spEak You're bRanes

From me bruv.

It must be difficult for Northerners to understand the disruption caused by the snow, because the disruption is primarily being caused to people with jobs.
Greg

That is brilliant and so true. We were all sat around in Sheffield today trying to decide how to spend t’giros you tax-paying southern ponces keep sending us when someone read your HYS comment on the Yorkshire Internet Computer. We spent a while trying to think of a similarly brilliant retort but then t’bullock escaped from t’lower Wakefield paddock again and t’village elders sent us all out into t’fields to t’get it t’back t’again. T’wat.

We’ve decided to divvy up the gay execution thread, just because there is so much fail of so many sorts to go round.

These people are just human beings like any other. The only difference is they choose to live a different kind of life. We should not discriminate them from others. They have the same rights like every body else. Such laws are very retrogresive and create acrimony for nothing. We should learn to have respect and appreciate other persons lifestyle. We can not all have the same lifestyle. The way we differ in appearance is the same way we differ in thinking.

AUBREY CHINDEFU, LUSAKA ZAMBIA

Aside from minor typos and the fact that it’d do as much good to the world if Aubrey Chindefu had drawn a picture of a walrus on the screen in marker pen, this is an intelligent, reasoned and eloquent comment. I even had to look up ‘acrimony’ and I’m like, really clever. It reminds us, if we needed reminding, that Africa is a huge and diverse place, and the gulfs of opinion can be as wide between two next-door neighbours as they can between Cape Town and Tripoli. Of course, at the close of play, this had all of 3 recommendations because, on the subject of whether Africans should be killing Africans for having the wrong bum-sex with Africans, HYSers aren’t really interested in the African perspective. Not when they could be telling savage, childlike foreigners what to do, anyway.

Are they serious? Seriously? When the rest of the world is trying so hard to recognise Africa as civilized, why do they have to shoot themselves in the foot like this?

licoriceallsorts, candyland

You fucking idiot Africa.

What a barbaric and ignorant proposition. If Africa wants help from the west then I see no reason why we should not attatch some cultural conditions to that aid.

Killing someone because of a personal and private choice is medieval and reflects the emotional immaturity of African socieities. The West needs to stand firm against rubbish like this. If Ugandans want to oppress minorities with death threats then they can ask the Chinese for billions in aid instead, and see how far they get.

A shocked gay man, uk

I understand you’re shocked, shocked gay man, but do you really think stopping Africa’s pocket money will help? With something as extreme as executing gays it should be a simple case of “grow up or get a smacked botty”.

“Nations do not have a right to execute homosexuals,”

Yes they do. They can kill whoever they want. Fortunately we have bigger guns than them, and should currently be sabre rattling.

Matt, Manchester

Hang on Matt, surely a sabre’s a bit excessive. Maybe just pull Uganda’s pants down and use the flat of your hand. Or bomb it from the skies a bit, whichever works for you.

This is a difficult situation to comment on because, as a white person, I know I should be polite when I talk about black people, mindful of 100s of years of European oppression.

But, while generally respecting black people as a race and a culture, I can only describe the Ugandan politicians who are supporting this bill as primitive, superstitious barbarians.

I hope all the decent Ugandans do not allow their country to become synonymous with violent stupidity. Reject this bill

Rocket Scientist

Congratulations. You’re like, the least racist person on HYS. In fact, I’ve made you a special plaque in the form of a very small swastika.

I’m going to end on another sensible comment because we need to remain positive in the face of such massive, massive bollocks. It works best if you picture Ibraheem Hameed as the scatty but amiable vicar of a small country parish, haring into the church and vaulting onto the pulpit to gabble this short comment at breakneck speed, before dashing off to be somewhere else ten minutes ago and leaving his glasses behind.

Death penalty or whichever kind of sanction it may be for homosexual act, the poor masses suffer from it. It is not an act of murder or it like therefore, let them do what they think is good for them. For all of us are sinners.

Ibraheem Hameed, Khartoum

Cast first stone. Forgiveness. Amen. A sermon for the twitter generation.

Silly HYS moderators, it’s still 9 days until Christmas. Why have you gone and given every bigot with internet access an early present?

