spEak You're bRanes

Of course, science has proved where ghosts come from. Sometimes a soul will leave this life and not be able to find its way to the utopia that awaits beyond the veil. Instead they get trapped in a place they don’t belong, repeating the same behaviours over and over, slipping with time into irrelevance and anachronism.

The same thing sometimes happens with turgid tax-obsessed wankers who can’t find their way to HYS, so they bollocks up other perfectly good websites instead.

It could be a site about courgette farming. Ray_A could have been discussing the importance of the bowline to short-term canal boat mooring procedures. None of that matters to JohnnyBimmer (a man who defines himself by owning a BMW – bet he’s a riot at parties!). He literally cannot talk about anything but how much he hates the concept of tax.

Ray_A – yes fantastic. Now evidence a single success of a penny of the £££millions spent by Regional Development Agencies. These quangos are just another way to siphon public money into corrupt vehicles. There gas been no “reduction” in taxation, you’re fooled by slight of hand. The Labour socialists tax take from the economy has risen to over 50% of GDP. That’s generous, i estimate it nearer 60%. Labour has spent this country into oblivion, the tax take to bail out this bankrupt institution is going to get far worse in coming years because Labour have spent so much (everything) they’ve deferred the debts/payments. You in Govt employ?
JohnnyBimmer

BMW called. They asked you to stop using their name because even the cunts’ cunts who drive BMWs think you’re a cunt’s cunt.

I found the “Should respectable middle-class parents be allowed to cheat the system so their gifted children don’t have to mix with oiks and foreigners?” debate and thought it would be a good hunting ground, but then I lost it. Thanks to Alex for helping me find it again. I didn’t realise it would be this fertile. Typical offering:

This country is run by lunatics!

I dont blame ANY parent who attempts to cheat the system if it’s in the best intrest for their child!

When we dont have major problems with crime, illegal wars, illegal immigrants, anti social behaviour, a broken justice system, lack of prisons, bent politicians and banks widdling our money away THEN and only then will I worry it! Somone who wants the best for their child shouldnt have to face this “idiocracy”.

Adam Stasiak, Darlington

Yeah BBC, before you go laying into parents for illegally trying to set their kids up for a better life, why not sort out lawbreakers, all those MPs and bankers fiddling the system, and all those foreigners using public services they’re not entitled to. Also Adam, I’m not sure if you know what the word ‘idiocracy’ means, but I wouldn’t write it off if I were you, as ultimately it really could work in your favour.

Why wouldn’t a loving parent with the best interests of their child at heart, be prepared to scam their way into a decent school, when the corrupt government which presides over us thinks nothing of stealing millions of pounds of taxpayers cash a year without a care of retribution?

If it’s good for the pigs in Westminster, it’s good for the rest of us to be as corrupt.

Withnail Xtreme, Camden Town

Can you just give it a rest for five minutes? There is other news you know.

As working hard citizens exploided by this corrupt, champagne socialist goverment our only weapon to defend us is cheating as much as we can with the school system, with taxes, with smoking in some venues, the comunist TV license, etc. I´m cheating and I will forever until this circus full of clowns AKA NuLabour dissapears forever.

jono onos, London

Note how Alex’s find, in his rage at Britain’s government and institutions, is not just totally, utterly and furiously indifferent to the existence of a single other human being on the planet, but, with all that unrelated crap about the fag ban and the telly-tax, we also have a rare case of someone whose incoherent torrent of bile actually required a bit of padding out.

Uh Oh- I feel another nulabour draconian legislation coming on. Council officials are about to be given the power to strip search a parent and send them to jail for fifteen years after bugging their house and following them with a video camera to prove that they have committed the heinous crime of trying to give their child a better education.

[ash101437]

You’ve got a colourful imagination Ash, I’ll grant you, but you’re up against some heavyweights in the dystopian novel genre, and there’s also a lot of bantam-weight competition just on BBC Have Your Say. Do you really think you can pull this one off?

