spEak You're bRanes

Outsiders and Plain Weird20 Jan 2010 10:37 am

By Nelson

Thanks to Duck (Scary) who was navigating the Carnival of Indignant Windy Bell-ends when he found this one. It’s about a carer (Jane Hoy) stealing money from her disabled client (Lorraine Andrews).

You are with cruel robbers on par;
Should disabled be you’re prey?
Two faced Hoy how cruel you are;
Look! your palms how mucked are they.

When high trust is reposed on you,
What made you to filch from her;
How cruel of you to bid adieu
To conscience, and become a cur.

When helpless Lorraine found you
Stealing money from her purse,
Wondered should carer pursue
Mean acts which invite curse.

But for the key witness- the CCTV,
Who could’ve controlled your spree?
- T.Nandakumar, Chennai, India, 18/1/2010 12:04

Recommended by 62 indignant windy bell-ends.

53 Responses to “If These Shitprawns Have Offended”

on 20 Jan 2010 at 10:43 am Virginia Woolf

First
on 20 Jan 2010 at 10:57 am That Bloke in the Corner

What made you to filch from her;

Now I have my glasses on I see that it is filch and not felch. I think this probably says something Freudian about me.
on 20 Jan 2010 at 11:02 am Theodore

It would be lovely to see an edition of Question Time entirely in verse – questions & answers – but to have the urge to write godawful poetry on HYS is a worrying thing.

PS. I claim another £5.

TimeOnLine Burkha thread:

Rob Bryant wrote:
Respect would say that, wouldn’t they, since their support, votes and money, comes from the tent-wearers.

If the tent-wearers feel offended why don’t they shuffle off to somewhere where they can wear a tent and not worry, like Saudi Arabia. They will be happy and their god will be pleased with them…..
on 20 Jan 2010 at 11:05 am Mr Cat

Someone on the same thread tries to make a coherent point and fails so miserably it hurts

It should never be allowed for one person to be alone with a vulnerable person, whether that person is elderly or disabled or both. I have seen so-called ‘carers’ entering our building in London where it is obvious they couldn’t care less about their client, only in the money at the end of the month.

People should be aware of a law that exists in this country, that is, the only time that you can discriminate in employment, or lodgers, etc., is when it involves someone entering your home. So those so-called care agencies should inform their vulnerable clients of this so that they can make a choice.

This story does not surprise me.
- London Girl, London UK

Come on London Girl… you were almost there… erm … what were you trying to say again?
on 20 Jan 2010 at 11:15 am Nelson

I think she’s trying to say that, while it’s frowned upon to take your racism to others, it’s fine to be racist about people who come to visit you.
on 20 Jan 2010 at 11:28 am Rissa

I can’t decide whether I’m more annoyed by the stupid you’re/your mistake or the abysmal meter of ‘Mean acts which invite curse’. Twat.
on 20 Jan 2010 at 11:38 am Jones

When Rob Bryant refers to tent-wearers, is he talking about fat people?
on 20 Jan 2010 at 11:46 am Roeby

“Look! your palms how mucked are they”

“Mean acts which invite curse”

Has she just nicked the list of clues from a cryptic crossword?
on 20 Jan 2010 at 11:51 am StealthBadger

“Look! your palms how mucked are they”

“Mean acts which invite curse”

I suspect these particular lines refer to the act of throttling the trouser-ferret.
on 20 Jan 2010 at 12:12 pm Philbert

I’m imagining this sung in the style of a Gilbert & Sullivan comic opera, with every 4th line repeated by a chorus.
on 20 Jan 2010 at 12:27 pm That Bloke in the Corner

I thought I would follow the link and see if there was anymore to this story and so clicked on the ‘Carnival of Indignant Windy Bell-ends’ and too late, realised that I was being redirected to the Daily Heil. I tried to get out of it,I really did, but got sucked in and now I have the urge to go and abuse a one legged asylum seeker in an Ingerlish council house.Wednesday was going so well.
I wouldn’t describe it as a Carnival though, more a washed out church fete in Sussex with humorous entertainment from the Vicar
on 20 Jan 2010 at 12:29 pm Chris

This rhythmic commentary is catching:-

“dreadful state of affairs, and would recommend, all vunerable people, have these cctv systems installed.
Fight Back people…
- ButePrincess, argyll & bute,”

Apart from leaving the L out of “vulnerable” and, presumably, “back” it’s not a bad stab at a coherent structure
on 20 Jan 2010 at 12:33 pm Scott

I am greatly amused that for all his command of flowery language, the poet apparently couldn’t think of a better word to express how stained with guilt Hoy’s hands were than ‘mucked’.
on 20 Jan 2010 at 12:39 pm Ed aka Ghost of Cuger-Jaggar, PhD