Homosexuals should not be executed. But homosexuality should be recognised for what it is – a perversion of natural sexual relations. Instead in our Godless humanistic society it is almost now being given some sort of protected and elevated status.Homosexual marriage is a travesty and an abomination. As is homosexuals in leadership positions in the church. One sign of a decaying society is the legitimising and the widespread practice of homosexuality.One of the major reasons for the fall of Rome

The Rev Oik, Reading

This is a nice little comment, it’s like a Milk Race of all the standard homophobe’s arguments. Particularly nice is the way “protected and elevated” actually means “equal to everyone else.”

I believe if you asked most “straight” men they would tell you they find homosexual acts abhorrent but you would find few that would advocated executing homosexuals.

We did have legislation in this country but it was removed by parliament.

However I do think it is too much ” in your face” these days ,ably assisted by the BBC – you just have to look at some of their presenters.But I suppose diversity brownie points are the route to promotion

[prettygrumpy]

And that’s the problem with equality, isn’t it. Someone will always game the system. If you can’t take the Konnie Huq route of blacking up with Bisto, and you find wheelchairs too uncomfortable, you can always just chug down a cock or two and sail your way into BBC management.

The basic act of homosexuality may be abhorent to some, but apparently it is not this one act the constitutes homosexuality, as practioners would have you believe it is a cultural/lifestyle thing that is totally in keeping with the 21st century. It is though based solely on this one act, and doesn’t merit “rights”.
The death penalty – no. Just pay more taxes than hetros.

The Big Fish, Stockport, United Kingdom

Great idea there, The Big Fish, but what happens when they get sick of taxation without representation and refuse to pay the tariff? It starts with the Boston Bumsex Party, then they’ll have a revolutionary war, then before you know it they’ve gained independence and they’re the major economic superpower on the planet. With fabulous hair to boot.

I LIKE PARKING. I wish I could park wherever I want, but I can’t because of PC. I want to park right near the supermarket, because I am very busy and have lots of important opinions to disseminate. But I can’t, because I’m not disabled. So why should some oversized sprog-factory have it any better?

More politcally correct nonsense that will cost millions and be widely abused. Why doesn’t this government do something useful and face up to the desperate financial state they have left us in rather than come up social engineering projects like this?

Betrand Russell

You can’t be the real Bertrand Russell. The real B.R. would never use the term ‘social engineering’ without mentioning the special spaces for one-legged pregnant black lesbians with small refugee children in a Muslim wheelchair.

Pregnant women are already set to raid my pay packet via the tax system, I would rather they did not take up parking spaces as well.

Maxell Fellows

It’s a good point Maxwell, but as always, isn’t the root of the problem really just other people existing in general?

Another great idea of Britains namby pamby outlook on life.Pregnency is a wonderful thing in life,not a illness,people used to say only in America,thats changed to only in the U K,pathetic.

Mark Wilson, Bracknell

Wonderful’s right! It’s that beautiful kind of “pregnant glow” they get about them, isn’t it? I know it’s only sweat, but there’s still something magical there. So it stands to reason that they’ll only get more lovely the further you make them haul the shopping.

I bet it’s the blokes who disagree ! Ever tried waddling around and manoeuvring in the last months of pregnancy ? Yes, of course they should. Be kind.
[smilingparrotfan]

Then send your partner or a friend.
Men dont have it easier than women. You wouldnt let us
wayne, lancashire

Does it feel better now? All that burning anger from reading the words ‘women’ and ‘given’, has it subsided, or will you need to punch something and have another wank?

In the mid 70′s my wife worked as a delivery driver driving one of the old style mini vans – they were small!

She was in and out of that van all the time all day long. She worked up to the week before she gave birth to our second son.

We used to laugh as she tried to get in and out from behind the wheel, but thought nothing of it.

Now children are being overly mollycoddled, let’s not start on the mothers to be.

Brown Fitz Darling, Ripoff, United Kingdom

We should be raising our pregnant women to ‘ave a sense of discipline, by ‘eck. Why, back when I were a lad I’d send me pregnant mother five miles int’ snow wi’ no shoes on just to take a book I ‘adn’t read back t’ library, then when she came back I’d punch her int’ stomach. Never did me any ‘arm.

