spEak You're bRanes

Thanks to Samantha for finding this chap, who seems a little bitter about being dumped. I reckon he should count his blessings. At least he got his winkle wet once or twice. Chances of finding anyone stupid/desperate enough to let him have another go are minimal.

Ha! There’s no such thing as equality in the UK.

Split up from your partner? Got kids? You’re the father? Sorry, you have no rights to see them. You’re the mother? Feel free to use them as a pawn.

Are you an unemployed white British male? Sorry, we can’t help. You’ll have to scrounge the bins to survive. An unemployed ethnic minority immigrant who’s never worked in this country? Here’s a house. Take all these benefits too! Is there anything else you need, Sir?
[FubarBritain]

It’s a disgrace. I was down the pub the other night, right, and I heard about this one chap, from Africa I expect, who had only applied for a library card but the council sent him a set of free ear-muffs, a year’s supply of mango chutney, half-price cinema tickets, a lifetime subscription to Grazia, a voucher for a ride on a tiger, 14 different kinds of shoe, an apache gunship full of organic cider with a personalised number plate, a technicolor dreamcoat, a life peerage, some woolly mittens knitted by Eva fucking Perón, a 3-Megawatt mining laser and docking computer, a fart-grill, three french hens and a FUCKING CLOUD IN A JAR. A REAL LIVE FUCKING FLOATY CLOUD. In a jar.

Something about wearing pyjamas to the shops.

I fully support Tesco’s action. It is high time that all people learned to have and show respect for others and this is just one way to do it. This attitude should prevail in schools, workplaces, actually everywhere and maybe we would then see less ASBOs and cruelty.
Dani Bertschy, Poole, United Kingdom

Yeah, that ought to do it. The crime rate would plummet if everyone took the time to put on a pair of chinos and a smart jacket. I mean, when’s the last time someone well-dressed turned out to be a lying, corrupt, selfish, racist, warmongering, mass-murdering, money-grubbing, right honourable, power-crazed fuck?

I used to live in the Dunfermline area and had cause to speak to the management of Asda.
It was a warm summers day and a man came into the store to buy items for a barbeque, he was only wearing a pair of shorts, no shoes, no top. He was a very hairy and heavy chap and was leaning over open produce counters, I found this to be completely inappropriate. I am not a prude in any sense of the word but his state of undress was suitable for the back garden or the beach NOT A FOOD HALL
Anne-Marie, Stirling

I looked up “prude” in a few online dictionaries for you and found definitions as diverse as:

• a person excessively concerned about propriety and decorum
• a person who is easily shocked by rude things, especially those of a sexual type
• someone who is overly concerned with modest or proper conduct, speech, dress, or the like

… are you absolutely, completely, 100% positive you didn’t mean “prune”?

Thanks to my mate Nic for finding this one.

The Democratisation of Eastern Europe was part of my Peace Plan that I put to Mikhail Gorbachev in order to get the US interesed in an end to the Cold War. My Plan worked and we are still here, I find it insulting that people to this day say that it was people power that democratised Eastern Europe, I put a lot of work into my Plan.
Andrew Kadir-Buxton

Along with most of the rest of the internet, we’ve featured Kadir-Buxton before but, if you happened to miss that one, and you haven’t already encountered him yourself, you’re probably sitting there right now shaking your head and assuming that Andrew Kadir-Buxton must be taking the piss.

Rest assured, he’s not. He’s endearingly, genially mental. Completely and utterly hatstand. He believes he’s some kind of genius inventor who spends his time studying either mental illness or, for a bit of light relief, fannies. Once he’s had a good think about the subject’s fanny and/or illness, he comes up with a “solution”. The solution is always the same and involves slapping the poor fucker round the face.

I’m also fairly convinced that, whenever he’s not slapping someone or cheerily assaulting their growler, he’s watching the news and failing to distinguish between “things that happened somewhere in the world today” and “things that Andrew Kadir-Buxton accomplished today”.

What I love about him is that, unlike the rest of the miserable, turdy croutons floating in the HYS battysoup, he actually seems really happy. I guess I would be too if my entire world, replete with fannies, cancer cures and face-slapping, was rendered in glorious Dobly five-point-wonkavision.

Anyway. Make sure you’ve got a half hour spare, make yourself a cuppa or something and head over to http://www.kadir-buxton.com for a bit of whirly-brained incomprehensibasket.

WARNING: Although the “K-B Fertility Treatment” page is highly amusing in places, it’s pretty fucking hard work and gave me an awful pain in my fallopian tubes. I’ve gone cross-legged again just thinking about it.

Something about the economy or something.

For heaven’s sake, BBC, stop peddling the ‘recession over’ line and talking about our economic problems as if they were in the past. This is all part of the Clown/Starling conspiracy to try to make us feel better before the election, whereas those of us who live in the real world know only too well that our problems are far from over. We won’t even be making a start on the road to recovery until 7th May; until then, please stop your government-driven propaganda.

