Thanks to Magnus. I’m sure you all were as shocked as I was to see the horrific images of death and destruction in Haiti; the collapsed shanty towns, a product of grinding poverty unable to withstand the awesome power of nature; the feeling of impotence in the face of such terrible suffering that we can do nothing to relieve, except dig a little into our pockets and watch the carnage unfold on our TV screens. Thank God someone has a way to apply their own skills to the situation.
Patriot8384
Figure out a way to allow me to carry my arsenal with me to Haiti and i will gladly stand over the doctors and nurses to make sure they are safe while they help as many as possible. Its so easy to sit in your nice warm house and parade around like you have an idea of what they are going through but get chased around your job by a guy with a machette or an Ak-47 and let me know how willing you will be to work overtime the next day. To anyone reading this and anyone willing to Stand by my side i say lets go and protect people so the Medical response can be swift and decisive. But i wont be a victim so i REQUIRE i be allowed to bring weapons and ammunition to do the job right. The military can only do so much. This situation needs dedicated personel just for the security of these doctors. I have all the faith in the world in the Military but i know realistically they have a job to do as well.
Dear Jim’ll,
Please can you fix it so I can shoot some black people? I have LOTS OF GUNS and I am willing to do it for charity.
Yours Sincerely,
Patriot8384
94 Responses to “Rambo in a Bath of Beans”
Sadly, he doesn’t give any contact details.
2nd
Some of the best things about this – the not so random capitalisation (Stand, Military, Medical) – and the fact that I can finish off his post for him:
Even though it doesn’t say so, I just know this guy is an American…
and a grade one arsehole.
No, not easy at all. Try it.
Yeah, screw helping earthquake victims, they’ve got civilians to bomb!
Although come to think of it, perhaps that’s how he thinks medicine works. Regiments of paraparamedics armed with syringe rifles and scalpel bayonets, airdropped in to medicine the shit out of some Haitians.
He/she (you never know…) REQUIRES to be allowed to bring weapons and ammo (pointless bringing one and not the other, obviously!!11!!) to do the job RIGHT.
You can tell he’s not a terrrrrrrist because he’s not got a big beard.
Definitely a bloke. Cock.
hey, if you’ve got a problem, he’ll come to you
Do you think he is still wondering why the Military turned him down?
There is now coffee all over my keyboard and screen. Cheers, Schroduck.
If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire…
He’s quite upset that they didn’t even let him in the recruitment office. After half an hour of watching him try to pull open the door clearly marked push, they knocked on the window and politely gestured for him to go away.
I’ll help him. Last thing I want to see is the inevitable increase in the price of brandname training shoes if we don’t get those sweatshops up and running again. It may sound callous, but our economy relies on these dedicated Haitian workers willing to work a twelve-hour day for a dollar. Give me a gun and I’d willingly shoot anyone who asks for a pay rise.
“There are currently about 7,000 U.N. military peacekeepers and 2,100 international police in Haiti.”
“Some 2,000 Marines also were to arrive off Haiti on Monday, Keen said, reinforcing 1,000 U.S. troops on the ground.”
[http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20100118/ap_on_re_la_am_ca/cb_haiti_earthquake]
And what they *really* need is another nutjob.
I’ll give him is due,he’s keen.
Dear Lord,
please can you make sure there is a huge natural disater somewhere in the world (not my hometown) so that I can get a chance to showcase my unique protectionist skills.
I realise this may be a bit harsh on the inhabitants of the third world town, city or village that you will choose, but i think even they will, in the medium term, come to appreciate those skills which I will bring to the crisis.
Thank you lord
Patriot 8384
PS i REQUIRE i be allowed to bring weapons and ammunition to do the job right
Oh, poor old Patriot8384
Did Blackwater turn you down?
But he’s right – it is easy to sit in my nice warm house thinking about what the emergency rescue services are going though.
It’s sitting in your nice warm house posting self aggrandizing bollox on the net that takes effort.
I feel put in my place.
For nice warm house,read concrete bunker in deepest darkest Alabama
Patriot8384 is quite clearly Mike from Spaced
You can tell he’s American. I live in Hackney, I work from home and I’m constantly getting chased by OUT OF CONTROL YOUTHS with knives.
