Where Do Yellow Stains Come From?
By AlexThanks to Nikki. Martin from Ashford has some novel answers to all a child’s difficult questions.
11. What happens when we die? A The Labour government takes all your money
12. What is a prime number? A Any number the Prime Minister thinks of to lie about the debt
13. Is god real? A No, because if SHE were, Hattie Harman would be a good driver
14. What makes thunder? A Normally Gordon Brown throwing a printer across the office
15. Why do you blink? A Because it’s hard to believe Gordon Brown is still in a job
16. Where do babies come from? A Cheap lager + a free house + benefits = baby
17. How do planes fly in the sky? A Al Qaeda keep asking the same question
18. What is time? A What we do when we’re not flogging our guts out to pay Gordon Brown’s taxes
19. How does Father Christmas get down the chimney? A there’s no such person, just a skinny kid thieving your DVD player
20. Where does water come from? A According to the BBC from global warming.Martin, Ashford
It looks like the idea is that, instead of actually thinking and giving useful information, you just make up a bunch of incoherent wank based on your own half-baked opinions and the very little you actually know about anything at all. I felt like helping so I’ve done the same with questions one to ten.
1. How is electricity made? A Martin from Ashford just had a accident.
2. What are black holes? A Martin from Ashford just had a accident.
3. What is infinity? A Martin from Ashford just had a accident.
4. Why is the sky blue? A Martin from Ashford just had a accident.
5. Why do we have a leap year? A Martin from Ashford just had a accident.
6. How do birds fly? A Martin from Ashford just had a accident.
7. Why do onions make you cry? A Martin from Ashford just had a accident.
8. Where does wind come from? A Martin from Ashford just had a accident.
9. Why is the sea salty? A Martin from Ashford just had a accident.
10. How big is the world? A Quite big. Martin from Ashford just had a accident.
81 Responses to “Where Do Yellow Stains Come From?”
Second!
Damn!
The man has a NuLiabore obsession. Why is it that these twatbaskets complain so much about the government but never do anything about it, like stand for election themselves, sorry,I am forgetting, these people are so socially inept that they believe ranting at their computer screen actually makes a difference and that the BBC are listening to them.Still, they are entertaining in a Victorian sideshow type of way.
definitley second-how dare you steal my thunder fp
That’s right Kath – if you’ve got it, flaunt it. And it doesn’t matter if the “it” in question is bucketloads of ignorance, either.
Now, if that was on a blog, it’d be proper Science, with Facts and Everything and therefore true.
Anybody who said “you’re channeling the Dail Heil and are therefore have a penis the size of an underendowed gorilla” could be countered with “It’s on a blog, so it’s proper Science. With Facts and Everything, so it’s True.”
I’d like to see the politically correct Gore-lovers answer that.
Sir, sir, I have a question: Why does Martin from Ashford labour under the delusion that he is witty?
What a stunted salamander’s scrotum.
I was typing in the answers but the intertubes et them.
As a proficient interwebs user Martin, I suggest you Google the question, I think you might find that you are doing it wrong.
Yeah, Einstein, I tried that too. Still got sacked for persistent lateness though.
You’re one of these people that phones up the Oxford physics department to tell them you’ve cracked science, aren’t you?
I’d like to know why he skipped questions 1-10. It’s not as if his twisted, tiny mind would be unable to shoehorn shite into “answers” for them, eg: “Why do onions make you cry? A: Because when God made them, SHE anticipated that six thousand years* later we’d have a Labour government.”
* Yeah, I know, I’m assuming Martin to be an avid creationist, which is logically a fallacy [being one kind of idiot doesn't make you another kind of even more idiotic idiot], but it seems to kind of fit the MO.
And you thought that the Metric Martyrs were just an annoying bunch of fucktards but no, they’re trying to destroy the universe. Their fiendish scheme is that using different ways to measure distance, temperature and mass will render them unreal and poof! the universe and everything that surrounds it will vanish.
They must be stopped.
He’s right, I moved my alarm clock under the pillow this morning and guess what? That’s right, time did not exist, and then I was late for work,but did the MAN believe me, did he fuck!
It’s a conspiracy so they can tax every fourth second blah blah ohfuckit…
Q. Where does the wind come from?
A. Wind is made by trees waving their branches about. Stands to reason.
(@ That scowling Bloke in the Corner. Has it been done already? Mi scusi, mi scusi, mea culpa, mea molta culpa etc.)
Hattie?
Who the fuck calls her that?
Or is he just imagining her dressed as an overbearing Matron figure?
You might be being unfair to Martin from Ashford. He might have a genuine Daily Heil-informed animist worldview, and be unable to conceive that the Prime Minister doesn’t control the weather like some sort of doughy Scottish Jupiter.
Their trickster god wears a hoodie, and convinces forrins to steal our pensions.
I’ve thought about this too much.
I’m unaccountably confident that Martin from Ashford is, in fact, a leading social commentator from Biased BBC, some of whose output can be found in an hilariously repurposed form here
You guys are probably forgetting that to Paul, time really is nonsense because he doesn’t have to be anywhere (except the dole office first thing Tuesday) or do anything (except sign his name). And they just let him turn up late anyway.
