Are You Now Or Have You Ever Been?
By NelsonHYS is hardly populated by the brightest of sparks. If your every waking moment is haunted by the repetitive wheezing sound of your punctured ego asking “what about meeeee???”, what the greasy fuck is the point of whining about it to a bunch of similarly self-absorbed underachievers who are all thinking exactly the same thing? It’s like an everlasting AA meeting where everyone takes their turn to stand up and say “Hi, my name’s Balthazar and I’m an…” only to be interrupted by the next person along saying “Whatever. My name’s Methuselah and…” and so on. Forever. Happy Christmas HYS.
But even by HYS standards, Vincent Van Dict is awesomely stupid. I nearly had to add an extra category for him.
Should airport security get tougher?
No it should not get tighter.
All that is required is to ban ALL muslims from planes, its as simple as that. No muslims on planes means no bombs on planes simple.
Vincent Van Dict, Revolution city
They could get rid of all that complicated x-ray shit and just ask everyone to tick a box that says “I ♥ pork”.
Might be worth adding an “I promise not to blow the plane up” tickbox as well, just to catch the occasional non-Muslim terrorist.
72 Responses to “Are You Now Or Have You Ever Been?”
And they actually published that? Those crazy mods, eh!?!!!111
Vincent (and other similar HYS contributors) might be the solution to our problems.
If he was strapped into some kinetic/electrical dynamo contraption and had images of someone wearing a burkha in Buckingham Palace at regular intervals, the resulting spasmodic limb convulsions would produce a fairly steady supply of electrical energy.
Hook up the all the HYS idiots and we could have next to free power.
Never understood the “are you coming to the US to engage in criminal activity?” checkbox on the form you have to fill in on the plane to the states but shurely that covers blowing the plane up? Once you hit US airspace. Which I suppose makes it useless for most of the flight.
No, forget I mentioned it.
They’re going to get rather harder to deport if they can’t fly though. Moreover, Vincent’s wisdom should probably apply to all public transport, just to be safe. Let’s see if the police is willing to walk them all back to Islamistan or wherever it is that they came from.
This sudo science is driven by a believe that we can change things. 98% of the heat on our planet comes from the sun via the oceans, we may be responsible for 2%, but saving that is not going to save the world.
This is just more excuses to over tax us even more.
Vincent Van Dict, Revolution City
[The police] should be disbanded and replaced with a civillian force instead of the over budgeted “military style” force it has become. The police are there to serve, yet they continue to abuse there position.
The police are corrupt, the polititions are corrupt the system is corrupt. We as a population are lied to, spied on and then expected to provide taxes which the idiots in charge then squander on pointless projects.
Vincent Van Dict, Revolution city
We no longer live in a free country so the retension of this data is nothing new.
George Orwells 1984 is here, alive and kicking. To think that 20 years ago people were trying to escape from behind the iron curtain to enjoy the freedoms of the west, yet today here in Great Britain we are under far more surveillance than the east Germans ever were. We have the PC stasi who tell us what to think. We have cameras everywhere which watch our every move, and databases that collect information on us.
Vincent Van Dict, Revolution City
Perhaps V van Dic is a victim of skunk abuse? http://newsforums.bbc.co.uk/nol/thread.jspa?forumID=7339&start=60&edition=1&ttl=20091228104847 “I can understand the convictions for sex offences been divulged, but someone caught smoking a spliff 25 years ago??.”
The Israeli police already thought of something alarmingly similar to the “I heart pork” idea, but I don’t know if it was ever implemented: http://www.smh.com.au/articles/2004/02/12/1076548157145.html
… wasn’t that on on Boxing Day, Samuel L. Jackson was quite good
PC Stasi sounds like the sort of old-fashioned bobby on the beat that most HYSers have recurring wet dreams over: sorting everything out with a clip round the ear and a collection of their parents underwear.
Tosstodgers. Apostrophic fail. “parents’”.
An equally constructive suggestion from Telegraph commenter Kevin Wardle:
(source)
I think he means “complicit” rather than “implisite”, but otherwise this seems like a sterling suggestion. If you’re a vole’s verminous vadgepiece, that is.
IIRC Zappa used the “pork fat” suggestion twenty years ago in his autobiography, The Real Frank Zappa Book.
For those of us who are beacons of mediocrity whose only talents are toilet humour*, it’s nice to have proof that even the most talented, brilliant and dazzling of human beings can occasionally sound like an arse.
