Plain Weird and The Regular Twats01 Jan 2010 11:20 am
By Kelvin

We’ve already showcased some of the more hysterical, racist and impractical suggestions for “improving” airport “security”, but what do the pants-pooing mentals think? Here’s our old chum Stephen Dawson to speak for them.

Paper-panties, cloth-gowns & slippers available TODAY in hospitals; removing ALL clothes [returned post-landing] with intimate body-search inevitable ‘price-worth-paying’

NO hand-luggage, duty-free should be allowed in the passenger-cabin; those willing to-die on-board should NOT be confused with the IRA…

Cargo-luggage should be treated as freight; collected & moved to ‘bonded-ware-house’ for examination weeks, if not months, before EVERY flight.

HomelandSecDB…; choice-of-one.
Stephen Dawson, Manchester, United Kingdom
RECOMMENDED BY: 4 people

Four people? FOUR PEOPLE? Four people, you are wasting your time on HYS if you can decode this into a statement that can be agreed or disagreed with. You need to be at GCHQ monitoring terrorist chatter. Four people, in a very real sense, Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab made it onto that plane because of YOU.

(Also, every plane to have designated “grumble seats” where Stephen Dawson can sit in his paper panties thinking about Summer Glau.)

60 Responses to “Paper-Panties, Intimate Body Searches (Not Wanking)”

  1. on 01 Jan 2010 at 11:39 am funny peculiar

    Paper-panties, cloth-gowns & slippers available TODAY in hospitals

    These offers won’t last! Hurry! Hurry! Hurry!

  2. on 01 Jan 2010 at 11:52 am random punter

    Methinks that those four who did the recommending of Stephen’s post are seeing job opportunities in the “conducting intimate body searches on those they pick out of the check-in queue” industry, and then compiling photographic records of the best ones to share with each other.

    “Look – a damp-patch on the paper panties…… hang on a minute……. I’ll be right back”.

  3. on 01 Jan 2010 at 11:52 am Ceannair

    those willing to-die on-board should NOT be confused with the IRA…

    Eh ??

    Is-he-saying that the IRA don’t want to die ?

    Personally I’ve always thought that the reusable bomber was much more cost-effective than a suicide chap.

    Like cotton nappies v. disposables.

    We’re saving the planet one bomb at a time!!

  4. on 01 Jan 2010 at 11:58 am Pierre De La Resistance

    Stephen Dawson is a brilliant loonbomb. His posts are ntohing but a free range stream of conciousness and gibbering.

    DEBATE:What is the point of Boxing Day?SENT:26-Dec-2009 14:02COMMENT:demand free range eggs! Hypocracy, like jealousy, is not an attractive human characteristic.

    [Richkw], Canterbury, United Kingdom

    20+ storey ‘greenhouses’ may easily accomodate cattle, chickens, pigs… on lower-floors; steel-&-glass address food-shortfall, methane-capture…

    Technology saves-lives; people WILL encourage foxes, badgers… into domestic-areas

    Animals have rights too; they may even save YOURS through use of ‘waste’ akin penacilin [mold]
    Click to view comment RECOMMENDED BY:1 person

  5. on 01 Jan 2010 at 12:12 pm Mesostim

    Is it that thing about suicide bombers all being coward… so the nice “plant a bomb and run away” type of bombing the IRA took part in must be quite heroic and bold in comparison and shouldn’t be confused with the forruns… or something??

  6. on 01 Jan 2010 at 12:37 pm ad homonym

    Punter: Flight to Malaga please.

    Travel Agent: Will that be IRA or willing to die on board, sir?

    Punter: I am Stephen Dawson.

    Travel Agent: Of course, the grumble seats! Here is your ticket Mr Dawson. Check-in is 3 months ago.

    Punter: I will send terminatrix sweet SummerGlau back to do it.

    Travel Agent: OK. Will there be anything else?

    Punter: Do I get my panties now?

  7. on 01 Jan 2010 at 1:13 pm Schroduck

    Come on now, Stephen Dawson doesn’t wank over Summer Glau, what a ridiculous idea.

    Do you like Christmas songs?

    Soon be ‘Auld Lang Syne’ prefere Zooey Deschannel [Elf] though asian ‘girl’ Waterloo Road a reasonable-second.

