Thanks to Mark for this one.
Sometimes, its hard to make sense of world events. What chance of impartial analysis when the same bunch of red-faced gout-sufferers own the government, the supermarkets and the newspapers? How do you know that the uncle of the proprietor of the rag you’re reading isn’t the brother-in-law of the woman who just bought Klumpyschitz Logistics GmbH from Herr Wotsisface for thrumpty million Peruvian florins?
So, now we hear that Cadbobbly is being bought by Kraftycheeses, what effect is this going to have on you? Where do you turn for insight and analysis? That’s right, you turn to the web-gnomes of Have Your Say.
Is the Cadbury deal sweet enough?
This COULD explain why a compaint I made about finding a “foreign body” in a tin of Cadburys Hot Chocolate was not taken up by North Lanark`s Environmental Health nor any reply received to the photos I sent by e-mail to Cadbury just the other day ?
Obviously North Lanark Council bowed to pressure put on them not to cause any trouble during negotians and Cadbury have been too busy with other things to reply , maybe just leave it to Kraft ?
[tomfer]
Yeah, give em a chance. Things are pretty mental this week. Poor Mr. Cadbury’s been desperately negotiating TUPE shit with the Oompa-Loompas and trying to find someone to feed the Cadbury’s Creme Hens. He’s barely had time to stir the chocolate machine, let alone open his post.
85 Responses to “Too Busy For Tomfer”
thirst
To be fair, the “foreign bodies” he found in his hot chocolate were the corpses of several American shareholders of Kraft who went mysteriously missing on a trip to Bournville. Only [tomfer] knows the truth, and he’s desperately fighting an international conspiracy of chocolatiers to get it to the people.
Little does he know this one goes all the way to the top… of the North Lanark Council Environmental Health Department.
Oh, but who says Have Your Say is just a useless forum for venting racist flatulence onto. Sometimes, it GETS THE JOB DONE:
Fearless journalism at Auntie, getting to the very heart of the Military-Industrial-Binman complex.
Or maybe the customer service blods at Cadbury’s just laughed their arses off at the blurred picture of a lump of slightly congealed cocoa from the bottom of the tin, before throwing Tomfer’s letter in the bin.
No, he’s completely right… a global conspiracy is far more likely.
Twatbasket.
Maybe he’s refering to “THE KRAFT”. See, it’s those freemason fuckers and the NEW wORLD oDOUR!!! OH. i seem to have done a wee.
Maybe part of his problem is that its called “North Lanarkshire Council”, and not “North Lanark Council”. I think “tomfer” has bigger issues to deal with if he doesn’t even know the name of the public body to forward all his chocolate-related grievances to.
I bet Cadbury also put pressure on his council to stop gritting his street because he was such a whiney douchebag.
His complaint was probably ignored as pictures of decapitated cream eggs with someones jizz spurted into it, do not actually constitute a ‘foreign body’ find, now if he found Bin Laden hiding in there, that would be another story.
Bin Laden prefers Terry’s chocolate so it’s unlikely you will find him in a Cadbury’s Creme Egg (why can’t they spell cream properly?).
Bloody foreign bodies, coming over and stealing our chocolate…
And it was Alan Clark’s jizz, wasn’t it?
Oh no, my fault. I misread it as “Diary Milk”.
[/sells coat to USA conglomerate]
@ Oaf – perhaps because it’s not your actual cream per se? They’re probably not allowed under the trade descriptions act or somesuch…
Anyway it’s nice to find a moomin who is convinced that their local council have it in for them – makes a refreshing change from the usual breath-taking incompetence
Pedro, perhaps you don’t realise this, but everyone in NORTH LANARKSHIRE calls the council ‘North Lanark Council’. Or ‘the twats’ for short. Maybe if you like it so much there (North LANARK) you should go live there?
Also, there was a slightly sweet smell from some of the grit I noticed in NORTH LANARK in the last month, so I would not be surprised if Cadburys had a hand in there somewhere…
Please think about what you’re saying before you post here Pedro, this site depends on the accuracy of the commenters.
Gracias.
*points and sniggers at Tomasz* The Accuracy Police have arrived, run!
Oh god. Found this while flicking through [tomfer]‘s profile (it’s kind of like rooting through the dustbins of a sperm bank, only instead of porn, there’s planning application flyers and tax returns).
