Thanks to my mate Nic for finding this one.
The Democratisation of Eastern Europe was part of my Peace Plan that I put to Mikhail Gorbachev in order to get the US interesed in an end to the Cold War. My Plan worked and we are still here, I find it insulting that people to this day say that it was people power that democratised Eastern Europe, I put a lot of work into my Plan.
Andrew Kadir-Buxton
Along with most of the rest of the internet, we’ve featured Kadir-Buxton before but, if you happened to miss that one, and you haven’t already encountered him yourself, you’re probably sitting there right now shaking your head and assuming that Andrew Kadir-Buxton must be taking the piss.
Rest assured, he’s not. He’s endearingly, genially mental. Completely and utterly hatstand. He believes he’s some kind of genius inventor who spends his time studying either mental illness or, for a bit of light relief, fannies. Once he’s had a good think about the subject’s fanny and/or illness, he comes up with a “solution”. The solution is always the same and involves slapping the poor fucker round the face.
I’m also fairly convinced that, whenever he’s not slapping someone or cheerily assaulting their growler, he’s watching the news and failing to distinguish between “things that happened somewhere in the world today” and “things that Andrew Kadir-Buxton accomplished today”.
What I love about him is that, unlike the rest of the miserable, turdy croutons floating in the HYS battysoup, he actually seems really happy. I guess I would be too if my entire world, replete with fannies, cancer cures and face-slapping, was rendered in glorious Dobly five-point-wonkavision.
Anyway. Make sure you’ve got a half hour spare, make yourself a cuppa or something and head over to http://www.kadir-buxton.com for a bit of whirly-brained incomprehensibasket.
WARNING: Although the “K-B Fertility Treatment” page is highly amusing in places, it’s pretty fucking hard work and gave me an awful pain in my fallopian tubes. I’ve gone cross-legged again just thinking about it.
99 Responses to “Actually Real”
I would have loved to have seen the summit meeting with K-B and Gorby.
Would lemonade and lesbians be involved and how was Gorby’s fallopian tubes afterwards. People power,no,the way to overturn a communist government can only be the Kadir-Buxton way.
I can thoroughly recommend his “Two treatments for migraines” page.
Especially where a typo leads him to say “To stop a margarine attack one need only have the Kadir-Buxton Method used on the patient”.
(Possibly) Second!
At least this has made the mystery of Gorbachev’s livid birthmark clear – it’s actually a scar from the Kadir-Buxton method gone wrong. Could happen to anyone in the early days of working out that a slap can cure all mankind’s ills.
Okay, third. Arsebuckets.
The man’s clearly a selfish bastard. If he had any sense of common decency he’d have been on the first plane to Port-au-Prince to bring some of the many thousands of dead back to life by stamping on them.
Amongst the other things listed on his ‘CV’ are;
The Labour Party Red Rose Logo
The Irish Labour Party Red Rose Logo
The Labour Party Credit Card
The Irish Labour Party Credit Card
Tony Blair and Gordon Brown going on the Campaign Trail together in the 2005 General Election
and superbly,
Bottle Banks, as put to Harold Wilson
Brilliant.
I’m wondering if Andy got his idea for the dead man kickstart from the funny little stamp you so often see professional footballers inflict on their floored opponents.
You know, when they think no-one in the stadium of 30,000 people, with the 10 TV cameras pointed at them or the 10m people watching at home are looking.
He was also the first 2-year-old to carry a grand piano to the summit of Mt Everest.
Classic Andy available over at the Express.
I was wondering if there was any more mileage in AK-B, having seen the quoted post up there before a few different times, but apparently his insanity is a bit like what happens after you pass the event horizon in a rotating black hole. On a push bike.
Wonder if he has anything to say about black holes?
You Kadir-Buxton black holes, as proposed to Tony Benn in 1976.
Insert this where it seems appropriate:
“mean”
The British Space Administration drinking game is class.
While we’re revisiting old familiar mentaljobs, I see Neil Craig currently has a picture of some naked children at the top of his page. Purely to illustrate a serious scientific commentary, of course.
La Spesh
… fuck it, thought I’d be first to come up with that… bloody GMT, well done!
@Jesus
I quite liked:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y4OosFHsjjo
…but cannot find the Alan Partridge version
Wooo.. automatic link, smart!