You know that guy down the road? The guy whose curtains are usually drawn, but who you know is there because the front garden is impeccable? The smaller kids run past his house, the older ones dare each other to touch the front door? Well, what do you reckon his screen name is?

In places like Croydon, where I live, the chances are that one’s neighbours speak a different language, and all of their friends will be from “their” community, not mine, a member of the indigenous English, who apparently HAVE no “community” in this city.

Croy boy, Croydon, United Kingdom

I have it on good authority that there is a thriving whites-exclusive community in Croydon. They just haven’t told you because even racists find you self-righteous, whiny and tedious.

No, I’ve made no effort to get to know my neighbours in the 6 years I’ve lived where I am now. And why should I? I don’t actually have anything in common with them other than a postcode.

Ryan B, Glasgow

You should try and befriend them. Seriously. However bad it seems at the time, I can guarantee it will hurt them far more than it hurts you.

We live in an age of Neighbours from hell. Quite apart from the young, people are, on the whole, wrapped up in their miserable little worlds, listening to iPods or chatting inanely on their mobile phones. There are no basic manners eg acknowledging one another’s presence by a simple greeting, let alone build a sense of Community.

ian cheese, london, United Kingdom

I know what you mean about neighbours from hell. Mine are just as bad. Every time I look in through their window – which is several times a day I should add – there they are, yakking away, to each other or on some kind of phone, watching TV or listening to music on headphones or through speakers. Does no-one make time for the internet in this sad day and age?

Maybe a lot of us can’t speak our neighbours language to get to know them?.

Wobblybob, Hull

From what I gather on HYS, learning a foreign language to near-native standard is piss-easy if you’re foreign and it’s English. So maybe “a lot of us” should get off his fat white arse and learn it then. Failing that, you could always resort to sign language. First point your thumb backwards at yourself, then, your fingers held flat at right-angles to your palms, stretch your arms out to the side completely, next point at your backside, and finally make a little ‘o’ sign with finger and thumb. Do that, or alternatively just show them your face, and they’ll get the message.

Thanks to Glenn for finding the last of these comments and introducing me to the techni-crabstick world of Stephen Dawson. It seems a few of you have emailed examples of his confusion before and Kelvin has used a few of them. I guess this just proves that, sometimes for weeks at a time, I can barely bring myself to open any SYB emails. Sorry about that *.

*I may not actually be sorry about that.

It’d be unfair of me to tell you what subjects Stephen was commenting on as the poor fucker obviously has no idea himself.

must be love and it must be blind…
Perfect OrdinaryMan, Weymouth, United Kingdom

Love is blind, marriage is a real eye-opener

Washing, showering, clean-clothes… are part of the MATING-RITUAL; once a-couple it is down to the duo to accomodate each-other

Where ‘she’ is single for the ENTIRE soccer-season cos ‘he’ refuses to food-shop it is only FAIR ‘he’ provides something [NOT washing] in-return

Most people grow older over-time; gaining-weight… so dumping ‘older-model’…
Stephen Dawson, Manchester, United Kingdom

Ok. Um. You’re saying you stop washing while the footy’s on? Bark once for “yes”.

Yup; yah-boo hysterics loosely-based on Brucie-show [wonderful-audience, so-much better than last-week] is no-way to run-a-country

Why does it take ‘centuries’ to pass a given-law? Those who like the sound of their own-voice belong on a wooden-box with the ‘end-of-the-world’ nutters in public-parks

Simple-laws, written in-English, require little-more than a paragraph or two
Stephen Dawson, Manchester, United Kingdom

I picked that one out because I think I can nearly tell what he’s trying to say. It looks like a moment of awful clarity as Stephen clings to the crumbling edifice of his sanity like Frodo to Mount Doom. From this terrible vantage point of self-knowledge, he stares into the fractal abyss and understands that he’s about to tumble into it once again, his brain bifurcating like a piece of broccoli. Genuinely fucking terrifying.

Darling akin Brown, Lawson, Lamont… ducked creation of Welfare Bucket [public-sector pensions UK£1+ trillion, pharmaceuticals, residential-care...] that ‘will’ be funded by future-taxation & ‘growth’

Borrowing from Welfare Bucket will allow the unemployed create new-businesses with high-risk low-interest [typically zero-percent] loans; £40k seed-capital shared with banks; dog-walking, fashion-design.

