That one uncle. The one you thought was hilarious when you were five. Now you try to avoid him at family gatherings, because he’ll have a hilarious practical joke to play, or he’ll have legally changed his name to “Lord Tittybottoms.” Perhaps he wears a bow tie inappropriately, or perhaps it’s a squirting flower in his lapel. He tries too hard and you know you shouldn’t hate him for it, but you do. You hate yourself a little for hating him, and that makes you hate him just a bit more.
Oh, by the way he loves the BBC blog network.
Now that youve got that off your chest Robert, how about your take on fractional reserve banking ,how you must be longing to tell us about the BANKING wonder of creating fiat currency from thin AAAir AND THEN CHARGING INTEREST ON IT
DESPITE their HAVING CONSUMED ALL THE RISK CAPITAL IN THE FORM OF BONUSES ,its back to pleaserr can i have sumawe
Maw they want some maw ,certainly how much maw
Is their no end to the governments farce saving measures?
Banking is a Sirwould forrest full of Robing hoods and Friar plucks
SpartacusmartyrAAAs
I think all the “AAA” bollocks is a reference to the risk grading that triggered the credit crunch, but then, also on the subject of pattern-matching in random data, I thought I saw a cloud shaped exactly like a Volkswagen Beetle yesterday. Don’t sprain your brain trying to decode it. Just enjoy those carefully-constructed puns…
Why are our pollytitians so in thrall to the conmen good
Pollytitians, good one. Conjures up a mental image of you on Newsnight with a feather duster and a tribe of diddymen.
Our pollytitians are still being mesmerayesed by banksterr lunatics.
These are not just puns, these are tortured, hand-twisted puns, smothered in overthinking, glazed with a light coating of impenetrability and garnished with a rotating light-up bowtie.
An early example of Quantitative easink in the sawsirerrors AAAprentice,notice the stunning resemblance of Michael Mouse to Ben Bernanke [ been banker]
I had a different Ben in mind, actually. This sort-of reminds me of Benjamin Zephaniah. With a head injury.
60 Responses to “He’s AAAlways PUNctual!”
Sorry to point out the obvious but the 3 “A”s has nothing to do with credit rating. AAAs = Arse.
They are capital “A”s because the guy is a massive arse.
Case closed.
Still, it’s got a bit more flair than the twats in the Remembrance Sunday thread…
I’ve met Benjamin Zephaniah. Lovely man, he is, and his work doesn’t deserve being mentioned in the same sentence as the pisspoor arsedribble that this suppurating salamander’s spunksack is inflicting on us.
PS ‘Robing hoods’ just made me think of a band of renegade dressing gowns floating through the Bank of England filling their pockets with coins. A thought 1000000000 x more imaginative than SartacusMartyr’s pure shite.
PPS Are they STILL on about Foot’s jacket? Really? An elderly man wearing a warm coat when stood around for hours in cold weather is a national slur that can never be forgiven? I want to go back to bed.
No, if that were true then surely a more appropriate… whatever that is… would be symbolised by three Cs.
I think Kelvin’s description is pretty accurate, although I think the unspoken agreement here is that we really really need to argue some more about what a pun is and provide each other with Wikipedia links and dictionary definitions to prove a point.
However, getting back to Kelvin’s description, I think Spartacus Twatbubble is a recent retiree who’s been forced into annuity right at the bottom end of the FTSE crash and didn’t look hard enough at the investment policy of his holder to realise all the index linking was weighted toward RBS and Lehman Brothers. Unlike the guys campaigning daily outside the ANZ headquarters here, he’s decided to be sarcastic on a blog.
Well done, Spartacus BrainfAAArt. I salute your symbolic impotence and your 21st century equivalent of slapping your bare buttocks against the window of AXA’s high street branches one by one.
– Hey, Pete, Pete, get in here! I really hate the troops, and I reckon the best thing for my dwindling popularity would be to show some subtle disrespect for them on the remembrance service on Sunday. Any idea what I could do?
– Well Gordon, you could always “forget” to bow your head as you step back. Then your subtle message will go right over the heads of the anti-war lefties who don’t really care about those things, but send a subtle message all those upstanding patriots who are obsessed with “our boys”, watch the service like hawks in the hope someone will slip up and are desperate for yet another excuse to hate you.
– Brilliant. I’ll go and practice right now. Would it help my popularity if I took a big shit on the wreath as well?
November 11th isn’t even on fucking Sunday anymore. Fucking Brown, moving the days. A BNP government would arrange the days so that November 11th falls on a Sunday every year.
He’s saying “queers”. You see what he did there? He said QE’rs to mean “those who are responsible for quantitative easing” and then slipped in a homophobic slur.
I’d be in awe of his genius, but I’m still trying to decipher what the fuck he’s trying to say.
SpartacusmartyrAAAs – what a complete raped donkeys AAAAArrrrrssssseeeee.
