You’re the captain of a Royal Navy tanker. You see a British couple being kidnapped by Somali pirates. You crew isn’t trained for such a situation, and wouldn’t be able to attack anyway without putting the couple in danger. What do you do? According to the comments on this MSN thread, you KILL THEM! KILL THEM ALL!
And, with the same cavalier disregard for relevance as you’d have for the safety of the innocent, you might also sieze the opportunity to do yet another stream-of-consciousness belch about Everything That Is Wrong With This Country, right in the internet’s face. Thanks to Pete.
Like the rest of this country under Gordon Brown the Royal Navy is hide bound by stupid health and safety regulations. Bring back Vian and the cry ‘The Navy’s here’ when they boarded the Altmark in Norwegian waters to rescue the British prisoners held aboard her.
Phil Adwick
Fucking Gordon Brown, can’t stop messing around with the Royal Navy, constantly wandering into their headquarters at three in the morning, naked but for a pair of socks and a floral hat, waving around pieces of paper with yet more stupid health and safety regulations on them, stupid health and safety regulations such as:
- Don’t fire on civilians!
- Try not to endanger the lives of civilians!
- Don’t kill civilians! Especially when trying to rescue them!
Something must be done to halt these blatant acts of piracy. As an ex military man my response would be to destroy every craft on the Somali shoreline and every craft on the South Yemen shoreline if they support these criminals. If that proves insufficient then level Somalia to glass, leave nothing. They think life is cheap….then let us make theirs so.
Lurcher
That dishonourable discharge still rankles, doesn’t it?
Unfortunately the lawyers run the asylum, where people in authority know it is better to play safe than act. Nobody will sack the captain (teacher, policeman, doctor, electrician) for doing nothing. It’s doing something which leaves you vulnerable to the blood sucking lawyers and the judges. Judges who claim their judgements seem ridiculous but ‘their hands are tied’. Kids sue teachers, yobs sue anyone who intervenes, burglars sue the home owner. Captains of Navy ships would rather see an old couple be dragged off by ruthless pirates than risk making a mistake. And I’d have done the same. Britain is in a hell of a mess, getting worse each generation.
wshrtbe
I think washitterbee must keep this comment on a text file somewhere, and just copies it into any thread he/she/it blunders into, with some token reference to the actual topic clumsily stapled to its balls.
But there’s an interesting twist. Check out the admisson that: “I’d have done the same”. I think this basically translates as: “this country is a massive shitbasket of cowardice and opportunism, and I’m as much to blame as anybody. When is someone else going to come and make it better again?”
Well, we were waiting for you to sort it, wooshtibrubber. But you let us down and now we want blood. You might’ve heard a knock at the door just now – that’s the Royal Navy come to blow your face off with a massive battleship on wheels. Apparently you’re exempt under the stupid health and safety regulations.
48 Responses to “Dread Pirate Knoberts”
Lurcher fails to mention which part of the military he served in; perhaps it was the Waffen SS.
Girl Guides surely ????
Cleaned toilets at local army base?
So are there subtle acts of piracy, then? Do some pirates cruise alongside commercial vessels, waving in a friendly manner and then saunter on board, whistling, generally being amiable, making new friends, etc. Then wander to the helm and quietly point the ship for Mogadishu hoping no-one will notice?
Ignorance and callousness combined. What a lovely combination. I mean, I might be reading too much into it, but I get the sense tha he somehow feels this is some centrally-organised, chosen activity for Somalia – not the outcome of a failed state which has largely impoverished the population of the country and driven and brutalised some of its population to the extent where piracy seems a reasonable option. Hence his solution: more, disproportionate brutality.
Yeah, judges who follow and apply the law in its written form are beneath contempt, they just bollock up what would otherwise be a really good justice system.
Hung around the public toilets near the local sea cadets is my guess, the saggy slug snatch.
Somali “pirates” first became media bad boys, prompting cries of “something must be done” in November 2007. Coincidently, just a month and half before the retroactive UN mandate for a US-led occupation of Somalia by Ethopian forces was about to expire.
Cast your minds back to the lynching of Saddam. Ethopian troops invaded Somalia with US assistance. UN approval was not gained until a couple of months later (when a pliable security council was in palce), and this mandate was set to expire at the end of 2007. Hence the sudden appearance in the media of “pirates”. The anti-piracy mandate for the UNSC was approved in December 2007, and effectively extended the previous mandate. It is due to expire at the end of this year.
