Our old friend BC/CB is back on Twitter again. This is as much as I got before I couldn’t be arsed with him clogging up my feed any more and stopped following him. It’s worth a look though. You see, while his fiction is wide-ranging and his HYS posts are limited to specific topics, on twitter, flickr and his own website, he can really get to grips with his true passion – the environment.
Remember 40 degrees.. That is what the temperature will be when you will start to think …Is there somethind awfully wrong?
I’m not sure I’m warm enough to understand what this means.
You can always keep warm, but it is very difficult to keep cool is it not? Do not think for a minute that i am a doom monger rabbiting on.
It’s very illuminating though. Cuger sounds like how climate change sceptics must imagine the rest of us think. It’s like looking in a pig-headed, gullible mirror that keeps wanting to yell at science.
At this point in my personal crusade, I must confess, I just feel, what the heck, get on with it! If it was not for my children I would…
Just let things exponentially evolve and try and survive when most of the population are dying from heat exhaustion..
Yes it is cold, but. Remember those childhood summers of blue skies, white clouds, the seaside..ect..WELL..Forget them!
Mediterranean summers, Mediterranean fruits growing in our English countryside, vineyards galore… Forget them….
Pestilence, disease, immigrants running from desolate equatorial countries, to descend upon us will be the new Garden of Eden.
Don’t believe me? Happy with your hedonistic little lives? You all have a new beginning awaiting..
See, this is really handy. I reckon if we want to win round the fucknut right to this whole “stop making the world warmer before we break it and die in a stinky frozen-methane fireball” thing, we just need to threaten them with a few boatfuls of Africans. Oh yeah, SYB shout-out coming up!
By the way. Stop slagging off my books! Especially when you have not read them (worst, have not bought one). You sycophantic blog followers!
See you next time!!
Pleasure to know you’re a fan Bruce. I’m guessing you self-googled your way here.
55 Responses to “Brantfeed”
Nelson, have you gassed everyone who leaves comments here?
Always the optimist eh Cug’s?
This is why I don’t use Twitter it makes self important gob shites like mr brant think they have a meaning. Hahahahaha personal crusade? Do your bit and stop wasting electricity cuge we all might live longer.
Argh. This really gets me. This is extremely unlikely to happen, but it gets repeated on all sides – greens eager to scare people, and the anti-immigrant brigade (the former playing into the hands of the latter).
In reality, migration as a result of climate change is likely to be internal, rural-urban or rural-rural, if nothing else because most people don’t have the means (or necessarily the desire) to travel very far. On top of that, it’s not always going to be permanent, and it may pose an effective way of helping communities to adapt (diversification of incomes, remittances, etc). But no, it’s always “One billion migrants going to move to YOUR TOWN as a result of climate change”.
The most disturbing thing I saw on this was an argument by the creepy Optimum Population Trust arguing that were this to happen [which it probably won't, ndlr], we should very politely tell all those Bangladeshis to fuck off, because, although they had very little to do with causing the problem, we should take no responsibility for the fact that their country is under water.
Can someone post some more of CB’s books, please, to provide an antidote to the seriousness?
Aw bless. He’s really trying, but he keeps adding unnecessary words to his sentences; like ‘doom’ up there, for example.
Surely a man of Cuger’s foresight and intelligence, would have the clarevoyance to see that Britain is about to be invaded by immigrants in the very near future… and do us all a favour and fuck off somewhere else.
This just reads as “I have no friends and no one will listen to me, but I am going to witter on anyway”
La Spesh,
We all know that Cuger’s a talented anagramist. I think what he was actually saying was this:
It beats the living shit out of me how this fucking latter-day Nostrodamus has managed to avoid complete and utter global reach. His ideas make perfect sense, and there’s no sense of empty, meaningless, garbage about them at all.
None at all.
But I think I’ve found the problem with Cugar’s lack of success as a writer. He’s a moron, he can’t spell, his grammar is fucking atrocious and he’s also a moron.
What a fucking massive propagating bee extinction he are. I mean, is.
Also, Alex: Twitter? Really?
I think Cuger may actually be publishing his next book on Twitter, in real time:
12:37 PM Feb 3rd from web
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12:34 PM Feb 3rd from web
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12:31 PM Feb 3rd from web
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12:29 PM Feb 3rd from web
12:28 PM Feb 3rd from web
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12:24 PM Feb 3rd from web
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12:21 PM Feb 3rd from web
12:20 PM Feb 3rd from web
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12:16 PM Feb 3rd from web
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12:14 PM Feb 3rd from web
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12:12 PM Feb 3rd from web
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12:10 PM Feb 3rd from web
I disagree- I think he has a way with words
“4. Using Bio-fuels benefits the planet.
You tell that to the Orang-utan…”
Hey, Orang-utan, using bio fuels benefits the planet, oh you can’t speak English can you? I told you though.
