Thanks to Ellie for finding Diamantina over at the Guardian where they’re debating whether or not animals have souls. Yep.
Diamantina is no Christian fundamentalist. She’s open to all kinds of ideas and believes in evolution. She certainly doesn’t believe the bible is literally true! Nope. Diamantina carefully works things out.
I was under the impression (possibly incorrect) that although individual animals have souls, those souls die with them. Nevertheless, there will probably be pets in Heaven, but how this happens, I do not know. I suppose that there is a Platonic ideal of cat-ness or dog-ness that those cats and dogs in Heaven will share — but what about those religious believers who mourn particular dogs and cats and other pets? Somehow I think they would not be completely satisfied with the Platonic ideal of a dog if they wanted a particular dog with its own temperament and quirks.
Diamantina
You heard it here first peeps. There will probably be pets in Heaven. Don’t expect them to be exactly the same as they were down here though! Hahahah! That’d be fucking stupid. You thought there’d be normal dogs in heaven? HAHAHAHA! You massive twat. Of course they won’t be normal! The very idea! Deary me, no. The dogs in Heaven will be placid, homogenous pooches, much closer to the platonic ideal of a dog than we’re used to down here on earth!
See?
71 Responses to “Probably”
I don’t like that picture as much as I liked the one of the tiger with the big cock. But you can’t have everything, can you?
Except, clearly, dogs in heaven. So all dogs do go to heaven, or at least what passes for heaven when the medication makes the voices go away.
Good dogs go to heaven. Bad dogs go everywhere.
How refreshing, if only John Adair and the other nobjockeys on HYS would take a leaf out of Diamantina’s book.
Please draw a cock on the dog. In my idea of heaven, the dogs have big pencil-drawn cocks.
What about the pit bulls? Who determines whether a good dangerous dog gets into heaven or not?
Is St. Peter there to welcome them in? We need to know.
Blame the deed not the breed.
Whatever the fucking Charlotte Churches that means.
And a big poo as well steaming behind it.
Jesus, Nelson, you’re obsessed with things sticking out of animals’ arses. I know you’re going to claim that’s a tail, but sheesh…
Wow, that lady is mental. She also seems to spend waaay too much time thinking about some pretty odd quandaries…
So, whatever it is sticking out of that unfortunate cartoon dog’s anal passage it has nothing to do with (according to Jesus) sexual activity. Hang about, she said no genital sexual activity, so it could be God touching the dog on the bum…
Yeah, blokequote! I though it would be more difficult than that, given the number of fucked-up blockquotes you see on here…
@Jesus Chris
Even the female dogs?
Will the platonic ideal of my stomach bacteria be able to digest the platonic ideal of bacon in heaven? because if the answer is no then Jesus can just jolly well suck my wang.
He has; that dog has only 3 legs.
I dunno. Diamantina’s waffle seems as good as anything you’re going to get in response to a question like that. The worst you can say is that he/she’s daft to get involved in such a discussion. No worse than all the atheist twats who go on Cif Belief to stroke eachother about their superior rationalism and rejection of all superstition.
And I’m no expert on Plato, but surely the platonic ideal of a dog would be more like the archetype of dogness, which would be pretty snarly and unpleasant, with a pooey bum.
Or are we talking about some sort of dog philosopher-king? Best add a crown to the picture, if you’re taking suggestions. A crown made of meat.
She is painfully insane
http://www.guardian.co.uk/users/Diamantina
And don’t get me started on her twitterings
And in the Jewish heaven, and the Islamic heaven, there are no pigs. Do rabbits breed in the Hindu heaven? Do viruses go to heaven?
Ah, so many question, so few reasons to answer (sigh).
There is no Dog but Dog..
I wonder if dogs in heaven still love the taste of cat poo.
No heaven for my dog, certainly. He’s gay.
Wha?
It’s something to do with pubes I think.
@Tony it would have to be a St Bernard that welcomes dogs (specific dogs, not the platonic ideal of a dog) to heaven.
In other words, it’ll be a miracle if she ever gets laid.
News junkie
I think she missed a comma here
Is the sudden glut of Silent Koala posts due to him getting the sack?
Sadly not. In fact she is gibbering frantically at me even as I type this.
Religion teacher. Lay Carmelite. Discerning vocation to consecrated virginity in the Catholic Church. Living with disability. INFP. Enneagram type 4 (with a 3 wing). Melancholic-phlegmatic. News junkie. Classic movie lover. Former aspiring Brazilianist. Daughter, sister, friend. Hoping to become a saint.