Which has just put me in mind of a grumpy racist couple indulging in cybersex over Have Your Say. Help.
Slightly related:
During the recent snow, did anyone notice theat old people like to clear an 18″ wide section of pavement from their gate to the kerb?
What exactly is this for and for whose benefit?
“there was a slightly sweet smell from some of the grit I noticed”
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phantosmia
@Fish
Phantom senses! How dare you! My smelling is fine!
And Pirate Pete – is that you Pedro? Masquerading as a Somalian to hide your intellectual inadequacies?!
Actually, mollases is often added to grit to help it adhere to the road surface, which would explain the smell. And no, I’m not Pedro – I am Pirate Pete, Scourge of the Sexy Seamen!
Molasses? My apologies, Tomasz. That’s not something they do round here [it's more likely to be pigshit].
“…everyone in NORTH LANARKSHIRE calls the council ‘North Lanark Council’.”
I didn’t know that. Why do they do that? All of Lanark (including the northern part) is in South Lanarkshire, so it makes no sense.
I don’t trust people from North Lanarkshire.
I understand his frustration.
Have you ever had a dream in which you’re dreaming you’re having a wet dream, but then you wake up and you’re in the library and you’ve pissed yourself again?
He wrote to the council about it but nobody cared.
@Chris
I’ve never had THAT dream, but I did have one where I had some important work to do but kept on getting distracted by this site.
In the dream, I kept telling myself (and everyone else): “I’ll have it done in like 6 weeks…” but…. I dunno, it just never seemed to come together. (this was a long dream btw) Then suddenly I woke up and discovered that I was actually a disgruntled submariner from Port Glasgow. SHIT! Then I woke up again and realised that I should probably stop wanking in the library – in case my narcolepsy kicks in.
You bastard Chris!
I’ve just tidied my desk and snorted tea and custard creams all over it!
I was going to give Chris the typical congratulatory tea snorting reference, but Ceannair just beat me to it.
Also, I’m sorry to keep spamming the thread with [tomfer]‘s past posts*, but this one popped up and… well:
So that’s why there’s no sensible conversation on HYS, eh? Who’d have thought it?
* Not actually sorry.
He is a proper hornet’s hamburger, methinks. And far too old to be using “lol” as much as he does.
As If-you-like-its are in vogue at the moment, here’s one from tomfer just last week.
And just before that he went Godwin twice on the subject of packed lunches.
tomfer’s attitude to child protection on-line can be carried easily enough in to the real world.
“No-one forced him to get in to the back of the van to look at my puppies your honour. And to be honest once he was there he was a bit of a nuisance until the chloroform kicked in.”
sorry to butt in, but this HYS thread about last night’s question time made me weep
what is the collective noun for ‘a fuck load of ‘if you like it so much…’ comments’?
http://newsforums.bbc.co.uk/nol/thread.jspa?sortBy=2&forumID=7433&edition=1&ttl=20100122131802&#paginator
and how many ways did *you* think it was possible to spell burka? well think again.
Some classic Adair from that thread…
Did I miss something? I didn’t realise Richard Madeley had direct input into Government policy?
To be (slightly) fair (I swear it won’t happen again!) burka is taken from Arabic. Most of the spellings there (burkha, burqa, burqua, burkah) are perfectly valid alternative transliterations. Berker is just stupid though.
Look lads I don’t want to panic anyone, but our old compadre Dennis Junior has actually TYPED SOMETHING WITHOUT BEING FIRST ASKED A QUESTION:
Does this herald Armageddon or something ??
Only used by berks.
Is it me, or has dan kind of missed the point of civil rights a bit?
People always forget the sartorial problems that come with social deprivation.
Its always for the low income single parents who when are on telly all have lcd tellys and leather suits !! 50% childcare for all not just singles !
Louise Gore, Leicester
Recommended by 0 people
I know the problem. You can’t move in our area for all the people dresses like Tom Jones and Seal circa 1990.
Thank you, Your Foot Hurts (like Your Highness?),for finding what must be the platonic ideal of a Have Your Say post. Massive misunderstanding of history, Godwin’s law, IYLISMWDYGLT, blazing holes in their logic, etc. Shame they couldn’t work ComuNU Liebore or Boredom Clown in there though.