You couldn’t make it up. Probably.
and for ‘parading around’, read ‘arranging your collections of Parade and Guns and Ammo in a rough semi circle around the spot where Patriot321 is kneeling with his DPM kecks around his knees’.
Probly.
He is the Seth Rogen character in Observe and Report – ” and I see a cloud of death…and cancer…and I pull out the biggest motherfucking gun and start blasting”. “Don’t thank me. I’m just a man…with a gun…kapow!”.
Look, Bruce, the twat signal!
Or do made up kung-fu in your pants until you collapse in a miserable heap while the Doors reach a whirligig climax.
I’m having a pity parade at my house at 3.30 this afternoon, all are welcome. We’re just gonna parade (in wheel chairs) around my nice warm home have a cup of tea and pretend that we haven’t really spent the morning stripping guns and wanking ourselves senseless. See you there.
Hmm, maybe ol’ Pat is in charge of the US ‘relief effort’, seeing as they’re sending a couple of hundred doctors and ~ 12 000 soldiers.
I don’t doubt the capability of the military, it’s just that sometimes the situation calls for something more.. a grim guardian, a bescowled protector, a vigilant vinegarstrokiste. You know, that guy.
Mr Patriot is undoubtedly sitting down giving his huge weapon a good polishing right now. Later on he’ll go into the back bedroom and discharge it while watching the lady across the street as she gets ready for bed.
I’ve been thrown out, Tim.
The Rough Ramblers don’t want me any more.
Well since the communo-fascists have rescinded second amendment rights on planes, perhaps Mr. Patriot might like to travel there Padre Baloneiro style.
It’s so easy to sit in your nice warm house (Pfft, not likely that description, but still) and parade around on shit messageboards like you have an idea of what they are going through.
I’m not sure why, but Patriot8384 really reminds me of this guy:
http://timetraveler.ytmnd.com/
*’Volkgarten’ has a plan to help Haiti*
‘ have an idea and would like to get pros and cons on it. I am learning hydroponics and aquaponics. While conservation of personal resources can be extreme in a refugee environment, there is also opportunity to provide occupation for large numbers of people. If the space can be made available in the form of trenches and box tables, medicinals and fast foods (short season plants) could serve to take some weight off of relief workers, and provide a source of materials for knowledgeable persons. Another bit of occupancy would be that, except for plastic tarp and seed, everything else could be obtained from the immediate vicinity, even it it meant using, (or reshaping and reusing) the wood and stone rubble. If the camps are going to run for even 1 year, fish can also be grown there. Please comment.’
Where do you think Patty is heading next? To defeat the socialist menace Obama, of course! Sending doctors away to treat blacks, how dare he? They’re needed in the US to make sure poor people don’t get treated, the scum.
Sure Mum, I’ll go down to tesco with you and help you carry the heavy bags back to the Polo. See you in 10 minutes.
Patriot 8384
PS.. i REQUIRE i be allowed to bring weapons and ammunition to do the job right
I like how he imagines the outbreaks of violence to be exactly like a Benny Hill sketch.
Patriot8384: Member of the A team?
Am I allowed to be an utterly serious cynic for a second, without making the funnies? Ok?
Ok then – has anyone noticed the little rumours bubbling under that speculate that now that a humungous number of ‘Mercans have arrived in Haiti, taken over the airport etc, its going to be a complete bastard to get them to go home again… Patriot8384 might not have to wait too long before he’s invited to join in the fun and point his big guns at the brown people.
I’ll get my ‘conspiracy theorist’-branded coat shall I? It’s next to my ‘Team America’ baseball cap
If that humungous number of ‘Mercans have arrived in Haiti to have yet another bash at ‘Fucked-Up-Nation-(re)Building-From-Scatch-With-Absolutely-No-Plan-Or-Forethought’, then they’ve got more stomach for punishment than I ever gave them credit for.
@ Pirate
Certainly odd they seem so interested in clearing up and rebuilding after this natural disaster, when New Orleans is still knee deep in sewage
I would love to join the civilian peace-keeping force. I have a bit of a thing for black women and I am pretty sure they would be impressed, both by my weaponry and also by the hard line I would take on anyone who tried to loot a doctor.