——————————
Fitter. Happier. More Productive.
And no I don’t know how to do block quotes. I’m not Bill fucking Gates.
Actually Diamantina is wrong about no sex in heaven. I’ve just finished reading Paradise Lost and while still in heaven Satan produces a daughter, Sin, out of his head and he bones her and then she gives birth to Death. Then after the fall Death rapes her every day and their offspring are the Hounds of Hell who live in her bowels and eat her from the inside.
And if John Milton doesn’t know about these things then who does?
@Kelvin
Bastard, I’ve snorted pasta up my nose.
@JAG – Try Ketamine, a cleaner high than pasta and the comedown is less grinding.
Yeah, but they still are shocked by the editorials in The Daily Mail.
Milton knows enough theology to know he has to get around the problem of Satan not being able to create or physically change anything. But you’d think Satan would be firing blanks as well if that was the case. So I’m not sure Milton’s as clever as he thought.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I see through the window that a man dressed entirely in black is knocking on my front door.
In the Rules of Being a Catholic, she’s just wrong, and she can read her Summa Theologicae (Question 75, article 3) if she likes. No debate. St Thomas Aquinas fucking rules that shit.
In fact, we animals are just fine with not having souls. It means we don’t have to spend eternity with you bastard humans.
I was hoping they’d be here: http://tinyurl.com/pyln5
Is St. Peter there to welcome them in? We need to know.
No, St Bernard.
As far as I know (and Bill Clinton’s defense team would undoubtedly back me up here), the shagging of legs does not strictly count as sexual intercourse.
Heaven does not seem such a desireable destination if sexually-frustrated winged angel-dogs are flying around looking for a leg to hump.
Aw, she’s lovely. Can we keep her?
@Valkyrie – come on boy, come on – good dog – fetch your coat
Now I’m going to be wondering about the concept of a “piscine paradise” all afternoon, instead of doing something more important*.
* like I have anything more important to do already. CBeebies is a night shift worker’s best friend.
Diamantina’s missed a very important point here – a large proportion of domestic dogs have been neutered, and, thusly, only these will be permitted to enter the chaste CHRISTIAN heaven, having either never performed the act of sex, or having all motivation removed (literally).
All my dogs are Jewish, except the Pit Bull who’s a Zoroastrian.
How does that circumcision work out for you? Does your vet give you a “Nads And Foreskin Special” at a reduced rate?
In any case, Diamentalina’s grasp of entry to heaven omits to consider whether a doggy (or pussy) has accepted Jesus into its life. Sorry, but without that it’s the eternal fires of hell for Rover and Tiddles. And me, come to think of it.
“All my dogs are Jewish, except the Pit Bull who’s a Zoroastrian”
Bottled it when it came to circumcising the pitbull did you?
Nelson’s picture posts are probably my favourite posts in all of SYB. No wait, joint favourite with BBC complaints log posts (RIP?).
Nelson, I would love to commission some artwork but credentials are important to me. Do you have GCSE Art?
Afraid not.
I reckon I’m actually a genius artist who’s just fallen through the cracks in the system.
You know, the system that nurtures artists and makes sure they make a decent living.
Any fool knows that only shoes have souls.
I’ll get me coat.
I just found this site by stalking someone.
Its fantastic. I think I will stay.
@Fish
Fish (fly-replete, in depth of June,
Dawdling away their wat’ry noon)
Ponder deep wisdom, dark or clear,
Each secret fishy hope or fear.
Fish say, they have their Stream and Pond;
But is there anything Beyond?
This life cannot be All, they swear,
For how unpleasant, if it were!
One may not doubt that, somehow, Good
Shall come of Water and of Mud;
And, sure, the reverent eye must see
A Purpose in Liquidity.
We darkly know, by Faith we cry,
The future is not Wholly Dry.
Mud unto mud! — Death eddies near –
Not here the appointed End, not here!
But somewhere, beyond Space and Time.
Is wetter water, slimier slime!
And there (they trust) there swimmeth One
Who swam ere rivers were begun,
Immense, of fishy form and mind,
Squamous, omnipotent, and kind;
And under that Almighty Fin,
The littlest fish may enter in.
Oh! never fly conceals a hook,
Fish say, in the Eternal Brook,
But more than mundane weeds are there,
And mud, celestially fair;
Fat caterpillars drift around,
And Paradisal grubs are found;
Unfading moths, immortal flies,
And the worm that never dies.
And in that Heaven of all their wish,
There shall be no more land, say fish.
Rupert Brooke
Especially the female dogs.
