Workers, Shirkers and Extraordinary Bell-ends
By NelsonWhen I read something like this it reminds me that these aren’t just simpletons. These are cretinous, self-absorbed ball-bags, proud of their dogmatic commitment to “not having the first fucking clue about anything, ever”. That shit takes skill. To be consistently wrong every time you express an opinion is not something a complete ignoramus could manage. Stabbing randomly at stuff would more or less guarantee that you occasionally get something right. These cunts perform way above chance. Let’s not give them too much credit though, it’s pretty straightforward once you realise the simple trick behind it: You simply start out believing things that are actually self-contradictory. Doesn’t much matter which direction you head from there does it?
Even if you get angry about Labour’s creeping privatisation of health and education, you trip over your tits and end up concluding that this is because of their commitment to Marxist ideology and a desire to destroy Britain FOREVER. After another ten minutes of fruitless, sweaty staggering through the space of “all impossible opinions” you’ve fallen in the metaphorical canal and accidentally swallowed a pint of poisonous water and a racist condom. By the time you crawl out you’re covered in a thick layer of slimy misogyny and are convinced that the government is colluding with the BBC to “dumb down Englishness” (whatever the squirmy fuck that might actually mean) as part of their plan to elect Sandi Toksvig as the new unelected Caliph of Europe. Makes sense when you think about it.
Does a politician’s class matter?
There are only two classes: workers and shirkers.
The Conservatives represent the former, and Labour the latter.
Unfortunately, these days, it seems that the latter are more numerous.
David Owen, Newport
Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but the Tories have recently lurched to the right and are now all but indistinguishable from Labour (this happened yesterday while you were putting in an honest day’s toil down at t’open-plan hot-desking environment).
There might be a few peers left who’ll stick up for the common man. Apparently, despite his wealth and fame, Alan Sugar still dons a helmet and goes down his sugar-mine every day!
115 Responses to “Workers, Shirkers and Extraordinary Bell-ends”
Which is rather ironic, considering the majority of the Shadow Cabinet have done very well off a huge amount of inherited wealth!
I’m a shirking class hero.
The Tories represent the working man?
Ha!
Only when the oiky little pleb needs a criminal lawyer!
And which class are you Nelson?
In your American pro-war utopia? I thought you yanks didn’t believe in class!
Eh?
Yammy Yam……
And yet, exactly 2 months earlier David’s brain ejected this about the Tories…
Sandi Toksvig to stand as LibDem candidate in Cambridge Shock Horror!!!1!!11! (or actually, not)
http://www.cambridge-news.co.uk/cn_news_home/DisplayArticle.asp?ID=469562
Thanks for that excellently expressed bit of vitriol. I laughed.
Shall we ask Mr Adair?
Workers and shirkers? Surely he forgets those important social constituents the lurkers, jerkers, and burquhs.
Richard Grosvenor Plunkett-Ernle-Erle-Drax.
His real name.
The first thing he did upon being anmed by local Tory candidate was to quit his job.
Who’s shirking now. Eh? EH?
Let’s repeat that with added spelling…
Richard Grosvenor Plunkett-Ernle-Erle-Drax.
His real name.
The first thing he did upon being named my local Tory candidate was to quit his job.
Who’s the party of shirking now. Eh? EH?
Strangely it’s not the first time a self absorbed cock called David Owen couldn’t make his mind up about how right wing he was.
What’s worse is that he appears to be Welsh. Whatever other faults we have, we should be able to get class stereotypes right.
I wouldn’t pay too much attention to what David Owen says about Labour, he’s probably still pissed off about the “one member, one vote” thing and the failure of the SDP.
D’oh! “Do not pass go” pipped me to the post, and was funnier too, the bastard…
I’m very disappointed that David Owen didn’t resort to “one-legged black lesbians”. Then his post would have been a masterclass in HYS.
A true level 20 HYSer with maxed out perks would have noticed that workers and shirkers also rhymes with Burkahs, and had a go at them thievin’ muzzie politicians, surely.
I have managed to do fuck all at work today so am I a worker or a shirker?
I believe that makes you a Gurkah?
“Tories have recently lurched to the right and are now all but indistinguishable from Labour”
When did this happen? Not the “indistinguishable from Labour” part, they’ve been like that for ages, but the “lurch to the right”?
I’d love to know why the myth of Labour and the Tories as “right wing” still persists in spite of everything… Is it because they’re cunts and you can’t be a left-wing cunt unless you’re Tariq Ali?