Furthermore, Haiti is is far enough away that my wife would be highly unlikely to catch me “playing away”.
Yes the more I think about it the more this seems like a fantastic sex opportunity. Patriot, I am with you buddy.
Your candour is impressive..
…oh by the way, you can send the coat to Haiti.
Is there some sort of Dali Award – a surreal version of the Darwin Awards?
Why not just shoot the patients, which should also fix the overtime problem
In 1972, a crackpot mental was sent to prison by a civilian court for a crime he had planned to commit. This man belatedly got released from a medium security psychiatric ward to the tea bagger underground. Today, still unwanted by the government, he survives as a weekend warrior of misfortune. If you have a problem, if lots of others can help, and if you can identify him, maybe you can avoid… The A-Cunt.
You Sir, – Writer of this entire blog – are clearly a pathetic, homosexual recluse.
Not that I have anything against homosexuals, however I do have something against pathetic little losers that have nothing better to do with their life than go through British news website’s reader comments, and launching into attacks on anyone who doesn’t think exactly the same way as you do. (see the hypocrisy of whom you slate, and what you are doing?)
I’ll be honest with you Mr. Loser, You make anyone who reads this actually WANT to be an extreme right wing fanatic, just so they don’t have the thought process as someone as pathetic as you.
Remember this: You are NOT funny – You are NOT intelligent – NO ONE CARES WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY – and most importantly of all – JUST GET A LIFE, YOU BITTER, RECLUSIVE, PATHETIC, VIRGIN.
Get outside of your house once in a while. I feel sorry for you – I really do.
This is more advice than anything else Mr. “Blog-writer-in-his-basement-sitting there-wanking-all-day-and-venting-his bitterness-of-a-world-that-he-is-bullied-and-not-accepted-in”
Dear hmmmmm,
Thank You Sir, for the painful reminder of the truth; that I am merely a figment of the imagination of Alex, or Nelson, whoever is the pathetic, homosexual recluse and writer of the entire blog.
And that like the other figments, I am NOT funny, and NOT intelligent.
I for one hope that all of us figments can persuade our master/bitter-reclusive-virgin to leave the house for once and join Patriot8384 on his mission to Haiti.
Yours sincerely,
Count Czardas
PS are you also a figment of the miserable Alex/Nelson imagination or are you a REEL PERSON ?
Ooh, and i fucked up the blockquotes to boot. Smooth.
I’m writing this from my basement. Does that make me a loser? Or a virgin? Only if I’m a virgin it means that I have to determine the paternity of my children.
I imagine you get given that advice a lot yourself, Hmmmmm?
I doubt that you’ve ever had anything against a straight person either. Not a real one anyway – inflatable ones don’t count.
Hmmmm,
Out of interest, how did you determine that he’s homosexual? I mean, I can understand the sad, virgin loser bit -that’s been know, or at least suspected, for years. But I can’t see how trawling British websites looking for posts by people like yourself is an indication of homosexuality. Is it possible that you may be wrong on this point? Are you projecting, perhaps?
PS I wrote this from my basement as well.
Hmmmmmmm
Thanks for confirmation that we’re hitting at least one target..
Just in case you’re wondering, I’m writing this one from someone else’s basement whilst I wait for the gimp to come back. Hopefully patriot3456 will save me before the penetration and the communist plotting starts again, not that i’ve got anything against the gays.
That’s awesome.
Let’s see…
- use of “homosexual” as an insult? Check
- immediate example of cognitive dissonance by insisting that the writer has nothing against homosexuals? Check
- poor grammar? Check
- finding a blog that mocks the intensely stupid, realising that it’s you they’re mocking and then launching into a diatribe in the most recent comments that reveals the depths of self-loathing of the author? Check
- evidence of sample bias by assuming that HYS denizens are “normal”? Check
My, you’re my dream man. Come, I’ll leave my wife and run away to Haiti with you. But I REQUIRE i be allowed to bring weapons and ammunition to do the job right.
hahahaha yeah man that is just so true, all of what you said. You really told him what you think of him. Will it make a difference? will it FUCK. Hey, get a load of this guy with his “opinion” How about if you PIPE DOWN AND FUCK YOUR DAD AGAIN.
PS.