Hiding unemployment by creating local-authority ‘jobs’ does NOT create wealth or growth.
Stephen Dawson, Manchester, United Kingdom

… right. Yeah.

Um.

Shall we go for a walk in the park? Yeah? Ok. That’s right, yes, you can stand on your wooden box.

Thanks to Siddhu and Neil.

Self-service checkouts?

I love self-service checkouts. I can buy those embarrassing items without anyone knowing, don’t have to stand behind women or old people fiddling with their purses, and can avoid all form of contact or ‘conversation’ with the checkout assistants.
mike wright, birmingham

Been struggling with this one. I reckon it’s that garlic you get that’s been chopped up and put in a tube.

I did wonder whether he was getting off his clangers on Canestan Combi. Try it next time you’re down the self-service checkout. Take a good hit of cream and you’ll be gurning like Bez at the Haç in 1989. Massive rush in the bagging area. Then you get a nice clean buzz off the pessary, perfect for a comedown.

When I read something like this it reminds me that these aren’t just simpletons. These are cretinous, self-absorbed ball-bags, proud of their dogmatic commitment to “not having the first fucking clue about anything, ever”. That shit takes skill. To be consistently wrong every time you express an opinion is not something a complete ignoramus could manage. Stabbing randomly at stuff would more or less guarantee that you occasionally get something right. These cunts perform way above chance. Let’s not give them too much credit though, it’s pretty straightforward once you realise the simple trick behind it: You simply start out believing things that are actually self-contradictory. Doesn’t much matter which direction you head from there does it?

Even if you get angry about Labour’s creeping privatisation of health and education, you trip over your tits and end up concluding that this is because of their commitment to Marxist ideology and a desire to destroy Britain FOREVER. After another ten minutes of fruitless, sweaty staggering through the space of “all impossible opinions” you’ve fallen in the metaphorical canal and accidentally swallowed a pint of poisonous water and a racist condom. By the time you crawl out you’re covered in a thick layer of slimy misogyny and are convinced that the government is colluding with the BBC to “dumb down Englishness” (whatever the squirmy fuck that might actually mean) as part of their plan to elect Sandi Toksvig as the new unelected Caliph of Europe. Makes sense when you think about it.

Does a politician’s class matter?

There are only two classes: workers and shirkers.

The Conservatives represent the former, and Labour the latter.

Unfortunately, these days, it seems that the latter are more numerous.
David Owen, Newport

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but the Tories have recently lurched to the right and are now all but indistinguishable from Labour (this happened yesterday while you were putting in an honest day’s toil down at t’open-plan hot-desking environment).

There might be a few peers left who’ll stick up for the common man. Apparently, despite his wealth and fame, Alan Sugar still dons a helmet and goes down his sugar-mine every day!

Thanks, Emma. Thanks a bunch.

Asa man I cannot understand why a man would want to hit a woman and despise the men that do.
Being Naive Re battered wives, why do they not leave or escape and why does the justice system not punish the evil men. I realise there are refuges for battered women and I admire them and hope they are funded, it’s a shame that they have to exist in today’s society.

May I suggest an alternative punishment instead of prison.
These are valliant men who want to fight but the silly little woman doesn’t want to play.
Give them the fight that they want, fights (bare hands as per life) could be arranged between the husbands etc and the local fighters in approved venues.
The opponent would have to be an uneven match as in bigger like the situations they like.
Any money raised would go to victims and refuges, the men get their release and sport and the women can see how it’s done and have no further contact.
I suspect Human Rights might get involved here but believe it could work.
Arkley Barnet, Still here

I used to love watching the bare-knuckle fighting down the community centre on Saturdays, which was always traditionally beatings night round here.

Course, some twat rang Human Rights, didn’t they? Fuckers come and closed it down, you know what they’re like, in their big purple van with their spotty uniforms and them scrolls they carry around with them.

So the husbands had to go back to valiantly beating their silly little women on Saturday nights, the local fighters were at a loose end again, running round causing trouble, and the women’s refuge just out of town gets repossessed and auctioned off – which was a real shame, because they’d just had a big refurb, conservatory, cable installed, water slide, all of that. The Misogynist Institute meets there now.

