Thanks to Samantha for finding this chap, who seems a little bitter about being dumped. I reckon he should count his blessings. At least he got his winkle wet once or twice. Chances of finding anyone stupid/desperate enough to let him have another go are minimal.
Ha! There’s no such thing as equality in the UK.
Split up from your partner? Got kids? You’re the father? Sorry, you have no rights to see them. You’re the mother? Feel free to use them as a pawn.
Are you an unemployed white British male? Sorry, we can’t help. You’ll have to scrounge the bins to survive. An unemployed ethnic minority immigrant who’s never worked in this country? Here’s a house. Take all these benefits too! Is there anything else you need, Sir?
[FubarBritain]
It’s a disgrace. I was down the pub the other night, right, and I heard about this one chap, from Africa I expect, who had only applied for a library card but the council sent him a set of free ear-muffs, a year’s supply of mango chutney, half-price cinema tickets, a lifetime subscription to Grazia, a voucher for a ride on a tiger, 14 different kinds of shoe, an apache gunship full of organic cider with a personalised number plate, a technicolor dreamcoat, a life peerage, some woolly mittens knitted by Eva fucking Perón, a 3-Megawatt mining laser and docking computer, a fart-grill, three french hens and a FUCKING CLOUD IN A JAR. A REAL LIVE FUCKING FLOATY CLOUD. In a jar.
67 Responses to “Wheezy Bumvalve”
[unlurks] brilliant, laughed my lunch up [lurk]
Is there an Elite reference in there?
I nearly went with Fer-de-lance.
Haha, I got that elite reference as well and I was worried it made me a bit of a geek.
A proper ‘You couldn’t make it up!’, perfect for the end of the working week. Why, Nelson, with this twatbasket, you are truly spoiling us.
I wish I had a cloud in a jar. That would make my day.
He’s too fucking right though. No mother should be using their children’s as pawns. The africans are for the pawns, kids are for the higher ranking pieces.
I didn’t get the elite reference, but then I didn’t get cloud in a jar from the council either, what with me being a white male who can’t even hold onto his wife and kids because they’ve been given to immigrants.
Have the elite references all been given to immigrants too? Just my bleeding luck.
Ooh look a half eaten pasty…
I had Elite on my Amiga 500 about 20 years ago and still didn’t get the reference.
I don’t think I got to the bit in Elite where you get a fart-grill
I too spotted the Elite reference from my BBC Micro days. Fartgrill was in galaxy 7 6.8 light years from Arsegrape. It is a poor industrial Feudal state populated by 2.7 billion harmless rodents
Fuck me that’s funny
Materials:
One glass canning jar. (8 oz )
2 cm of tap water. (You may have to experiment with the amount)
One match.
One large round rubber balloon with the mouth end cut off. (This will be placed over the canning jar.)
One rubber band that will fit the mouth of the jar.
One flashlight. (At least a 2 cm diameter top.)
Procedure:
Step 1
Make sure your jar is clean and dry to start with.
Cut the mouth end off of a large round rubber balloon.
Place the balloon over the mouth of the canning jar to see if it fits.
Attach it with a rubber band by stretching the rubber band around the top of the jar. Make sure it is snug.
Step 2
Now that you know the balloon sheath fits over the jar take it off and set it aside along with the rubber band.
Put 2 cm of water into the jar.
Light a match over the jar and blow it out. If you are afraid you may let it fall into the jar. The water will put it out. The reason for the match is to catch the smoke particles.
Quickly place the balloon sheath back over the jar mouth and secure it with the rubber band.
Let the jar stand undisturbed for 2 minutes. This should be enough time for the smoke to disappear.
Step 3
Turn off the lights and turn on your flashlight. And place it near the glass jar.
Push down on the balloon sheath for a few seconds and then quickly pull it up. You should see a white cloud form. It will look like fog.
Do the previous procedure several times. You should notice water droplets forming on the sides of the jar.
Ooh, sounds fun. But you would have got extra points for using “nucleogenic particles”, like on Star Trek
I saw one of them Africans the other day. Half black and half white he was.
I wonder how the council will deal with him? Does his black half mean he gets the shoes, the gunship and the cloud in a jar, or does the white half mean they’ll shove a pineapple up his arsepipe and kick him out of their office?
Not that it matters, really: he was a zebra.