Hence, pirates! OMFG! Nuke them!
The worst outcome of course would be a stable govt in Somalia, such as the ICU, that isn’t pro-western capitalist.
“burglars sue the home owner.”
Hasn’t this twaddle been debunked scores of times, and only applicable to cases where more than reasonable force has been used?
Unrelated: why are commenters on the Guardian almost totally illiterate and racist now? It says something when you can see Mail commenters as normal by comparison.
Because after three months posting on them and taking them seriously, you yourself become a complete and utter illiterate racist. You could be a Nelson Mandela/Stuart Hall hybrid monster from the future, and after three months on there you’d be saying “nig-nogs” in all seriousness, calling Dale Winton a faggot and trying to blame everything on asylum seekers and immigration, all the while showing an incredibly inconsistent ability to spell or structure a sentence properly.
It has, but it’s almost like these commenters are somehow… ill-informed. As far as I can tell “Baa baa black sheep” has never been banned, it’s still legal to smack your kids and Christmas is still called Christmas, but that doesn’t stop those being ubiquitous thicko memes either.
I have a feeling that there’s either some concerted right-wing effort to do it, or they’ve migrated there organically because they love arguing with people who are “wrong,” notwithstanding that they don’t understand that it’s easy to be “right” if you aren’t constrained by facts, logic or reality.
‘Comment is Free’ is a real haven for the nutters. The US posters are the funniest, generally ending every other comment with “We had to step and save your asses in WW2…”.
Plus, the professional posters like MoveAnyMountain, who only seems to post in the small hours of the day, with his laughably bigoted, pseudo intellectual rants.
It’s true, CIF has taught me many things, such as the non-involvement of the Soviet Union during WW2, all Muslims in the UK wanting Sharia Law, and that life is hardest in the West when you’re white.
I think the sheer persistence if the weirdest part. Some of them spend over 50 hours a week leaving comments, judging by the profiles.
History Crow, if I could quote you, I would. Why did I look at the profile?! What a pendulous pachyderm’s perineum.
*is. Oh, fucksticks.
The funniest thing is you know the guys like ‘Lurcher’ who reach for the nuclear option are actually creaming their knickers at the thought of real live PIRATES – it’s like they’re 10 again with a wooden sword and n eye-patch. I imagine them sitting at their computers in their grey flannel trousers with their little model-ships-in-bottles all around them, and a great swell of pitying contempt arises…
What an apostrophe’s colon.
does anybody else suspect Phil secretly imagines his doors being smashed in by a couple of salty tars roaring ‘The Navy’s here’ before boarding him roughly?
Now that’s a Cuger Brant script I’d love to see picked up by Hollywood.
Does a cultural theorist have logic? Does it have emotion? Emotion and logic, have it? How about ration? Does a former South African PM have any of them? Ration, logic or emotion? Are they people, or just killer drones?
Nelson,
I hope you are all right. This posting assumes you are dead, and angry at the same time.
Fuel tanker ships are not much good at fighting pirates, and carry only light arms as some people have patiently pointed out on the thread. However, it doesn’t stop people midlessly complaining it is all the EU’s or Gordon Brown’s fault, asking for Thatcher back as she had balls (not an anatomist obviously) and blaming health and safety. Good all round find.
I blame woman. Ever since they let them in the RN they have turned it into a cabal of massive gay shites. Gordon Brown is a quiche eating homosexual as well. Paedo!
Where do you even begin when faced with someone who thinks that killing the population of an entire country is the best way to stop a handful of people being kidnapped? Surely that’s the epitome of being wrong, insane, and a danger to humanity?
Ah good old ‘moveanymountain’ (a self admitted neo nazi by the way), posts thousands upon thousands of words a day, all of them vicious bullshit.
He’s actually a good barometer for whether I have a sensible opinion for a particular topic; if I do, it will be the polar opposite of his.
On topic, ah yes Lurcher, lets give the Somalis a nuclear holocaust instead of ooh, I dunno, stop stealing all their fish; which is the reason they’ve had to resort to piracy in the first place you stupid fucking cum-soaked-chinchillas-clunge.
I know what you mean. I’m in a bit of a quandary at the moment on the “bank charges” decision. My problem is that HYS seems to be completely split right down the middle on whether the court’s decision was the right one, so whatever I decide, I’ll be agreeing with a huge number of HYSers.