* ie Me. Poo bum willy, etc.
[can should of course have been could. Botty.]
@Wetherby Pond
I have to call Fake on Mr Wardle. Those spelling mistakes are just too obviously manufactured.
Back to the topic, I was browsing the airport security thread yesterday (during Cranford) and it’s a beaut.
James has it cracked, methinks. I will certainly be demanding access to the TIDE and to the passenger list before I venture onto a plane again, and if there are any terrorists on my flight I shall hand in my ticket and demand my money back.
P.S.
The “Once again U.K. wake up to who you let come and live in the U.K.” bit presumably refers to his post on November 13th in the “Is Immigration a problem?” thread, when he came out with this priceless piece:
There’s so much to deconstruct in that one that I can’t be arsed to do it. He’s just a twat.
Aye, that topic contains some right belters:
“I’m sorry , but people with long names ,double barreled or just plain time wastingly long should have to pass through a special desk for checking .Can i say this without being accused of sounding racist (which i’m not), he wasn’t called Jim Smith was he ? I have to spell out even my common name quite often…how long it must take some people to have their names checked i dread to think.. (if indeed they are) Strip search with light refreshments provided is the only way!
PAUL WILLIAMS, MANCHESTER, United Kingdom”
So there’s the heat from the sun, which travels through the oceans to reach the earth; then there’s the heat produced when we make a cuppa or light our torches for a bit of mob-justice.
It’s as if he’s built his entire model around an inability to spell the word “retention”.
Anyway, enough about that.
I bought my boyfriend Cuger Brant’s ‘Something Wicked This Way Comes’ for Christmas. He’s been reading out excerpts for me. It’s quite wonderful.
The title story is about a bird flu epidemic. It opens with the death of a certain Mary Grant, who, by all accounts, is a bit of an alcoholic. We are later introduced to our story’s hero Bruce Grant (oh yes!), Mary’s ex-husband. Bruce likes to spend his time down the pub looking at the lovely Kate, who is really really lovely, and occasionally talking to her. In a rare moment of self-awareness, Bruce wonders if it’s love or just an old man’s pathetic fantasy. Fairly soon one of the pub’s other patrons, stupid rich stupid big-head Dan with the girlfriend with the big tits stupid Dan arse-face dies of bird flu. Lovely Kate is then all vulnerable and scared and asks Bruce if she can move in with him so he can protect her and stuff. They then survive the bird flu pandemic by doing lots of gentle, restrained love-making in lovely Kate’s lovely fanny.
Basically he self-published his own wank-fodder. Boke!
The pork thing reminds me of some colonial leader who stopped Muslim fanatic suicide attacks by burying the bodies of the attackers with pigs. Dunno if it’s racist, but it seems to be fighting fire with fire.
Anyway you can sort of see where the bombers come from, if their idea of the west is gleaned from the intereb machine
That’s a novel way of attempting to dismiss it all as “appeal to authority”.
Isn’t, like, sudo science the science behind Sudocrem?
Off topic, but I’ve just found this, about a women-only car park.:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/asia-pacific/8432887.stm
Please join with me in prayer, that they open a HYS on this item.
Don’t be absurd, Nelson.
I don’t think Vincent Van Dict goes anything like far enough. I think the second someone from a particular background, sex or ethnic group commits a crime, then everyone else who fits that profile should immediately be banned from doing whatever it is – so white ex-soldiers can no longer drive trucks in Oklahoma, Irishmen can no longer buying fertiliser, you name it.
I mean, it worked brilliantly in Dunblane, where they decided that since Thomas Hamilton held a British passport, all UK passport holders should therefore be banned from owning guns. And the result was, of course, the near-instantaneous elimination of all gun crime in Britain.
Oh, I will!
Well done, Mr Pond, for managing to confuse legislation intended to lessen the incidence of random killing-spree shootings with legislation intended to fight organized and semi-organized crime.
I once had to fill in a Special Branch screening questionnaire (something to do with the Royals, cannot say more, official secrets etc etc blah blah bore bore) …
Anyway, it genuinely did ask :
Have you ever supported a terrorist organisation?
And I had to tick the yes box … and ‘passed’ !!
You couldn’t make it up!
Not sure you are going quite far enough Mr Van Dick. A grounded muslim is surely no better than a cornered tiger? Probably safest to kill them all.
But would the PC brigade stand for that? Not ruddy likely! Animal Farm has, as you rightly say, returned for real.