Has anybody read his “Kadir-Buxton Jump-Start method”?
In it, he advises that a heart can be restarted by stamping hard enough (shoed or barefoot) on the ribs of the recently-deceased (within the last 26 minutes) corpse that it’s ribs are broken. This will resuscitate the corpse as it’s brain is kicked into life by previously unfelt levels of pain.
This isn’t a joke, by the way.
I can’t find it either. Never mind.
Reading Neil Craig’s blog is like having a monkey wanking into my eyes.
We all know of the endless gifts AKB has brought forth for a grateful humanity, but how does he come up with his miraculous ideas?
[blockquote]Learning logic and then thinking logically takes time and patience but an increase in IQ brings with it an increase in the ability to solve everyday problems which is socially useful. An IQ of over 150 brings with it the bonus of being able to invent which can be economially useful.
I always tell people that the best way of learning logic is to study and analyse the character Mr Spock in ‘Star Trek.’ Further studies can be of Ancient Greeks such as Plato. [/blockquote]
And there I was assuming that in some way Plato was more important than Spock. What a fucking idiot I am; no way I have an IQ capable of producing economially useful inventions like a multi-purpose slap round the head.
[cockquote]
When a Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick isn’t enough, you need the K-B Method.
I just read Neil Craig on Karl Popper, climate change and quantum physics.
There are benefits to a university education. I think one of them is being able to know what the fuck you’re talking about.
[Blockquote]There has been a recent interest by the Government in knife related crimes. Using only a martial art cross block a knife can be taken off an attacker with ease. Similarly, Elvis Presley used to show ways developed to disarm attackers armed with guns.[/Blockquote]
Stunning.
Thank you! Another loony to keep me entertained at work.
@Jesus Chris’s Chin, most of us went to well respected universities (if indeed we went) but Neil’s University of Scrotum allows him to talk knowledgeably about bollocks. He got a first in bollockology, and a Phd in internet whining.
Does anyone know if he is actually factually for real? Not ‘did he really do all that amazing stuff with economy 7, fallopian tubes and kicking dead people when they are down’, obviously, but is he really a complete and utter mental, or is he just taking the piss? I mean, Elvis self-defence lessons? Surely no-one is actually that completely and utterly batshit crazy? Elvis couldn’t defend himself from the contentsof his own colon.
This guy is actually batshit crazy!
I’ll be having nightmares about meeting this fellow at a busstop for months now.
I’m sure everyone has their own Kadir Buxton story.
His views on unemployment are particularly enlightening:
You know what I think? I think mad people should all be given free access to the internet to live out their fantasies online (erm… not in the paedo way or anything).
In some strange way I think that insantily+teh interwebs=fulfillment. Andrew strikes me as harmless and completely happy by virtue of his web access!
I can’t believe that he’s genuine – my brain refuses to accept that anyone can be quite that mental. But I figure even if it’s all fiction, it’s still hilarious.
Is the bloke who believed that BBC newsreaders were spying on him still around, or had he been granted a merciful death yet?
Kadir-Buxton’s got nuthin’. If you want to see the ramblings of a REAL wack-a-doo, head over to:
http://pages.123-reg.co.uk/sumon-262452/youtheymeuk/index.html
Once you’ve been touched by the Total Genius, you’ll be bawling for the relative sanity of Kadir-Buxton. Word to the Wise: read everything he’s got to say. EVERYTHING. An astonishing image will emerge. Like a kind “Magic Eye” picture of the inner workings of Ted Bundy’s mind.
Here’s a couple of extracts, to show you what you’ve been missing:
Remember where you heard this first…
Andy K-B is quite clearly an incarnation of guru to gurus and wielder of the now-legendary stout stick, Hugo Artemis Rune and I claim my £5.
RUNE!!!
@Slow Reader
Yeah! How come??? YOU’RE NOT ANSWERING THE QUESTIONS.
@ Inspectre Hovis: That’s IT! If people only knew just how pervasive this man’s influence is:
@ Slow Reader
I can’t work out if the “Enquiry”
http://pages.123-reg.co.uk/sumon-262452/youtheymeuk/id15.html
Where he reveals the Diana inquiry/murder to be a plot using Carry On actors & Hercule Poirot,(I shit you not)is somthing he’s written him self or has taken from someone else. If it’s the former then you have uncovered a comdey genius.