Sod his gooble coming out of his cakehole, what really does my head in is his stupid and wrong use of commas
Damn! Full stop failure.
Is it just me or does ‘Negotians’ sound like a particularly boring race of alien arbitration specialists from a cosmically dull episode of Star Trek?
“why if the burker can be worn in shopping centers then why are hoodies not allowed? . As always there is a rule for us and a rule for them. As said before when in Rome. If they were a terorist how could people discribe them. If there are no hoods or hats or helmets then there should be no burkers
kathy g, thurrock
—————-
Personally I love the idea of a group of “burkers” running around Bluewater happy-slapping and stealing your mobile.
Berkers! ROFL! What a Chapped Chihuahua’s Berkley Hunt…
Given that Kathy is from Thurrock, home of Lakeside Shopping Centre, I suspect she may have some vested interest in raising the plight of Essex-based hoodies.
I think the original post should be filed under Delusions Of Grandeur, by the way, as [tomfer] really does seem to believe that his bogey in the bottom of his cocoa tin could have potentially scuppered the corporate ambitions of Kraft.
So he’s married, then? Imagine the ceremony!
“Do you, Dennis, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?”
“[Yes I do take this woman to be my lawfully wedded wife.]
=Dennis Junior=”
Around hear the look is all Delirious-era Eddie Murphy and the Dapper Dan suits sported on album covers by the likes of Eric B and Rakim or Ultramagnetic MCs.
Here in Cambridgeshire we kick it old school. It’s Elvis Comeback Special or nothing.
TAXI!!!!!!
DennisJunior still can’t quite depart from a predefined structure. He has reiterated the subjects that were discussed on the programme anyway. However, we may be watching babysteps towards a full-on gush of reckon.
@Chris
I can’t say this has ever happened to me but I intend to ask the husband this question tonight, as soon as I have handed him a drink and before I give him the remote. From all the tea-snorting reported earlier I understand that getting the timing right will be crucial – the smell of beer can linger terribly if you get it on the sofa, I have found.
Maybe this explains the “foreign body” in tomfers hot chocolate
There’s some quality spelling in that thread. No-one’s quite managed the holy trinity of spelling errors that make up “burkers should be band in this cuntery”, but there’ve been some mighty close calls…
What!? Roland is making my head hurt very, very much.
Too many berkers in this cuntery, that’s the problem…
Great, now I have a mental image of Burke and Hare as yobs.
My Grandfather didn’t fight the last world war so people could wear burkhas. Then again he was German, so…
These days I’m not even bothering to take it off.
Mal’s Malfeasance Foundation is offering a small prize* to the first person who gets the word ‘cuntery’ past the HYS mods under the guise of bad spelling.
*Prize to be collected in person. Terms and conditions apply.
I’d like to combine [tomfer]‘s tossery with the opposing view, if I may. This is what tomfer thinks is the cause of the downfall of society. I’ve highlighted the parts that made me soil myself laughing:
Yes, I remember when the Running Man Act 2006 came into force, and I was forced to bareknuckle box my dad in a ring composed of giant spikes and razor wire. Terrible day, it was, but I did win, even if they faked the other result to keep the masses down and I then had to run through a gritty sub-city to escape the men who were enlisted to ensure that justice was finally served by my death. I mean, that’s the end result of this Labour government.
And here’s That would be telling, who gives us a fucking brilliant reason why government policies are working – they stop people like That would be telling breeding. Although I’m thinking the godawful smell, semi-retardation and complete and utter lack of any personality do the job just as well.
I found a Muslim in my cocoa and Kraft had it sent to Guantanamo Bay. I really don’t see the issue here.
Do Kraft make Krispy Kremes? And Krusty the Klown?
Obviously “That would be telling” is having trouble saving up for his mail order bride.
On the other hand looking at his profile maybe he’s an aadvark’s anthrax ridden anus
Do you think you know what Radical Islamism really means? Are you quite sure you understand the clash of civilisations and what is about to happen very soon? Do you even care, or is your rationale ‘not in my lifetime, too far away to worry about’?