Mr. Newt – I Just thought you’d like to know that although there are probably only about 3 people reading this who understand that joke, it was worth writing.
Good on yer, Vincent. We all know what those Muslim gals have hidden underneath their head-to-toe wrappings, don’t we? Eh? Eh? You with me?
Who among us hasn’t imagined peeling off one of those sheet-like garments, layer by teasing layer, until we finally reveal the delicious caramel-brown trophy within.
And then calling the immigration services to report that we’ve got another one for them.
Naich – glad to know it reached its target.
Wetherby Pond – I was in Wetherby earlier today, but didn’t stay long enough to investigate: have you thawed yet?
Which one did you support?
Strangely having a dodgy past isn’t a bar to passing security checks – what they’re concerned about is a dodgy past that you won’t admit to – then you can be blackmailed. A friend of mine passed a fairly high-level security check even after I told the man from MI5 that he smoked dope regularly …
jpr: when you say “a friend of mine” in the same sentence as an admission that you snitched on to MI5 them for smoking weed, my brain forms a hybrid of two conclusions:
1) You tried to stop someone you dislike from getting a job in WH Smiths by calling the manager uninvited and telling him a prospective employee was a drug addict.
2) You’re a right cunt.
The two are not mutually exclusive.
Allowing Muslims access to planes is obviously a plot by the PC tree-hugging liberal elite and must be stopped. I say we nuke the whole Middle East (though not the oil wells) and most of South Asia just to teach them a lesson, that’ll stop ‘em. But the yooman rights brigade would just moan about it. Bloody PC luvvies – genocide isn’t always wrong, you know.
By the way, the gibbering HYS loons are congregating to celebrate the Chinese government’s killing of a mentally ill man at present – none of the posts have mentioned he’s a Muslim yet, though I’m sure quite a few are being moderated. And given the babbling lunacy and infinite ignorance of the HYS posts that are published, imagining what gets moderated is rather mind-bending.
Verbal irony is a disparity of expression and intention: when a speaker says one thing but means another, or when a literal meaning is contrary to its intended effect.
@BloodyPCFeminazi: Oh God, I just looked, thanks a lot. That story is just so bad to start with, a mentally-ill person exploited by unscrupulous people and then executed, without the HYS crew crowing over it.
My choice from the “most recommended” so far:
What makes these terrorists tick eh?
Now remember people, Vincent is allowed to vote in general elections.
and @random punter I’m totally calling fake on James Sibanda. I imagine some spinster in her early sixties googling African surnames and imagining conversations in the country of Africa “A winga winga, booger booger Soft Touch Breetan” or is that the point, you’re providing an example of fake and I’m a festering ferret’s fundament?
Number 2 is often correct, but not in this case.
My friend was interviewed by the security services because his job relied on a high level of security clearance. They asked him a lot of questions, recorded his answers and then interviewed his referees, of which I was one. Basically they asked me to confirm what he’d said by asking the same questions. One of the ones they’d asked him was ‘Do you smoke dope?’ He had truthfully replied ‘Yes’. When I was asked if he smoked dope, the correct answer was also ‘Yes’. The fact that he admitted to it meant that a Foreign Power could’t blackmail him over it. The security services seemed unconcerned as to whether it was illegal or not.
Mind you, I think he stopped smoking it pretty soon afterwards
(When I filled out my security questionnaire a few years ago for a defence sector job there was a ‘Anything You Can be Blackmailed Over?’ question. I said no. This was a lie. Since,a t the time, it was something I’d rather Mrs JPR didn’t find out about I guess that makes me a cunt*.)
*She knows now. It’s all cool.
About the blackmailable thing, that is. Not that I’m a cunt. Although she worked that out when I told her.
In truth I think that was the point of RP’s “too much to deconstruct” remark. Nobody who really was from an African country is likely to say, “I am from Africa..”. The wonder is that they didn’t say, “I also speak fluent African so I know what those Africans are all saying..”
Not wanting to bring the tone right down, but the Daily Mail had some choice thoughts: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1238418/Scotland-Yard-raids-London-addresses-Al-Qaeda-suspect-tries-blow-U-S-passenger-jet.html
Full of the usual, blaming everything from Gordon Brown to yuman rights to soft touch Britain to Gordon Brown to the EU to Nu Liebore to Afghanistan to Gordon Brown, but one person appeared to have his finger on the real culprits – University College London: (prepare for blockquotes fail)
quote/["Let's be thankful that we went to one of our new labour designed universities where anyone gets in and the brainier kids are passed over by the underprivileged.