Using the kids as pawn? Paedo.
I’m fairly sure it used to be a 30MW mining laser, but what with the credit crunch it’s probably about all this country can afford thanks to the SCUM of MANSE Golden Bong and Alas Dear Starlink.
True story this: to get my Elite rating, I had to blow up 6,000 ships over a period of twelve months. Fucking immigrunts got given the government welcome pack version of Elite which meant they only had to put the disk in the drive to get their elite rating.
Slight digression, but for sheer pointlessness, taking up a fulltime career in mining in Elite II: Frontier is probably on a par with posting rational and reasoned responses on internet message boards.
Well at least he can maintain a cheery disposition through it all.
Unlike those Africans, always moaning that their fart-grills don’t work through solid-gold pyjamas.
There’s a JD Salinger thread up. Pretty grim stuff, but this one is particularly choice:
Overlooking the fact that Salinger wrote more than one book, I’m picturing Keith shrieking his every bumspurt from atop a very high horse indeed, getting louder and louder the more he realises no one’s listening to him.
http://newsforums.bbc.co.uk/nol/profile.jspa?userID=8891003&edition=1&ttl=20100129144413
http://www.iancgbell.clara.net/elite/archive/a/a5050070.txt for all your “what mm were the lasers?” needs. And even after all these years, “Thargoids” still makes me giggle.
I know Fubar, I know. In my day a man could go out, drink forty pints, beat up a Paki, get a cab home and still have change out of a fine.
You try telling that to young people today…
Most recommended comment on that J.D. Salinger Thread:
[RockingTheJoint] takes empty-box-filling solipsism to new heights here. Not only has he never heard of the guy, nor, by induction, has anyone else in the world.
On the plus side, he’s accidentally just written his obituary.
Ha! There’s no such thing as equality in the UK.
She’d only told you she’d pawned them. They were really down the police station signing the injunction papers.
blockquote fail at the top.
curses
hehehe. I’m having that.
I’m trying to imagine a state of mind where I’d not only admit that I’d never heard of a world-famous novelist, but I’d actually be proud of the fact. Not easy.
Kick a man when he’s dead why don’t you?
Wot Philbert said. Also face-palming at all the people going on about him only writing one book – if you’re going to bumspurt your pointless opinions all over the interwebs, at least have the decency to know a minimum of 2% of what you’re boring on about.
The Elite chat is deathly dull. My parents would only let us get an Acorn Electron, cos it was more ‘educational’. [sulk] Or should that be ‘edumacational’?
Can anything be added to RockingTheJoint’s interesting take on the subject?
Yes it’s had no influence on them because there’s enough of it already. Yet still we have to inflict it on them anyway.
@Nelson – I’ll expect royalties on that phrase.
Curiously, I can remember both American and English authors. I can also appropriately use apostrophes, both to form genitive (no sniggering at the back there) noun declensions and in forming contractions.
@Mr Cat
There are a couple of posters there that appear to feel shortchanged that it was just words on paper and not a tape of Paul McKenna chanting “Kill, kill the antichrist”.
This bloke’s well lucky. My ex used our children as prawns and sold them to fucking Nobu.
Mostly harmless.
http://thejaggythistle.blogspot.com/2010/01/im-sure-that-you_28.html
We had an Electron /and/ a Spectrum, but we didn’t have Elite for either of ‘em. I had to wait till I could afford my own PC, then play Elite through an emulator. By that point, it was too late to attempt to indoctrinate me with capitalist values; the communists had already won my soul.
La Spesh, you could run Elite on the Electron. Just it was in black and white and was deadly slow.
I’ve just decided that the major goal of my life from now on is to outlive the nasty fucking shit known as Oliver Kamm, so that I can kick him when he’s dead, preferably literally.
P.S. I am stroking my copy of The Dark Wheel as I write this.
I really did a lol, Nelson. I had to read it out loud a couple of times as well, because doing it in “indignant cockney” just made in even funnier.
Nothing amusing to say, no additions to make. It’s too fucking hot.
As long as you administer the kicking within 26 minutes and aim just above the heart
That would never happen in Iran !
To be fair, it’s entirely reasonable that I did run it but have forgotten. My main memories of using the Electron are making it say ‘Mr Smith* smells of poo’ 100 times and trying to stop my little brother playing Chucky Egg by bellowing a song in his ear that we’d made up about Josef Mengele (in our defence, we didn’t know who he was, we just found the name funny).