There are six and a half billion people on this planet, all wanting to light a fart….Burrca Gent
From the ‘One toe on my pathway and you’re dead darkie’ thread:
“Added: Friday, 22 January, 2010, 22:38 GMT 22:38 UK
What dis-appoints me is the number of people who want to opt out of a REAL decision by politicians -who have allowed the law to slip to the ludicrous position – that everyone has a right to defend themselves in whatever way is appropriate. None of this rubbish about various levels of re-action. If anyone enters your “space” without your permission eg. your house , you kill him if need be. NO ifs or buts. Otherwise one gets sued for brain-damege.and allowing the person to commit credit ard fraud.
Cyril Richardson, Walsall
Recommended by 3 people”
IT MAKES SENSE PEOPLE!! ‘Cos you wouldn’t get sued for killing someone.
I killed the gas man that entered my property this morning after I wanted some chips last thing at night then forgot cos I was too pissed, and just left the gas on for 6 hours.
I was within my rights.
PS. Why the hyphen? It’s intriguing me….
Listen, it’s very kind of you to try and save us the bother, but it’s kind of a policy of ours to go and find stupid comments to take the piss out of, rather than rely on delivery.
Another from the Question Time topic:
Yep, the idea of politicians or lawyers drafting our laws disgusts me. The question is, who should rewrite it, PJW? Children’s TV presenters? The PC Brigade? Or how about a panel of HYSers? The spelling would be interesting if nothing else.
Kelvin, I think you’ll find that our anagrammatic friend Burrca has a source in this sorry case.
Ah. Well, as my friends in the East End like to remind me, this time I look like a proper Cager Brunt.
Hmmm, speaking of whom….
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/debate/debatesearch/debateUserSearch.html?user=2738039
He’s a minx, isn’t he, reviewing his own books! Mind you, I bet Dreamworks felt suitably put in their place, after that witty little response.
He really is his own worst enemy as a self-publicist.
Gahhhh..
If they love Cadburys so much, why don’t they go live there?
We do. But now the forrins are coming over and literally taking all our jobs, while simultaneously claiming all the benefits they can. FACT.
YOU COULDN’T MAKE IT UP.
Insolicted, really and he wonders why he is unsuccessful as a writer?
‘A Very Dirty Business’. This is a very amusing title. Surely Cugar is a Dr Terrible’s House of Horrible tribute act.
You may well mock but it got two five-star reviews on Amazon,soitmust actually be really, really good.
Amazon’s T&Cs state “You may not use a false e-mail address, impersonate any person or entity, or otherwise mislead as to the origin of any content.” Just sayin’.
Our production department have noticed that a small number of copies of the previous submission may have failed to contain the requisite number of spaces between some words due to a defective space-bar in one of out factories.
If affected please telephone our customer services who will be happy to place you on hold for a minimum of thirty minutes before insisting that it’s your computer at fault.
Mal, looks like the “r” key may be a bit dodgy too…
Saw this as part of Cuger’s amazon review.
3 of 14 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars A Very Dirty Business.
Do you think the other 11 people were looking for some specalist porn.
The Amazon review saying “Really scary and prophetic” is pretty similar, but at least spelt correctly this time….
It is published by “PublishAmerica” as far as I can tell: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/PublishAmerica so I’m not sure how much of an acheivement that isbn is….
The other review describes it as an “exiting read”. Does that involve evacuating yourself thereby creating your own little “dirty bomb”?
80% weren’t as good as the Cugester. I’d love to read those (or at least bits).
Atlanta Nights sounds especially promising. It wasn’t rejected.
burkha should be band if you were in their countery you would have to go by their rules or suffer they consequences ,
sara hensey, redcar
The big three spellings, recommended by a staggering 13 people. 13 people read that and thought it was a measured and accurate response, to the extent that they would actively recommend it.
but then they did publish the manuscript that consisted of the same 30 pages repeated ten times….
Couldnt Bragger Cunt manage more than 48 pages?
Near miss there, Sara. If only you’d have left that ‘o’ out of ‘countery’ you’d have won the prize.
But oddly enough, she spelled “consequences” correctly. Do you think she managed to spell “dictionary” well enough for Google to suggest where she should be going?
One from the ‘Is indie music dying’ http://newsforums.bbc.co.uk/nol/thread.jspa?forumID=7429&edition=1&ttl=20100125080347
Were the mod’s asleep on this one?
burkha should be band
Verily
[quote]What no quotes?[/quote]
Damned internets