“the Tories have recently lurched to the right ”
“I’d love to know why the myth of Labour and the Tories as “right wing” still persists in spite of everything”
Cretinous statements, New Labour and Tories both occupy a narrow sliver well to the right of the political spectrum; and the fuckwitted-born with a silver spoon up their arse-Tories never left that spot. WTF are some people on today.
It’s almost like Nelson was making a joke about David Owen’s belief that the Tories are somehow the party of the workers. As that would imply a left-wing ideology, the only way David Owen would be wrong would be if they had leapt away – in a rightward direction – while he wasn’t looking. Of course that presumes that this site exists to take the piss out of people who make such cretinous statements by making jokes at their expense, which I can imagine would go right over the heads of some of our thicker commenters.
Yeah, I mean apart from both of them having a privatisation fetish, preferring market forces over centralised planning, having stated policies of cutting services to lower taxes and being socially conservative, why would anyone think they were right of centre? One of them’s even got a fucking red logo, for Christ’s sake!
…Oh yeah, and let’s not forget that for both parties all of their major policies come as direct responses to the shrieking of notoriously left-wing tabloid headlines.
Kelvin. Thanks, I think that answers my question. We clearly have very different definitions of what terms like “right wing” and “socially conservative” mean, so (in a sense) we are both right.
@MelPhil (can I call you MelPhil?)
You seem a little onanistic today. Take the rest of the day off.
Yes, I’m right in the sense that I’m right, and you’re right in the sense that if you redefine all the words you’re using to mean what you think they mean, you agree with yourself.
It is one of the central themes of Das Kapital that if another, weaker country has a valuable resource, then a stronger country should invade and exploit that resource for the maximum benefit of the fewest number of people. Why else did Comrade Tony invade Iraq?
Fuckin’ commies; typical left-wing utopian bullshit.
Why oh why oh why do these cunts on HYS continue to call New Labour Socialist. It is literally insane to belive that (Labour describes itself as ‘Democratic Socialist’, this is demonstrably untrue). The only explaination I can belive is that these people belive that the word socialism means, precisely, ‘what the labour party does’. Perhaps HYS should ask ‘What is Socialism?’. That might be funny.
I think it has something to do with the arguing style of Fox News, where you can make anyone hate anything by calling it communism. For instance, the healthcare debate. You just make the point that not wanting poor people to die, well, that’s communism isn’t it. Once you’ve got a nice powerful boogie-word like communism in the mix, you’ve automatically won the argument. Whatever your opponent says, you just bellow “OH SO NOW YOU’RE DEFENDING COMMUNISM ARE YOU?”
If you think about it, any arguing tactic that favours shouting, easy labels and knee-jerk reactions is going to play beautifully among the HYS crowd. No wonder they think Labour is socialist.
Proper lol.
Off topic post (for which I apologise) but I think I have found proof that Cuger Brant was a screenwriter/director some years back:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bIbUYAjjRLc
(Stretching it to way beyond funny)
Stupid furkers.
Yes, I’m right in the sense that black is white and up is down and i don’t have butthurt
So we have the choice of two mainstream right-wing parties, a bunch of fruit-loop far right parties, the LibDems who swing any which way depending on the constituency they’re in and a handful of heroic but ultimately doomed lefty parties who haven’t a hope in hell.
Revolution anyone?
Go on then, define “left wing” in a way that includes the Conservative Party, I’m dying to get a glimpse inside the mind of a Wrong Person.
And do stick to your own name, when people impersonate me it interrupts my wanking rhythm as I re-read my posts.
“More Swan in Cognac and truffles, Sir Nathaniel?”
“Mmmm, the left wing, there, please.”
“Tarquin, darling, where should we put the chaise longue upholstered in paupers’ skin and the tears of the unwashed?”
“Put it in my billiard room, in the mansion’s left wing.”
Utter, utter, brilliance.
A successful blockquote deflowering for yours truly.
No, Geoff, it’s pronounced “LesBOSS”.
i read Nelson’s opening lines “…these aren’t just simpletons. These are cretinous, self-absorbed ball-bags…” in the style of an M&S ad. I am made of wrong.
Funniest moment of the entire series.
You think that is bad? Over on Digital Spy (where the politics forums are regularly invaded by trolls from Stormfront) I have observed no less than three different species of imbecile insisting that the Nazis were left wing on no better argument than that National Socialism contains the word “Socialism”.
The three species were:
* Those seeking to taint the left by false association with the Nazis.
* Those seeking to rehabilitate the Nazis as working class heroes.