  8. on 01 Jan 2010 at 1:16 pm Jones

    20+ storey ‘greenhouses’ may easily accomodate cattle, chickens, pigs… on lower-floors; steel-&-glass address food-shortfall, methane-capture…

    There’s always someone who takes Brass Eye too seriously.

  9. on 01 Jan 2010 at 2:38 pm ad homonym

    Don’t know whether to be more disturbed by him thinking that livestock is grown in greenhouses, or by his use of scare quotes around the word ‘girl’. Is she only nominally a girl because she is Asian or because she is a road?

  10. on 01 Jan 2010 at 3:18 pm Kelvin

    Shamefully, I think I understand that part of what he said. He might be referring to a speculative article from New Scientist a few years back called Ecopolis Now which examines positive ways that city planning could contribute to feeding the population and tightening the loops around issues like food miles.

    Or he might be talking about a film he once saw that had a fit bird in it.

  11. on 01 Jan 2010 at 3:21 pm Fish

    Oooo, that’s better, a proper wankhead.

    BBC & other ‘independent’ news-services are shackled to the government of the day; are you not curious both Sky & the BBC feature identicle ‘stories’?

    Strange that. Some bloke tries to blow up a transatlantic airplane and all the major news networks have it as their top story, completely ignoring the Hot Topic of whether Dawson is wanking over Twiggy or not.

  12. on 01 Jan 2010 at 3:26 pm Fish

    Ah, I’ve got it now. From an October credit crunch thread;

    Teen, 20-something ‘girls’ SHOULD seriously-consider emigration & or marriage to a considerably-older & wealthy bloke.

    Hint, hint.

  13. on 01 Jan 2010 at 5:41 pm Lady

    Washing, showering, clean-clothes… are part of the MATING-RITUAL

    That must have been an uncomfortable relationship with his mother

  14. on 01 Jan 2010 at 6:30 pm Any Rand will do

    The man has a bizarre obsession with the weather. Fair enough when that is the topic:
    How are you coping with the weather?

    Easily-resolved by forcing local-authorities meet legal-obligation keep ALL roads & sidewalks clear of snow-&-ice; pedestrians, insurers, local-stores SHOULD sue for criminal-damages.

    Stephen Dawson, Manchester, United Kingdom

    Recommended by 3 people

    But he seems willing to bring it in to any discussion:

    Would you watch an election debate between the main UK party leaders?

    Today we could focus on infrastructure & transport; Germans are legally-required to use Winter-tyres [grip-the-roads with studs...], sadly our potholed unmaintained roads will NOT survive

    Winter-tyres require motorist… buy a second-set [wheels-&-tyres] hence supplier subject to punitive-penalties ripping-off

    Stephen Dawson, Manchester, United Kingdom

    Recommended by 1 person

    And I mean any discussion:
    What is your reaction to Iran’s nuclear weapons denial?

    Brown… have no-concept as to war; Iranian missile-silos are certain to be eliminated long-before they launch against Israel, UK, USA…

    SNOW is UKs REAL-threat.

    Stephen Dawson, Manchester, United Kingdom

    Recommended by 0 people

    How does he find the intellectual focus to keep breathing?

  15. on 01 Jan 2010 at 7:12 pm That Bloke in the corner

    Cargo-luggage should be treated as freight; collected & moved to ‘bonded-ware-house’ for examination

    As should Stephen Dawson

  16. on 01 Jan 2010 at 8:10 pm Ed aka Ghost of Cuger-Jaggar, PhD

    @That Bloke in the corner

    Cargo-luggage should be treated as freight; collected & moved to ‘bonded-ware-house’ for examination

    As should Stephen Dawson

    After all, if he likes bonded-ware-house-s so much…

  17. on 01 Jan 2010 at 8:39 pm Thatcher's Onanism

    Argh! The way Mr. Dawson uses hyphens/ dashes/ whatever is seriously making me want to die.

    What a certified-clam’s-clunge.