So yeah, fuck time. Except bed time. That’s important.
Nah – I didn’t see one reference to “turds”, “beeboids”, derogatory references to gay people or any latent homosexuality in that post. Unless, of course, he got those out of the way in the first part of a two part post, and the Heil’s mods rejected it.
If the answer to “Why do you blink?” was “Because I’m a faggy beeboid who’s just taken a snort of coke after sucking on some Muzzie cock”, then I’d believe it was the same Martin. As it stands, “Martin from Ashford” is Oscar Wilde compared with Biased BBC’s “Martin from Psychiatric Outpatient”.
talking of whom: NELSON!, are there many complaint logs moaning that the bbc are giving snowfall in forrun centimetres rather than good old ENGLISH (Not British) feet and inches?
I’m trying to imagine =Dennis Junior=’s answers to these questions. Perhaps it would be something like this:
I imagine him giving these answers in a refreshingly quiet, almost meek tone of voice, a refreshing change to the sneering/shouting you usually hear
@fp, apology accepted, just got a bit narked with you number 1 chaps trying to steal our mediocre second place.Still doesn’t detract from the FACT that Martin from Ashford is a big bullocks bollock though
@Kelvin, if only it was true…sigh…
Thanks Kelvin. I’ve now got a wife’s-eye view of Martin, Ashford in my head, yelling “WHAT ABOUT OUR GOLD RESERVES?” at the point of orgasm. Thanks.
and now i have an image of GordonBroon’s lifeless glassy eye staring at me during his vinegar strokes.
damn you, damn you all to hell.
Yellow salins ? What yellow Stalins ?? And, yes, where do yellow Stalins come from ?
I comment would make more sense if I could sell “Stalins” correctly.
In fact if I could “spell Salins” correctly.
My comment. My comment. My comment. Dammit.
I love how many of the comments of the article have turned into pure theism-bashing, as opposed to, you know, what the article is actually about.
As long as Mail readers are infighting, the rest of us should be safe.
Great, now I have an image of you skullfucking Gordon while his lifeless glassy eye sits in a cup of water by the bed. And now you’re skullfucking the rest of the Labour front bench. You’ve moved onto the Tories. David Cameron has his finger up your arse. You’ve really wrecked my day, AndyS.
whereas mine seems to be improving no end. his finger up my arse you say? *wriggles*
He’s the knob of of dick’s penis.
Ashford
It must be painful to keep up this level of frantic, conspiracy-level style ranting. Surely he’s close to busting a vein if he maintains this level of anger.
And seeing as though most of the human body is comprised of water, according to his logic, humans=global warming.
Which is kind of an unintentional metaphor.
My Geography teacher always said water came from the sea or the atmosphere or some shit. But what does she know? I wasn’t listening anyway.
It’s worth checking out the other respondents as well. Quite aside from the depressing story itself about how 70% of adults who have had children don’t know how electricity is generated, we have a man claiming that bids stay in their air because they beat their wings downwards and “Every action has an equal and opposite reaction”, and another answering the question “How big is the world?” with “Because God made it”.
@Chris I think You’ll find the correct answer to “how big is the world?”, is “not big enough for all the immigrants, the world is FULL UP Gordon!”
Chris – respondents or despondents? Or I am despondent. Something anyway.
What a cheerless twat Martin from Ashford is – I’m feeling all depressed now so I’m going to go down to the inn at the quayside and sit by the open log fire, thinking about Cameron fingering things…
The Daily Mail is pitched at the market segment largely consisting of lower-middle class right-wing women who feel that their second-class honours degrees and two or three years corporate service prior to entering the marriage/childbirth/divorce cycle entitles them to sit on their fat arses watching telly their whole lives and berating those who draw much lower benefits from the state instead of from ex-husbands.
They deserve the humourless unsophisticated company of Martin, Ashford, and I’m sure they’d charge him more than a cheap lager for a shag. More like his house, car, and 50% of his income, if he actually possesses such things.
Divorced, right?
You read The Daily Express, right?
No, I just have the “former husband of right-wing middle class divorcee currently paying maintenance” version of gaydar.
I also have gaydar.
entirely unrelated to this post, but best way i could get this across i thought. check this group out. they use words like “islamofascist” and mean em. It is among the craziest most awful things i’ve seen in a while, and it is no parody. have a look, don’t click one of the links up there cos i think it went straight to gay porn, and please just check out the frothing rage
http://www.facebook.com/group.php?v=wall&gid=2363253979
oh, and i’m not a spammer. i am however left wing and middle class, and as soon as i clapped eyes on this monstrosity all my instincts began to burn. please excuse any minor typos, i’m one of our nations yoof.
Yeah, me too. The middle-class label though is a meaningless imposition of the state designed to convince higher-than-average earners that they aren’t really slaves to the corporate machine and that one day they too might retire (never resign mind you) rich.
The lower paid workers get Bono.
I’d like to take time out from sitting in my master’s ocular cavity to draw your collective attention to this…
http://twitter.com/BBC_HaveYourSay
It could become a major seam of HYS insanity
You know what that is – that’s not for regular HYSers. That’s for BBC journos to spy on tweets and then try and get a quote.