@Any Rand will do
Fantastic! Almost makes me wish I liked poetry…
Is that woman mental? Dogs and cats don’t go to human heaven! They go to the Rainbow Bridge, according to the poem anyway.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t9QwGJkYisc&feature=related
I feel that Creed really enhances this poem and brings out all the raw emotion of it.
Some dogs can go to heaven. Specifically, those dogs who have embraced Jesus Christ as their personal saviour.
This specially crafted self-assembly joke can be constructed from the words included in the kit and basic household items using a cross-head screwdriver and soldering iron. No special skills are required.
Heaven.
No sheep.
Welsh.
Coat
Vox populi, Vox carnis?
And yea, I shall grant them all huge pencil-drawn cocks.
Mal,
I don’t get it
When fully assembled your joke (with free racial slur included) should look something like
If there’s no sheep in Heaven then it won’t be much of a Heaven for the Welsh.
I’ll get my coat (it’s the fleecy one)
I thought it was worth drawing attention to her follow up, almost equally hilarious.
“Supposedly all the animals in Eden were vegetarian until the Fall of Adam and Eve ruined everything. (Since I am a Christian who accepts the theory of evolution, I see the account of the Fall as a metaphor for the first early humans who were able to tell right from wrong, and did bad things anyway.) Expanding on that tradition, I daresay that if cats go to Heaven, they probably will no longer have the desire to torture mice or birds (or in the case of my cat, also bugs)”
Hooray for the internet. Without the internet, I would never have known that. Without the internet, I never would have had my eyes opened to batshit insane theories of animal ascendancy after death.
Thanks, internet!
Up a little earlier than strictly necessary, I decided that I should go iylismwdyglt hunting down at one of the less popular hunting-grounds – The One Show blog. It is here that people blog about more minor issues than on HYS and also comment about how the show’s guests performed (?!). It was comforting to see that the little-Englander racism that I was counting on didn’t let me down.
Would that be the 1860′s-1890′s?
Sorry, seriously off topic, but this mentalist really gave me a coffee/screen/snort moment.
From HYS ‘are you worried about terrorism n shit’ I bring you Michael.
6 people recommended? 6?
Just think, before the internet, making up bullshit animal heaven theories was the preserve of theosophical scholars and whatever hogtoss they came up with was fodder for lots and lots of serious strokey-beardy consideration by important church people. Now with the democratisation of bullshit all possible animal heaven theories are being revealed as crackpot rubbish. Nietzsche was almost right. God is dead, but I’m pointing the finger at Sir Tim Berners-Lee.
@ That Bloke in the Corner
Your (entirely justifiable) expectations of finding a lot of mental on HYS have actually stopped you from seeing that this one’s got a point.
You’re more likely to die from food poisoning than you are from terrorism. So, if you don’t clean your kitchen (& therefore reduce the risk of getting some nasty bug), why worry about Terrorists?
However, the fact that he posts on HYS at all probably means that he IS a mentalist…
I suppose cleaning his kitchen twice a week does mean he is not likely to have any Jihadist training camps lurking behind the cooker.
But such is the HYS reality vortex that even a quite sensible argument about the statistical probability of dying in a terrorist incident gets mangled into what is, apparently, an angry defence of one man’s OCD.
Umm, not wanting to die of old age just yet should I clean my kitchen less than twice a week or more than twice a week. Please advise.
Nelson, your dog is brilliant. I make no comment about your sexuality, popularity, reclusiveness or anything, just the cartoon.
Say it ain’t so!
Any Rand will do,
Quoting Rupert Brooke is the last resort of the scoundrel. Never again.
JR,
Since I am a Christian who accepts the theory of evolution, I accept that carnivores were carnivores, and didn’t magically become carnivores just because some people ate some fruit. That’s just silly. As are a lot of people who also claim to be Christians.
Kelvin,
You not only rule, but you rule benignly…
Mal is master at spotting logic flaws. Kudos.
You should also clean your buttocks twice a week. Coincidence? I think not.
There’s only one animal that can resolve this animal-soul question – Gobbler! What happened to him? Is he dead? Should we have a seance and ask him where he is?
woof, woof, wag, wag, wag
Well said, Gobbler. You should tell whatever the fuck her name was that. That’ll sort her out.
the platonic ideal would be a dogecagon, no?
yes, yes, i know the drill. and yes, i have been working on that joke all weekend.
I agree with Joy577! Poor people suck and so do their supermarkets. They should stick to stores like Lo-Cost and Kwik-Save, where standards of illiteracy are conscientiously upheld in order to foster a sense of community.