More from Bruce Grant, aka veteran novelist Cuger Brant. You can tell Bruce/Cuger is a novelist because he spends the whole day sitting in cafés.
All these malingerers should not get anything! When i have a coffee in the morning at the coffee shop before WORK, there are those on benifit, sitting there having their second, third cup free (take note Starbucks). Then i see them going to the local Sally army or soup kitchen for their free lunch( take note charities) after lunch they sit in weatherspoons drinking. I slept rough for a week for charity, I do know what i am talking about. It really was an eye opener!! see part two..
Cuger Brant
Bruce Grant
Imagine having a job where, when the feckless and workshy are on their second or third coffee of the day, you still haven’t started work. Imagine getting to spend all day trudging round after the unemployed or spying on them through the window. It must be great being a tortured genius.
There is scum and there is SCUM. To my mind when I see dossers collecting dole and doing what I have just previously described they are SCUM. If a blind person, a disabled person has the honour, the integrity to find and get work, why do not these fit, able bodied layabouts? Why give them any dole money? Why are they allowed to milk the system?
Oh yes, just to show i’m not too impartial, stop immigration as well! We are full up!!
Cuger Brant
Bruce Grant
Not sure what to make of the last sentence. Is Bruce Grant presenting himself as the maverick rebel, fighting the far-left forces of political impartiality? Or is he trying to tell us that, hey, he’s not just a nosey hypocrite, there’s more to him that that. He’s also an incoherent racist. Give him credit.
35 Responses to “Just to Be Unbalanced”
Sod the SCUM, how do you get free coffee at Starbucks before WORK? I wouldn’t mind a free cuppa some mornings.
I hear that if you kill Cuger Brant then you *become* Cuger Brant.
For a novelist, he’s a bit shit at spelling – “benifit”.
I love the posters that try to justify racism by saying “we are full up”. They must really pity the citizens of that impoverished hell-hole Monaco, with all these billionaires living cheek by jowl on a state with a population density 25 times that of the UK. It’s a wonder they don’t all suffocate before they starve to death.
It makes you wonder how the likes of Paula Radcliffe, Jenson Button, David Coulthard, Max Mosley and other, err…immigrants, cope out there
Sorry, Monaco’s actually 66 times more densely populated than the UK
Obviously it’s spelt Cuger because it’s an anagram, but he did choose that in the hope that people hearing spoken would think he was called “cougar” and therefore like the kind of Rugged Outdoorsman that could TWAT BEAR GRYLLS.
Before you could twat Mr Grylls, you’d have to find which hotel he’s staying in.
Not quite. Here’s somewhere worth checking out.
There’s more to this than meets the eye.
The wives of Cuger’s slackers are listening to Woman’s Hour. And the slackers themselves are working up the courage to, ahem, Walk The Dog. Apparently, it’s a sex term.
Mozzie prozzies?
I’ve never minded scum or SCUM.
ScuM, sCUM and scuM however, really get my goat!
Without their swimming cozzies…
Cuger actually thinks that we’re worrying about whether he’s impartial to immigrants or not?
Well I’m certainly glad he put my mind at rest!
What kind of beaver’s anus gives himself a pseudonym author’s title these days anyway? It smacks of pretentiousness. But I suppose if a world-famous author like Cuger Brant has time to post on HYS, work is slow these days even for him.
Also, surely the whole point of a pseudonym is so people don’t know it’s you who wrote it. (And if I were Bruce/Cuger, I certainly wouldn’t want people knowing…) Why then publish your pseudonym (which anyway is a pretty facile anagram) alongside your real name?
Fuck it, it’s HYS. Ours not to reason why, ours just to take the piss.
@ hillhunt
Yeah, coz them mozzie prozzies’d be in not-so-teenie weenie burkinis.
I’ll get my abaya.
I want to go and sit outside his house drinking free coffee for a week. For charity. Please send all sponsorship money to the charity you think will annoy him most. There’s quite a wide choice.
Yeah, fookin’ SCUM sitting there drinking a cup of coffee. I’ve been stalking them for weeks, drinking free coffees, free soup and expensive beer and so far all I’ve got is a hangover every morning.
Take note charities, you should be charging at least £5 for soup to make sure that only the deserving poor get free soup.
This man is a chlamidya-filled cougar’s cojones.
Cuger. CUGER! Cugerrrrrrr. Lurve panther Cuger Brant. Cuger Brant, international man of mystery. Oh, he’s great. I bet once the SCUM have gone off to mug people he sits against the window of Starbucks, dreamily drawing willies in the condensation and muttering “Cugerrr…yeah”, or imagining a woman crying it out in ecstacy “oh, Cuger!”. Then he glares at the Starbucks staff and goes home for a wank and to write a book. I hope he lives near Andy Kadir Buxton.