Douglas Lee, London

Starling? Who the fucking cock is fucking Starling? Is it some kind of sideways reference to Josef Stalin, Soviet leader 1878-1953, but with an ‘r’ and a ‘g’ jammed in there so it’s an entirely different word? Is it the bird? I don’t know that much about birds. Are starlings like magpies, but for taxes instead of shiny stuff? Are they notorious as the absolute worst bird at overseeing a national economy? Or is it, as I suspect, that tedious moron Douglas Lee is physically incapable of either calling a politician by their real name or thinking up an even slightly witty substitute for ‘Darling’?

I’m just fed up with this. I sometimes assume Harriet’s surname means ‘son of Harper’ before realising that if that actually was her name I wouldn’t ever get to read it. Every time I summon up the masocourage to look at a right-wing blog and see if I’ve not been wrong all along, I have to waste twenty minutes of my precious life ploughing through the sixty-two latest hilarious incarnations of Comrade (Has-)Bean Jocksky Bottler McLeonidBrezhnev Tartantits One-Eyed Idiot Barry “Bagpipe” Soetero Haggisface until I finally get to some lazy variation on “McBroon” and work out it must be the Prime Minister.

Though I suppose they’re just as stumped when they read ‘Gordon Brown’.

We get occasional tips about The Register. If you don’t know it, think of it as being like Private Eye for the IT industry. There’s lots of worthy stuff about things that absolutely no-one could care about after the discovery of the opposite sex, but they sprinkle funny stuff around it to keep you reading.

Here’s a recent example. In brief, an Australian man has admitted to drunkenly inserting the line

DD Cup breasts, slim waist, tight twat

into the requirements of a job advertisement. He owned up to it and apologised, the ad was fixed and his boss decided to leave it at that, saying:

he got on the turps one night and it went from there. He fully understands what he has done and he’s very remorseful.

What a wonderful display of the Aussie sense of pragmatism. Wouldn’t you agree, intelligent IT professionals who like humour?

Sanity Prevails!
Good to see they saw the funny side.. And take the right attitude (nobody hurt, so it’s all good).. This, in the good ol’ days used to be called “Mischief.”. And mischief has always been seen as a great way to vent stresses and woes in a harmless way..

Yet here in the UK, this would probably have been enough to have the bloke locked away and on every database in sight, with a permanent Social Services tail to make sure he follows the party line.

Come back the days of sanity and mischief!

Juillen 1

He comes out of the traps well, straight into a nice patronising explanation of exactly what you just read in the story, but just as he’s getting into his stride whining about a situation that only exists in his head, he goes and balls it all up by ending short on a positive note. Can anyone take the ball and run with it?

Imagine if that happened in Britain
It’s nice to see this man’s boss didn’t take any action against him for posting that advert, or the Australian police didn’t arrest him, a government minister didn’t get involved, or random members of the public didn’t try to sue him for being sexist.

All of the above would no doubt take place if such a “mistake” was made in Britain.

Gary F

Gary F picks up the cross and involves both the government and the general public in a lovely little rhetorical shimmy, has a nice miserablist finish, but he just can’t put it away. Who’s in the box?

Brilliant!
no, not the planker who did it, the whole Aussie attitude!

“oops, sorry, I was pissed”. “OK, never mind, we understand”.

Compare that to what would happen here “oops sorry, I was pissed”. “Constable, add ‘using a computer while under the influence of drink or drugs’ to the charges of sexism, using offensive language in a pulic, erm, publication, and assaulting a police officer…” “But I haven’t assaul OWWWW!” “…and damaging a police table with his head. Sign this”. “What is OWWWWW!” “The sex offenders register”
Ian 54

AND HE’S DONE IT! An absolutely virtuoso display of misanthropy there from Ian 54. He’s on the end of Gary F’s lob, chesting it down with immediate disapproval of the “planker” in the story, and then dodges the defenders by showing a glimmer of appreciation for the Aussie attitude, but it’s all a feint! The approval’s only there so he can swivel on the eighteen-yard line and slam it home with a fever dream stitch-up straight from the depths of his imagination, with an assist from a decades-old episode of Not The Nine O’Clock News. What a dream goal’s come to him like a meteorite from a gift horse’s mouth. I mean, you literally could not make that up. Alan?

Thanks to Mark for this one.

Sometimes, its hard to make sense of world events. What chance of impartial analysis when the same bunch of red-faced gout-sufferers own the government, the supermarkets and the newspapers? How do you know that the uncle of the proprietor of the rag you’re reading isn’t the brother-in-law of the woman who just bought Klumpyschitz Logistics GmbH from Herr Wotsisface for thrumpty million Peruvian florins?