Feck arse typo!
Like others, I have my doubts about KB’s bona fides as a genuine nut-job, despite Nelson’s insistence. But he reminds me more of Flann O’Brien’s fictional crackpot scientist De Selby..
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/De_Selby
(can’t do embedded links :sadface:)
@ Marx & Parx: I wondered the same thing myself. I suspect it’s his own work. It’s just too weird to be the work of anyone else.
And don’t forget: he can do EVERYTHING better than anyone else, so creating a comic featuring the Carry On cast would be an absolute doddle for him….
Oh….the embed worked! Fuck me..
Fantastic! It’s like Baron Munchausen brought to life.
So what’s an unconventional war? Does K-B want our soldiers still sent out to Iraq, but armed only with Super-Soakers and that thing that drops gunge on people from every 90s kids show ever?
Mr Kadir-Buxton is a genuine indigenous loon. I believe that he hails from the Milton Keynes area, but he seems to appear all over that part of the world. I have searched BBC quite hard (ooeerr mrs) as there was an excellent bit on the Bedford local news about him and wind farms, but the zanuLiabore BBC have hidden it from me.
Forget the usual liblabcon election vote Kadir-Buxton for genuine change and damn good slapping.
I think he’s saying we should be terrorists.
The definition of awesome.
Literally.
On the verge of calling Poe, with the only problem is that no one who plays Poe ever does it with their own money.
There is not a hope in hell of AK-B being a ‘real’ nut-job.
Which really, truly is such a shame.
Sorry to get all serious again, but at what point does all this become mocking the afflicted?
Kadir-Buxton has an inflated ego and plans to slap, stamp or grope the world into shape – so he’s probably fair game. Same goes for anyone shouting “I told ‘em, but did they listen, did they bollocks” about the recession/earthquakes/swine flu/the footie/the second coming.
But the people who genuinely think there’s a conspiracy to humiliate them (individually, not just as tax-paying white blokes) – we probably shouldn’t be deliberately adding to their paranoia.
Slow reader… this bloke is absolutely mentalist – his police complaint is just bizarre:
http://pages.123-reg.co.uk/sumon-262452/youtheymeuk/id9.html
It goes on and on
Erm… just wondered whether anyone else had noticed that under the instructions for his ‘Resuscitation Method’ he calls it:
“the Kadir-Buxton Jump Start (formerly Buxton Jump Start)”
Now… whilst I realise that assumption if the mother of all cock-ups… doesn’t a formally single surname changing to a double-barrelled surname suggest that someone may have married this guy?
@ Slow Reader:
Maybe this explains why Brown has become so unpopular.
Sweet suffering fuck:
http://pages.123-reg.co.uk/sumon-262452/youtheymeuk/id20.html
The best bit about his police complaint
Nuts!
Searching K-B’s site for pure, untarnished nuggets of stupid is a little like carpet bombing a barrel full of fish. But I particularly loved this gem, on the subject of digging geothermal wells:
Extrapolation FAIL.
I’m glad some of you are familiarising yourselves with his police complaint, because I suspect that whole incident was the catalyst for him doing the website in the first place.
Apropos of yesterday’s post.
No – the best bit is the celebrity big brother one – amazing
At least his local paper recognises his greatness. This one involves drilling a supermassive hole in the ground to get unlimited energy. All based on the scientific principle “the deeper you dig, the hotter it gets”.
http://www.bournelocal.co.uk/news/Inventor-claims-he-can-save.1983189.jp
This one is quite poetic. From an online petition about social stigma and mental illness:
“Much mental illness is caused by poor sleep. You can improve sleep patterns and length by using an oil burner to heat salt water in your bedroom at night. It is like sleeping at the seaside when the wind is coming in from the sea.”
OK own up, which one of you set up the A.K.B appreciation society on facebook?
http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=18033809480
His petition to garner support for having the Kadir-Buxton Method used in NHS hospitals doesn’t seem to have gone quite as planned.
And don’t forget his petition to the government:
http://petitions.number10.gov.uk/K-BMethod/
With lots of real signatories, too.
@ Slow Reader
You have unearthed a goldmine:
What is he on? If he is responsible for everything that is going on in the world and knows everything, I think we should find him and slap him, Kadir-Buxton stylee…
It the Kadir-Buxton kick start something to do with putting corpses on trailbikes or am I confused?