Small fry. Far more effective would be penning a crap, shoddy, misspelt letter to a grieving mother of a dead soldier mate. Something the sun newspaper could reproduce for all to read.
I had a look at SpartafAAArter’s profile. He should be shot for crimes against the English (not British) language. Still, nice to see him managing to get homophobia consistently past the HYS mods.
“ pleaserr can i have sumawe” , “Sirwould forrest full of Robing hoods”, “mesmerayesed”.
It /could/ be the result of overegging the punning, but it could also be really bad speech recognition software. Or fat-fingered predictive text. With the wrong language settings. Or being a balrog’s ballooning ballsack. Or all of the above.
Hang on dearies, I’m having a psychic flash…
SpartacusmartyrAAAs’ record collection: 3 Black Lace albums on vinyl because those CDs just leave something missing that only a 12″ on his scratchy Matsui deck with a needle from 1986 can convey.
SpartacusmartyrAAAs’ favourite film: The Italian Job, although not those boring car chases, the classic physical comedy of Professor Benny Hill.
SpartacusmartyrAAAs’ idea of a good night out: Slowly working his way around the golf club bar telling his new joke to every couple in turn and revelling in their fake but polite laughter.
SpartacusmartyrAAAs has three hats, and two of them are fezzes.
SpartacusmartyrAAAs sometimes lies awake at night wishing Jive Bunny would make another album.
The uncle I thought was hilarious when I was young did cool stuff like back flips in the street and robbing sweet shops (he went to prison of course).
I seriously doubt that anyone anywhere, no matter their age, has ever found this twat funny, imagine the shame of him being a relative and cry for his children.
Also, Spesh, no disrespect to the Zee-dizzle. I meant to imply it was quite a large brain injury.
I disagree, Kelvin. Even though they may be only five, Spartacusmartyr’s neices and nephews burst into howls of frightened tears and run like hell for the safety of Mummy’s skirt whenever he tries to delight them with his humorous antics. Kid’s learn fast. One encounter with Mister Chuckles is enough. He is completely mAAAd.
Spaaartaaacarsehole is a rare and unique find, for which many thanks. I really do think he’s clinically unhinged though..one imagines him writing his rant in plain English, then spending hours hammering it into weird and unusual shapes that he imagines are “puns” (if I’m right..)
Adjectival fail..bollocks
I had to Google “dydl doe”, with quotes, because I didn’t understand what it means and still don’t – even Google couldn’t tell me what it means. But the fourth result is titled “giant pump rocket”, which, ironically, is a fitting description of SpartacusmartyrAAAs.
Actually, that’s a tautological fail. But good effort.
Seriously, is that for real? Did someone write that, in earnest? I have no fucking idea what he’s supposed to be saying. This is confusing and saddening me, it really bloody is.
As if I really need this after watching that Horizon documentary on black holes, which made me feel tiny and useless. But to know that no matter how infinite and unknowable the universe, and how imbalanced the ratio of humanity to nothingness is, to know that still, in the well of humanity this fucking loon exists.
Christ, I’m glad I wore a belt to work today. Let’s hope the lavs have some piping on the ceiling.
No it’s a well-spotted adjective fail: describing something as rare means there are very few of them, describing something as unique means there’s only one. Hence the adjectives contradict themselves and Sparticarse is a Nelephant’s Necrotic Nutsack.
And now I have to die knowing my last internet-based act was a massive, stinking blockquotes FAIL.
Before I die, I shall find this cunt and do something really quite horrid to him.
In my book, “rare” doesn’t mean it has to be plural. But either way, describing something as “unique” means that there’s no point in also describing it as “rare”, making Sparta’s Marcus a first-class falcon foreskin.
FFS, something is unique or it’s not. Unique means there’s one only, no others. The pedant in me hates it when people say that something is “almost unique” or that several of something are unique when describing the individuals of a group. AAArrrgggghhh.
Common >> Rare >> Unique
Back on topic: Is this genius just trying to get round the moderators. I presume that all HYS posts go through an automated checker to flag up “key words”: Having said that, it must be a nightmare programming that thing, what with all the atrocious spellings.
Is it me or has HYS got a little dull recently? Where have the star comments gone?
Look at it this way:
It’s rare that a language pedantry war doesn’t turn a comment thread into a big stinking pile of poo.
It would be unique if a language pedantry thread was ever remotely interesting in the first place.
I think Professor Stanley Unwin’s boring, idiot younger brother must be responsible.
Let’s face it, spurtyfartarse has gone beyond a joke and is just a ranting loon of the usual HYS calibre, who thinks he is being ironic,clever,humourous etc, to get around the moderators, but is in reality the usual HYS twatbasket. Bring back Topsy Turvey, Joy Pattinson et al, at least they didn’t have to try.
Do you mean tied onto his downstairs? Because that completes my mental image of SmartAAAARSEicus.
