Animal Fannies and Permanently Bewildered and Self-appointed Sages and Shit Sherlocks24 Nov 2009 10:15 am
By Alex

On ultra-eccentric Haredi Jews’ guidelines for kosher music.

It’s good to know that fundamentalist rock-and-roll alarmism isn’t just an American phenomenon.

Justin Anthony Knapp, Indianapolis, USA

Admit it though Justin. It’s still not as surprising as when you found out about there being other countries.

Once upon a time, there was a group of people determined to control what the people could or could not read, watch and hear. Anything that did not fit with their view of ‘decent’, ‘upstanding’ and ‘respectable’, was banned, leading to large-scale book-burnings. That group of people later went on to ban and burn more than books. “Where they burn books, they will ultimately also burn people.” – Heinrich Heine

Jamie Jones, Linz, Austria

Ooooooh I know this one. Is it the Khmer Rouge?

Incidentally I rang Heinrich Heine up and asked him to write a humorous poem about you. Unfortunately he couldn’t think of anything to rhyme with “verdepperte Geißfut”.

40 Responses to “Heil Heine!”

  1. on 24 Nov 2009 at 12:18 pm Harmonica Lewinsky

    A bit harsh on justin there!

  2. on 24 Nov 2009 at 12:32 pm millie

    Ooooooh I know this one. Is it the Khmer Rouge?

    Or possibly dystopian, 1984-esque NuLiarBore Britain.

  3. on 24 Nov 2009 at 12:39 pm Mal

    In the interests of empirical scientific research (and as a small contribution to the cultural well-being of humanity)I’ve burned several copies of the works of Dan Brown. I have as yet noted no increase in my wish to burn people – the desire to take a match to Littlejohn, Phillips, Platell et al. existed prior to the book burning.

  4. on 24 Nov 2009 at 12:50 pm Cheb Ghobbi

    I can’t see what’s wrong with what either of them have said apart from that it’s somewhat hyperbolic. Let’s be honest – the ideas in the article are more than a little mad.

  5. on 24 Nov 2009 at 12:56 pm History Crow

    Look who I found rustling around in the bushes

    Added: Tuesday, 24 November, 2009, 10:11 GMT 10:11 UK

    The recent CRU hack has shown that climate ’scientists’ on the Man-made side of the argument have been deliberately falsifying data, misrepresenting their figures, and politicising the argument.

    Strangely this enormous story has been ignored by the supposedly ‘unbiased’ BBC.

    Copenhagen will achieve nothing while the IPCC and warmists are deliberately distorting and manufacturing ‘evidence’.

    Indigenous Englishman, Shoeburyness, ENGLAND.

    Recommended by 0 people

    Fucking idiot.

  6. on 24 Nov 2009 at 1:13 pm Rogue_Leader

    Ooooooh I know this one. Is it the Khmer Rouge?

    Or possibly dystopian, 1984-esque NuLiarBore Britain.

    Daily Mail Island?

    http://www.tvgohome.com/1102-2000.html

  7. on 24 Nov 2009 at 1:41 pm Jim

    Possibly I’m missing something here, but aren’t both of those quite sensible comments? Has HYS suddenly become light on genuine frothing nut-jobs to take the piss out of and you’ve had to turn on the reasonable human beings? Seems unlikely…

  8. on 24 Nov 2009 at 2:11 pm anon

    I think it’s the subtle hint of “JEWS=NAZIS Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah” in the second one that makes it worthwhile

  9. on 24 Nov 2009 at 2:12 pm Theodore

    Possibly I’m missing something here, but aren’t both of those quite sensible comments?

    I’m afraid you are missing the point a bit. No comment, however intelligent or to the point, that is posted on HYS could ever be sensible. The sensible thing to do would be not to have ever looked at the HYS site (unless you are undertaking the honourable task of hunting for exceptionally bad posts for the amusement of others) and most definitely not actually post a comment.

  10. on 24 Nov 2009 at 2:26 pm pigfrottage

    Rogue_Leader is a genius – GENIUS!!!! Actual laughter occurred at the “welcome to the shitbox” description in his link. My life is now a bit better…

  11. on 24 Nov 2009 at 2:43 pm millie

    I think it’s the subtle hint of “JEWS=NAZIS Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah” in the second one that makes it worthwhile

    And the first involves poking fun at the Yanks, always good for a bit of light relief.

  12. on 24 Nov 2009 at 2:55 pm Oaf

    I’ve burned several copies of the works of Dan Brown.

    Well…. It’s a good start.

  13. on 24 Nov 2009 at 3:11 pm KKK

    Anyone got a translation for “verdepperte Geißfut”??