  18. on 01 Jan 2010 at 9:13 pm Dawn

    [blockquotes] Personally I’ve always thought that the reusable bomber was much more cost-effective than a suicide chap.[/blockquotes]

    well, not when you factor in the double time for anniversaries, the air miles and the insurance. For a dirty job the temps are always best…

  19. on 01 Jan 2010 at 9:14 pm Dawn

    fucking blockquotes fail.

  20. on 01 Jan 2010 at 11:06 pm funny peculiar

    those willing to-die on-board should NOT be confused with the IRA…

    A very easy mistake and I sympathise. We all have learned mistakes. For example, when My Better Half is trying to direct my driving she’ll say, “Right at the next lights.”
    and, cos I know her, I’ll say, “Your right or my right.”
    and she’ll say, “err… my right”
    and I’ll turn left because we have learned and adjusted to her hard-wired confusion like mature adults.

    In the same tolerant vein, when I’m hurling abuse at my foreign neighbours and I’m caught up in an orgasmic torrent of self-righteous ranting, I’ll often scream, “You Fenian Cunts! Your Gerry fucking Adams and all his IR fucking A can kiss my British arse!”

    and, cos they know me, they’ll say, “Err… is that your IRA or our IRA?”
    and I’ll say, “err… My IRA.”

    and then they’ll threaten to put a fully-loaded passenger jet under my house.

  21. on 01 Jan 2010 at 11:30 pm marimo

    I like to read Stephen’s posts in a broken computer out of Star Trek voice.

    I wonder if he speaks like he types?

  22. on 02 Jan 2010 at 12:00 am Ed aka Ghost of Cuger-Jaggar, PhD

    Close. I think all the – unnecessary-hyphenation, is because he’s actually doing a Captain Kirk impression.

  23. on 02 Jan 2010 at 6:25 am czardas

    RECOMMENDED BY: 4 people; 1 person, 0 people, 3 people

    Are they the SAME people ? Maybe even ‘girls’?

    Do they ALL like wearing paper-panties; ‘bonded warehouses’ and MATING RITUALS ?
    Choice-of-four

  24. on 02 Jan 2010 at 6:12 pm random punter

    Catherine Oliver appears to have a new nom-de-plume, bless her.

    From the Dr Who discussion:

    Added: Saturday, 2 January, 2010, 17:03 GMT 17:03 UK
    I have never seen Dr Who so I am unbiased regarding the good the bad, the ugly and the gays.

    I do know people who liked the programme from way back and they seem to still like it so those who do not should perhaps move on?

    [ATrueblueOne]

    Recommended by 1 person

  25. on 02 Jan 2010 at 7:41 pm Catherine isn´t blue surely

    Catherine Oliver appears to have a new nom-de-plume, bless her.

    Is there any actual evidence for that really or is it just an HYS style yawning leap of the imagination (and was it yawning before you got there?)

  26. on 02 Jan 2010 at 8:34 pm random punter

    It’s the latter. I was attempting an ironic reference primarily to the first sentence of ‘blue’s post, but also to the post as a whole. I appear to have failed. I shall now go and defenestrate myself as a penance.

  27. on 02 Jan 2010 at 10:48 pm Tim nice but dim

    YAWN!

    [zen_reality]

    YAWZzzzzzzzz

    I am spEak You’re bRanes, London

    You are NOT speak your branes, Nelson is.

    john Adair, Hull

    A novel little interchange occuring on the Reactively moderated Doctor Who HYS.

  28. on 02 Jan 2010 at 11:26 pm Mal

    Ah, the Dr. Who thread

    Yes I’m cynical, yes it may be hypocritical adding a comment on such an innane subject, and yes I probably have too much spare time – certainly nothing on telly to occupy me. But then I do pay the licence fee and have every month since I last actually switched the TV on to watch something specific – about 5 years ago.

    [Eofric], Bath, United Kingdom

    He also buys condoms every month too.

  29. on 02 Jan 2010 at 11:45 pm Mal

    The gift that keeps on giving.

    HO HO HO!!!!!!!

    Farside Alien, Dark Side Of The Moon

    No, posted on the only HYS that will not censor it ie Reactive!

    PS, dont use Pink Floyd album titles as an address, it’s copyright.

    pete tong

    Animals© anuses like Pete will be first against the wall© come the revolution.

  30. on 02 Jan 2010 at 11:46 pm Mal

    Damn, superscript fail.