Thanks to Sarah for wading through this humming toilet of impotent rage to find this…

I have never hit a woman in my life: but if I was attacked by one by the time I was finished with her she would be begging me to kill her. The misery I would put on someone who attacked me or anyone in my family would be so profound, so horrible, that they would prefer death over the pain and agony that I would inflict upon their body. If you think that I am too cruel, look to what you have become over there, across the pond. Youths who have nothing better to do than run around attacking people. Every day I read yet another article here at the Daily Mail, and, yes, we have the same problems here. But we know how to end the problem: lock them up for the rest of their natural life. Then they won’t have anyone to attack except each other. Forget about them. Don’t bring on the “Human Rights” bit, I respect the human rights of the victim, not those of the attacker.
Richard Matthews, Arkansas USA

Guess which of these statements is correct:

1. Richard Matthews, Arkansas USA is a man who doesn’t fuck about.
2. Richard Matthews, Arkansas USA is caught in the dark, wintry hinterland between civilised society and the point at which humanity shatters – whereupon a man becomes an implacable, jerking beast of vengeance in a world of screams – and one day something’s going to push him over the edge and then we’ll be sorry, like with Michael Douglas in that film or something.
3. Richard Matthews, Arkansas USA is a mild-mannered IT professional who wasn’t breastfed.

Blah blah prisons yadda yadda something about crime thingummy VICTIMS!? I’m sure you can guess what’s coming.

In one of the Arab nations a child rapist and murderer of more than one child is to be beheaded and crucified. You can scream barbaric all you want but can anyone say he will be free to do this again or tax payers money spent keeping him and pandering to his human rights etc . If we could live the last moments of Sarah Payne’s life and then feel what her parents have felt and what they have been through our views would be somewhat different or have I missed something ?

Grant, Luton

Sharia for Britain. Duly noted.

Nice comfy cells, full sky tv subscriptions, the latest computer games, better meals than our children. This is what criminals get! Isnt prison supposed to punish the criminal not keep them entertained until they get released?!

Have them cleaning up our dirty streets, clearing motorway abnkings like they do in the US! Or even better a cell with just a bed and a bucket and bearly enough space to stand. That’ll sort out overcrowding.

Prison shouldnt be a time-out penalty box!

[bigo93], Bradford, United Kingdom

And sentences should be longer than just two mere halves of a paltry forty-five minutes each! That’s what you’re getting at, right?

I saw a report that said prisons were issuing hotel style satisfaction questionnaires in order that their standards didn;t slip! Erh, what about the needs of the poor sole they robbed, beat up, maimed or killed? Did anyone give them a questionnaire to complete in order to find out if their needs had been met?
More criminals should be imprisoned, especially habitual criminals.
Unless there are at least 6 to a cell, then there is no overcrowding.

lizben, Luton

I can well understand your anger lizben. Maybe you could find some small comfort by reading a report that says every night, a dirty great unicorn flies in through the window and bum-rapes the quivering prisoners with it’s magic giant cactus-cock.

We’ve tried being nice to criminals. It clearly doesn’t work.
It’s time the hard liners were given a try. Let them have fifty years to see if the tough approach works.
Public flogging for minor crimes like vandalism.
Hard labour for major crimes like burglary.
Hanging for murder.
Prison time should be hard time. When a criminal breaks down and wets himself as his sentence is read out, THEN the system is working again.

See Dubya, Liverpool

I can’t tell you how refreshing it was to read this post. Screw the victims, it’s all about my erection.