  14. on 24 Nov 2009 at 3:15 pm escaped from Maidenhead

    Rogue_Leader is a genius – GENIUS!!!! Actual laughter occurred at the “welcome to the shitbox” description in his link. My life is now a bit better

    I love that TV guide too. It’s like an early work of John O’Farrell.

    “Keep It In The Family”-
    In tonight’s episode Jocasta has some surprising news for Oedipus.

  15. on 24 Nov 2009 at 3:15 pm Rod Wrongnob

    The thing about the first comment is its utter vacuousness. It’s on the level of “It’s good to know that your fingers going wrinkly in the bath isn’t just an American phenomenon.” Also that if you use his initials his name is “jaknapp”, which sounds funny.

    I’ve burned several copies of the works of Dan Brown.

    I once heard Iain (M.) Banks talking on the radio about how some ned once gloatingly told him that they always shoplifted his books, and how he then explained to them that the bizarre workings of the book industry actually meant he ended up getting more money for shoplifted books.

    Kids, don’t steal Dan Brown’s books, not even for burning! Better to burn Indigenous Englishman of Shoeburyness instead.

  16. on 24 Nov 2009 at 3:27 pm wayne

    @KKK

    “verdepperte Geißfut” approximates to “crippled goat’s cunt”, although there’s a wide possibility of translations for “verdepperte”, depending on context. Perhaps, in the tradition of alliterative epithets, we can settle on “gammy goat’s gash”.

  17. on 24 Nov 2009 at 3:37 pm gammy Ziegenkäse Wunde

    @wayne
    Sie sind noch klüger als Google Translate und Babel Fish. Keiner von ihnen wusste, was es bedeutete.

  18. on 24 Nov 2009 at 4:21 pm AndyS

    hey, at least we’ve finally found a way to solve the palestine issue:

    As a Muslim, I support the Rabbi’s decision, finally they are thinking like conservative Muslims; after all Muslims and Jews are very much alike. Majority of modern music is immoral and degrading the faith.
    Zuber Iraqi, Louisville, KY

  19. on 24 Nov 2009 at 4:22 pm GroggleFling Nermbergerstein III

    Das tranzlatermachinen google ist neine gut fúr der tranzlating.

  20. on 24 Nov 2009 at 4:24 pm Alex

    Yeah, ‘thick goat cunt’ in Austrian German. Well done KKK. Ten points to Slytherin.

  21. on 24 Nov 2009 at 4:31 pm Alex

    Not KKK. Wayne. KKK try Leo next time.

    Groggleface Thingywotsit:
    I think you’ll find it’s DIE tranzlating.

  22. on 24 Nov 2009 at 4:36 pm Kelvin

    I once heard Iain (M.) Banks talking on the radio about how some ned once gloatingly told him that they always shoplifted his books, and how he then explained to them that the bizarre workings of the book industry actually meant he ended up getting more money for shoplifted books.

    Has anyone else just seen a lightbulb go on over Cuger Brant’s head?

  23. on 24 Nov 2009 at 4:36 pm Kelvin

    Above Cuger Brant’s head. There’s so much that goes over Cuger Brant’s head that you’d never spot a lightbulb in amongst it all.

  24. on 24 Nov 2009 at 4:47 pm Theodore

    I know what’s going over Cuger Brant’s head. Half a square mile of Milton Keynes.
    http://cugerbrant.co.uk/

  25. on 24 Nov 2009 at 4:48 pm Gordon Brown

    Once upon a time, there was a group of people determined to control what the people could or could not read, watch and hear. Anything that did not fit with their view of ‘decent’, ‘upstanding’ and ‘respectable’, was banned, leading to large-scale book-burnings. That group of people later went on to ban and burn more than books. “Where they burn books, they will ultimately also burn people.” – Heinrich Heine

    Jamie Jones, Linz, Austria

    Sorry to hear about your recent death, old chap. I’ve just written a letter of condolence to your mother – hope my handwriting’s neat enough for her.

  26. on 24 Nov 2009 at 4:58 pm Alex

    Has anyone else just seen a lightbulb go on over Cuger Brant’s head?

    Surely you mean Bruce Grant’s head? It’s a Jordan/Katie Price thing.

  27. on 24 Nov 2009 at 5:24 pm Grogglefling Nermbergerstein III

    Groggleface Thingywotsit:
    I think you’ll find it’s DIE tranzlating.

    Ja. Das ist wot I ist saying. Die tranzlating thingy ist kaputt und not very gút.