Oh boy, the bestselling (after all, he sold his entire print run – he bought one, and his mum bought one) author has seen fit to grace HYS with some of his fabulous prose! The first part is missing, but it’s so amazing, I think it stands alone:
WHAT A TWIST.
Because he arsed about in school, he ended up a BINMAN! Pheeeew! What an extraordinary tale. And what a massive moral warning for youth today! I can see ‘the oik’ EXACTLY like he described, in his trousers and jacket, just amazing!!! How does Brant keep coming up with these plotlines!?! Are you really really sure that Cuger isn’t actually Iain (M) Banks trying out radical new styles that are too dangerous for his normal publisher?
A binman! Hah! That’s going to have my head spinning for days. Imagine… a binman, cos you were naughty at school. God… it could happen.
I blame the parents for giving him a name like The Oik.
They’re bezzies, I heard. They got together after Andy was seeking out a new publisher for his Buxton Geothermal Turbine Generator Construction Book and came across Epic Press.
Although I like to think that a genius of the calibre of Andy would be able to spot a vanity publisher a mile off. Andy has better things to do, like slapping the mentally ill around the head and asking pregnant women in the street if he can see their vaginas.
I had a job as a street cleaner once, best job in the world. Well paid (well at the time £280pw plus overtime),left alone to get on with it with no bosses around. Got to meet a fair few folk around town, out in the fresh air,fairly easy work as well. Well hard to get on it as well,had to pull some strings with a chap in the council. Now my current job, with all my education etc is shite,I have to talk to morons all day, deal with moronic managers and basically tow the line for the good money at the end of the month. Give me the bins any day -and before you ask,I was made redundant thanks to Mrs T and a money grabbing Tory council, so that is why I am not on the bins still.
There got that off my chest.. Cuger Brant..first class marsupials minge who obviously is a work shy bastard as he can spend his days hanging around spying on the workshy, twatbasket with bar.
OK so the plot’s not great, but his use of language is sublime:
I’d say more James Joyce than Iain (M) Banks.
Is that the same context as ’smoking in a smoking jacket’? Do councils issue refuse collectors with plush waistcoats condusive to philosophical musing?… The mild conundrums posed while removing the unwanted detritus of modern society… we throw everything on the cart, except dead people, they go to a special rubbish tip in a special cart. Hey… these jackets are good.
Can’t believe you didn’t put a spoiler warning on that, I only bought the book this morning…
Whatever happened to the binman? Did he have binman sex with a discarded mannequin (bottom half) and spawn a literary genius?
Or that cunt Bruce.
So is Cuger Brant on the new BNP membership list?
i read that as a heart-rending autobiographical piece, on a par with “i know why the caged bird sings”.
i’m strong enough to admit that it made *me* cry.
The first job I ever offered to somebody else paid a salary of £78,000 per annum. The successful candidate was a former-binman. Binlady to be strictly accurate, who had worked her way through college by humping bins (as opposed to the more traditional lady’s method of humping lecturers….coat’s on no worries…)
Moral of this story is that people who collect bins for a living are just as worthy and have just as much potential as any other cunt. The difference between them and Cugar, is that they actually are prepared to do shitty jobs to get ahead as opposed to pretending on the internet.
Christ, what an unrelenting shitbin this guy is. Go to Amazon and have a look inside one of his books. I’ve never read such unbridled shite in my entire life. At first I though his disjointed, broken narative was an attempt to emulate Joseph Heller. Then I realised he’s probably never even read a book.
PLOT SPOILER: A thing happens, followed by another thing, a nurse talks to a surgeon who realises stuff has happened and then the patient is an automaton.
I too have a chilling view of a distopian future in which any twatpiece with a laptop can have a book published.
I don’t care if the guy’s 53, 85, retired or unemployed. To me he will always be just a git.
And another thing, how the fuck do I pronounce ‘Cuger’? It’s not even a word. And Bruce Grant lends itself so nicely to other anagrams which I’m too polite to write. Although Cunt Barger is one.
And I think the ‘no english, no job’ stance is understnadable when your only editorial process is spellcheck
Having assayed his “prose” using Amazon’s handy “look-inside” feature, I’m convinced that Cuger is actually Garth Merengi.
Only funnier, because Cuger obviously believes his confused scribbings are literically credible. The confused Shitty Copyu’s Perineum.