  31. on 03 Jan 2010 at 1:05 am Jesus Chris

    Fly with Air Dawson. We care more about your life and less about actually getting you to your destination. Also, we’ll keep your stuff for months before you fly, so you don’t get to use it. And don’t worry, if that means we’ve now got all your clothes, paper-panties, cloth-gowns & slippers available TODAY in hospitals.

    Mental hospitals.

  32. on 03 Jan 2010 at 1:10 am Tim nice but dim

    I watched it and it was OK.
    But this is a NEWS website not gossip.
    The BBC have a Points Of View website where you can talk all day about TV.
    This is the News website so can we talk about News please?
    This website gets more and more like the Daily Star every day.

    That would be Telling,

    Google “the protocols of the elders of zion” and you will understand why. The establishment needs a dunbed down population so they can work us to death and fleece us dry.
    We are sheeple.

    [Liberal_left_bias]

    A dunbed down population indeed, must be zionist code for something sinister.

  33. on 03 Jan 2010 at 1:12 am Tim nice but dim

    blockquote failure

    They used to work?

  34. on 03 Jan 2010 at 1:31 am Jesus Chris

    You have to remember

    to close your blockquote tags

    or you’ll find that they’ll end up all nested and horrible

    like

    this.

  35. on 03 Jan 2010 at 1:32 am Jesus Chris

    It’s like having your face raped by sudo HTML.

  36. on 03 Jan 2010 at 9:05 am Every time you blah a message, Rush Limbaugh starts to recover.

    Psuedo or Sumo? Cos the image of a Fat Japanese man… Oh I digress.

  37. on 03 Jan 2010 at 12:15 pm Bit Special AKA La Spesh

    Is ‘pseudo’ the word everyone’s after?

  38. on 03 Jan 2010 at 12:34 pm Sheepless

    [blockquote]Google “the protocols of the elders of zion” and you will understand why.[/blockquote]

    Whut? HYS is a giant hoax, and only morons still believe it’s real?

    Gah, they really believe HYS matters, don’t they?

  39. on 03 Jan 2010 at 12:35 pm Sheepless

    My first fail of the year! Result!

  40. on 03 Jan 2010 at 12:49 pm quadraphic egaution

    “Tim nice but dim”‘s quote from Liberal_left_bias got me looking at more of (BNP gobshite) Liberal’s efforts in HYS, and I found the following under How can we stop rising unemployment?

    Try educating our young to a decent standard instead of trining them to pass exams that require no real knowledge.
    I was speaking to a lad the other day who had an A level in maths, yet could not explain what a quadraphic egaution was and had never even heard of calculus.

  41. on 03 Jan 2010 at 1:17 pm Walter Kovaks

    Hrm… Can’t read words without them sounding like Rorschach’s…. Must investigate.

  42. on 03 Jan 2010 at 1:21 pm Kelvin

    I was speaking to a lad the other day who had an A level in maths, yet could not explain what a quadraphic egaution was and had never even heard of calculus.

    That’s curious, because quadratic equations are on the GCSE syllabus and the A-Level syllabus is almost entirely calculus and its related tools. I’d say this “lad” was completely made up to prove an unprovable point, but that wouldn’t be like Liberal_left_bias’ normal MO at all.

  43. on 03 Jan 2010 at 2:54 pm Fish

    *insert Tintin reference*

  44. on 03 Jan 2010 at 8:11 pm Mal the Younger

    So, this old bloke starts on at me about explaining ‘quadraphic’ equations. I told him I didn’t have a fucking clue to get him to fuck off and that it would be £10 for the handjob.

  45. on 03 Jan 2010 at 8:42 pm Ed aka Ghost of Cuger-Jaggar, PhD

    Calcumus is part of the Zionist conspiracy! Britain awake!

  46. on 03 Jan 2010 at 11:04 pm feral teenager

    You’re right about the calculus for gcse, and very boring it is too. I nearly went off into a rant about uselessness of the whole thing, before realising how like some of the HYS goons i might sound.

  47. on 03 Jan 2010 at 11:11 pm Mal

    Algebra was invented by brown-skinned forruns anyway, the indigenous population of England(not Europe) should have nothing to do with it.