* Those who had lost their tenuous grasp on the English language after watching Fox “News” and were spouting any old gibberish.
For those who really want to understand issues of left and right I recommend the Political Compass website. For those who just want to talk shit using words they don’t understand but made up new meanings for anyway, I recommend a good squirt of Toilet Duck.
That’s the one that actually includes Hitler, isn’t it?
Not sure I agree with its analysis though. It pegs me as an anarcho-syndicalist, which is not only flat wrong, but it also reveals the violence inherent in the system!
I’m shirking class and I think it ain’t right that some people have jobs, speshly politicians.(and I have every right to my opinion, thank you. I’ve been on the Jeremy Vine show on Radio2, THREE times). An’ I wanna, like, you know, say, like, two things…
first… I am so lovin’ MKB’s post, an’ that. If we had more MPs like him/her, this country wouldn’t be what it is now.
an’ second… Here’s me on the telly teaching that slob Prescott about class in modern Britain
Ah, the old left/right thing again. Great.
Labour and Conservatives are engaged in a petty game of I’m-the-King-of-the-Castle over whatever they currently believe to be the political centre ground. Neither party stands for any beliefs or principles anymore.
You can correct your statement, however, by simply replacing the phrase “the political spectrum” with “my opinions”.
Kelvin, Nelson. My definition of “right wing” and “socially conservative” comes from people who are proud to describe themselves as both. I think this is a reasonable source for the definition.
That said, I must concede that you are correct about New Labour policy being set by the right-wing press, particularly the Daily Mail. I am clearly forgetting that we tore up the Lisbon Treaty and seceded from Europe because of a Daily Mail editorial. Somehow, I am also forgetting that the death penalty was reintroduced for paedophiles and drug dealers. Almost unbelievably, I’m forgetting about the burqa ban and the closure of all the UK borders against asylum seekers and other migrants.
This country is basically run by a vast right-wing conspiracy with Paul Dacre at the very heart of it all, with puppet fake lefties like Jack Straw and Peter Mandelson who only *pretended* to join the Communist Party in order to perfect their disguises and thus trick you into voting for them. How silly of me not to realise this earlier…
Make it the rest of the week off.
hmmm, good points…
Yeah, I mean apart from having a nationalisation fetish, preferring centralised planning over market forces, starting life as a workers’ party, and being nationalistly socialist why would anyone think they were left of centre? WTF are some people on today.
Brilliant. And since both East Germany and North Korea have the word “Democratic” in their official titles, that must meant they were liberal Guardian-reader types. True?
Very good advocacy, and apart from being light on actual facts, very convincing.
The Nazis were very interested in the free market, competition and the services they could deliver to their cause. Among the American companies involved in Nazi Germany and who received large amounts of money from Hitler’s government were Ford, General Electric, IBM, Eastman Kodak, DuPont, B.F. Goodrich, J.P. Morgan and Gilette.
There are also a significant number of private German enterprises that existed pre-, during and post-war, trading in Europe, America and Asia. They include Krupp, IG Farben, Henkel, Volkswagen, Daimler, BWM, Bayer, Roche, Adidas and Puma (founded by two brothers, both members of the Nazi party), Bertelsmann, BASF and Wella.
Rather than take these companies into state ownership, the Hitler government both recognised and appreciated the efficiencies of private enterprise and the ideological opposition to the communist method of nationalisation and state ownership. By controlling the money supply under a protectionist economic philosophy geared toward conflict – authoritarian style, not socialist – the Nazis were able to offer huge, tradeable incentives to companies for their services.
The only centralised planning was on the part of the state war machine, not by controlling production processes or microeconomic cycles.
The NSDAP wasn’t started by Hitler, but even before Hitler was sent to investigate the precursor organisation, the German Worker’s Party, it advocated action against those on the left and centred its policies on the idea of German nationalism. Even before Hitler managed to take the leadership and added National Socialist to the front of the party’s name, the clear overriding policy of the DAP was that nationalism should take precedent over any other identity – specifically, the DAP called for Germany to be “Judenrein” (clean of Jews).
They positioned themselves in sometimes violent opposition to the class based true leftist organisations of the time, the KPD and the SPD, which were linked to the Comintern.
So there’s a few reasons why you’re wrong, and why crass assumptions based on name shouldn’t be relied upon.
I see. Neil Craig would be proud to describe himself as “a forward thinking genius” and “right about things” and I think that would be a laughable definition of both words.