Minarets yawn…

What rubbish some of you lot write. What religious freedom do those christians living in Arab countries have? Are there churches where they can worship – no – not allowed. Get your facts right before you write drivel. At least the Swiss get a choice. Most Europeans have to put up with decisions of politicians for their own selfish ends. Why else was the UK denied a referendum on the Lisbon treaty, and the Irish gov’t forced by the EU to hold a 2nd referendum. Democracy is dead in Europe!
Adam Smith, London

I’m not entirely sure who Smith is addressing here. In observing Proper BBC Impartiality, the HYS moderators have naturally ignored anyone not rabidly in favour of the minaret ban and filled the entire thread with the same post over and over, as if William Burroughs did 500 cut-ups of the same BNP leaflet and expelled them like half-digested coackroaches from an ailing gut clogging up the oesophagus of the internet. In fact, I like to imagine that the average HYS post is nothing more than the stream-of-consciousness fingerdribble of a smacked-up fuckhead. It’s the only explanation that doesn’t hurl me screaming into a fit of existential despair.

I have just been ‘somewhat surprised’ to hear the BBC’s reporter’s comments about religious symbols that might be acceptable, pointing to the Christmas tree behind her. I beg rather strongly to differ, but the Christmas tree is NOT a ‘religious’ symbol in any way, shape or form; Yes, it has been adopted by western societies to be part of our Christmas tradition, but it is no more religious than the Christmas card, pudding or cracker! So, please, let’s not get minarets and trees in the same boat.
Jerome, Redhill

Unless it was, like, a fucking really big boat, of course, like a cruise liner or one of them ones that planes go on. Then it might be alright.

Well done the Swiss! At last a strong message is sent to all those Muslim extremists who think that people are too passive to oppose the takeover of their country. Until when for every mosque built in a christian country a church in a muslim country is allowed to be built, muslims should not take freedom of religion as granted. That might help them to understand the true meaning of sacrificing your own space in the name of tolerance!
Marco Furlan

Woof! Holding all Muslims responsible for the actions and infrastructures of all predominantly Muslim nations, from Bosnia and Herzegovina, through Iran to Indonesia… That kind of talk could make a man erect. Not me, though. I’m not an idiot.

Minarets and religion are just symptoms of a problem. Let’s face the facts. It is a natural instinct of humans to defend and preserve their racial background, culture and history. Anything perceived as a threat to those qualities is regarded by most as invasive and obnoxious, and so it has been throughout history. Man-made laws to eradicate so-called “racism” cannot change human inborn instinct.

So the Swiss vote should not surprise anybody. It’s the way we are made.
[Anglobert], Surrey, United Kingdom

Governing societies on base human instinct! It’s so simple! Why did no-one think of it before?

Can someone tell me – Are you allowed to build a Cathedral in Mecca?
Allan, Afghanistan

HA HA HA HA HA. No matter how many times you see this same clever point reiterated clever point reiterated clever point reiterated like a stuck CD player in Hell, it never stops being utterly fucking fascinating.

Mind, I haven’t checked for a few days, but I’m pretty sure Switzerland is still not a place of particular religious significance for Christians. Try building a mosque in the Vatican, Allan, see where that gets you. Shot, hopefully.

Instead of banning minarets and headscarfs Europeans should ban immigration from Muslim countries, then the issue of cultural transgression will be moot.Half measures will not save Europe, otherwise 50 years later you will have to fight a Reconquista Yugoslavian style or convert to to Islam.
Nick, New York

Believe me, I’ve tried – Lord, how I’ve tried! – but I just can’t think of a response to this that doesn’t invoke Godwin’s Law. Try it for yourself – it’s impossible!

I tire of hearing what Muslims are or are not. They are what they demonstrate themselves to be–if they don’t want to be known as a bunch of genocidal fanatics, perhaps they should alter their behavior. If Swiss voters don’t want their skylines to look like Baghdad, then they have a right to say so. Brits take note–you’re so intimidated that you won’t even sing carols or put up a Christmas tree for fear of offending the Muslims.
sim, CARLSBAD

Jesus… If anyone needs me, I’ll be sitting catatonic in the chair by the window.