I have to thank whoever made the decision to ask the gnomes “What should Britain’s defense strategy be?”. It just keeps on giving.
It really brought out the very best in them. Many of them appear to have been patiently formulating military strategies and collecting important-sounding acronyms for years. They’ve beavered away in secret, reading about war, thinking about war, fantasising about war and masturbating about Lynda Bellingham. Finally, the little white box has asked them what the army should do. This is their chance to make a difference.
Expand support for special forces, specifically the SFSG, and look to expand SF aswell . Satelitte technology
Correctly equip regular forces with everything ground commanders recommend and unhindered by budget and cost saving
Ditch Trident, make a more mobile rapid response force, split into self sufficent units of 1500 strong supported by helo’s, Littoral combat ships and other defensive counter-measures .
There arent enough words available to be able to describe everything needed .
[BigHitter]
Aw, come on. Cheer up lad. Sure, it’s easy to become despondent when you realise that nobody gives an elasticated wank-nappy about your plan for Afghanistan. Don’t give up and don’t let it get you down! Try and forget that you’ve pissed a substantial portion of your life away patiently shoveling lorry-loads of arseblubber into the internet. Forget that you believed, for no reason that the rest of us can fathom, that this was worth doing. Abandon your conviction that important men with moustaches were leafing through your penetrating observations with grudging approval. Bravely ignore the fact that everyone has actually been shitting themselves laughing at you.
The clues you need are already on HYS. Look, here’s our old friend Ron C, putting you all straight.
…….I`m certainly not amongst them……….
Darkseid Jones,Like all our hys`s they will always like your`s get lost in the “dark”. The mandarins in the MOD, won`t even bother to read them either, try writing direct. You still don`t get it. Why do you bother posting, its`s only all a bit of fun. lighten up.
Ron C, Northwest, United Kingdom
I think you’ve got the right attitude, Ron. The trick is to lighten up and remember that the only person who actually pays any attention to what you write is me. And I think you’re a lonely bollock.
Domestic defence security is vital with less committment overseas.The new aircraft carriers are a must, as this in turn will bolster our air defences, we also should rethink our nuclear strategy and slim back on this, and consider strengthening the army ground fores with emphasis placed on fast efficient reaction well trained and equipped units. Do something worthwhile about the terrible state of army accommodation and increase pay that its`s well above the highest parking ticket zealet`s pay.
Ron C, Northwest, United Kingdom
Ron? Can you hear me? You need to lighten up, Ron. RON? IT’S ONLY A BIT OF FUN. RON???
49 Responses to “Not Enough Words”
Clearly then the first thing we need is more words. I will contribute the following:
Scrombic
Nafluent
Faporis
Vleblm
It’s good to feel I have done my bit. Also, can I borrow someone’s coat? The government gave mine to immigrunts.
I’m with, Ron, I’m not interested in overseas action, but still think that aircraft carriers are “a must”.
We won’t be happy until there’s an aircraft carrier parked on every high street in the land.
mmmmmm……Linda Bellingham
Rimbic
Hoonbatter
Thyroticalism
Buntaloid
Schmemly
We can all do our bit! If we bountaloidally show a bit more thyroticalism, hopefully this rimbic word shortage will soon be hoonbattered into the schmemlies of history.
What’s a zealet?
It’s a small zeal, obviously.
For new words, I suggest:
hardonomics
deathwanger
blitzturbation
parpstorm
I think all the others are taken, surely?
Who are they? the Science Fiction Surfers Group? Is this Bighitter’s own little circle of friends that he is trying to get funding for?
Surely we need to embiggen our forces with cromulent equipment?
Embiggen? I never heard that word before I moved to Springfield
Ron was having fun imagining he was capable of being taken seriously. Then Darkseid came in dressed as his mum with a plate of sandwiches.
Oh, Ron’s odd way of constructing sentences almost hid this:
Address all correspondence to Britain’s Commander-in-Chief.
It’s a perfectly cromulent word.
Also, [BigHitter] needs to be fladged right in the grotboggler.
O freddled gruntbuggly thy micturations are to me
As plured gabbleblochits on a lurgid bee.
Groop, I implore thee my foonting turlingdromes.
And hooptiously drangle me with crinkly bindlewurdles,
Or I will rend thee in the gobberwarts with my blurglecruncheon, see if I don’t.
Yes, we need aircraft carriers and special trained forces with laser beams and satellite reconaissance and UNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGG!
@coyote
Schmemly’s already a word. It’s an old Cockney word for a shoulder-mounted missile launcher that passed into the language via Yiddish.
@Philbert
You should have quoted Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings of Greenbridge, Essex. Vogon poetry is mild by comparison.
If I’m rectlyngton.
He’s right about SFSG though. It’s disgraceful that the US are the only country with a Stargate program.
You mean the millitary strategists that get paid OUR tax dollars don’t even consult internet message boards before devising said millitary strategies?
Democracy has died in my heart today.
Well there’s your problem right there: citrus fruits know very little about armed forces strategy.
I’ll get my burker.