Well, what can I say, you’ve uncovered the conspiracy at the heart of government. By the way, at University I was involved in student radio, I hope by the same chalk that means I can expect my Sony Award in the post any day now.
I was also going to make the point that Fox News is proud to describe itself as “Fair and Balanced,” but you probably think it actually is.
DA, here is a link to the simplified tenets of left wing beliefs. Before Tony marched the party along the third way, this song was Labour’s anthem and it is the anthem for all socialists. The Internationale
1)Listen to the words of the song.
2)Get on a plane to Krakow, go 50k west and have a look at a little town the Germans called Aushwitz.
Then come back here and explain how the two are connected.
Either that, or fuck off to the BNP. They welcome wilfully ignorant revisionists.
Is it shameful that I found this very funny? It almost made up for the realisation that the bit about Sandy Toksvig becoming Caliph of Europe was also a joke.
funny peculiar:
You had to bring that whole “concentration camp” thing up, didn’t you?
Honestly, you commit one little genocide, and nobody ever lets you forget about it…
You see what you did with your opening rant there Nelson.
You made people think it was ok to start arguing about politics and stop making fun of nutters, be more careful in future
Now someone come up with a funny post please (it’s obviously beyond me).
I too feel ashamed that I laughed at the Sugar Mine joke. Ahhhh…wonderful
Kelvin,
There is a vein standing out on your forehead, I think you should sit down for a moment and relax, while we discuss why the thought of Alan Sugar’s helmet makes me feel dirty.
Me too, but here’s a funny video instead: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yxi6QDwQyLU&eurl=http%3A%2F%2Fcassetteboy.wordpress.com%2F&feature=player_embedded
He’s right. There’s only two classes. That’s why the Torys stick up for the illegal immigrant working 84 hour weeks while traking away the rights of those retired War Verterans. The workshy twats. ‘Ooh, look at me, I lost both my legs n’ that and now i can’t drive a forklift.’ Arseholes.
And don’t even get me STARTED on children under 10, the work dodging cunts.
FFS – anyone for a sweepstake on when the Blah filter comes on again. I’ll have Monday.
I reckon Yammy Yam Nelson will stick it back on in time for Christmas. Like as a present.
Either I’ve just had a stroke or that doesn’t make sense (to me anyway)
Yes. And Picasso’s “Weeping Woman” represents someone’s head.
Paul Dacre gets paid £1.6 million a year.
Just thought you might like to know that.
Apologies for making a non-political point, but should that be “the latter is* more numerous”?
The only reason I’m making the point is that David’s post is actually quite well written (commas in the right place and everything), but it would be unthinkable for a HYSer not to make at least ONE mistake.
* this word should be underlined or bold or italic, but I don’t know how to do that – I’ve only just mastered the basic blockquote.
No, because he originally referred to “shirkers”, in the plural. “Is” for singular and collective nouns, “are” for the plural.
For me, this thread has proved that knowing about Godwin’s Law doesn’t mean you’re not subject to it.
This might help –
<em>emphasis</em> or <i>italic</i> gives things emphasis or makes them italic.
<strong>strong emphasis</strong> or <b>bold</b> gives things strong emphasis or makes them bold.
from a thread about the credit crunch. David lets us hear his foriegn policy..
You fucking hippy. ANYTHING necessary??? That includes talking and smiling at ‘em…
ANYTHING necessary as long as it involves guns, you mean, surely?
Or what do you mean, you weak, pro-chinko collaborator?
@ JC
But he then goes on to refer to the shirkers as “the latter” which is a collective noun. You wouldn’t say the team are rubbish, even if you’d originally referred to the players in the plural.
I don’t absolutely know, by the way, I’m just making non-politicial conversation.
Hey, thanks, kukomanga!!
I thought I’d mastered blockquotes. I’ve even done it right before and laughed at people who couldn’t and everything.
Sadface
I love the idea of being overtaken by China and India while we’re on a slide*, shaking our fists at them as they go whizzing past.
* in an arena
There aren’t nearly enough sites on the internet where people can engage in long, angry, and ill-informed political discussions. Thank god for this thread.
Of course the Labour Party is socialist, they nationalised the banks
I think you might say “the team are rubbish” because you are referring to the numerous people that make up the single team. I think both are gramatically acceptable.
@ PDLR
Just checked the usage rules relating to collective nouns*, and I think you’re right: they can be used either way and it’s pretty much a personal preference.
* yes, I am that bored today.
Yes, it’s almost like you have no idea about the site you’re posting on.
