Buyback-Bankers [Remunerated] “Investment” – 30% Quilted/Chimney
By NelsonThanks to Glenn for finding the last of these comments and introducing me to the techni-crabstick world of Stephen Dawson. It seems a few of you have emailed examples of his confusion before and Kelvin has used a few of them. I guess this just proves that, sometimes for weeks at a time, I can barely bring myself to open any SYB emails. Sorry about that
It’d be unfair of me to tell you what subjects Stephen was commenting on as the poor fucker obviously has no idea himself.
must be love and it must be blind…
Perfect OrdinaryMan, Weymouth, United KingdomLove is blind, marriage is a real eye-opener
Washing, showering, clean-clothes… are part of the MATING-RITUAL; once a-couple it is down to the duo to accomodate each-other
Where ‘she’ is single for the ENTIRE soccer-season cos ‘he’ refuses to food-shop it is only FAIR ‘he’ provides something [NOT washing] in-return
Most people grow older over-time; gaining-weight… so dumping ‘older-model’…
Stephen Dawson, Manchester, United Kingdom
Ok. Um. You’re saying you stop washing while the footy’s on? Bark once for “yes”.
Yup; yah-boo hysterics loosely-based on Brucie-show [wonderful-audience, so-much better than last-week] is no-way to run-a-country
Why does it take ‘centuries’ to pass a given-law? Those who like the sound of their own-voice belong on a wooden-box with the ‘end-of-the-world’ nutters in public-parks
Simple-laws, written in-English, require little-more than a paragraph or two
Stephen Dawson, Manchester, United Kingdom
I picked that one out because I think I can nearly tell what he’s trying to say. It looks like a moment of awful clarity as Stephen clings to the crumbling edifice of his sanity like Frodo to Mount Doom. From this terrible vantage point of self-knowledge, he stares into the fractal abyss and understands that he’s about to tumble into it once again, his brain bifurcating like a piece of broccoli. Genuinely fucking terrifying.
Darling akin Brown, Lawson, Lamont… ducked creation of Welfare Bucket [public-sector pensions UK£1+ trillion, pharmaceuticals, residential-care...] that ‘will’ be funded by future-taxation & ‘growth’
Borrowing from Welfare Bucket will allow the unemployed create new-businesses with high-risk low-interest [typically zero-percent] loans; £40k seed-capital shared with banks; dog-walking, fashion-design.
Hiding unemployment by creating local-authority ‘jobs’ does NOT create wealth or growth.
Stephen Dawson, Manchester, United Kingdom
… right. Yeah.
Um.
Shall we go for a walk in the park? Yeah? Ok. That’s right, yes, you can stand on your wooden box.
86 Responses to “Buyback-Bankers [Remunerated] “Investment” – 30% Quilted/Chimney”
Dog walking, fashion design, living together – mass hysteria.
You know that Bob Dylan song, “Subterranean Homesick”? The one where the video has the lyrics on a series of A4 cue cards? That’s how I imagine Stephen Dawson’s posts to be generated. Except the cue cards are written by a drunken baby.
I-must always-write every-sentence with-hyphenation or-else I-will look-like a-complete hungry-hippo’s haemorrhaged-hymen.
The hyphen and single comma use is bizarre. I’ve hunted for some kind of pattern or rule, but they seem to be applied arbitrarily.
Oh wait, no, It’s “Subterranaean Homesick Blues” isn’t it? Point still stands.
Perhaps the keys on his keyboard are so gummed up with the spunky residue left over from wanking over Strictly Come Dancing on iplayer that he has to use the hyphen from time to time because the space bar doesn’t work?
Love the use of ‘centuries’, as if time itself may be suspect to suspicion.
Yeah, good luck with that fatboy.
craptacular blockquote success!
I thank you.
You’d think the ones who don’t could share their secret with the rest of us, bastards.
As a law student the comment that english statutes could be summed up “in a paragraph or 2″ makes me want to either laugh in utter derision at his failure to grasp the complexity of the legal system or cry at the possibility that this man may pass on that opinion to his children. I would like to see him as PM outlining the statute on tax, crime or family law “in a paragraph or 2″.
Most people grow older over-time
Most?
And I’d like to offer my warmest congratulations to all those who’ve worked out how to type <blockquote> and </blockquote> you must be proud of your achievement.
@Mal
I choose to take that as sincere, thank you so very much.
He’s like the next generation of spambot.
@EviltheCat
First it’s blockquotes next you’ll figure out that whole destroying the universe thing.
I have a Welfare Bucket. It’s full of Snickers and gin.
I think they just die.
It’s simple, you just refuse to work outside of your contracted hours.