That’s almost as appalling as HYS.
I claim my £5.
A clear example of iylismwdyglt.
He’s a very angry little mister, isn’t he. So angry he can’t help but repeat the same things a few different times.
One point for anger, but minus two for economy of words.
Mr Angry is basically saying “If you like it so much why don’t you go live there”, but has padded it out to make himself look a little more intelligent than your average racist. Sadly it hasn’t worked and his little rant has only confirmed what most of Croydon already know, Mr Angry is the by product of 20 vindaloo’s and 10 bars of Ex-Lax that hasn’t been flushed away.
Read it and fucking weep. HYS on “disadvantaged minorites”.
From the Simpsons HYS:
Own up, which one of you is it trying to steal =dennis junior=’s thunder? I’m not angry, I’m disappointed
you have got to be joking. The most discriminated / disadvantaged sector of society is now white, middle class and male all caused by 11 years of the PC Labour brigade.
English Not British, or European
I had a look on that page you know the one about “disadvantaged minorites”. Surely this isn’t for real. Do people on HYS still use English Not British nonsense. Still they got a point about the in-dinge-ge-nous peoples of Briton.
“reverse racism/positive discrimination/PC blah…”
The top ten most-recommended comments are all saying that exact same thing. Just how many arseholes are actually voting on this?
More Simpsons thread fun from ray of sunshine Robert Park:
But then….
Well the Simpsons are yellow Robert.
I’m already out the door and zipping up the Kagoul
I don’t think you have to be way up there in “academe” to look down on Robert for being a moron.
Damn you Bloke in the Corner, beat me to it!
I think you’ve all got it wrong and Martin from Ashford is actually a satirist on par with Jonathan Swift or Evelyn Waugh.
Or perhaps he’s just the biggest gaping cunt this side of Katie Price’s downstairs bits.
Though from what I have read I am now a disadvantaged minority…well its about bloody time, dammed immiegrants coming over here still my disadvantaged minority status. I say send them back to where they came from and further.
Efnicks love discrimination. They love it. They’re never happier than when you’re throwing a shitty brick through their window. Bastards.
“The hotbed of snobbery which, of course, is discriminatory, is in academe” – What? Some university sociology lecturer thinks down the pub got annoyed with your drunken ramblings and your wagging of a finger in his/her face and comments about ‘university of life and school of hard knocks! Eh? Eh?!?’ and told you to fuck off? Elitist snob, tchh…
From Funny Peculiar’s HYS ‘disadvantaged minorities’ steer…
The real reason behind Mike Pool’s lack of career progression.
I could have been a judge if it wasn’t for those bloody women and ethnics (and if I’d had the Latin of course).
Yeah, and I could be ruling the world if I wasn’t a thick, highly offensive, racist piece of shit.
They’re not my words, that’s my translation from “Anglo Celt”:
He also has some tough, relevant words about airport security. Should airport security get tougher?
Translation: if we targeted the Pakis and niggers, everyone could just walk through.
Fucking monkey’s minge.
Oh, so disappointed not to see a new post today. Have had to make do with the odd clandestine fumble thinking of
@AndyS
“his finger up my arse you say?” *wriggles*
It was the wriggles that did it for me.
Oh baby. So good!
As part of my job we recieve some text messages sent to certain radio stations that contain a selection of ‘trigger’ words. I’ve been hesitating posting these becuase posting them could in trouble with work but seeing this one pushed me over the edge.
See if you can guess which radio station it was sent to.
Was it Radio No Idea About Spelling or Grammar FM?
He was probably pissed on sheery when he sent it.
Now class. Remember how at yesterday’s circle time we talked about what it means to be best friends with someone? Remember we said that it is the one friend that is closest to you, who you regard with affection and trust? So, today we are going to tell each other a bit more about our best friends. Janet, we will start with you.
Okay Janet, who didn’t have her listening ears on when teacher explained ‘friend’,'closest’, ‘affection’, ‘trust’, ‘envy’, ‘discontent’ and ‘resentment’? And your mum took you out of school for Diversity Week, didn’t she? What ARE we going to do with you?
All my best friends children have University degrees, but only one of mine does, and although my children earn decent wages, none of them earn as much as my friends, all on over £100,000 a year.
Admit it, your friends kids are just more intelligent than yours, and the 1 that does have a degree does not take after his/her fucktarded mother.
Fucking blockquotes, now I am the fucktard
Creative writing from what passes for the BNP’s propaganda dept., of course (some paunchy, middle-aged skinhead painstakingly stabbing nicotine-stained fingers at a grimy keyboard)..
… Mrs.
Janet Shaw will no doubt be happy to find out that her rantings on HYS are now informing government policy
@AndyS
There was a letter in today’s Western Morning News complaining about the Beeb giving temperatures in this new-fangled European Celsius rather than good old English(!) Fahrenheit.
What Janet Shaw says rings true. In fact it’s obvious once you open your eyes. Just look at Chris Eubank lording it over everyone with his monacle and johdpurs. My son loves a good tear-up but struggles to even buy his own drinks.