“By the way. Stop slagging off my books! Especially when you have not read them (worst, have not bought one)”
What I love about this remark is the implicit acknowledgement that [i]no-one[/i] has bought his books. How else could he know that those writing slag-off reviews haven’t if not for the fact that nobody has? Priceless.
I did, and he didn’t say anything, but he did make some amusing arm gestures like Clive out of Every Which Way But Loose. It was hilarious.
Was his name Clive? And did I spell “Nostradamus” wrong up there? Yes, I did.
Italics, schmitalics…
Me, I’m posting twice in a row to wonder why “palindrome” isn’t spelled the same backwards. Apart from the obvious reason.
Also why “onomatopoeia” doesn’t sound like a word that describes a sound.
Also, fixed your italics. You’re welcome.
Clyde. That was it.
“scrap the Cugar Clyde”
A Very Dirty Orang-utan
I had a “look inside” one of his books on Amazon the other day. He appeared to be blaming climate change on crisps.
Hah, that’s nothing – check out The David and his family of “mostly clerical IT-oriented” folk. Rip-roaring stuff.
cuger:
Why wont anyone buy or even read any of my shit books or listen to my shit opinions on the internet?
cugers mum:
Because i raised a loser, son.
When I last looked at one of his books* on Amazon, the “customer’s who bought this also bought” list was a collection of the godless and pottymouthed. It was all Dawkins this and Brooker that. Was that you lot? If so then he is wrong and SYB deserves a 100pt apology on his website and twitter feed.
*Not going back to check. It was the one with a story that started something like: “Can you fool an ant? Fuck a bee?…”.
“Can you fool an ant? Fuck a bee?…”.
I heart fuck a bees
ook
No, fuck you.
@ Librarian, I just knew someone was going to post an ‘Ook’
A claim for the Junglelife prize? So sorry.. It was concise enough. I-I can’t stopp It stuck to the bare necessities.
Good old Cunt Barger.
He should really be gratfeful to SYB for doubl… tripl… octupl… increasing his sales by an enormous amount.
Oh bollocks.
*grateful
Not a ghost writer, but perhaps someone a bit handy with explosives.
Not sure if the Cugester is fully aware of what a ghost writer does. It’s pretty hard to ghost write a book that’s already been published (for a given value of published).
Also not sure why he thinks his books need to be inflated.
Cuger, a writer doesn’t need a ghost writer, they’re for celebrities without an idea in their head like Jordan or Shatner. What a writer needs is a really good editor, which you tend to get through an agent.
If what you want is someone to take your ideas and turn them into a story, then give up now, because you (in common with almost every other author whose name is not Asimov or Clarke) don’t have ideas that are startling enough to carry a book without strong characters and entertaining dialogue and prose. That’s why most books are written, rewritten, edited, corrected, tweaked, have subplots added and removed, and are generally punched into shape before publication. I recommend you pick up a copy of Carter Beats The Devil by Glen David Gold to see what I mean. There’s not an original idea in the book, but the plot, prose and dialogue are a masterclass. It’s one of my favourite books.
If what you want is someone to help you write to your potential, join a local writing club and prepare to get critiqued. A lot.
This has been Helpful Kelvin. Don’t expect to see him often.
I thought since he was wondering if there was anybody “out there”, he was after a proper ghost to help him market to the deceased, a demographic enjoying exponential growth.
Kelvin, that was beautiful.
dr@ + 2(dr@) !!
Now helpful kelvin’s made me feel all bad with his generosity.
Clovis pwned.
If Cunt Barger’s predictions are correct, and a load of forrins are going to be emmigrating from their desolate equatorial homelands to our delectable climes, then surely property prices in northern scotland are going to skyrocket!
I spies an investment opportunity.
- Budger iCant
Never fucked a bee but a gnat’s chuff is quite literally as tight as a gnat’s chuff.
I’ll get Richard Herring’s coat.
I fart Huckabees.
My coat’s already in the taxi.
And for writing help, this weekly podcast, Writing Excuses, is really really good. This week’s ‘cast is about whether you need an agent, and is therefore particularly topical.
He said chuff! Like a bird, the chough!
… the Kelvin hesitantly replied reassuringly.
The Cuger nodded. The famous man looked at the red cup.
The red cup looked back at Cuger Brant… and threw up in its mouth a little bit
I like this from Cug’s Twitter bio:
By the way, I do not follow, I lead, you are welcome to come along for the learning.
Indeed.
From Cugster’s website:
Now, apparently this UN chap did say say this exact thing, and perhaps it explains why Bruce gets a bit confused in his literary endeavours.
“Canaries climbing out of coal mines? Noisy glaciers? Who will sit up and take notice? Not you methinks, jetting away with your I-pods, youre ‘rock’ music and your childrens inheritance. The only environmental biscuit is a stone! Do you see now? This is my battle!”