Damn, I knew I’d fuck-up-those-nested-block-quotes.
To be fair, I’d say Savvy Steve knows what he’s talking about when it comes to pharmaceuticals & residential-care…
And here I was thinking that was because sometimes they’re reporting on the same event.
Apparently it’s all a conspiracy, and we should seek to more like the independent, unbiased media of China and Russia. Truly, my eyes have been opened.
I like the “once a-couple” phrase – I must try to work it into a conversation at some point over the weekend, maybe as a euphemism for shagging, or something…
I also like the way that Mr Dawson’s posts go from almost comprehensible to ‘shambling nutter shouting at random objects in the park’ quite quickly – maybe he was getting towards the bottom of a bottle of meths by the third post??
(And of course, sometimes they’re both just ripping the same wire agency, or reading straight out a press release/report. Less conspiracy, more half-arsedness, though)
Is anyone else hearing the voice of Reggie Perrin’s brother in law Jimmy?
“Bit of a cock up on the sanity front”
That’s not Bury FC midfielder Stephen Dawson (http://www.buryfc.co.uk/page/ProfilesDetail/0,,10422~30613,00.html) is it? The profession may go some way towards explaining the stupidity…
Hehehehe. Good spot.
How fucking good was that program.
I had forgotten how good Reggie Perrin was, thanks Nelson.
I have a suspicion that Neil has viewed this as well and has modelled the 9% party on that one single rant.
On the introduction of 20mph speed limits in residential areas:
Hitler had highways built with no speed limits. I set my personal land speed record on one of the modern upgraded ones, the A6/E35 south of Freiburg, a couple of weeks ago: 160mph.
Also from [Breakfast-Maker]:
On real or fake Christmas trees
On whether food labels should state where the product comes from
What a dick.
I’m with you on this, Alex. In fact, I’d like to see him outline a subsection of a typical statute in a paragraph or two.
Here’s a teeny one picked at random from the new Companies Act…
I actually know what that subsection means* and it would take me at least three paragraphs to summarise it.
Perhaps Dawson could show us how it’s done outlining his indecipherable posts in a paragraph or two?
* yes, I do know how sad that is
Is it in code?? Like, is there some kind of hidden morse code message in all the dashes and commas? SOS?? I actually feel quite sorry for him, it sounds like he’s having some kind of computer-malfunction-tourette’s-style-meltdown. Maybe it is a cry for help…
.-.. — .-..
Here’s a translator.
The middle one is three “-”. WP has translated it into a long dash.
Tventy miles per hour, dumkopf. Iz zat so hard to understand? If it saves ze life of vun child…
I have a feeling we’re witnessing some form of subversive, postmodern beat poetry.
The BBC has a thread about Christmas trees called “Fake or Fir.” When your sides have stopped convulsing, I offer you the most recommended post; The HYS mindset defined in 14 words…
So after a while Stephen’s partner stopped washing, showering or cleaning her clothes? Did she also find herself strangely lacking in energy, sleeping badly, not taking an interest in activities she previously enjoyed, and perhaps tearful or despairing? Not that a decline in personal hygiene necessarily suggests a diagnosis of depression, but in combination with “in relationship with Stephen Dawson” I’d say it’s pretty suggestive. I’d also assume “reduced libido”.
I’m a bit confused that he includes both washing and showering. I am even more confused that of all the things he says that is the thing my brain finds confusing.
And yes, 95% of the things I say are about mental health. The other 5% consists of willies and string.
@Mim.
Is the other 5% about “willies” and “string” or “willies and string”?
Cos if it’s “willies and string” then I reckon 100% of the things you say are about mental health.
Hold on, I’m just going to read this one out for the missus. She’s a lawyer, and I’ll transcribe her response:
“Oh really? Cos there’s no work that goes into it behind that, at all. Haha. Stop. Don’t write what I’m saying. You dick. Haha. I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you. Stoppit! I’ll bite you. I don’t even remember what he said. It just takes like… Fine! Fine! Fine! Well, you know, the laws that take two minutes to write out are the laws where people find a loophole. Because no-one has thought out the implications of it. Poorly thought out law makes poor law!”
She’s right, you are a dick. But that was funny.
Nah, just too cheap to buy a proper cock ring,
She threatened to bite you? Hmm, maybe I knew her before she married you…
Has anyone-else been deeply-disturbed by Stephen Dawson’s totally-inappropriate use of the hyphen?
Is he on some kind of mission to impregnate his words with extra meaning? Or is he just an insufferable grammatically retarded ‘fuck-stick’?
“Most people grow older with time.”