Soiled. Like his pants.
on 20 Jan 2010 at 12:47 pm Alex

Fuck. This is actually a sonnet.
on 20 Jan 2010 at 12:50 pm Jones

I was more amused at how someone knows all those flowery words yet didn’t know how to string them together.
on 20 Jan 2010 at 12:57 pm Roeby

Definately going for Lady Macbeth imagery isn’t he/she?. All they need is a few ‘doths’ and a ‘verily’.
on 20 Jan 2010 at 1:05 pm Charles Exford, Oxton

There was a woman complaining about First Crapital Connect in “verse” form on the news last night. People who insist on performing this particular variety of gittery should be bludgeoned to DETH in public.
on 20 Jan 2010 at 1:23 pm Schroduck

@Alex – at least you can take solace in the fact that the meter is so fucked, it may as well just be prose with some funny linebreaks and a lot of words that sound kind of the same.
on 20 Jan 2010 at 1:32 pm Cougar Brent

I find it rather endearing when these arse-monkeys decide to voice their opinions in verse form. It makes a change from the stream-of-consciousness arse gravy we’re used to…

And I especially like the vocab compromises, where our erstwhile poet struggles against the cruel confines of their chosen medium (and the cruel confines of their own failed existence)to find a suitably evocative and powerful word to portray the utterly heinous nature of the crime of which they were moved to write.

Mucked = Genius
Purse/Pursue = Double Genius

Is the poem about Jane Hoy, or Chris Hoy, though? He’s pretty mucked, I bet…
on 20 Jan 2010 at 1:37 pm The Silent Majority

Fuck me, Rick from The Young Ones could write a better poem than that.
on 20 Jan 2010 at 1:43 pm Fish

Maybe all comments should be in rhyming verse. At least it might stop some of the usual cunts using “indigenous” in a way that’s completely perverse.
on 20 Jan 2010 at 1:49 pm Marx & Sparx

Fish

““indigenous” in a way that’s completely perverse.”

You need to find your coat. NOW!
on 20 Jan 2010 at 2:03 pm Koojer

@Cougar Brent “Chris Hoy, though? He’s pretty mucked, I bet…”

From eating too many Bran Flakes then going cycling? Is that what you’re implying?
on 20 Jan 2010 at 2:04 pm Fish

It’s on a boat, somewhere remote.
on 20 Jan 2010 at 2:06 pm Lurker in a Burka

I’d be quite interested to see where T.Nandakumar draws the line with this poetry commenting business. I would like to read their witty poetic response to, say, the disaster in Haiti or the escalating trouble in Afghanistan.

Actually on second thoughts I wouldn’t.

By the way I once tried wearing a tent in Saudi Arabia and I sweated my tits off. Not recommended.
on 20 Jan 2010 at 2:08 pm T S Eliot (anagram)

Fuckwad opinions are so much more persuasive in verse. The BNP should rewrite their manifesto in haiku.
on 20 Jan 2010 at 2:09 pm Kelvin

Definately going for Lady Macbeth imagery isn’t he/she?. All they need is a few ‘doths’ and a ‘verily’.

And yet, the one time it might be appropriate, not a single ‘methinks’ in sight. This might be the single most ironic moment in HYS history.
on 20 Jan 2010 at 2:12 pm Mr Ed

I’ve a long list of morons indigenous
to be hurled off of something vertignous
since they can’t fucking spell
or do anagrams well
and think Cuger and Bruce aren’t synonymous
on 20 Jan 2010 at 2:14 pm Kelvin

Few now know that jazzman Charles Mingus
Once flew twice a week on Aer Lingus
For his young gaelic fancy
Lived in Ardmaclancy
But she wouldn’t let him do more than hold her hand.
on 20 Jan 2010 at 2:16 pm Mr Cat

There was a woman complaining about First Crapital Connect in “verse” form on the news last night. People who insist on performing this particular variety of gittery should be bludgeoned to DETH in public.

nice spot – check it man:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/local/london/hi/tv_and_radio/newsid_8468000/8468560.stm

Visual and aural HYS style rants.

I hate FCC too but FFS I’m not writing bad poetry about it – I reserve that for women I obsess over.
on 20 Jan 2010 at 2:16 pm Mr Ed

Oh, bollocks.
on 20 Jan 2010 at 2:18 pm Fish

I reserve that for women I obsess over.