*Headmaster.
had me laughing out loud. this is the finest pish i’ve read in ages.
it’s made my day.
i need to get out a bit more.
It’s a disgrace. I was down the pub the other night, right, and I heard about this one chap, from Africa I expect
—————————
‘chap’? you mean ‘bint’ surely?
I have had enough of you twats.
I can’t believe you have wasted years on here but at least it gave me entertainment.
Fuck me.
I have had a right old laugh at you stupid fuckers.
Yes, this whole endeavour was simply to display the talent, including the critical – yet fair – thought and the rigorous analytical skills of the splendid intellectuals of HYS.
You fuckers have been duped and the joke is on you! Nobody who posts on Have Your Say looks bad at all, but you lot look like morons! World leaders read Have Your Say and it regularly informs all sorts of policy: social, economic, and otherwise.
You lot, with your “facts” and your “spelling” and your “rationality”, make the rest of the world sick with rage. They look to us for guidance, much like the world looked to the Freemasons in Dan Brown’s last tour-de-force. We even have a special handshake.
I, Spartacu… Nelson, have exposed you all, and will be informing Glenn Beck and Melanie Phillips of exactly who you are. Then who will be laughing? Bwah hah ha!!
Ps, in my first post where I said “Fuck me” – I really like it right up the guillemot’s gary glitter. But could you pass me a tissue afterwards? Thanks.
Hi Rhys
So you know when HYSers appear on here, do they use their real email address?
That’d be funny.
I wonder if I type “Nelson” in the Name (required) box … will I get full administrator rights? Hmm, I might just give it a go. Plus, if I actually run a spellcheck first they’ll never know. Ooh, I’m sooo clever! I feel like James Bond, or that blond guy out of Trainspotting in Hackers… hehe! Maybe Angelina Jolie will shag me then. Or Brad. Um, I can’t make up my mind. Maybe this was a mistake. I’m so confused. Don’t tell dad. Oh god. What would Tom Cruise do? Or Kilroy? Oh no. Just hit Submit Comment and the bad thoughts will go away.
Hello Nelson
I’m a whinging mingebag.
I’m a minging whingebag’s wobbly wizard’s sleeve.
I’m just a cunt.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/8489123.stm – Country hit by snow, grinds to a halt – only GordonClown could be so inept to allow this to happen in Brita…wait, where?
I bum foxes.
I fox bummers.
Even HYS’ers know all about Johnny and his usual twatbasketry. The world has turned upside down.
Nah, they’re all far too clever for that.
I installed a trace program in Rhys’s matrix signature. It’s easy enough to do, you just need to download one from Skynet and then reconfigure the sensor array to match your target’s digital fingerprint.
What does the R in Rhys stand for?
Regina
Ah. Does that make the jaggar the HYS queen? Or is it a piece of clever rhyming slang?
On a more positive note, I was charmed by this from sniffer:
It has a lot going for it;
the nom-de-plume, which will have Boredom Clown wriggling uncomfortably;
the stalwart citizen doing his bit to help the police;
the casual familiarity with police acronyms which enable one to be racist, but in a kind of official, secret sort of way;
the injustice of the policeman being on the one hand grateful, and on the other accusatory in a sort of passive-aggressive way – how sharper than a serpent’s tooth it is to have a thankless Old Bill;
and the honest, stout-hearted English-not-British declaration that the author would happily break the law if the opportunity arises again to trip up an IC3.
Can’t see why they modded that one into oblivion – after all it even got 4 recommendations (probably from IC1s) and he’d waited 8 years to share it with us as well. The heartless bastards. I expect all the mods are gay forrins.
I’m beginning to suspect we’re all just prawns of Mcmansebroons Nuliebore governMental warminst plot to sell my nipples to the Chinese.
There was a fart in a jar for sale on ebay a while ago. Would that do?
Docking computers are for wimps, can I have the fuel scoop instead?
I used to use the docking computer just to do the timeconsuming “lining up” bit… but it was just way too cautious after that.
Once it was lined up with the port I turned it off and went in at speed, matching the rotation.
Happy days.
I thought it was Frontier Elite that had the 3-Megawatt Mining Laser?