Guess who watched The Curious Case of Benjamin Button before posting. The type of person who thinks Saving Private Ryan is a documentary, that’s who.
A couple of years ago, live on TV, an Iraqi whanged a shoe at George Bush. It was a truly great shot. It was travelling slap-bang for the middle of his stupid mush. So, I was very very VERY disappointed when the slippery fucker dodged it quite impressively.
At least Silvio wasn’t so swift
I raise my beer to whichever young Itie just fucking belted a 73 year old man in the mouth!
Congratulazioni. Ben cotto. Ti amo. Onesto lo amo.
Si chiama Massimo Tartaglia ed ha 42 anni l’uomo che ha ferito il premier Silvio Berlusconi questa sera dopo il comizio in piazza Duomo. L’uomo è in cura da 10 anni per problemi mentali al Policlinico di Milano.
Shit! Shit! Shit! The guy that punched Berlusconi is a lip-flibbling loon. I was hoping for a straight-backed, dignified Seneca who would face the baying crowd with calm reason. Oh well.
From the Times Online:
Should we tell him?
I am a psychologist and have pieced together what is going on in Stephen Dawson’s little world.
The clues are all there if you know where to look.
1)His wife has stopped washing herself.
2)His syntax and punctuation bear no resemblance to any form of English known to man.
3)He is posting what he thinks onto HYS.
The second two pieces of information have led me to believe that reason has left the house of Dawson.
The first snippet (taking into consideration the other two) has led me to believe that Mr Dawson’s beloved wife passed away some time ago and he is keeping her cadaver in the chest freezer in the utility room beneath the the frozen peas and Findus crispy pancakes.
It is my pedantic duty to point it that it is highly unlikely that these ‘cue cards’ were A4. More likely to be the US standard letter size of 8.5″ x 11″. In future when commenting on a taking the piss out of morons site, please ensure that you get your stationery facts right.
Except of course the video was shot in London (probably on film since portable video equipment was somewhat expensive back then). Also, given the relative size of the cue cards one has to assume, if they were A4, that a child-actor around three-feet tall was employed (probably illegally) to play Dylan.
Conclusion: They were most likely A3.
<blockquote.if they were A4, that a child-actor around three-feet tall was employed (probably illegally) to play Dylan.
Or it could have been Michael J Fox or Dudley Moore (if he wasn’t dead by then).
Stephen is just mad for it. I love Stephen.
—
DEBATE: Should food labels make political points?SENT:13-Dec-2009 09:43
COMMENT:What if something later go wrong with the products, who will assume responsibility when the producer is unknown…
Hussein Ameen, Nigeria
UK has experienced many food-scares; ‘origin’ quickly-identified [Argentian-beef...] & ‘blame’ dumped on ‘foreigners’. UK-criminals occassionally convicted; often passing-off unfit-for-consumption to reputable businesses having afforded high-quality samples of processed-foods to secure contracts.
Escrow-accounts [paid months-later] obvious-solution.
Click to view comment
RECOMMENDED BY:2 people
——–
(Sorry, I know not the ways of blockquotes)
I wonder does he do parentheses with his fingers when he’s talking?
He holds his hands out to either side, palms pointed inwards, and then moves them alternately up and down, as if driving an invisible car but unable to grip the steering wheel due to muscle defects.
I venemously despise you both!
Then our work here is done.
Nelson,
For what it’s worth, I would like to comment on this post where you mocked my comments, but commenting is apparently closed for that. I fail to see how pointing out the tribalism and Chicken-Little-sky-is-falling nonsense of these rabbis constitutes “ignorance, narcissism, stupidity, hypocrisy [or] bad grammar.”
-JAK
Oh Noes!
You did actually get a bit of support in that thread, JAK. However, I suspect you may have been better letting sleeping dogs lie…
Arse.
Check out this guy on the Times website:
Maybe it’s because you’re a cunt?
Dear Justin Anthony Knapp,
as an accredited customer service agent of Speak You’re Branes I would like to take a moment to address your concerns as stated in this thread.
We’re sorry that on this occasion we have not lived up to your expectations of thoroughly explaining what it was about your comment that made it so juicily mockable. Nelson has been known to occasionally make obtuse jokes at his victim’s expense and it appears on this occasion that the joke was too obtuse for your limited understanding of the subject. I have locked Nelson in a shed and will administer hourly beatings until he can repeat “some people on the internet are too stupid to see that they’re too stupid to see that they’re stupid” at which point he will be allowed back out, but he will not be given his carton of Ribena until he writes a 10,000 word essay on the geopolitical situation of the Middle East and why Justin Anthony Knapp knows tons about it and I shouldn’t be horrible to him.