Thanks to Gareth for pointing us to this Times piece about dangerous dogs…

i have to agree it is not the dog its the owner that causes the problem i own 6 chow chows and have had no problems. thay have put prople out of the house that TRYED to come in unannouced.but this is what happens when you take the ablity of a person to defend there homes and persons.if you are going to take the rights of people to have guns and knifes then thay will turn to something to defend there homes and familys this is HUMAN NATURE and this is what people around the world will have to deal with.we cant put police on every coner to keep us as safe as we would like to be.we must take serton ricks to live in citys and towns.and there will alway be those who want to take what we have.and we must take the responiblity to defend that whitch we hold dear. the police and goverment cant alway be there to do the job for us.and if we dont take the responsabity then we have to accept that ower property will be stolen.and i do have an issue that the writer of the articl didnt state what sorces he used to support his numbers and asretions
william taylor

Since posting this comment, rigorous academic william taylor has hit upon the perfect anti-theft solution: he stripped naked, smeared himself with Vaseline and set fire to everything he owned. Then he wept and died.

mike lewis takes a tougher view…

If we culled the owners, the Dogs would’nt be a problem.
mike lewis

That evergreen classic, summary executions. And it’s a good point. See, you might not know this, but when dog-owners die, their pets just vanish into the ether. The universe simply cannot support dogs without owners. It’s like one of them paradoxes or some shit, so they get erased from reality altogether. It’s an immutable law of scientism. No more dangerous dog-owners, no more dangerous dogs.

Dogs don’t bite people.
Its people with dogs that bite people ????
Peter White

As Gareth says: “I think you’ve got the wrong end of the stick there, Peter”.

That one uncle. The one you thought was hilarious when you were five. Now you try to avoid him at family gatherings, because he’ll have a hilarious practical joke to play, or he’ll have legally changed his name to “Lord Tittybottoms.” Perhaps he wears a bow tie inappropriately, or perhaps it’s a squirting flower in his lapel. He tries too hard and you know you shouldn’t hate him for it, but you do. You hate yourself a little for hating him, and that makes you hate him just a bit more.

Oh, by the way he loves the BBC blog network.

Now that youve got that off your chest Robert, how about your take on fractional reserve banking ,how you must be longing to tell us about the BANKING wonder of creating fiat currency from thin AAAir AND THEN CHARGING INTEREST ON IT

DESPITE their HAVING CONSUMED ALL THE RISK CAPITAL IN THE FORM OF BONUSES ,its back to pleaserr can i have sumawe

Maw they want some maw ,certainly how much maw

Is their no end to the governments farce saving measures?

Banking is a Sirwould forrest full of Robing hoods and Friar plucks
SpartacusmartyrAAAs

I think all the “AAA” bollocks is a reference to the risk grading that triggered the credit crunch, but then, also on the subject of pattern-matching in random data, I thought I saw a cloud shaped exactly like a Volkswagen Beetle yesterday. Don’t sprain your brain trying to decode it. Just enjoy those carefully-constructed puns…

Why are our pollytitians so in thrall to the conmen good

Pollytitians, good one. Conjures up a mental image of you on Newsnight with a feather duster and a tribe of diddymen.

Our pollytitians are still being mesmerayesed by banksterr lunatics.

These are not just puns, these are tortured, hand-twisted puns, smothered in overthinking, glazed with a light coating of impenetrability and garnished with a rotating light-up bowtie.

An early example of Quantitative easink in the sawsirerrors AAAprentice,notice the stunning resemblance of Michael Mouse to Ben Bernanke [ been banker]

I had a different Ben in mind, actually. This sort-of reminds me of Benjamin Zephaniah. With a head injury.

I’m not a reasonable man. Even so, if a friend told me that he’d had the zany idea of spending the winter months on Eastern Mediterranean Time, I’d probably just think: whatever floats your boat, mate. You fucking loon.

But when the Telegraph’s Charlie Brooks announced that he was doing just that, he was met with pages of vitriol.

Well, vitriol and this… whatever it is (thanks to Katherine)…

What a dysfunctional, miserable, rotten, hate filled, paranoid, fearful country this has become.

There is nothing, I repeat NOTHING, that British administration and attitudes cannot make even worse than it already is/was.

Examples are so numerous that they are beginning to rival the spread of some virulent viral pandemic.

The current disastrous state of this benighted land politically, economically, socially and culturally cannot be overstated.

We are ruled by persons who apparently hate us and have betrayed our very national soul, we are inhabited by persons who hate each other, we cannot agree on anything.