If he had had gone to a real university, having obtained real A levels, he might have 1) seen the error of his ways and not even attempted the bombing or 2) understood what he was doing and made it work.
For once we can thank NuLabour for it's devalued "educashion" system.
I suppose the next news snippet we will get is that he is an overstaying illegal immigrant that should have been deported three years ago but used the Human Rights Act to gain political asylum.
We live in a very damaged world. We may have stopped Russia and the US from lobbing nuclear warheads at each other but there are lots of much smaller enemies out there.
- David, Pwllheli, North Wales, 26/12/2009 12:24"]/unquote
I wonder if David went to Imperial?
RT: I think quite a few of them are just annoyed the execution wasn’t televised. Truly incredible. Here are a couple of recent additions (sorry, not sure how to do block quotes here):
—————————————
11:32 GMT 11:32 UK
i didnt know mentally ill people were allowed to fly around in planes.
richard, merthtyr
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11:33 GMT 11:33 UK
For all this about him being bipolar, he seemed quite capable of carrying 4kg of drugs into China. I don’t support the death penalty, but liberal Britain needs to stop excusing him on grounds of non-existent mental health grounds (given he had no history of it, it seems rather odd that the moment he smuggled drugs into China that he suffers from it?)
Daniel Jeffery, Havant, United Kingdom
—————————————-
Yeah, those mentally ill people being allowed to fly around in planes, it’s PC madness, innit, even though he wasn’t mentally ill at all really and just faked it all his life as an excuse to smuggle drugs to China, ‘cos Daniel knows what’s what, right?
Scary that the HYSers have apparently unsupervised access to computers and other electrical equipment, they could drool over the electrical socket at any moment and have a tragic accident.
@Something Wicked This Way Comes,
I would dearly love to know the sales figures for our dear friend Cuger this Christmas – how many ‘Speak Your Branes’ers contributed to his family’s hoard of gifts? From the tin foil hats, to the wipe-clean keyboard & monitor covers…
I can just picture the idyllic scene of Cuger holding his dear children close, while dreaming of the ‘Lovely Kate’, or rather, not. With the Queen’s Peach on telly.
Oops, that post went a bit awry there…
I think he means ‘All that is required is to ban ALL browns and coloureds from planes, its as simple as that. No browns or coloureds on planes means no bombs on planes simple.’
I mean, he doesn’t really care about the religion, does he? Just that they look a bit funny.
Some people just can’t get their abject racism right…
Well then Olivia, what on earth have you got to say for yourself now that Theodore has pointed out your foolish mistake? I guess you should just thank him and try to move on.
In fairness to Daniel Jeffery, an inability to carry large quantities of drugs actually is one if the diagnostic criteria for bipolar disorder.
Also, I would rather be mentally ill than fucking thick.
I am loving that UCL rant. It may look like the usual sub-standard, incoherent, wank in which an ill-educated oaf ignorantly slags off the 4th highest ranked University in the whole World, but follow the implications for full on Sci-Fi giggles:
* It is claimed that UCL is an invention of the Labour Party, in it’s “New Labour” mode, no less.
* UCL was founded in 1826.
* The Labour Party was founded in 1900 and didn’t become “New” until 1994-6.
So…
* New Labour has a TARDIS.
* Gordon Brown is The Master after a slightly dodgy regeneration.
* Harriet Harman is The Rani.
* David, Pwllheli has “accidentally” got a sonic screwdriver stuck up his arse.
QED. (Radial slice of baked confection)
oooo, apologies for the arsed up blockquotes, didn’t go to a real University.
I would thank Theodore, Nelson, but his comment is strangely indecipherable to me. Since I’m only up to intentionally ironic remarks in my four-week lecture course and corresponding workbook, I’m forced to assume it consisted of him missing the point of something I said and telling me I missed the point of something you said.
Or my comment was just crap irony in the first place.
On initial reading, I thought you might be Cuger’s long suffering girlfriend, who’d bought his book to double his sales figures this harsh winter.
And as a former UCL student, I reckon David of Pwlheli went to Strand Polytechnic (King’s College). He also makes me sad to be a Welshman. Cretinous Capybara’s cock.
@ Newt & Naich: Me, me, I got the joke! But only cos I had to google it after I read this: http://xkcd.com/149/
“I bought my boyfriend Cuger Brant’s ‘Something Wicked This Way Comes’ for Christmas. He’s been reading out excerpts for me. It’s quite wonderful.”
