Credulous Nincompoops and Curtain Twitchers and Delusions of Grandeur and Permanently Bewildered and Plain Weird and Racists and Self-appointed Sages and The Regular Twats23 Dec 2009 10:19 am

A Few Bugs in Version 2.0

By Alex

I think Betrand Russell might just fit into every category we have except ‘miscellaneous prats’ and ‘normal people’. I found him grumbling about pregnant women. Turns out he also feels rather strongly about global warming:

Some say the world is warming, some say the world is cooling. Does it really matter?

Betrand Russell

It does to me. I need to know whether to ask for flip-flops for Christmas or save up to buy a duffel coat this summer.

I am interesed in global warming and science fiction, which are linked, so I have given myself a series of names as a tribute to my heroes. Does this make me, what the kids nowadays call ‘a geek?’

Betrand Russell

I must confess, I’m not down with the lingo. Is ‘geek’ like ‘credulous self-aggrandising gobshite who skim-read one book, agreed with a bit of it and decided he wanted to ride around the thickest regions of internet on the coat-tails of the great philosophers’? If it is, you’re pulling off that “geek-chic” thing fabulously.

Hasn’t history told us again and again that religious intolerance never works?!

Cindy Chaplin, Coggeshall

I agree. I’m off to build a Catholic cathedral in Karachi. I am sure they will be very tolerant there.

Betrand Russell

Good point. Off you go. But I warn you, the local Archbishop don’t like no competition, so don’t come crying to me when the St Patrick’s mob kneecap you and take your grey lego bricks.

Do you know how many refugees the UK accepted last year?

It was 697.

Is all this HYS anger and paranoia really justified?

Col, uk

Why is it that they all appear to be living in my street? Why do people believe the figures of this government?

Betrand Russell

It’s an optical illusion Bettie. The same Somali passes you on the street and says ‘good morning’ several times a week, but it looks like lots because it happens at different times in different places and he’s wearing different clothes.

Anyway, on the basis of this last comment, I think I’ve managed to diagnose Betrand Russell. You see, he’s naturally sceptical of any kind of authority. Facts, statistics, massive buildings right there in front of you, however incontrovertible they may seem, if the pro-government, BBC-run forces of Scientific Consensus want you to believe it, it follows ergo QED that the opposite must be true. Like, for example, the Hollywood Establishment will tell you it was “just an actor”, that they used “special effects” and that he might recently have “died” of “cancer”, but do they really think you’re too stupid to see through that?

Patrick Swayze will live forever as his character in ‘Ghost.’

Betrand Russell

Unless they shoot him for his views on Anthropogenic Global Warming, that is.

30 Responses to “A Few Bugs in Version 2.0”

  1. on 23 Dec 2009 at 10:43 am   Theodore

    Has he misspelt Bertrand for any particular reason – some kind of misjudged irony or some humour that goes way over my head?
    Or is this guy as stupid as he is unpleasant?

  2. on 23 Dec 2009 at 10:51 am   Quincy

    I was wondering about the misspelling of his name too… can’t figure out if it’s an undiagnosed pun that I can’t get or if he has beaten himself with the irony stick by getting the name of his hero wrong.

    It makes him, what the kids call nowadays, a dick.

  3. on 23 Dec 2009 at 10:58 am   Jesus Chris

    It’s an optical illusion Bertie. The same Somali passes you on the street and says ‘good morning’ several times a week, but it looks like lots because it happens at different times in different places and he’s wearing different clothes.

    And don’t forget, they all look the same to Betrand.

    In the spirit of giving, and someone deciding the shit inside their head is favourable to the stuff we get in the real world, I’d like to offer you solace that ignorance is just as awesome down here as it is up there. Here’s an example of New Zealand’s finest, in the comments thread of an article reporting that a minister has suggested cancelling the dole after a year:

    Johnny P #56 08:55 am Dec 23 2009

    97% of criminals are on benefits. The government is effectivly funding these people to commit a life time of crime.

    The thread is fucking gold. It ranges from “they should grow their own vegetables and sell them on the roadside”, all the way to “piss test them” and “i see them sunbathing when im on my lunch, it’s not fair!”.

    Merry fucking Christmas.

  4. on 23 Dec 2009 at 11:11 am   Ugly Newt

    “Betrand” = “Bet Rand”, d’you see? It’s about the South African authorities gambling with people’s lives over climate change and/or AIDS. “Russell” is a reference to “rustling” up bogus statistics.

    Bugger it, I’ll try the anagram generator. “Blunderer’s last”?

