver out of your first pay packet, to stop the bastard whining. Consider it in lieu of my commission for pointing you at the job. Thank you.)
fuck Neil! Do I still get the 5 pound coin.
@jbd
I have something shiny and 5 pounds for you. It’s coiled up, and I suggest you let it dry out for a couple of days, though. It’s not a coin.
@JBD There’s a five pound coin winging its way to your email as we speak. Congrats.
Chris your “to make a mockery of any notion of international justice” fails to note that it has already been done.
voice of reason – 2nd wittiest poster on here after me – keep it up.
Hi Neil.
You Freaky Funny-Farm Fugitive.
Watch carefully, please…
.
.
.
This one is shit.
.
.
.
This one is Shinola.
.
.
.
Now… which is which, Neil?
There’s a brilliant reference to that old saying on the Wikipedia page:
Everyone – please stop feeding the troll.
Neil, if you keep posting long boring wank on my site I’ll just edit ALL your posts to say “My name is Neil Craig and I fuck children” (see above).
Keep it short, relevant and stop banging your drum and I’ll let your posts stand.
Now, go have a quick wank about how you finally got censored (you MUST be close to the truth!) and then try your best NOT to post anything here about it. You know what’ll happen if you do.
Love,
Nelson
x
Thank you Nelson for your idiotic post criticising my 4 line post as being to long & not humerous enough.
That is your 15 line humourless post.
Sidesplitting. Now go back to fucking your mother you disgusting turd.
That’s better.
It was your long post about Serbia (your 6,438th I believe) that I was referring to. The one I edited.
Anyway. Let’s hope you can keep this up. If you *do* find yourself tempted by the shameful urge to explain your opinions, just go do it on your own blog, then nobody else need ever know.
Hugs,
Nelson
x
I really lol’ed. Although don’t take that as encouragement, Neil. You’re still the biggest twat north of 50 degrees latitude.
I take it Chris you are saying your are from south of there.
Nelson when you say you “edited” my post it shows you don’t know what the word means. You censored it.
Since I have previously been told that not letting Branes post pornographic fantasies onn my blog seriously endangers “this great democracy we live in” the fact that you think censoring reality from here shows your opinion of your own site.
To be fair, Nearly, Nelson did actually improve your post a lot. He did edit it.
So, he thinks plagiarism should be a criminal offence? His seminal work “Something Wicked This Way Comes” is the same – er, EXACTLY the same – title as a Ray Bradbury book.
Hmm, which one came first?
I like how on Amazon, 10% of customers who viewed Cuger’s crap-o-piece went on to buy the Bradbury publication. Imagine their horror when they stumbled upon the other pile of steaming shite.
Methinks Bruce is a Cotal Tunt
To be fair Neil, I was being kind. You’re really the biggest cunt in the world. You’re number one. Take that as a compliment. I know you’ll figure out a way to do that anyway.
Yes! I am a total “@#888. I never said I was not. My IQ is below 5. Just like you nobbers, i am utter shit about everything I do. I have no problem with it. I learn to live with it, just as you will have to! You saddo’s get your rocks off and enhance your ego’s by sitting in front of your computers thinking you are some sort of esoteric, elite! Why do you saddo’s not do something that progresses your meaning in life. (that is if you have any besides crapping on in a saddo blog) There is reality out there you know! Meantime, thank you for your attention. Keep it coming. Who said any publicity is good publicity? Ooh I am angry, not. I feel sincerely flattered to have made an impact in your lives to the extent you want to comment. And, yes please, pull this to pieces!!!
Methinks, thus I is, what. Who are you? Do you see how frustrated and angry you are about life, computer blogs, and yourselves. Sad really! Flippin sad…How do you the owner of this blog make money? It is a very good site (The way it is laid out) shame about the saddo crap!
In the words of the great sage of Tunbridge Wells…Sorry to bother you…Am i bothering you?
Yes! I am a total “@#888. I never said I was not. My IQ is below 5. Just like you nobbers, i am utter shit about everything I do. I have no problem with it. I learn to live with it, just as you will have to! You saddo’s get your rocks off and enhance your ego’s by sitting in front of your computers thinking you are some sort of esoteric, elite! Why do you saddo’s not do something that progresses your meaning in life. (that is if you have any besides crapping on in a saddo blog) There is reality out there you know! Meantime, thank you for your attention. Keep it coming. Who said any publicity is good publicity? Ooh I am angry, not. I feel sincerely flattered to have made an impact in your lives to the extent you want to comment. And, yes please, pull this to pieces!!!
Methinks, thus I is, what. Who are you? Do you see how frustrated and angry you are about life, computer blogs, and yourselves. Sad really! Flippin sad…How do you the owner of this blog make money? It is a very good site (The way it is laid out) shame about the saddo crap! In the words of the great Tunbridge Wells sage, Sorry to bother you..Am i, bothering you…
YES,, I cannot even handle a computer…Hang him!!
We’re also calling you a daft cunt in the other threads. Come and join in.