Better to remain undecided, I think…
I’ve always suspected that it’s as difficult to be completely and utterly wrong about everything as it is to get it all right. Otherwise, you could do away with sensible decision-making processes altogether – just consult that penguin’s prong and reverse the results.
HYS has asked their resident sages to debate the photo of Michelle Obama as a monkey. Of course, the defenders of the down-trodden white race are flocking to the barricades…
What possible motive, other than racism, could there possibly be for caricaturing Charles Darwin as a monkey? A good point well made, Graham.
But even then you’ll be agreeing with Catherine Oliver. If I’m right
Ah, Jesus and Drain may well be cleverer than what I am. I was imagining a hybrid of Nelson Mandela and the bloke that was on It’s A Knockout.
I shall now go and sit on the revolving stool in the corner wearing a huge foam dunces hat while assorted foreign types try to knock me off by throwing wet sponges.
I like Lurchers thinking here. Levelling Somalia to glass would solve the pirate problem, decimate Al Quaeda and bring the world population down to assuage HYS fears over immigration etc. On top of that the glass could act as a big mirror to reflect the suns rays back into space and halt global warming.
It would be just like that bit in Die Hard 2 where Bruce Willis manages to escape the baddies, blow up their plane AND create a landing light for all the stranded flights to home in on. Yippie Ki Yay Somalia
Clute, why are commenters on the Guardian almost totally illiterate and racist now?
It’s a lot easier to talk long and loud about things that you dislike. When asked ‘how was your journey?’ the answer is either five minutes detailing the delays and hitches, or else ‘fine’.
So, pick the newspaper or columnist you dislike most and on the comments you’ll probably be welcomed into the warm bosom of agreeable thought.
Mr Cat> global *LIE*ming, i think you mean. it’s all a conspiracy by Big Aircon. think about it!
I went to CiF and it was full of right-wing morons complaining bitterly in argument with the article.
So I took your advice and went to the Daily Mail website but it was full of right-wing morons complaining bitterly in agreement with the article.
^^^
Kelvin 6:22,
that reminds me of the old quote that goes something like,
“Not all conservatives are stupid, but all stupid people are all conservatives”
I presume thats a euphamism
I suppose my version is, not all morons post on the internet, but all people who post on the internet are… wait, fuck.
Fucking pirates, floating around of Somalia copying all my DVD’s
From a Times Online article about what the Queen would do in a constitutional crisis caused by a hung parliament:
And then after she’s kicked some arse there you can send her to Somalia and she can sort out the pirates. Bring Charlie too, he’s a dab hand with an organic biscuit and since they’re all Muzzies he could scare them off with his pork sausages.
Well done Fucko, you said what we were all thinking. Thing is though, you didn’t say what we all thought next, which was “Nah, that’s a bit obvious, I might not bother commenting that”.
The Queen’d level the Houses of Parliament to glass, problem solved.
@Magician Assisted Suicide
I cant help imagining Dave Chorley typing that comment and at the same time having an asphyxiated wank while dressed as Black Rod.
With all this talk of Pirates, where is Pirate Pete? Is the Cormorants Clunge,as we type, floating off the coast of Aden waiting to harass innocent yachting folk?
This Somalian piracy problem only really took off after the release of the “Pirates of the Carribean” series of films.
You can’t blame the Somalian young men for being seduced into a life of piracy. Johnny Depp’s portrayal of Captain Jack Sparrow couldn’t be more attractive to a young African man.
Similarly, I don’t believe for one minute that the experienced captains of all these vessels that have been captured couldn’t have escaped the pirates. Let’s face it they wanted to be caught by pirates.
Sorry – that was my quasi-HYS comment attempt. Misinformed, stupid and 100% wrong.
@ Theodore, not wrong at all. If I was living in a country where all normal law had broken down, I think the life of a jolly jack tar on the high seas would appeal, especially if I could be a goulish skeleton that can walk under water,catch me now RN.
I’ll bet they dressed provocatively too.
Look at you lot with all this harshness about pirates… I’m deeply offended.
Some of my best friends are Somali buccaneers – Omar the Onanist comes aboard regularly.
Repeat after me “They’ll never take us alive! Arrrr! Shiver me timbers, cap’n!”
And just to note for future reference, if you really want to get noticed by my crew, your best option is to stand on the foredeck, wearing buckled shoes and britches, shouting “Hello sailor” through a megaphone. The Cormorant’s Clunge will be alongside before you know it
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