  5. on 23 Dec 2009 at 11:24 am   Felna

    Maybe we should file him away with Cuger Brant under the category names too clever for the rest of us

  6. on 23 Dec 2009 at 11:27 am   Philbert

    Perhaps there should be a category called Too Lazy To Use Google

  7. on 23 Dec 2009 at 11:53 am   jpr

    Perhaps there should be a category called Too Lazy To Use Google

    There might already be one, but I’d have to do a Google serarch to find out and I can’t be arsed.

  8. on 23 Dec 2009 at 11:53 am   jpr

    ‘serarch’? Where did that come from?

  9. on 23 Dec 2009 at 11:56 am   Jesus Chris

    I don’t know, but being in Australia might have something to do with it.

    Too lazy to Google? Someone’s got your back. Not literally.

  10. on 23 Dec 2009 at 2:12 pm   dirigible

    I thought Russell’s Paradox was to do with naive set theory.

    Not failing to demonstrate one’s cleverness by being unable to spell one’s own pseudonym.

  11. on 23 Dec 2009 at 2:17 pm   Fish

    I thought Russell’s paradox was [insert your own lame joke about Russell Brand here, not forgetting to speculate whether he or the cuntulent HYS writer above is more of an arse].

  12. on 23 Dec 2009 at 2:28 pm   Jones

    The same Somali passes you on the street and says ‘good morning’ several times a week

    Like he ever goes outside ;-)

  13. on 23 Dec 2009 at 2:32 pm   still can't decide on a name

    Or is this guy as stupid as he is unpleasant?

    That’s like the chicken and egg question isn’t it; is he a cunt because he’s a cretin or……..

    Mind you, “Betrand Russell” vanity googles rather more directly, not that he’d have the brains to work that out.

  14. on 23 Dec 2009 at 2:39 pm   Alex

    Jesus, he has spelt ‘Bertrand’ wrong. I’d better incorrect the post.

  15. on 23 Dec 2009 at 2:52 pm   Oaf

    I have just looked at his HYS posts. He seems to hate everything and everyone.

    Fair enough really as I suspect everything and everyone hates him too.

  16. on 23 Dec 2009 at 3:52 pm   Rotwatcher

    I’m seeing a mixture of Bet Lynch and Ayn Rand. It’s not a good mixture either.

  17. on 23 Dec 2009 at 4:24 pm   Schroduck

    “Just seen Dr Maggie Aderin-Pocock’s Presentation – ‘Science Explained. Greenhouse Effect in a Bottle’ to the Royal Society in which she passes about 10,000 ppm CO2 into one of two bottles in front of an IR heater lamp and observes a temperature increase of 5C and goes on to infer that this is what we are experiencing globally”

    And this experiment clearly illustrates the fraud of GWCC. The atmosphere does not function like a ‘bottle’ and in no way behaves like the air/glass of a greenhouse!

    It’s nice to hear the scientific opinions on things. It’s good to know that atmosphere doesn’t behave the same way as air! This is why he’s the leading logician of the 20th Century.

  18. on 23 Dec 2009 at 4:48 pm   Ghosts of Schroduck

    Also, from following comments on Betrand’s profile (it’s like the breadcrumbs from Hansel and Gretel, only instead of bread, it’s bits of shit and vomit):

    Most of the world still uses CFC’s – and Co2 is NOT arsenic – it’s a source of nourishment not poison!

    Ghosts of John Galt, Ghost Town

    If you like CO2 so much, why don’t you go live there?

    And hey, Ghosts of John Galt, who’s your person of the year?

    John Galt is always ‘Person of the Year’ and always will be! He expressed the truth of our social order many years ago – and continues to be relevant every year that passes in this mess up. morally bankrupt, corrupt world of fake saints, fake saviours, fake economy, fake freedom and fake democracy – He saw the truth of the wealthy elite parasites and leeches who would steal the productive value of every rational thinking being in this world!

    I don’t know, John Galt seems a pretty out there choice for you, Ghosts of John Galt.

    (Also, it’s been a while, but wasn’t Atlas Shrugged in defense of wealthy elite parasites, what with John Galt taking from the economy when it benefited him, only to pull out when it was time to pay something back?)

  19. on 23 Dec 2009 at 4:49 pm   Ghosts of Schroduck

    Fuck you, blockquotes.