Gay virgin? I’ve heard better insults traded on a school bus. You must have been really hurt in these words in the past to try and use them on someone else eh matey?
PPS.
See you at your mums bukkake party tonight.
I’m writing this from the first floor. But there’s two floors above me, so I suppose it could be, technically, a basement.
Patriot8384 fires blanks, not that it matters as guns can’t get people pregnant, only people who don’t abuse steroids while watching “Rambo” over and over again can get people pregnant.
P.S. How can Nelson be reclusive if his got a blog that people actually read? Pathetic, yes, we know that, virgin, well, I dunno, maybe he’s saving himself for marriage to Anne Widdicombe, as a Trup Patriot would do.
True. Not Trup. Arse-biscuits.
Hmmmm… Some days it’s hard to know which side of the mirror you’re on, isn’t it? Some days satire is just a mythical goat-man with a big hard on. Some days not.
I like how some people think that being good at Call Of Duty on xbox or whatever, has transferable skills into the real world.
“Well I completed some shooting games, so I must be good at war… bring on the baddies”
It makes me want to cunt myself in the face (whatever that means).
Hmmmm,
Chill out, dude. Seriously.
On the “Selling Cadburys is the last nail in the coffin of British industry” debate. http://newsforums.bbc.co.uk/nol/thread.jspa?threadID=11991&edition=1&ttl=20100119095905
I suibmitted:
It seemed the humane thing to do.
If being really good at Call of Duty equated to being really good at war, then, logically, the world champions for CoD should be a battle-scarred bunch of Andy McNab’s big brothers…
…well, maybe not then.
Best post in that debate:
Perhaps we will be able to buy therm.
Or them.
I like this comment, because it contains a glass and a half of bullshit:
Not even going to attempt a block quote fail:
Added: Tuesday, 19 January, 2010, 10:33 GMT 10:33 UK
aIll never buy cadburys agaian and i eat a lot
mitch
We can tell mitch, in fact as a result your fingers have grown so fat it’s inhibiting your ability to type properly.
Bollocks. That’s the LAST thing I wanted to happen.
Ah well. I’ll go have a sandwich and have a good think about the future of this website.
Alex and Nelson must gain a sense of satisfaction when this site makes even one of the HYS’ers aware of their profound retardation. In a way they’re the true heroes. In a way,
Hmmmmmmm, very… interesting… Helga! You will not be required tonight as I think my attention will be diverted elsewhere – I’ve just found someone with a big weapon lurking in the basement
Personally I enjoy it most when they write long self-justifying scribes about how pathetic we are. I imagine them getting so simultaneously angry/smug as they write the final pithy insult that the action of smacking the Submit Comment button finally overloads their blackened hearts and they expire, ecstatic and disappointed, In The Right as they shuffle off this mortal coil. It’s the way they’d have wanted to go.
I’m confused. Does this apply to Nelson, Kelvin, Alex (who submitted this piece) or Napoleon? I’m going to assume he means Nelson for the sheer unadulterated hell of it.
Nelson has never confessed to any homosexual leanings, and even if he had, so what?
As for pathetic, I suspect you would struggle to match his erudition ( the Dan Dennett book is really good – thanks Nelson) or following on his blog.
Recluse? I doubt it. He is always off somewhere, coming back to tell us where he has been.
Hmmmm is just talking crap without any evidence. The place for that is BBC’s Have your Say. Off you go…
As you were.
Nelson? Homosexual leanings? Well if he did I can assure you that I’d be the first to know.
The crew have been wanting to get that powdered wig off and his britches down around his buckled shoes for quite some time now I can tell you…
Is it only me that can’t decide if Hmmmm is taking the piss or not? His post is on the border between rant and impression-of-a-rant. He starts with ‘You Sir!’ ; which is a universal ‘Angry From Tunbridge Wells’ spoof opener.
@Hmmm – stick around, you are fkn GOLD!
Bollocks! I wanted to comment but I don’t have a basement
What are homosexual leanings, anyway? Are they like homosexual kneelings and homosexual bendings over? If so I don’t have any. I limit myself to homosexual anonymous handjobs in public conveniences.
Still ignoring Fly_n_finn…
Go on, which one of you lot is responsible for this one?
BwwaaaaHaaahaaahaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!
I knew you were all bitter homosexuals! You want the evidence??