Kadir-Buxton also posts on the Guardian:
http://www.guardian.co.uk/users/redroseandy
It’s the sheer quantity and the often tedious attention to detail that suggests they’re not satirists or pranksters.
That Enquiry comic, though, seems too wry to be the work of a bonkers-savant and is inconsistent with his delusions of reference.
Wipes bubble fluid from pipe and slips it into front pocket.
The jump start/kickstart vaguely reminds me of a technique I saw in a book on hapkido a while back. It advocated thumping someone quite hard between the shoulderblades to get them breathing again. Mind, it also warned against hitting too hard…
Said book also contained something far more amusing: two methods for “testicle revival” (to be used when someone’s had their danglers kicked up into their pelvis), one of which – I kid you not – consisted of sitting the afflicted person down, placing your hands on their shoulders and “lightly” kicking them in the sacrum. Apparently this helps jolt the testicles down. Sounds about as mental as the kickstart, and only slightly more pleasant to the patient. (Of course, I can’t say whether being kicked in the tailbone is worse than having your bollocks kicked up into your pelvis, mostly because I don’t have testicles.)
Yes, I was wondering whether Andy was more like Reed Richards or Adrian Veidt. His martial arts expertise, and the fact he has a method named after him, would favour the latter.
Youtheyme, however, is everyone out of Heroes, apparently.
@St Pancreas
The Kadir-Buxton version of this maneuver would involve urethral entry up to the forearm followed by a basketball player’s downward slap. Any discomfort may be relieved with vigorous buttock-battering.
Favourite moments from AKB’s career:
“Finally, the patient should be taken to hospital as soon as possible as there is a reason for them dying in the first place, which should be treated.”
“All I then had to do was wait until I came across a dead body, and the rest is history.”
Incidentally, shamefully, AKD hails from the same town as I do. Even more shamefully, I see that the local paper of my former hometown once wrote an article about his which described him as a “local boffin”. I think they must have stupid in the water. At least since I left.
I’m a bit less comfortable about the Youtheyme stuff. Sounds suspiciously like someone with proper, unfunny paranoid delusions. And unlike AKD, their lunacy does not make them a happy bunny.
Off the “achievements” section of andy’s CV:
“‘Michael Foot,’ the HIV Destroying Machine which prolongs the life of sufferers “
I meant AKB, obviously.
Actually insane perhaps? I used to think the ‘contributors’ were harmless oddballs, but this guys website makes me think I might have been wrong.
Who’d've guessed that paranoid schizophrenia would be soooooo entertaining?
There is serious mental illness there, I think. That comic is fine work though. Might be his own, he mentions somewhere that he left college and couldn’t make it as a painter.
Spike Milligan was a comic genius who could go mildly off his rocker occasionally. Nowhere near as bad as that Youtheyme guy though.
Hmmmm….the Youtheyme chap does have a few kangaroos loose in his top paddock, but for truly batshit conspiracy theories I always go to this astonishing site
Calm down. A K-B isn’t real. He is a humorous creation. Nelson is clever, so I think he knows this. I think Nelson is testing you. I also think that most of the commenters haven’t passed this test (unless they were being hyper-ironic??).
A K-B ISN’T A RE A-L PERSON
Regular twat?
I’m choosing to believe he’s real. I like to think that someone really believes all this.
@the_voice_of_reason – now there’s a domain name which could have been more carefully thought out – I mean, “madcowtouristinfo” might make someone think it’s about BSE when in fact it’s a travel journal written by a mad cow.
I got halfway down the first page and had to stop to take more medication. And wipe the tea off my screen.
@The Voice of Reason. Hoooooooo she’s well gone. She reckons Adolf and Ewa Hitler live in her shithorse town under the names of Stanley and Jean…
Medication rhymes with dedication, which was the song that Roy Castle used to sing on Record Breakers, which was a show on BBC1, which rhymes with gone, which is what happens to you according to the Western world when you’ve been renditioned. That makes sense.
I think Sumon is right. You they me us everywhere.
By the way, having read this, I think that Sumon is actually properly schizophrenic. Word-compounding, rhyming, alliteration, assonance…
…winner. Genuine winner, who needs his thorazine.
I’m definitely going to get some T-Shirts printed with the slogan “I believe Andy Kadir-Buxton is real!” with a photograph of said visionary emblazoned on the front.