So, now we hear that Cadbobbly is being bought by Kraftycheeses, what effect is this going to have on you? Where do you turn for insight and analysis? That’s right, you turn to the web-gnomes of Have Your Say.

Is the Cadbury deal sweet enough?

This COULD explain why a compaint I made about finding a “foreign body” in a tin of Cadburys Hot Chocolate was not taken up by North Lanark`s Environmental Health nor any reply received to the photos I sent by e-mail to Cadbury just the other day ?

Obviously North Lanark Council bowed to pressure put on them not to cause any trouble during negotians and Cadbury have been too busy with other things to reply , maybe just leave it to Kraft ?
[tomfer]

Yeah, give em a chance. Things are pretty mental this week. Poor Mr. Cadbury’s been desperately negotiating TUPE shit with the Oompa-Loompas and trying to find someone to feed the Cadbury’s Creme Hens. He’s barely had time to stir the chocolate machine, let alone open his post.

Thanks to Ellie for finding Diamantina over at the Guardian where they’re debating whether or not animals have souls. Yep.

Diamantina is no Christian fundamentalist. She’s open to all kinds of ideas and believes in evolution. She certainly doesn’t believe the bible is literally true! Nope. Diamantina carefully works things out.

I was under the impression (possibly incorrect) that although individual animals have souls, those souls die with them. Nevertheless, there will probably be pets in Heaven, but how this happens, I do not know. I suppose that there is a Platonic ideal of cat-ness or dog-ness that those cats and dogs in Heaven will share — but what about those religious believers who mourn particular dogs and cats and other pets? Somehow I think they would not be completely satisfied with the Platonic ideal of a dog if they wanted a particular dog with its own temperament and quirks.
Diamantina

You heard it here first peeps. There will probably be pets in Heaven. Don’t expect them to be exactly the same as they were down here though! Hahahah! That’d be fucking stupid. You thought there’d be normal dogs in heaven? HAHAHAHA! You massive twat. Of course they won’t be normal! The very idea! Deary me, no. The dogs in Heaven will be placid, homogenous pooches, much closer to the platonic ideal of a dog than we’re used to down here on earth!

See?

Thanks to Duck (Scary) who was navigating the Carnival of Indignant Windy Bell-ends when he found this one. It’s about a carer (Jane Hoy) stealing money from her disabled client (Lorraine Andrews).

You are with cruel robbers on par;
Should disabled be you’re prey?
Two faced Hoy how cruel you are;
Look! your palms how mucked are they.

When high trust is reposed on you,
What made you to filch from her;
How cruel of you to bid adieu
To conscience, and become a cur.

When helpless Lorraine found you
Stealing money from her purse,
Wondered should carer pursue
Mean acts which invite curse.

But for the key witness- the CCTV,
Who could’ve controlled your spree?
- T.Nandakumar, Chennai, India, 18/1/2010 12:04

Recommended by 62 indignant windy bell-ends.

Thanks to Glenn.

I am a white, anglo-saxon MARRIED male with a white nordic wife & children – all my OWN children to my ONE wife, each fluent in 3 languages (English being the first & foremost), all educated, qualified, employed, & paying tax.

We are now the minority and are disadvantaged courtesy of this Gov and their regressive social engineering.

If we took our case to court we’d be laughed at! When can I get my grant? Are we supposed to accept racial, class, caste & religious slurs without recourse?

[Fly_n_finn]

Oh come now [Fly_n_finn]. You don’t have to go all the way to court to be laughed at.

Thanks to Magnus. I’m sure you all were as shocked as I was to see the horrific images of death and destruction in Haiti; the collapsed shanty towns, a product of grinding poverty unable to withstand the awesome power of nature; the feeling of impotence in the face of such terrible suffering that we can do nothing to relieve, except dig a little into our pockets and watch the carnage unfold on our TV screens. Thank God someone has a way to apply their own skills to the situation.

Patriot8384
Figure out a way to allow me to carry my arsenal with me to Haiti and i will gladly stand over the doctors and nurses to make sure they are safe while they help as many as possible. Its so easy to sit in your nice warm house and parade around like you have an idea of what they are going through but get chased around your job by a guy with a machette or an Ak-47 and let me know how willing you will be to work overtime the next day. To anyone reading this and anyone willing to Stand by my side i say lets go and protect people so the Medical response can be swift and decisive. But i wont be a victim so i REQUIRE i be allowed to bring weapons and ammunition to do the job right. The military can only do so much. This situation needs dedicated personel just for the security of these doctors. I have all the faith in the world in the Military but i know realistically they have a job to do as well.

Dear Jim’ll,

Please can you fix it so I can shoot some black people? I have LOTS OF GUNS and I am willing to do it for charity.

Yours Sincerely,

Patriot8384