  48. on 03 Jan 2010 at 11:37 pm funny peculiar

    Talking of equations, here’s a couple of algorithms for beating pesky tea-towel heads, HYS-style.

    Equation to reduce extremism is:

    Close the borders to Moslem immigrants and No purchase of oil=No funds feeding extremism=Stay in the medieval ages in YOUR countries NOT ours!

    Unfortunately the equation is:

    Oil dependant MNCs and businesses sabotage non-oil alternate energy development thru bought and paid for Western legislators+ Western arms industries offer to solve the problems militarily (eyes on $$$’s) with the only costs being flag draped coffins with a few bugles being sounded!!

    Posted By: Just A Comment, Here & There and Now & Then

    Recommended by 34 people

    X = the amount of bullshit in an HYS post.
    Y = the number of HYS recommendations.
    Their relationship can be expressed as X = 4.75Y.
    Plot a graph of this relationship on the graph-paper provided. If a post contains 14.35 Bullshits, how many votes will it receive? (6 marks) (GCSE Maths, Paper 1, Cambridge, 2005)

  49. on 04 Jan 2010 at 12:07 am Jesus Chris

    Bit Special AKA La Spesh

    Is ‘pseudo’ the word everyone’s after?

    I don’t know, ask Vincent van Dicksplash.

  50. on 04 Jan 2010 at 12:54 am ad homonym

    @quadraphic egaution

    HA HA HA.

  51. on 04 Jan 2010 at 12:57 am Mal

    @funny peculiar

    Write on one side of the paper only, preferably the outside.

  52. on 04 Jan 2010 at 8:01 am Paul-san

    On a blog about whether Avatar is racist:

    http://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/thereporters/markmardell/2010/01/is_blue_the_new_black_why_some.html#P90494685

    I don’t know whether the West Coast is (still) magic.

    But planet Yemen is definitely not.

    And alien agressors will be eventually defeated by the blue people from the red states.

  53. on 04 Jan 2010 at 9:45 am anon

    Both algebra and algorithms are not just forun, they are arabic, i.e. muslim and have no place in christian math. We should also immediately stop using arabic numerals. Obviously this would have some effect on flight schedules and all the departure boards would need to be changed – unless they are ‘electronic’ in which case they can be reprogrammed to show the departures in ENGLISH. All planes should also taxi to their destinations as a security procedure which would allow people to jump out if there was a bomb (not IRA) on board. No planes should taxi in areas where badgers live.

  54. on 04 Jan 2010 at 12:04 pm Isaac Newton

    I nearly went off into a rant about uselessness of the whole thing, before realising how like some of the HYS goons i might sound.

    ..and you’d have received a good slapping from me (not to mention any engineers around here), seeing as how it’s my birthday and that..

  55. on 04 Jan 2010 at 12:15 pm Oafo

    Some bloke tries to blow up a transatlantic airplane

    That’s aeroplane.

  56. on 04 Jan 2010 at 12:15 pm Oaf

    And I am Oaf, not Oafo!

  57. on 04 Jan 2010 at 3:40 pm Ugly Newt

    Four people? FOUR PEOPLE?

    They all must have decided that, far from being a paranoid parakeet’s part who shouldn’t be left to play with hyphens unsupervised, Dawson was implying that these steps are the sort of thing that The PC Police/Liberal Mafia/Health-and-Safety Division will be bringing in next, and wished it to be known that they Got the Joke.

    They can’t have mistaken it for a genuine Common Sense idea, because the proposal doesn’t make life considerably harder only for groups of people that don’t include typical HYS posters.

  58. on 04 Jan 2010 at 5:28 pm Kelvin

    GET BACK TO CHELTENHAM AND SAVE US FROM ALL THE TERROR!

  59. on 06 Jan 2010 at 6:36 pm KJB

    I think this may be the Asian ‘girl’ that Dawson was referring to?

    http://www.waterlooroad.co.uk/characters/jasmine.html

    No offense to Stephen Hawking, but in my head I hear the Dawson’s post in his ‘voice’.Someone referred to him as the spambot of the future – amen!

  60. on 06 Jan 2010 at 6:37 pm KJB

    That should be ‘posts.’ Also, spacing fail.