At last, my specialist field. “Kayleigh, is it too late to say I’m sorry?”
on 20 Jan 2010 at 2:41 pm Toto

Fuck you Fish, you 80s has-been, our stuff was way better than yours…

The crime she did cries against what’s right.
Stole from disabled people longing for some company
She stole their things with fingers light,
As sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti
on 20 Jan 2010 at 2:50 pm Roeby

@ Kelvin

Fuck,fuck,fuckidy fuck… can’t believe I forgot that one.
on 20 Jan 2010 at 3:18 pm Fish

@Toto
Bastards. And you’ll get shitloads of royalties every time some unimaginative producer decides your hit song will be just the thing as a theme tune for this summer’s World Cup.
on 20 Jan 2010 at 3:20 pm nickunt

http://news.bbc.co.uk/local/london/hi/tv_and_radio/newsid_8468000/8468560.stm

I’d almost forgiven her rhyming ‘month’ with ‘trumps’ but then got to ‘and makes all of your passengers cry out loud. WITH PAIN.’ and had to stop listening.
Carol Ann Duffy must be bricking herself.
on 20 Jan 2010 at 3:41 pm Phil Arious

Am I going mad, or did this very site not once feature a poetic ode in remembrance of Baby P, set to the tune of the Fresh Prince of Bel Air theme tune?
on 20 Jan 2010 at 3:48 pm Roeby

Off topic, but I’m waiting to see with baited breath how HYSers will respond to:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/beds/bucks/herts/8469850.stm

It’s homeowner jailed after an intruder is hunted down and given a taste of ‘true justice’ verus barbaric, muslim mobs who refuse to follow Ingerlish law.

Eek! The supsence is killing me – which way will it go??
on 20 Jan 2010 at 4:08 pm Marshall

Indeed it did Phil,

http://ifyoulikeitsomuchwhydontyougolivethere.com/2008/12/04/little-soldier-angel-saint-baby/
on 20 Jan 2010 at 4:17 pm Doe, Adair, a female deer

Philbert, spot on with the G&S idea. It cheered up my day no end.
on 20 Jan 2010 at 4:29 pm Phil Arious

Ah, that takes me back. On a related note, I’m off to spam the Cadbury’s/Kraft thread with my own poetry, much of it inspired by or directly lifted from “Gettin’ Jiggy Wit It”
on 20 Jan 2010 at 4:30 pm Rick

Fuck me, Rick from The Young Ones

I’d rather do Vyv
on 20 Jan 2010 at 4:43 pm The Silent Majority

I’d rather do Vyv

On your own head, be it…
on 20 Jan 2010 at 5:30 pm Ceannair

Am I going mad, or did this very site not once feature a poetic ode in remembrance of Baby P, set to the tune of the Fresh Prince of Bel Air theme tune?

Oh dear sweet lord in heaven!!!

I think that poem is legit – it’s just toooo funny.
on 20 Jan 2010 at 5:37 pm The Inevitable Indigerenos Doom

From the “How should families be supported?” Thread:

“Added: Wednesday, 20 January, 2010, 14:41 GMT 14:41 UK

A pamphlet guide for new dads supported by Ed Balls?

BA isn’t on strike yet are they?

Join the queue…

I’m orf

[ColPete], London, United Kingdom”

STOP ALL THE CLOCKS
CUT OFF THE TELEPHONE
THE GOVERNMENT IS PRODUCING A PAMPHLET

On the bright side, expect increasingly grumpy posts from ColPete as his wanking strike drags on.
on 20 Jan 2010 at 5:38 pm pigfrottage

Fish,

You aren’t the real DW Dick. If you were you’d be far more pretentious
on 20 Jan 2010 at 8:34 pm Fish

Damn. Rumbled.

Indeed, I am only named after the great man, having been briefly infamous for being drunk and miserable many years ago.
on 20 Jan 2010 at 8:37 pm Jesus Chris

I don’t see what the problem is. It’s survival of the fittest – the able bodied steal from the disabled. It’s fairly obvious that this is a triumph of liberal capitalism and the failure of the welfare state.

No more Broon. No more Broon. No more Broon.
on 20 Jan 2010 at 8:37 pm Jesus Chris

By the way, since I started reading this thread, the weather has gone from awesome to raining like a bastard. I don’t think it’s a coincidence.
on 20 Jan 2010 at 8:39 pm Magnus V. Inkerman

Am I going mad, or did this very site not once feature a poetic ode in remembrance of Baby P, set to the tune of the Fresh Prince of Bel Air theme tune?

Yes, that existed.

By god, it was good.
on 21 Jan 2010 at 2:08 pm Jammy Mouth

Do you feel the pain
of poor sweet Lorraine?
Boy! Hoy!
Twat.
on 21 Jan 2010 at 3:51 pm Pirate Pete

Am I the only one mourning the missed opportunity to use the word ‘fucked’ at some point further on in the poem, given that she used ‘mucked’… ?

"If you love Iran so much..
why don't you go live there?"

53 Responses to “If These Shitprawns Have Offended”

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spEak You're bRanes

"If you love Iran so much.. why don't you go live there?"

53 Responses to “If These Shitprawns Have Offended”

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"If you love Iran so much..
why don't you go live there?"