  20. on 23 Dec 2009 at 7:09 pm   Clovis Sangrail

    Also, can a fictional character like John Galt be man of the year? In that case I would like to propose that old bloke out of ‘Up’ – he faced down adversity and took his house (by balloon!!!1!!) to South America and heroically dealt with a power mad megalomaniac AND took a troubled young Asian-American under his wing and both learnt something about life. Plus that dog that says ‘squirrel’ makes me LOL and ROFLMAO etc. I’m a wee bit smashed I think…

  21. on 23 Dec 2009 at 8:03 pm   Alfred North Whiteface

    Why is it that they all appear to be living in my street?

    A classic case of Forrin Induced Kaleidoscopism (F.I.K). Secondary symptoms include sockpuppetry, or as he prefers to describe it “giv(ing) myself a series of names”- a defensive ritual intended to cancel out the darkface multiplying in his brain-chamber.

  22. on 23 Dec 2009 at 10:32 pm   Jesus Chris

    Hey, remember this bollocks at the bottom of the comments about the oil worker who wanted people on the dole to be piss tested?

    I work, they pay me. I pay my taxes and the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit. In order to earn that pay cheque, I work on a rig for a drilling contractor. I am required to pass a random urine test for drugs and alcohol, with which I have no problem. What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don’t have to pass a urine test.

    Shouldn’t one have to pass a urine test to get benefits because I have to pass one to earn it for them?

    Please understand that I have no problem with helping people get back on their feet. I do on the other hand have a problem with helping someone sit on their arse drinking beer and smoking dope, and doing nothing.

    Could you imagine how much money the government would save if people had to
    pass a urine test to get their benefit cheque?

    Well, it’s just popped up again on that article I posted before, almost fucking verbatim:

    Jack #198 16 min ago

    I work, they pay me. I pay my taxes and the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit. In order to earn that pay cheque, I work on a rig for a drilling contractor. I am required to pass a random urine test, with which I have no problem. What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don’t have to pass a urine test. Shouldn’t one have to pass a urine test to get a WINZ (NZ equivalent to Centrelink) cheque because I have to pass one to earn it for them? Please understand that I have no problem with helping people get back on their feet. I do on the other hand have a problem with helping someone sit on their ass drinking beer, smoking dope and doing speed. Could you imagine how much money the government would save if people had to pass a urine test to get a WINZ cheque?

    I don’t even think anyone is offering an actual opinion. I think the VRWC sends these emails around for people to cut and paste into comments threads. Either that or it’s from a labtesting company that specialises in taking the piss… and analysing it.

  23. on 24 Dec 2009 at 12:21 am   john Adair's Gerbil

    I think Jack has got about confsued about the “the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit.” bit.

    What a raddled reinder’s ringpiece.

  24. on 24 Dec 2009 at 12:42 am   Cab Grunter

    The real question is do I drink and smoke dope because the government gives me a cheque or do I get a government cheque because I smoke dope and drink? And do speed on Tuesdays when the month has an ‘r’ in it.

  25. on 24 Dec 2009 at 12:47 am   Cab Grunter

    I get a government cheque because I eat tofu. Has he thought of that? No tofu checks at his office, obviously.

  26. on 24 Dec 2009 at 7:19 am   Cab Grunter

    “I work on a rig for a drilling contractor. I am required to pass a random urine test for drugs and alcohol, with which I have no problem.”

    Replace the following words:

    work – am
    rig – stretch
    drilling – sex
    contractor – crime
    random – daily
    with – for
    problem – statutory grounds for appeal

    … and we may be a little closer to the truth.

  27. on 24 Dec 2009 at 10:03 am   Dave

    http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&source=hp&q=churches+in+karachi&aq=0&oq=churches+in+kara&aqi=g1

    they do have churches in Karachi.

  28. on 24 Dec 2009 at 9:33 pm   Lurker

    Most of the world still uses CFC’s – and Co2 is NOT arsenic – it’s a source of nourishment not poison!

    I would like to see Ghosts of John Galt take quite a few nourishing lung fulls of Co2. In a sealed box. With no air.

    Also, does Driller man know he has to pass a piss test because he works with dangerous machinery every day? I don’t need to do a piss test because the only piece of machinery I use in a day is the TV remote when I want to put Jeremy Kyle on. A TV remote is not a dangerous piece of machinery.

  29. on 24 Dec 2009 at 10:24 pm   ligne

    as the late lamented NTK might have said: doh, the humanity! http://www.google.co.uk/search?q=%22Betrand+Russell%22

  30. on 26 Dec 2009 at 2:40 am   Dave

    Historic churches and cathedrals in Karachi. Perhaps the stupid cunt-sucking shitehawk could have used Google before posting.