Not that the majority are allowed a deciding voice mind (even though they are forced to fund this malevolent extravagance), that is the perogative of our political/administrative masters.

Who in turn appear to be in thrall to either the EU, sinister banking elites, Common Purpose, Frankfurt School adherents, multi-cultural fanatacists, perhaps all of these or indeed anything and everything that is inimical to Britain’s interests and needs.

I have long, long since given up on believing that this is ever going to be addressed by anybody in charge (sic).

Personally I blame the socialists for most of it during my lifetime but to be even handed it cannot be denied that Britain is also suffering from hubris.

The end result of a several hundreds years of treating the general populace as cannon fodder, drones and willing victims allied to cap doffing deference and no choice otherwise.

Unless you were one of the minority who were already privileged, could rise above it via education and hard work or were very lucky.

Those who could not put their trust in those (the socialists) who promised what they could never, ever deliver.

The proverbial silk purse from a sow’s ear as has been irrefutably proven over and over again.

All this against a background of fiscal decline, rising crime, unemployment, non-education and increasing taxation to further impoverish and trap us into submission, with booze, drugs and sex replacing bread and circuses.

Welcome to Dystopia Central formerly known as Great Britain.
Paul (1)

Paul (1) later writes:

I use this bullet style presentation to make my points clear, unambiguous and easy to read.

Stick to Greenwich Mean Time, kids.

The beeb has rolled out its new Democracy Live service. Correctly realising that the problem with politics is there’s too much bullshit to listen to, it lets you search inside videos for things that were said in parliament. It’s brilliant, both technically and because never again will politicians be able to whinge that no-one listens to what gets said in the House. So wouldn’t it be ironic if someone completely ignored the topic of the post to whinge about how no-one ever listens to him?

I would like to know why moderators at the BBC often reject my comments, even though there is nothing Racial, sexual or otherwise offensive, save that that some left wing moderator doesnt like what I am saying.

So here goes. Why is it no-one will talk about unchecked immigration or the chance of the people of this country being given a vote to leave the EU, as we were decietfully lied to by both labour and Conservatives back in the 70′s.? "Oh, its just a trade thing!". Yeah, ok, look where it has got us now.

£15Bn a year worse off, not inc oncosts to business's, and meddlesome Eurocrats. Now they are wanting a president. Euro-realists predicted this over 10 years ago and no-one listened. Are they listening now?
Emzdad

Yes, why will no-one talk about these things? Why isn’t there a huge festering dunny full of comments about this, complete with an ecosystem of great big arses delivering shit, flies buzzing around surveying the shit and dung beetles proud of all the shit they’ve rolled up and sat on? Why, if Emzdad ever found such a place he’d find it so exciting he’d probably do a little poo.

Also I’m putting him in the Racists category because anyone who has to insist their comments aren’t racist probably definitely is.

ICANN are going to start allowing some seriously weird-ass domain names with, like, squiggles n shit. I don’t know what the they’re playing at. I might have to start an indigenous BRITISH internet, with hearty domain names and family-friendly blog posts about Bagpuss, sausages, oak trees and white supremacy.

Let’s have some nice, clear, PROPER English.

The internet delveloed by the US in English has been used by the world . The world has not compensated the US. Educated people understand English,the lessor must not disrupt the sucess for all these years that was/is a gift of the USA to the world.
Harold Regner, Carrollton

I feel a bit sorry for Harold. He came so very close. He got himself a connection and obviously managed to fire up a web browser. Then he failed to find any porn and had to settle for an all-American, magnanimous flag-wank while imagining himself giving away baskets of internets to grateful Chinese peasants.

On whatever Gate it is where Professor David Nutt got sacked.

From my observations on web messageboard conversations, scientists have been heavily censored from political participation in UK & the US.

This isn’t democracy as I understand it.

Edwina TS, High Wycombe, United Kingdom

Let’s just hope you finish your cutting-edge research before they shoot you in the back of the head.