SpartacusmartyrAAAs is convinced they’ve done something so that Ovaltine doesn’t taste like it used to in the ’70′s. He’s written letters but he doesn’t trust the replies he got.
I’ve just realised that SpartacusmartyrAAAs is the brand-new, twice-as-mental version of longtime impenetrable BBC blog commenter stilllitterarty.
He’s AKA SpartacusmartyrAAAstefari
I’ve fixed your failure. Now people who read the comments will think you’re unduly harsh on yourself. Swings and roundabouts.
it looks rather computer-generated. like mark v shaney, except tuned with illiterate, racist HYS santorum.
either that or he’s so bad at communicating he’s just become the first human to fail the turing test.
could be either, really.
@Millie, that was a level-1 pasta-spitter.
I knew I’d seen Spartacunt somewhere before: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-rj1SFtxRTg
Also, can I just say: This! Is! SpAAArtAAA!
Thanks, it’s been rolling round my mind like some sort of shit-joke Tourette’s.
You are doing a disservice to Uncles everywhere. I thought was he was going to be a harmless type with a Tony The Tiger affliction.
In fact if this ghastly, deluded, self-regarding attention-seeking twat was your brother you’d disown him, certainly not let him near your kids.
Isn’t that a Garth Marenghi song?
@ Kelvin
“Three hats, and two of them are fezzes” –
The other one’s a leprachaun cap so he can sit in front of a mirror pretending he’s James Joyce. I’m thinking he does that a lot.
Maybe he’s trying to make the hilaaaarious point that Robert Peston’s delivery style on the television and on the radio is sometimes slightly alarming. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Robert_Peston#Delivery_style Or not. I don’t know.
I am SpartacusmartyrAAAs
Can we try a crowd-sourcing experiment to translate this guy’s words of wisdom? I’ll start…
“Growth matters for gays, who like to bum each other with vibrators.”
“Gays should be killed.”
“I am so fucking high right now.”
“Gays can’t have children. Quack Quack!”
He confuses me. It’s like when I read books upside down.
Can someone teach me how to do block quotes please? I want to be in the gang.
Spartacusmartyrcus would be a better name I think. Or Iamacunticus.
Just to give everyone a heads up, Cuger [Cunt] Brant [Graber] has started his backlash on hys against the forces of reason, literacy and vicious sarcasm [ie us]. Check his latest posts, thinly disguised as they may be – methinks. “Makes me feel famous!”
Something Cuger this way Comes. And that’s a terrifying image.
Yes, block quotes lesson for me too please… Love you all! Despite being a walrus’s wizard’s sleeve.
This is for those who haven’t worked out how to use google. Blockquotes! Ta da!
http://www.w3schools.com/TAGS/tag_blockquote.asp
@Cab Grunter
Umm, gotta make a confession, I only read hys stuff thanks to links from here, not sure how to get to Cunt Graber’s latest posts. Any chance of a link?
Urgent Crab’s profile
Oh-ho-ho.
You’re not interesting Bruce. You’re a toolbox. That’s right, you’re not just a single tool, you’re an entire box of them and the box encasing the tools.
Learn the difference and you may, just may, graduate to the next level of literary skills: Peter and Jane age group 9-10.
“How is your leg?” asked Pat the dog.
“It’s fine,” said Jane. “Hurts a little.”
Although I’m not sure he gets it quite yet, although he’s probably done a search for Speak You’re Branes. Then again, I’m not entirely sure that Bruce/Crab/Gnat has the insight.
@Jesus Chris, shit, the Cuger has possibly rumbled us. Now, either he really doesn’t give a crap what is said, working on the theory that all publicity is good,as in his blurb on Twitter, or he really is just a rotting racoons rectum.
Cuger Brant is like the snivelling kid in the corner of the classroom who doesn’t care that the only attention you pay him is to spit on him and call him a weirdo, because he’s just so happy you aren’t ignoring him. In my class he was called Kelvin.
I could swear Rob Newman did that joke some years ago. And speaking of scary uncles..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WSkv_29Rncg&feature=related
…takes a few seconds to get into its stride (if stride’s the word).
@Ben C Rugrat, just how every Uncle dances at weddings.
That vid is truly disturbing.
Disturbing? I was so impressed I watched it twice!
Here’s a better quality version:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Dj-4RYjbdY&NR=1
More impressive dancing for kids: http://www.break.com/index/brazillian-booty-shaking-in-front-of-kids.html
You realise when HYSers complain like little bitches about disabled, black or otherwise minority representation on kid’s TV, this is the kind of stuff they want to see instead?
hmm maybe shouldn’t have hit
I am a fucking
legend
is what I wanna know…
Fucko has been locked in my “dungeon” for weeks – he’s fine, but a bit sore.
I do take exception to the idea that football, at its best, is a pure art form. I disagree because I was at the Wolves-Arsenal game on Saturday, and the experience was pure unadulterated shit.