Traditionally, British English treats a collective noun as a plural; “Carphone Warehouse are a bunch of wankers” whereas American English treats a collective noun as a singular; “Speak You’re Branes is being shut down by President Obama.” Not that it really matters, both are comprehensible.
Surely there’s nothing more capitalist than abandoning your principles the moment it looks like capitalism might be threatened?
Why have I got this image in my head of David Owen, sat in his living room in a suburban utopia, with pictures of Churchill on his wall and military memorabilia displayed lovingly in glass cases, pouring over a game of Risk whilst enjoying a large brandy (just the one mind)?
Gurkah Shirker, I reckon you’d probably enjoy this website…
http://www.hurryupharry.org/
… and you should probably head off there right now. Those comments don’t write themselves you know!
Now can everybody please be quiet, I’m at work right now and I’ll get very tetchy if I don’t get my nap.
Then you are/is/would/might be wrong
NAPPING.
Kelvin,
I appear to have upset you, please accept my apology.
Fox Bummer,
What does FFS stand for?
I’m hoping that includes eugenics – I’ve just had a pair of half-bricks engraved with “For use on David Owen, for the greater good”.
If I’m right…
Thank fuck we’ve stopped all that tedious political stuff and have moved on to pedantic grammatical nit-picking. It’s back to the SYB I know and love(well at any rate loath slightly less than the rest of teh interwebs).
What is he pouring over his game of Risk and why? Brandy?
Doesn’t sound like a good idea to me.
Fish Finger Syndicate
Catherine Oliver.
You wouldn’t say the team are rubbish – you’d say the team is rubbish. If I were talking about Liverpool, say…
“Liverpool are shit.”
Then I’d be talking about the football team, obviously. But if were to say:
“Liverpool is shit.”
Then I’d be talking about the city.
It’s also important not to confuse collective nouns with mass nouns or other proper nouns that refer to organisations, etc.
For example, “team” would be the collective noun for Liverpool FC, and as such, that collective is considered to be an individual unit. They play as one, and are made up of individual players. Similarly, a herd is an individual unit. It may be made up of cows plural, but the herd itself is considered, grammatically, to be a single unit. That’s why you’d use “is”.
After all, collective nouns are simply a specific word for a group of something.
I knew that.
Meanwhile, back at the OP, surely that Sandi Toksvig can’t become an MP, can she? She’s a forrin; she was born in Kenya. I know someone who’s seen her birth certificate on the internet, so that proves it.
David Owen = I’ve won, dad.
Bet he’d like that on his tombstone. It would make up for not knowing who his dad is. Probably.
Up the Shirkers!
I’ve herd of cows. I saw a bunch of them in a field this morning.
No bullocks?
No, straight up.
Shirkers of all countries unite, you have nothing to lose but your [...]
I started out with the idea, then realised I couldn’t think of any good way to finish it. I offer it up to anyone funnier than me (not difficult)
bRanes?
If you like shirking so much, why don’t you go live there?
Both of those teams is shit. Doesn’t work does it? The home team is shit, and the away team are cunts.
Shirking. I get paid to do that. As a contract worker I get paid by the hour. If I do a job that is so far below my level of competance that I can finish it in half the allocated time and go home, I will only get paid half as much (for having done a good job and all!).
Therefore I either have to slowdown my work rate in order that tasks get time-expanded to fit the available budget, or shirk (browse the web, join pointless online arguments, etc).
Wonder what the fascist David Owen thinks about that aspect of his beloved capitalist system? Particularly as the end result of such mandatory well-rewarded shirking is the higher prices he has to pay for goods and services out of his giro.
Yes it dus.
Should be: ‘and the away team is a bunch of cunts’ (or a herd).
Is shirking just along the coast from Eastbourne?
No. It’s down road and round corner from Skivesdale (near Loafborough).
“Both of those teams is shit. Doesn’t work does it?”
Shouldn’t that be “Doesn’t work, does it?”
I think you’ll find that it should.
That’s because “teams” is the plural, so the proper form is to use “are”.
Also, it works if you say it with a Cornish accent.
I like the “political compass” – it puts me very close to Nelson (the other one – Mandela) but obviously I’m rather more liberal.
And just for the record, a great big finger to to the spelling police – cunts!
and that double “to” was just to wind up the obsessive tossers, if you were wondering
Not a stutututter then?
Surely anyone on HYS is either favour of the shirkers or self-hating?
Just as we all are.
Yes I ended up in that general region. I reckon the HYS brigade would have to have their own separate little annexe of a box north-east of the main diagram though..