Now who let the bloody Vogons in? We’ll never be rid of the boring bastards now!
I’ll get my coat (and my towel)…
We need to abolish the air force and army and replace them with sailors fired into the air from tubes insubmarine. A well aimed sailor could easily take out a Taliban insurgent or suicide bomber, and a few sailors with nets could trap a ballistic missile and detonate it safely in their enormous pants. I realise this makes me just as bad as the HYSers.
*sharpens pencil*
Right we’ll need 30 cases of scud mags, the proper stuff too – the german stuff. Some of those mini-motorbikes… oh and X-Box 360′s too very important for beating Johnny Afghan don’tchaknow?
Those “clittoral combat ships” sound quite useful. As Pat Benetar said, love is a battlefield…
Give Jack O’Neill at Science Fiction StarGate more men! Stop the Goa’uld! The Jaffa look a bit dusky and carry knives too you know.
I defy anyone to read that thread without picturing a thousand Rimmers, all in dress uniform, saluting themselves in the mirror with a salute they’ve made up themselves.
Am I the only one who read BigHitter as BigHitler?
If so, what does that say about me?
A thousand Rimmers? Is this another Sci Fi reference or…. nope, I’m not even going there
@StealthBadger:
I got BigShitter…
If there aren’t enough words for literal combat ships, perhaps we ought to try metaphorical ones…
@StealthBadger, nope, and @RT yep, but I also got BingHitler as well, I should’ve gone to Specsavers.
I am so sorry to drop off topic for a minute but this one was a coffee/screen interface moment.
From the current HYS “save the kiddies on the interwebs” thread:
The irony, the irony, nuff said.
Just remembering that in Extras, Ross “I head-butted a horse once” Kemp thought SAS stood for Super Army Soldiers.
What are the odds that BigHitler thinks SFSG stands for Shooty Fighty Soldier Guys?
TBITC- You were remiss in not providing a link to the exapanded works of David Ellis on topics as diverse as
“How would Aliens change your life”
You mean apart from the one I married ?
And
“What does Christmas mean to you?”
The end…of the quarter-year abattoir of consumption we are led into.
And
“Is a Degree a wise investment?”
I graduated from a Russell group university in the late 70′s, with a totally useless degree.
Curse you, underscore, for getting there before me (and no doubt everyone else)!
Didn’t know the Curious Orange worked for the MOD.
I’m having a bit of problem with the zip, could you… cheers. I’ll be off then.
You do realise the use of ’nuff said’ is a sign of absolutely, unadulterated cuntery?
You know what, sometimes they actually do.
Although don’t tell Ron about it, because then they’ll all descend on KoW offering helpful advice to the professors in their ivory towers. Ron’s postgraduate study at the University of the History Channel is just as good as their fancy LSE degrees, by God. AND it was only £14.99 a month from Sky – who’s the smarter one around here, eh???
Honest to god…I love this blog. It’s like having Chris Morris in Brass Eye back, but it’s actually fucking real. Fuck it, maybe no one ever really goes on HYS except really, really clever satirists.
Kristopher,
Me too. We’re all hoping to transfer to tv for the inevitable spin-off. Nelson and co are working on the format as we speak.
So many gems on this thread!
The guy who recommended a STEALTH army, STEALTH navy and STEALTH air force as the way to go gave me a warm glow all over but in the end I think I enjoyed Brian the most…
That’s not even true in sport.
+5 cuntery points for anyone quoting Sun Tzu on that thread, surely.
The best offence is a spell reading HYS
Fuck, why even wait until they’ve become the enemy? Wimp!
This is why we at Pippin Fort are disappointed but not surprised at the absence of any mention of the humpety bumpety army truck in these discussions. Who needs aircraft carriers when you can simply wave to the soldiers brave, who sing and shout as they lurch about in a humpety bumpety army truck?
Each had a wooden horse
Gaily they played each summer’s day
Warriors both of course
One little chap then had a mishap
Broke off his horse’s head
Wept for his toy then cried with joy
As his young playmate said:
Did you think I would leave you crying
When there’s room on my horse for two
Climb up here Jack and don’t be crying
I can go just as fast with two
When we grow up we’ll both be soldiers
And our horses will not be toys
And I wonder if we’ll remember
When we were two little boys
Perhaps you can assist me! I am looking to buy a bike for my son and i simpy dont know what i should be going getting? I mean when i got my motorcycle i knew exactly what i wanted for a long time, but he is still unsure what he wants? Is there maybe a decent way to discover whats best?
“Ditch Trident, make a more mobile rapid response force, split into self sufficent units of 1500 strong supported by helo’s, Littoral combat ships and other defensive counter-measures .”
Sir Humphrey will be enraged.
Pah! I still say the Telegraph has the last word on Armchair Generals.
http://blogs.telegraph.co.uk/news/geraldwarner/100026461/operation-futility-going-well-mission-accomplished-the-taliban-has-fallen-again/
Just look at the quality of some of those ill-conceived, uninformed rants. Why, you practically have to dodge the spittle coming out of the screen.