And @Mal, personally I think it’s more likely to turn to be a brussel sprout…
@ TheSloth you clearly haven’t been following the plot closely enough – apparently our dear Andy convinced a lovely asian lady with the surname Kadir to marry him
I guess, as there’s always a solid core of unimaginative types who don’t even believe the HYS lot are for real, it’s not surprising there’s doubt about dear old Andy. Normally I’m happy to let it go. I don’t want to be the cunt who forces you to confront the awful reality. With Andy though, it’s different. A world with Andy in it is better, not worse.
Your hypothesis appears to be that he’s a comic genius who wrote one properly, laugh-out-loud hilarious website and then decided to throw everyone off the scent by pretending to be a real bloke who enjoys boring the internet shitless about nothing in particular, every day, month in, month out, for years.
Mine is that he’s a real, live, happy, glorious, human nutcase.
William of Occam says you’re a boring shit and that he’d rather spend eternity stuck in a lift with RedRoseAndy than an evening in the pub with you.
Nelson, if we ever have a get-together of SYB contributors, I want you to guarantee that Andy Kadir-Buxton and his wonderful lady wife will be guests of honour – I’d love to buy that man a pint (and a Babycham for the missus)
Oh, God.
What worries me more is how the fuck you lot find these sites. Have you got nothing better to do?
Actually, I’m lying. AKB has managed to find at least two corpses to stamp on. I think that worries me a little more.
Oh shit.
I just realised there is something more important I have to do.
Wipe my arse.
I’m with Schrödinger and his hypothetical cat with regard to this. He’s both a hermetic fantasist and a dedicated, obsessive joker until the box gets opened.
Either way though, he is not normal.
I copied & pasted that in a random Comment Is Free thread.
Neil, you don’t have to hide behind pseudonyms. We all know you’re a silent fan, along with john Adair and 1984ReturnsForReal.
We also all know you’re a crabby little ball-hair. But we love you, in a way. The kind of way that makes people want to euthanise dying pets so they don’t mess up the carpet and cost a fortune in vet’s bills, but that’s still a way.
@ Ceannair
To be fair though, the Youtheyme guy does make some reasonable points:
On the Royal family
On James Bond
It’s just that, like a new undergrad attempting a little too hard to bring all their brilliant thoughts about the classics seamlessly into one essay, the way he ties it all toether is proper distilled mental.
The Enquiry comic strip is hilarious! I love the Poirot appearance on page 5… I can’t believe a schizophrenic paranoid obsessive who hangs around public places taking clandestine photos of young women created that.
Actually this is Neil Craig – so obvious it pains me to point out:
Do I win a holiday in Greece?
AKB’s opinions on religion are pretty awesomely weird too. Take from one of his Guardian comments:
“I can only speak for Christians but I did not become a Christian because of stress, but because following the way Jesus Christ lived is the best way we have devised. Being a Born Again Christian actually increases stress as Satan wants us dead one way or another. You should see how the ex-family reacts when you give all your money to the poor, it is well worth doing.”
I like how he tries to make it sound like he used science and logic to determine that Christianity is the best.
It could be old work. Highly creative people are no less prone to delusional behaviour or mental breakdowns than anyone else (possibly more so). He might be off his meds for some reason. The “photos of young women” thing looks to be more about an obsession with being constantly followed and observed than sexual deviancy. Hope the poor sod gets some treatment.
Finally, I have found a suitable pseudonym. Thankyou to youtheyme for this moment of inspiration…
I am, and remain
Camp Potato Male
I reckon he’s real. There are definitely people that crazy out there – I used to work for an MP (don’t worry, I got better) and this rather amiable bloke kept phoning up to say he’d invented something to solve all the world’s energy problems. Apparently you needed to drill a hole down to the Earth’s core and pump seawater in, and the heat would somehow split the water into hygrogen and oxygen which could be recombined to produce electricity. We gave him details of how to patent the invention but he said he didn’t want to do it because the patent office would steal it.
Fuck me, do you think I was talking to the man himself?
Sounds scarily likely
You mean we are actually in the presence of someone who may have heard His voice with their very ears? We are not worthy.
As we can see from Andy’s facebook appreciation society, words cannot accommodate his genius.
http://www.facebook.com/group.php?v=app_2373072738&gid=18033809480