  28. on 24 Nov 2009 at 5:25 pm Grogglefling Nermbergerstein III

    Warum die umlat uber dem ‘ú’ nicht correcten or some shit?

  29. on 24 Nov 2009 at 5:39 pm Ban this filth!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fh3l678Ow4A&feature=player_embedded

  30. on 24 Nov 2009 at 7:04 pm Clovis Sangrail

    Cuger Brant! Whoo! Whoooo! “This escalation will not be a slow, befuddled ‘computer modelling’ predictable event. It will be what I term the ‘chessboard escalation effect’ an exponetial progession. In other words, you put one grain of rice on the first square, two on the second, four on the third and so on. This will be the consequence and result of the ‘gun firing’ after the stepping off the cliff where there is no going back. It will not present itself with a bang but rather a silent, slow whimper”
    So IT (the global warming) will occur both quickly AND slowly AND give us lots of rice. Really couldn’t follow the whole gun/cliff thing though. Ah, Cuges…smiley face. Back to his webiste for more delights…

  31. on 24 Nov 2009 at 9:02 pm Cab Grunter

    Cugly also gets in a sly dig at “computer modelling” to cement his position as the leading international authority on climate change.

  32. on 24 Nov 2009 at 10:16 pm Danivon

    It will be what I term the ‘chessboard escalation effect’ an exponetial progession. In other words, you put one grain of rice on the first square, two on the second, four on the third and so on.

    Here, Cuger, that’s such a good example of illustrating exponential. Have you thought of using it in one of your amazing novels, because it’s just the kind of original idea that sells loads of books?

  33. on 24 Nov 2009 at 10:22 pm Hootie McBoob

    I have advised my kids schools to stock the full range of Cuger Brants books, I feel that the kids need to be made aware that Milton Keynes is real and not a made up land!

  34. on 24 Nov 2009 at 11:01 pm Kelvin

    This will be the consequence and result of the ‘gun firing’ after the stepping off the cliff where there is no going back.

    Because at the end of the day it’s a game of two halves and whoever doesn’t score the most goals is sick as a parrot but that’s just how you play the game.

  35. on 24 Nov 2009 at 11:22 pm john Adair's Gerbil

    @Theodore – Thanks. Thanks a lot.

    We’re gonna get killed by chessboards. With rice.

    Could be cheeseboards. I like them.

    If I’m sober.

  36. on 24 Nov 2009 at 11:37 pm Clovis Sangrail

    I am so pissed drunk that Cuger is beginning to make a lot of sense. Thanks cheap two for one wine offer – I am now ’slow and befuddled’. And still can’t do block quotes.

  37. on 25 Nov 2009 at 12:06 am melanie philips wanks over pictures of dead muslims

    WTF?

  38. on 25 Nov 2009 at 12:06 am Jesus Christ

    Double-click to edit text, or drag to move.

    Fucking. Genius. Cuger. Applause.

    I mean, talk about economy of language and simplicity. Years, literally years at university, spent hunched over books like Simulations, Mythologies, Myth and Meaning, searching for answers to the problems of life in one single text or hurriedly scribbling down notes to be revised later on and amalgamated into my own… almanac of meaning…

    …and Cuger comes along and wins without even trying. Double-click to edit text, or drag to move.

    Double-click to edit text…

    …or drag to move.

  39. on 25 Nov 2009 at 1:29 am Schroduck

    I admit it… I spent a good few minutes double clicking on his site in the vain hope it might be one of those sites based on a Wiki, and Cuger had forgotten to turn off editing privileges. No luck.

    But hey, thank God I didn’t, or I might have accidentally edited this EXCLUSIVE story:

    Tears rolled down their cheeks as they watched him pass, this lonely wanderer of the north in a white coat, this lonely, magnificent creature, and he was lonely… He would always be lonely…

    He was the last one!

    Seal Cub Soup for the Soul?

    A story for you and if you think it is sentimental mush, you had better think again!

    Hmm… Err… Hummm… No, I’ve thought again. Still sentimental mush.

  40. on 25 Nov 2009 at 1:41 am Jesus Christ

    It’s not even mush. It’s a fucking insult to mush, which at least has some kind of form and some kind of function, even if said mush is post function. To call Gnat Curber’s work mush is nothing more than elevating it to a status well above and beyond anything it could possibly hope to be – it has neither post-functional mush’s post-functional status, or pre-functional mush’s pre-functional status.

    It’s not even a steaming pile of turds, because that’s post- and pre-functional.

    I think we need a new word to describe this literally functionless amorphic blob of Cuger’s. I think, yes, what Cuger produces should be called what it is: a steaming great pile of cuger.