You are quite right that our Mission Statement here at Speak You’re Branes is to expose “ignorance, narcissism, stupidity, hypocrisy and bad grammar” and not, as on this occasion, “such desperation to look clever that you’ll bang any old received wisdom into the white box whether you know the first thing about the subject or not.” We will endeavour to add this to our Mission Statement so that we can continue to present You, The Reader with a corporately precise and hermetically accurate reading of the site.
In closing, I do hope that our oversight on this occasion has not sullied the joyous event in which you discovered that half the internet thinks you’re a dick.
Yours,
Kelvin.
Hey! Justin! Leave those rabbis alone! All in all you’re just another dick on the internet.
Did you know Shoeburyness is a real fucking place? Bet that makes you feel better about Indianapolis, eh?
Dear Mr. Knapp,
I am the spEak You’re bRanes employee responsible for your case, I believe your statement was as follows:
and that I commented
Having re-read your post, I realise that, in fact, it is quite possible for countries other than the US to succumb to religious fanaticism, and to do so involving religions other than the Southern Baptist denomination of Christianity. Before reading your post, this possibility had quite honestly never crossed my mind and, assuming that “rock-and-roll alarmism” could be nothing but an exclusively American phenomenon, I found your light-hearted comment utterly absurd. I have recognised that this was a result of extreme ignorance and Americocentrism on my part, and offer my sincere apologies. Furthermore, I regret most deeply that I am unable to remove or edit the post mocking you, as, despite its factual flaws and unprovoked offensiveness, it remains quite funny.
Best Wishes,
Alex
Dear Alex,
as the customer service representative formerly tasked with apologising for your post, I must apologise for accidentally attributing your post to Nelson. Accordingly Nelson will now be allowed out of the shed and given his Ribena, and you will be taking his place and beatings. I hope this clears things up to your satisfaction.
Without prejudice,
Kelvin
Dear Kelvin,
I apologise for any convenience you may have caused.
Yours Sincerely
Alex.
All that, and not one solitary angry bumming. Tch!
Is it just me, or does anyone else see the resemblance in style between the third post and the Waste Land?
Is some angry bumming required? ‘Four stumps’ Jackson is positively fuming today, and he could do with some light relief. Shall I find out whether he’s free? The Cormorant’s Clunge will be back in port in the morning…
He’s here again, the BA thread:
BA… are technically bankrupt; Brown… should seize-the-opportunity & pension-fund-pots to create the Welfare Bucket; no-more final-salary, just a taxable-&-derisory state-pension
Off-book liabilities did NOT end with Enron, BFA, Lehman…; hiking air-fares, council-tax… for ‘spives-&-bookies’ to ‘invest’ on behalf of staff, investors… is a non-starter.
Stephen Dawson, Manchester, United Kingdom
WTF ???
He’s back, and he’s using semi-colons.
http://newsforums.bbc.co.uk/nol/profile.jspa?userID=565032&edition=1&ttl=20091215095149
With – “the” hyphens, and – other, seemingly, random; excess-punctuation; I have – now started; to “hear” his brainshittings in the “style” of Captain Kirk.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/User:Koavf
The link in my name will help you visualise what we’re up against here.
Relax, he’s a christian.
At least he’s not totally oblivious to the outside world then.
alt-f4, thank you for sending me only one link away from evidence that the cartoon Superbook did indeed exist and was not just a hideous imagining. I’m very glad that my brain didn’t make that thing up.
I was going to make a joke about signing Mexican football fans, but it’s not funny, so I’m just going to call him a dickhead.
How can we all have been so cruel as to mock someone who has touched Kurt Vonnegut’s knee ?! Surely that makes him a well-informed and cosmopolitan man of the wor… wait, he describes himself as a Wikipedian! PEDian, eh? BURN HIM!!!
JAK’s Mum should never have let him do a poo at Paul’s house.
ARSING ITALICS FAIL!
He’s not just a Christian, he’s a “Christian Anarchist”, which I take to mean even the church won’t have him.
Could it be coincidence though that, like Jesus, his biography jumps directly from childhood to adulthood? How does this tie into why he was born in 1982 but seems to be 50? Surely time can’t seem to go faster in his presence so what gives?
The Knappster was twenty-two at the time. That’s a bit disturbing. I bet Vonnegut realized the perils of fame all right – you get an aseroid named after you, five years later jackalopes jizz-jars are massaging your knees.
Whoops (asteroid fail)
Interesting to learn that JAK was conceived on 25th Feb 1982. The www is truly a thing of beauty.
Anyone got a sockpuppet Facebook ID that they could befriend him from?
….I mean – what’s not to admire?