In all of Cunt Barger’s environmental musings, has anyone ever seen him put forward a proposal as to how we should deal with the issue? Serious question. Has he?
Without wanting to be needlessly cruel to Mr Barger*, that would require two things:
1. An understanding of the problem.
2. An understanding of possible solutions.
Neither are in evidence.
* This is a lie.
Fair point.
Mal you just want the Moon on a Stick!
“Helpful” Kelvin has posted what appears, on the face of it, to be a rather useful piece of advice for our friend CB/BG.
Unfortunately, he has missed one vital point, which is that, should CB/BG have had an editor (even a pisspoor one), or, indeed, an agent, his entire œuvre could be reduced to a single word:
The problem with his writing is not the lack of original ideas (after all, most stories are based on combinations of one or more of a limited set of common tropes), but rather his utter inability to generate any form of empathy / antipathy towards the characters. They are blank slates, devoid of backstory, devoid of emotion, devoid of any form of humanity. One can easily imagine a more engaging novel based around the adventures of a waterlogged cardboard box.
If it is true that novelists write best about their own experiences, I dare not contemplate the emptiness of CB/BG’s existence.
I wasn’t suggesting he should get an agent. My point was more that if your work isn’t good enough to interest an agent, then don’t worry about getting an editor because they’re not going to have enough to work with anyway.
So he’s only as good as Dan Brown?
Also, Cuger, if you want to be a proper author then you need to read and re-read what Mr Poo has said enough times that it stops hurting, and then keep re-reading it until you start to agree with it. If you genuinely want to improve as a writer you will have to learn to accept much harsher critiques.
If Cuger wants to become a successful author, then he should do these things in this order:
1) English Language GCSE. This will help avoid basic spelling and grammar errors like the difference between your and you’re and their, there and they’re.
2) English Language A level. This will teach more advanced practical grammar, essential for the construction of sentences. It will also including how to create voice, how dialogue works and different types and styles of writing in depth. It’ll help in one important aspect: if you can’t pass this, then you don’t have a high enough grasp of your native language to become a successful author.
3) A course (either taught or a book) teaching you the basics of story construction, including plot, narrative structure and different types and eras of literature. If you have the A levels to do so – and please note that just passing the A level English Language isn’t enough to show that you have ability – then embarking on a Creative Writing degree or an English degree might help. You’ll also be able to build up contacts and networking skills, because many tertiary education lecturers are either published authors themselves or have connections to industry.
Of course, many successful authors manage to achieve a high degree of success without all of the above, or indeed any of the above.
But these authors are not only few and far between, but they’re what we’d call innately talented. Very few people in this world have this kind of inbuilt talent, and I can honestly say that out of all the people I know, I actually only know one to be on first name terms with them.
Cuger Brant/Bruce Grant is not one of these people. He’s slightly deluded, and the reason why vanity publishers exist. Please note, Bruce, if you do ever manage to read this – and I’m not convinced you would – that there are many talented people out there who’ve gone through this process, produce genuinely original, interesting and beautiful work and who never manage to earn a living out of it. Considering all those people exist around the world – way ahead in the queue than your miserable position just ahead of the dead sperm in the washing machine waste pipe – then assume that all the smart, talented, generic writers out there would be snapped up by major houses before you’d find anyone desperate enough to waste time, money or effort on trying to polish the giant turd that is your work.
Give it up. Do your job. Retire. Die.
Oh lordy, I’ve just wet myself laughing at the reviews of the Cugermeister’s books on amazon, one reviewer even had the genius to shoehorn a reference to Kadir-buxton in!
Oh dear, reading this, I seem to have the Danger Mouse theme running through my head, but with “Cuuuuger Brant/He’s amazing!/Cuuuuger Brant/He’s astounding!”
Is this the effect of imgrunt earworms? Should I tell The People’s Dave and his lovely wife Rupert Murdoch?
Opening sentence, End Game, by Cuger Brant:
Do you see what he did there? Do you see?! The master draws you right in! Right from that opening sentence you know completely and utterly that you have to read on.
No cold, bright afternoons in April as the clocks strike thirteen here. No. None of that bollocks. WE DON’T HAVE TIME!! What do we get? Crisps, and humble crisps at that. The. Humble. Crisp. But! What’s next? Biscuits? Blinis?? The tension is palpablel; cuttable with a knifable. I couldn’t look away… I had to find out what the crisps did next. Did they stay humble or was this a tale of crisp-empowerment? Did the crisp forget his humble origins until a young female crisp made him examine his past? Is he still Crispy from the block?? Who knows? Let’s find out, and find out together my friends. Come with Cuger on his journey of discovery, delving into the shady world of the crisp packet as never before.
Take a humble bag of crisps. Genius.