Look at the mass outrage my single post caused – and specifically to the homosexual comments.
Also look at the overly-descriptive, homosexually-laden responses that you guys were just dying for an excuse to post on here.
Truly pathetic bunch of basement dwellers.
and this shit:
“Recluse? I doubt it. He is always off somewhere, coming back to tell us where he has been.”
I love the way you guys are trying to defend him with ultra-lame statements like that.
I couldn’t stop laughing at this – you sad, sad person.
“Recluse? I doubt it. He is always off somewhere, coming back to tell us where he has been.”
You told me.
Suck up.
You should put that statement up on your blog as one of the main entries and criticize this.
What an absolute FAIL of a comeback – as proof that he leaves his house?? because he posts stories of his travels on a website???
you should be strung up by your gay balls for being such a suck up to the original poster.
We actually only have one resident homosexual.
Up until now, that is. You can be our brand new latent homosexual. You won’t even need to make an application, because even Pirate Pete doesn’t make that many references to his sexuality in such a short space.
Wait. There’s also a lesbian, but she doesn’t talk much anymore.
And I know you like lesbians, or at least the ones in the videos, because then there aren’t any annoying penises getting in the way and confusing you.
Protip: it’s not eye slippage if you’re only looking at the cock.
I admit, you got us there. A big bunch of queens we are. Most people don’t seem to spot it but you, it’s like you’ve got a sixth sense for spotting homosexuality. Like you can just look at a person and say to yourself, “hey, I can really easily imagine that man sucking my penis. A penis. Not my penis. Some anonymous penis that’s not attached to me. I’m not gay. I’m just good at spotting gays, not because I want to do anything with them, just because it’s one of those strange skills that some people are born with. Or choose to have. Anyway, he’s got nice lips.” How did you discover you had this “radar for gays”?
Well, it looks as though a mid-atlantic 15 year old has completely blown our cover. There’s simply no way back from this. We are undone…
*looks around the tiny basement flat, sighs, switches off the light and curls tightly into a neurotic foetal position… the sound of quiet, prolonged sobbing.*
Well I don’t generally post whole streams of naughty comments in one thread, but I can always make an exception…
Anyway I’m just been re-ripping my CD collection to high quality Ogg (I’m a gay geek) and to pass the time I’ve just gone through two disks of Julian & Sandy, so if I hear another thinly veiled double-entendre I’ll probably expire.
Oh, and Hmmmmm I can highly recommend some experimental cock-sucking – blokes straight off building sites, chavs and coppers (in certain circumstances) provide the most satisfying experience for a beginner.
How did you know, Kelvin? Was it you I sucked off in the toilets last week?
Hmmmmm,
Have you thought that if we really are such a bunch of sad, no life, recluse, homosexuals what an utter dick wad that makes you for arguing with us & justify your own sorry existence?
Congratualtions you win at the internets.
Our work here is done.
I think Rambo here is stuck on the horns of a dilemma. Round his way it’s either sleep with men or sleep with your sister.
I’m looking at it. I’m shaking my head in disbelief. Once again, this is the LAST thing I wanted to happen. You’ve got an uncanny knack for really getting under my skin and making me incredibly sad and angry.
Outrage?
The people who give a fuck live here.
http://geography.about.com/od/specificplacesofinterest/a/tristandacunha.htm
Hmmmm,
I give up with you. You win. La de da…
Why read/write on his blog if you think Nelson’s a prat?
Just saying…
Because the train of thought goes something like this:
“Hey, my opinion matters! It must do, because otherwise all these news websites wouldn’t be asking for it! And here’s these… people taking the piss out of my opinion! Which the news websites all said really mattered! And I give my opinion honestly! And they’re taking the piss out of it! How can I express my outrage? I know, I’ll make a half-retarded, angry statement on this website, where they’re taking the piss out of opinions that matter and tell them they’re all gay. That’ll show them. Yeah.”
Hmmm has convinced me to join hmmmosexuals anonymous and show my true feelings
Hang on, isn’t THIS hmmmosexuals anonymous? I’m so confused. And in oh so many ways.
A hmmmosexual is someone who has sexual feelings for “Hmmmm”, right? Because that describes me. Hell, I’m only human.