—————————————-
Either Cuger Brant’s girlfriend’s English isn’t terribly good and she’s saying she bought the book for him or he’s been telling her fibs – “Ray Bradbury? Oh, that’s just my pen name.”
Or maybe Ray Bradbury’s suffered massive dementia in old age, forgotten his name and assumed a whole new and remarkably stupid persona, which would be sad. I’d rather remember him as he was.
Ohhh sorry, only just read the earlier post – the novel’s plot seems to have changed rather drastically since Ray Bradbury’s version – and not for the better.
Just to point out that you should all go and take a look at the BBC article on underwear linked by ‘Any Rand will do’ above, because I’m 99% certain that the picture at the top of the article shows Gobbler, the oral sex alsatian, during his work hours…
He’s obviously far too busy sniffing panties to post anything on here – I was worrying about him for no reason. Phew
woof, woof, sniff, sniff, pant, pant
Alternatively you could just remind yourself that Theodore also seems to enjoy stalking a teenage girl who appears to have low level learning difficulties.
You make that sound like a bad thing.
Stephen Dawson weighs in, the dirty bastard :
DEBATE: Should airport security get tougher?SENT:27-Dec-2009 09:45
COMMENT:Paper-panties, cloth-gowns & slippers available TODAY in hospitals; removing ALL clothes [returned post-landing] with intimate body-search inevitable ‘price-worth-paying’
NO hand-luggage, duty-free should be allowed in the passenger-cabin; those willing to-die on-board should NOT be confused with the IRA…
Cargo-luggage should be treated as freight; collected & moved to ‘bonded-ware-house’ for examination weeks, if not months, before EVERY flight.
HomelandSecDB…; choice-of-one.
and again -
Should airport security get tougher?SENT:27-Dec-2009 10:29
COMMENT:stop dishing out student visas like sweets…
name required, kent
Foreign-students subsidise English… through their fees; obvious alternatives are sponsorship, apprenticeship, taxation… where ‘employer’ gets ‘pick-of-the-litter’
UK-born drug-dealers… converting ['bogus' Muslims] released from UK-prisons present a real-threat; those objecting to their details being held on Homeland Security Database may reflect ‘under-the-radar’ associates too have ’cause’…
So it is.
Meanwhile, from the Guardian CiF editorial about the execution of Akmal Shaikh comes this comment, with 110 recommends (so far):
Sapper
30 Dec 2009, 12:35AM
Just what is all the fuss here?
China has done the world a favour and got rid of another drug smuggling oxygen thief.
Thanks China and I really mean thanks China for doing it, I just wish the UK dealt with the drug dealing / smuggling in the same manner. My only criticism is why did it take so long?
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It continues in the same vein, but you get the general gist. Apparently HYS isn’t the only destination of the seriously sick and deeply disturbed – though their spelling is better in the broadsheets. Bloody depressing.
CiF is as big a cesspool as HYS, but I think the difference is the trolls on CiF know they’re trolling.
@ Newt & Naich
I also got the joke! Huzzah! Even though it took me ages, and I use Ubuntu.
@ Finn – what a coincidence – our mascot here on the Cormorant’s Clunge happens to be a karmic koala… funny that
@Pirate Pete
Not a chameleon?
god the intelligent, funny, sophisticated, silent majority. I’m so glad you contribute and don’t let people get away with this nonsense. Thats when the literal meaning doesnt…… whatever irony means. You do realise that 35 people trying to find the most amusing way to denigrate a stupid statement is an awfuly waist of time. Your basically just giving each other a big pat on the back which you shouldnt need.
And here you are commenting on that waste. What a hero.
But then she would have two copies.
That’s so sweet! You think HYS is a forum for discussion and debate, like grownups would have. I bet when you go to the zoo you berate people who don’t try and engage the bonobos in intelligent conversation too.
@Rob – not every Imperial attendee has the hates on UCL – some of reserve that for Kings…
Personally, I think David from Pwlheli is jealous that some folk get to go to to real Universities, rather than old Polytechnics. (Not that I have a downer on most old Polys…) Either that or he’s a little confused as to the word “College” in the context of the London University Colleges…
“the trendy metropolitan elite, for whom drug use is a fashionable habit rather than serious criminal offence”
for quotes like that I might actually start reading the mail, it reads like a comedy